What I should want - Being normal

It is Thanksgiving and I have opted to be alone. This is some scary stuff inside the head because it messes with all those insecurities that our society gathers around holidays. In my mind it says "look what has become of you - your life is a failure - you have nobody".

In the program it has a saying " you mind is like a bad neighborhood never go there alone". If I step back and ask myself am I a failure? The answer is no I am happy to be on my own doing things that I love. My self worth is not tied to making sure I have people around me.

If you have been here before you know I have hosted literally hundreds of group invents over my life and a lot times I have felt alone and more like a caterer than someone participating in a something I was a part of. This is who I am and now that I don't feel like I have to live up to the picture in my head I can relax and appreciate being me.

I got two invitations at the last minute one that surprised me last night a coworker called and offered to let me join her family. The other an old friend that was a part of my life when I first found the 12 steps. I just can't do it anymore be somewhere just to prove to myself that I belong. I have seen her one on one a few times lately and this is what I prefer. A more intimate moment with good conversation.

It doesn't help that I am not food focused anymore.  I don't long for those special dishes that I use to make for other people. Is it wrong to not go because I don't want to be there? Does this make me anti social. Someone at work said they were staying home instead of making the five drive the usually make to be with her husband's family. She can be with her own family this year. Doing things because we have always done them is easy. Our brain loves "the same" it is harder to choose again because it feels awkward. 

I only feel bad about myself when I say "a normal person wouldn't want to be alone on a holiday".  The normal ship has sailed a long time ago. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out where I fit in creating a life the I thought looked like a normal life and being unhappy most of the time. I would tell myself "you should be happy - you have the life that other people would be envious of"  I didn't feel the joy I was suppose to have. 

I find on most days now I am singing out loud. I might not be excited about what is on my to do list but I don't feel trapped anymore. If I am unhappy it isn't because there is some magical place in the future that will eliminate this.  I can just decide what to do next or if I want I can choose to do nothing. 

I am working on my book once again. One day last week I got up and pulled it from a basket and read through it. I was inspired to add to it and work on organizing it. It is difficult because even though it will be fiction it is filled with my own memories. It makes it hard to continue without taking an emotional break.

I am thankful today for having all day to myself to be creative. I once heard a monk say they spent 6 months of the year alone. I could never do that I just want to spend time with people that have good energy.  I feel like I have spent too many holidays having the life drained out of me because I thought I had to because this is what normal people do. 

I think Covid has changed us all to want more meaning in this short life we have on this earth. It make sense to me that the younger generation doesn't want to work so hard. This will work itself out and a balance will be found work can give you joy.  It has taken me a lifetime to do what I want instead of what I think I should want.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Being Alone - We hate change - The holiday

I am use to spending time alone but around the holidays my mind can slip into some sad places if I let it.  I do indulge myself a little here and there wishing things could have been different. I am spending Thanksgiving alone this year at least that is what I am saying now.

I was invited by an old friends house to join her and her normal group of holiday friends to have a vegan dinner plus Turkey.  I use to be part of the center of this group long ago when the world was younger and so was I. It was the only time in my life that I felt like I belonged and didn't have to worry about being myself. Over the years it got complicated.

The actual holiday meal wasn't that great emotionally. It was stressful and included a few non recovering alcoholics. I really don't like big meals with other people even though I catered these events in both my marriages. 

I am naturally and introvert even though I like people but only one on one. I liked putting together events but never enjoyed actually attending the event. So the questions is - Will I go? Maybe an opportunity to go back to my past. Yuck.

I don't believe you can successfully go back to any where in your life.  I prefer to limit this kind of return to a place in my head where my imagination can make it all perfect. I can build the room around my own happiness and all the characters are on their best behavior. 

The last real Thanksgiving I cooked someone said to me "this is bland" since they had just gotten out of the hospital after stomach surgery I thought it was appropriate. That was the end for me after cooking thousands of meals with love and care I quit just like that.

