Good Friday - A Path to God

I took the day off yesterday. I thought a little space between me and the office would be good under the circumstances. It has mostly blown over but I will take care of myself and my boundaries at a later date.

The day started on the porch with the very active wildlife community. Birds, butterflies and squirrels, oh my. My pet owl was calling out with no response. It was actually pretty calm and quiet compared to the previous night. At 2 AM I couldn't sleep and went out on the porch to meditate the frogs and raccoons were so loud I had to go back inside to get some peace.

In the day light everything seemed fresh and new. I reflected on the fact that it was Good Friday and that many people were acknowledging the meaning of the day for them. I thought about what it means to me and determined that for me it showed a willingness to give everything for the ultimate good of mankind. Could I do that?

I am not willing to give up my place in line most days, let alone my life. Is that true? Actually I think a spiritual life does require giving up your life in a sense that you step back and see a bigger picture. You look at other people as souls trying to find their way through life, just like me. Doing their best or least their best for the moment even if it doesn't meet my expectations. Maybe their best will be better tomorrow. We are all just trying to find our way. I feel lucky I found a program that gave me guidelines for finding my own way when I was so lost and sad.

I went to an Earth Day ceremony last night that included drumming, chanting and other rituals. About 20 people finding there own way by getting very worked up and I felt detached. It reminded me of my childhood in the pentecostal church watching the emotions pouring out. I do believe in a personal connection to God and everyone has to find it in their own way. A year ago I might have been interested in this because I was still searching. I have found God in the quieter moments now.

The search is over for me. The time and energy I have spent looking for the truth has led me back to the same place over and over. Staying in this moment and realizing we are all connected spiritually and part of the whole. It has been the ultimate awakening for me. My ego enjoys being an individual but it only brings me temporary pleasure. Acquiring the next thing or the next experience satisfies only for a moment. Then the search must go on for something more.

I left the ceremony and went outside. I stood in front of the a small pond and noticed a lot of movement. It was full of turtles and they were very busy doing nothing, from my perspective. As the sun was setting I truly felt part of a bigger plan.

On the ride home my friend and I talked and she said she felt the same thing that there was nothing there for us. It has been a year of awakenings and we both are feeling content to just be. It is nice to be with others that have the same interest in the spiritual and we will continue to participate. It is just different now.

You probably think I have gone off the deep end and think I have found some kind of nirvana but it is not true. I have been on the quest all my life and only this year I have found that the answer isn't out there it's in my heart. The same place God is for me. It is so simple maybe too simple. When I make it complicated it takes me further from what God wants for me peace and serenity.

I still have bad days and will have to fight my ego constantly to keep fear from making me doubt my new found freedom. Already it says, who do you think you are making it so simple? That voice will be out of work if I stop listening. My spirit is what God created and the ego is what I created. If I stop listening I will be free to listen to others and when I am really quiet I can hear the voice of God.

As always, this is my journey take what you like and leave the rest.

Joy and Swimming

I was in a real funk yesterday overwhelmed with what felt like obstacles in my life. Swimming upstream is hard work but it is making me stronger even if I am not going any where. I met with a customer at the end of the day to present my designs. I enjoy this part more than any other part of my job coming up with ideas that surprise people.

The problems I am having are really internal. I am torn between pushing forward with the grand plan or cutting loose and running like hell. I go along fine for a few days and then I think oh my God you got to doing something to protect yourself. You got to go out and get another job. How can you just enjoy the day when things are crumbling around you? This is the conversation in my head. This is where I was at yesterday. I went home last night made some mac and cheese, something I have been making myself since I was five and not the box kind, and then promptly crawled into bed and watched American Idol. Then I watched Top Chef.

Seeing talented people always lifts my spirit. The idea that you are born with something special and you work on it until it shines so bright other people can see it. A joy that gives others joy.

I love design and it is my joy and I get to share it with others. The fact that I have to support myself just gets in the way of the process. If I didn't have to support myself I would totally do it for nothing. It is what I do in my spare time. It is what I think about when I watch a movie. It is my first thought when I go to a new restaurant.

Creating is as close to God as I think you can get. Taking raw materials and turning them into something completely different is as joyful as it gets. Whether that is with paint on canvas or words of poetry in a song it doesn't matter. Creating comes from the heart and not the head and it frees me the way nothing else does.

I especially like taking something that would be thrown away and coming up with another way to use it. It is recycled, it's purpose has come full circle. I have been recycled myself many times and this is what is happening now. I am reinventing myself. Looking at what works and what doesn't and making a new me.

What makes me crazy is the process takes time and I am impatient with the time table. It is the journey, right? When I show my customers the three D design I am already there in my mind that is why the presentation is a thrill. I can see it but then I have actually make it happen and I do and it always looks exactly like the three d picture. Spiritually I am at the picture stage and will have to wait until the process is complete to get to my destination. A moving target (God's little secret) I am afraid.

So I am up today and not bogged down in the reality of all the little steps that have to be taken on this new journey. I am just going to focus on what is in front of me and visualize the big picture.

The waters of change

I once had a boss tell me that to me everybody has to paddle their own canoe. He was a egomaniac and eventually fired me. But his words were true nevertheless.

