I Am Sam - Pleasing Others

I thought I better write before I run out of steam. I have been home for an hour and have eaten and finished up a scrabble game I started last night. I don't usually have food in the house but since I cooked this weekend I might have eaten a little too much for dinner. I am sleepy and it is below 50 outside and it is a good night to hibernate.

Nothing too exciting today at work just some paperwork. I did have a few customers come into the showroom. The first was an older woman with her grown daughter looking for a kitchen to install by Christmas, this Christmas. We do have a few displays we would be willing to sell. They decided to come back Saturday with the husband, nothing like waiting until the last minute.

The second customer to come in was previous client, we put his kitchen in a few years ago and wants more cabinets and a bathroom vanity. He brought a young boy with him, maybe about nine, I would it was his son, but he kept calling the man David. He was very articulate and had an opinion on everything. As they were leaving I said nice to meet you and I asked him his name, I thought he said Tim and he blurted out, I am Sam and then we bumped fist, not my idea.

After they left, I commented to the owner about the kid and he said while I was talking, Sam plugged up the toilet with paper towels. Oh well some things never change, kids and bathrooms not a good combination.

A pleasant day even if we are freezing our butts off here. I was suppose to go to a city council meeting tonight and see a presentation on a plan to improve my area of town. I was going to meet my old boss there because her husband is getting into local politics, I really didn't feel like going and I had a customer call and wanted to come by after work, so I sent an email saying I wasn't coming. A cop out I know, she was a tough boss and everyday in the office was a test of courage mixed with friendship. I know she will be disappointed in me. I never could please her no matter what I did.

Once, when she was still my boss, she asked me to feed her birds. She had a two page detailed list of instructions and homemade bird bread for them. I was terrified because she loved her animals more than any human. I came in and the bird was missing, I thought I was going have a stroke. I looked everywhere the cage was still shut, how can this be? The bird had burrowed under the paper at the bottom. I would have had to quit if the bird had been missing. I probably mentioned this tale before but I was really scared of her then.

She probably figured I wouldn't show up tonight. I was glad to have an excuse, not to go, but the truth is somewhere deep inside I still want to get her approval. I always was just short of the mark even though she kept promoting me there was always and under current of criticism. This is a pattern for me with those that do not trust easily. I am in one minute and then suddenly I am out. I then try to get back in by any means possible until I am exhausted and give up. I want to good enough.

I have disappointed a lot of people lately since I withdrew from my social commitments but it has been good for me and I needed to stop looking outside myself for approval. It was a test for me, was I enough for myself on my own? Could I love myself if I didn't have a list of things I had done or people I had pleased each day.

The answer is yes. I am enough just they way I am. I don't need to meet the expectations of others to feel worthy of love. But it had to start with self-acceptance, self love to make that shift. If I am whole I can give without needing something in return. I can stand on my own two feet and do what is healthy for me spiritually.

It hasn't been an easy time for me being alone, but without distractions I have healed places in my heart that I thought would never heal. The emptiness I have carried since my mother died. I wanted someone to fill this hole but I was the only one that could do that.