Sounds drastic and it kinda of was but I am like that. I can do something or be someone for a long time and then suddenly I just can't do it anymore. This is probably a bad analogy and I have probably written it before and apologize in advance. In my 30's I ate Lean Cuisine for lunch every day for years. One day I pulled one out of the freezer and I a sick feeling and through it in trash. I have never touched one since. When I am done I am done.

I have a lot of guilt about this being done part it has occurred with people as well a Lean Cuisine. In the words of a counselor "there is a long period of time between this is great and I am out of here."  She was talking about my ex's and their sprints out of my life without every actually talking about being unhappy ever. I guess I have done the same.

This isn't totally true I have tried to have the discussion that this isn't working with many people but let's be honest.  We want to believe in the fantasy we have created around the people in our lives and we want to believe everyone is happy and nothing will every change. It takes courage to speak up. People don't want you to burst their bubble and no one wants to believe you don't love them just the way they are. 

Even if you do love them sometimes it ends up from afar because you aren't getting what you need. You have had the life sucked out of you and  you just runaway as fast as you can. I have been run from and I ran when it felt like - What is the point ? - No one is listening. 

It is like - "You can't change the rules now after all this time!" This is when things end or people find away to be happy either with someone else or something that fills the void. Couples who brag about their long relationships that literally do nothing together unless it is for a public event. This isn't conscious it is just no one thinks anything will ever change.

I will be alone this Thanksgiving and I feel grateful for that. I don't want to just go through the motions of showing up to be able to say I had some place to go. Most people don't really get my life but I have been mostly happy alone the past few years. I am writing - painting - drawing and of course working and it feels satisfying. It is only during the holidays I feel awkward when people find out I will be alone. I only say when I am asked.

I am not a hermit because I love the complexity of the stories people have about their lives but I feel comfortable with who I have become and will spend the extra time off creating. 

I will probably write again before the holiday but if not - Happy Thanksgiving.

Acceptance - Family - Beliefs - Making Peace

I have returned from a trip to see my family.  It was a little complicated with my niece house sitting in Charleston and my nephew driving my sister from the mountains to meet me there. Her kids don't think she is capable of driving by herself for four hours.  He brought the grand kids both under three and we watched them while he stayed in a hotel. This wasn't his idea but it worked out until he decided he didn't want to stay the three days as planned. 

I was proud of my sister for holding her ground and saying she was staying and he could drive back by himself with the kids. This solidified my own plans which was to drive her back home.  When first found out that he and the kids were coming I almost cancelled my trip all together. I knew that it would be all about watching the kids instead of a relaxing three days with my niece and my sister.  

My experience over the years with my sister and her family is that you are not factored into the equation ever. It you are visiting nothing is altered for your visit. You can't expect anything more than to just tag along to whatever is going on in their lives.  I might get lunch with my sister and a few dinners out. It was a nice surprise that my sister actually took the whole week off for the holiday. 

With this trip my niece originally wanted me to drive six hours pick up my sister and drive four hours spend three days in Charleston and drive four hours to take her home spend Thanksgiving and then drive another six hours home.  I did decline this plan since my sister is capable of driving four hours herself. This is before my nephew's wife went out of town and it was decided he couldn't be alone with the kids for three days.  Just writing this tires me out. 

The trip was an overall success. The three of us were exhausted running after two toddlers for almost three days.  They left me alone with them while they were napping only to have them both wake up at the same time with one extra poopy diaper. I texted them with an SOS since I didn't think I could watch him while changing the diaper in a stranger's house. 

I did get to bond with the kids and then after my nephew drove back home with them the three of us went for a walk on the beach and had dinner out together. My sister and I drove back together leaving my niece to finish her house sitting duties through the holiday. We were really able to catch up.

We got back Wednesday night and cooked the casseroles my niece had frozen in advance of her trip. We had dinner at my nephew's in-laws as they do every year with me taking the place of my niece at the table. It was nice really good food and I didn't cook any of it. 

