Uncertainty - Act as if

I am in the office today and feeling not exactly motivated by what is on my desk. It is dark and rainy looking outside. I am happy that it is in the 60's today after reading a post about waiting for the water to thaw to take a bath.

I am alone in the showroom today and there is some kind of fumes in here. We have another cabinet business in the back but no one is there. It could be the paint and body shop next door who knows. I am the canary in the mine around here. Sometimes when I arrive last I get an instant headache, everybody says they don't smell a thing. I think they have all been in the business to long. The fumes collect in my office because it is the last office. I have opened the doors to get some ventilation.

I wasn't sure if I had anything to really write about today but I thought I would give it a whirl. I read the first page of my computer journal November 28, 2008 and it inspired some gratitude. I realized that some things have changed a lot and others things are still the same.

It was the dreaded day after Thanksgiving and I didn't want to be at home alone so I came into the office. The owner was about to have surgery for colon cancer and the other designer was about to have her first baby. I was holding down the fort. Looking back, in my state of mind, that was pretty hilarious. I was worried about the business staying afloat with only one crazy designer at the wheel for about four months. It just goes to show that anything is possible.

What this makes me realize is that what is going on on the inside, other people can't really see, even though I was crazy and a loon 24/7 I managed to work and keep the business going. Things are not as they appear is what I am getting at and just because I feel crazy doesn't mean I appear crazy to other people.

Act as if, isn't this what they say in the program? I always felt that this was kind of emotional dishonesty. I had spent so many years in denial I didn't want to pretend any more that everything was just super. Thinking about it now, for me it just means going about your business, not pointing out my own shortcomings so they are up for discussion.

Keeping my fears private and finding a more compassionate audience is being mature. I am extremely critical of myself and it is hard to not just lay it all out there. Start down the list, in my experience this can give some people the opportunity to turn my on insecurities back on me. Luckily I have weeded most of those people out of my life and I have to admit, before the program, I did that to others. Especially with the people I was suppose to love. It was part of my tools for survival. I have other tools now.

I am happy to report the owner has recovered from cancer and heart surgery. My partners baby turned two last weekend and the business is still open. I am still crazy on the inside but this time crazy in a good way. I am not telling all my secrets and writing about this today has made me see that I worry too much. On my best days my faith is strong and on my worst days the uncertainty in more than I can handle. Today I am somewhere in the middle.