Enjoying spring - Wishing things were different

I have spent this we doing what I want to do which is plant and plant some more.  I have planted about 75 flowers in my front yard they don't look like much but, in about a month they will be spectacular.  I of course will be back in work mode and probably won't notice.

It feels great to be just doing what I want for a week.  I normally take my precious time off traveling to see my family who can hardly fit me into their busy schedules. My sisters kids are older now and sometimes they take some time with me and that feels good. 

In our family we are about getting things done. For my sister it is cerebral more than physical and for me it is both. It seesaws to the extreme one way or the other and I find physical jobs rewarding because you can really do both at the same time.  

Unfortunately as I get older and happier I feel less interested and making a trip in hopes that someone will spend a few hours with me. I think I have healed the hole in me that felt like I should belong somewhere with someone.  They are my family.

I have found that you can be in a crowd or in a relationship and feel completely alone so what is the difference. My friend from grammar school who I talk to once every couple of weeks ask me if I had spoken to anyone this week. This is her way of worrying about me and my solitude. I have always enjoyed my time alone but always felt guilty about not wanting to socialize. 

I have spoken to people this week in fact I went over to someone house and had dinner last night.  Someone from my early program years they were a big part of my thirties and it was a special time for all of us. Most of the core group has gone their separate ways but recently we have reconnected.  

If we continue to grow our parts don't fit together like they use to anymore. I have felt this through out my life but refused to acknowledge it. In every relationship things become routine and starts to feel forced. When I have tried to make it work and it doesn't it starts making me feel sick inside. Ultimately I am there in body only not wanting to be honest and just get out. 

I wonder why I am different than most who relish the bonds of a lifetime. Maybe I was made too independent with my mothers death. I knew I was on my own and that seemed natural. I learned to just get things done without counting on anyone else. 

The relationships I have had were only good if I fulfilled a long list of things that had to be done to make the other person happy. This was never two ways as long as I did everything right without expecting anything in return all was well. I eventually felt like what they really wanted was a servant. I did these things originally out of love but without appreciation or even acknowledgement it felt life a burden and resentment grew.

I have enjoyed this week so much and I think it is because it is without the guilt of feeling I should be different then I am. With the pandemic I have felt less guilty about enjoying my time alone. I am not asking myself why I am alone. 

I understand my family and I do wish they had more time for me but it has always been this way. I use to be a person that could pretend that things were different than they are but I had an awakening and you just can't go back. Accepting things as they are instead of the way you wish they were is spiritual maturity.  Besides I can be ignored during the holidays and the food will be better. 

  

Being yourself - Happiness - Mom

I am still feeling free and happy.  Happy isn't a concept I have had a lot of experience with generally.  I am content and sometimes peaceful but happy has always been pretty elusive. My mind doesn't even want to analyze why I am happy right now except maybe here on these pages.  I feel as though I have been freed from myself. Life doesn't feel like a burden to me anymore just a moment to moment event.

I am busy with work and at home I have been just doing little projects that I have been thinking about a long time but could never get around to them.  This is a side effect of depression I think.  You are not necessarily sad but the things you do each day just to get through takes it all out of you. 

People don't understand that washing dishes can feel like the first steps of a marathon.  I have been cooking for the past few months on this diet.  Actually going to the store weekly and buying fresh food and cooking for just me.  I have never done that before. 

I have always been a survivor and a caretaker of other people. The times when I was recovering I didn't think I deserved the same effort I gave to the other people in my life.  Everyday was something you just made it through.

To care about yourself is to be selfish.  I got that from my mother I think.  She died February 15th 1974 after life had taken everything from her.  The past few weeks I have been organizing the old family photo and in every picture she has the same fake smile except one.  The picture was when she got some award in a high school business club for women.

She was an achiever from the beginning and the life of June Clever did not work for her.  She worked until I was five and we moved to a suburb that our preacher built. All the women were full time moms and she conformed and got sick three years later.

We make choices to be what other people want us to be without even know what it is doing to us. We want to fall in line even if everything in our heart go against that.  Sometimes people push us but I think it is more about our own view of what a nice or normal person looks like.  We hear people say "what kind of person would do something like that to their family?"  A desperately unhappy person is what I think. 

We get trapped by our own need to belong even if we never feel we do belong.  It is a risk to change our lives to better match who we really are and there is no guarantee that we will be happier or that everyone we love will be there with us in the end.  No one wants change but we need it to keep the flow going. 

My mother did a good job with the time she had with us.  From what I remember she ran the family like it was a business.  We had a lot of freedom and she taught us how to be self sufficient.  She held us to high standards based on the Bible and those never wavered.  Everything else was optional. 

I wish I had really known her as a person instead of the snippets of memories I hold on to.  I don't feel she was happy maybe she was mostly peaceful and content like I have been.  I love you mom! If you can hear me.