I started a post about what is going on at work last night but felt like I needed more time to process the spiritual aspect of the situation. I woke up this morning feeling really good and thought I was ready to put my thoughts in order.

You see when you are on a spiritual path and you are committed to growth however painful it might be, you will be transformed. The awkwardness of changing is beyond your control. First you don't fit where you use to fit and you haven't figured out where you do fit and like the first day of school this is not fun.

This is evident in my life right now. I went to a gathering that included a lot of friends last night. I felt like I didn't really belong there. In fact I got up from the table and someone moved my chair away from the table and put it a single small table away from the big table. It wasn't intentional but I took it as a spiritual sign that this was not my life anymore.

A spiritual path is a personal journey and a lot of it has to be taken alone. In the program and in life everyone has to find what they are looking for and you can only go so far together. You can be there to support one another but the really hard stuff can take you to places that no one but you can go.

I have realized for myself that filling my time even helping others on their journey actually was a way I was avoiding those places. Once I realized that and became willing to face whatever demon I thought was out there, the pain passed quickly. I didn't want to see my own avoidance at first because I wasn't ready, all in God's time I know.

God has seen fit to transform me once again like it or not. Actually I do like it once it is over but it is never really over. If I can get through the fear and trust that if I let go I will be taken care of I can make it. Sometimes I feel that I am hanging by my finger tips on a window ledge and I am terrified only to find out when I finally let go I am on the first floor. The lesson, let go sooner.

The steps are sign post for me and although I don't acknowledge them by number they are like breathing to me. I feel stronger than I ever have in my life and I have finally become enough for me. I thought it was that I wasn't enough for other people but really I wasn't enough for me. It is simple but complicated to figure that out.

I knew it in my mind that I was enough but the child within didn't really believe it. I never let anyone disrespect me but I also needed to be needed in the worst way. I wanted to be loved by others so I knew I was lovable. It is a trap because when they walk away you panic and they take your security with them. The doubts reappear. What I learned this time is people walk away for their own reasons. It is not about what I did or didn't do they changed or I changed and it is no longer a good fit.

I also recognized that sometimes in order to have the courage to break away from a relationship someone has to be at fault. A case has to built against the other person first to propel the separation. The grievances can have some validity but mostly they are BS and would be overlooked if you didn't want out. We change and sometimes a relationship can't adapt or maybe one person wants it to stay the same and it is too late.

It would be nice if we could just sit down and say lets decide whether our relationship is working or not and if it isn't, is it important enough to either one of us to fix it or not? But that would require facing the awkward uncomfortable possibility that no one wants to face, it is not that important anymore. We come to the same conclusion eventually after a roller coaster of emotions have passed first.

I am all over the place with this post and ultimately have come to the conclusion that its all OK. Changing is painful and staying the same is painful because those that are changing are moving on. Can I stop trying to keep things the same? Can I let go an know that it is a part of a greater plan? Everyone has their own canoe to paddle and I can wave to them but I can't paddle it for them. They have to do that for themselves and so do I.

Plastic Fast Food

I went to house this morning to bid on a job and when I got to the neighborhood every house on the block was in perfect condition except the one I was going to. First there was no house number the yard was full of weeds and there was a broken down motorcycle with a tarp over it and rusty cans of paint holding down the tarp.

The first thought I had was alcoholism or addiction. Of course that is a judgement on my part but experience tells me that it only gets worse on the inside. This does happen quite often in my line of work. You never know what you are walking into and I try to keep an open mind and just know I am exactly where I am suppose to be because that is where I am.

I turns out that they she lost her job then they had to sell their bigger house and then her daughters husband lost his job and they move in with their two children. The house is small and now has seven people living there. Her grown son started a kitchen fire an nearly burn down the house. The husband parents got sick and she moved them from Texas and then the father died and the mother has Alzheimer's and is now living in facility.

While she was telling this story the granddaughter was continually bringing me plastic food first a wiener with a bun then one without a bun and then a burger which I thought was a cookie and finally a piece of fried chicken and did I mention I was being sniffed by two big dogs.

The mom told me she had given up and said she used to be a neat freak with everything in perfect order but with all the changes she just tried to make it through the day. I get that, I have been there and I think sometimes a crisis can bring you back to ground zero, whats really important. You can live with much less and tolerate much more, no energy to focus on non-essentials.

I will probably get the job and help them to get the house back in order and spread some experience strength and hope. Today I am grateful to have my own journey.

Just Being There

I spent the day at the movies yesterday with a friend who is experiencing a lot of emotional pain and is not sure where to go from here. I wanted to do something and felt helpless standing on the sidelines but we all have to do whatever it takes to move through the pain.

I think it is part of the recovery process. You realize you are not the person you thought you were and then you start to question everything. The question, who am I and what do I really want from my life starts an inner dialogue that can't be easily silenced. At first it felt like freedom to know that I could do what I needed to do for myself and then fear crept in because I didn't know who I was without those limited views.

So it takes time and we just want it to pass quickly but there is no way to get away from ourselves and nobody can help us through it and that is uncomfortable for everyone. We want to do something, we are doers in this program and fixers but we can't fix anyone except ourselves and sometimes we can't even do that.

Step Two says Came to believe a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanitiy. So all we can do is be there for those making the journey, wait with them comfort them just be there.