I was also worried about the the political climate of my family all Trump supporters and think wearing masks is an attempt to be politically correct. No one wore mask there except in public places. I didn't fight it or say my peace.  I was exposed to them and the kids the first day so I figured it didn't matter. My sister and I had a few words over Obama when she said "he is showing his true colors now" I just gave her a look. She came and apologized and said she didn't mean to get so heated.  

One thing I have come to understand about my sister that even though she is very smart she doesn't like to go against the crowd. Before he beat Hillary we had a discussion where we both agreed that he was a sociopath and bad for the country. Now he is a god my brother-in-law said as I was leaving "when they overturn this election there will be riots in the streets."  

This has been the right choice for her and enabled her to stay close with our dad and his wife. With kids you need family and as much support as you can get.  I was never a good sheep and would never be able to just go along with what is popular with the crowd. I sacrificed having a family because I would never be able to keep my mouth shut. 

My sister loves me and worries about my salvation and fears that I might go to hell. I wonder how people that call themselves christian can support a man who clearly cares about nothing but himself. He definitely isn't following the idea "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

I have found my own way and I don't feel I must win them over to my own beliefs anymore. I do have to prepare myself for our visits and this was the first time I don't need to recover from the trip. We have come to an understanding and she doesn't feel responsible for my salvation anymore. 

I have found peace with being alone and I have found peace with be an outsider with my family. With her kids grown now I have the opportunity to get to know them. My sister's life has not be easy and she kept a lot of things from me to protect her family. Similar to living with alcoholism when one person controls the whole family and you don't want anyone to know what is going on. 

We are survivors and have both done it on our own.  It makes me sad that we didn't feel we could be there for each other. I think we are beginning to know each other for the first time. She is four years older than me so we were never close as children. We are both tough and have found our own way through life and now that we are older we can relax an enjoy each other. 

Making a change for the holiday

It is the first time in a couple of decades that I will actually be spending Thanksgiving with people I am actually related to and not my chosen family. I have been estranged from my family for most of my adult life. My sister loves me but her circumstances clashed with my circumstances over the years and we both have made other choices for the holidays.

When my dad died about six years ago and I went to the funeral his only living sister took an interest in me and started calling me. I didn't think it would last because that side of the family are not much for reaching out. I did good to hear from my dad once a year when I called him on his birthday. She has kept up with me and I actually stayed at her house last year.

Her son lives about an hour from here and they are coming to visit him for Thanksgiving. I have been to his house a couple times and his family is really nice. His wife called me and invited me for Thanksgiving.

I have spent the last hour making my deluxe Martha Stewart recipe for mac and cheese. It is basically fondue with macaroni in it. It will be a southern style meal and it should be fun I hope.

I have cooked Thanksgiving for a lot of years before I moved and last year my friend and I decided to skip it and we made apple pie and snow crab. I will miss my friends this year but it seems nice to actually have family interested enough to invite me.

This has been at the core of my life long insecurities not really being that important to my family. I have recreated this over and over in my relationships with emotionally distant people. I finally get it now after all these years these relationships felt like home.

My aunt gave me more insights into the dynamics of how my father was raised. She has said there was no affection only discipline by my grandfather. This helps me to understand my father and his limitations.

So tomorrow we will feast and I will find out what it is like to be with my family of origin on Thanksgiving.

Pilgrims and Thanksgiving

This day has meant a lot of things to me over the years. The early years while living with the effects of alcoholism I tried to use the holidays to make up for the pain I felt in the rest of my life. I wanted everything to be perfect one time I talked everyone into dressing up like pilgrims. My controlling of others had no limit. Amazingly they did it and it was pretty funny.

Later on I did recreate the Thanksgiving of the Martha Stewart kind and I did this out of love and genially enjoyed the process. That time in my life is over and most of the people that were there for that are no longer in my life. Today I can accept that and my journey has moved forward. It has taken me two years to get to this point and to realize that life goes one. Like it or not.

Today I am having an unconventional Thanksgiving with the people I love and that love me. That is all you can really ask for in life and I am grateful to be able to see that now. The program has given me a life I never even knew existed. I can be who I am and know that I am loved and accepted. This is what I consider a spiritual awakening.