I have spent this we doing what I want to do which is plant and plant some more. I have planted about 75 flowers in my front yard they don't look like much but, in about a month they will be spectacular. I of course will be back in work mode and probably won't notice.
It feels great to be just doing what I want for a week. I normally take my precious time off traveling to see my family who can hardly fit me into their busy schedules. My sisters kids are older now and sometimes they take some time with me and that feels good.
In our family we are about getting things done. For my sister it is cerebral more than physical and for me it is both. It seesaws to the extreme one way or the other and I find physical jobs rewarding because you can really do both at the same time.
Unfortunately as I get older and happier I feel less interested and making a trip in hopes that someone will spend a few hours with me. I think I have healed the hole in me that felt like I should belong somewhere with someone. They are my family.
I have found that you can be in a crowd or in a relationship and feel completely alone so what is the difference. My friend from grammar school who I talk to once every couple of weeks ask me if I had spoken to anyone this week. This is her way of worrying about me and my solitude. I have always enjoyed my time alone but always felt guilty about not wanting to socialize.
I have spoken to people this week in fact I went over to someone house and had dinner last night. Someone from my early program years they were a big part of my thirties and it was a special time for all of us. Most of the core group has gone their separate ways but recently we have reconnected.
If we continue to grow our parts don't fit together like they use to anymore. I have felt this through out my life but refused to acknowledge it. In every relationship things become routine and starts to feel forced. When I have tried to make it work and it doesn't it starts making me feel sick inside. Ultimately I am there in body only not wanting to be honest and just get out.
I wonder why I am different than most who relish the bonds of a lifetime. Maybe I was made too independent with my mothers death. I knew I was on my own and that seemed natural. I learned to just get things done without counting on anyone else.
The relationships I have had were only good if I fulfilled a long list of things that had to be done to make the other person happy. This was never two ways as long as I did everything right without expecting anything in return all was well. I eventually felt like what they really wanted was a servant. I did these things originally out of love but without appreciation or even acknowledgement it felt life a burden and resentment grew.
I have enjoyed this week so much and I think it is because it is without the guilt of feeling I should be different then I am. With the pandemic I have felt less guilty about enjoying my time alone. I am not asking myself why I am alone.
I understand my family and I do wish they had more time for me but it has always been this way. I use to be a person that could pretend that things were different than they are but I had an awakening and you just can't go back. Accepting things as they are instead of the way you wish they were is spiritual maturity. Besides I can be ignored during the holidays and the food will be better.
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