Bragging - Criticism

Ending another long six day work week exhausting but productive.  Every time I think I can work on balancing my life a little better a wave of work crashes over my head.  I think I topped a new record for myself this week in work hours ending yesterday with a 12 hour day.

I am not complaining okay maybe just a little but as long as I can remember I have always liked working. Only a few times when the job was boring or didn't suit my personal temperament did I absolutely hate going to work.  I can think of two jobs that fell into this category and luckily neither lasted too long.

The first was a bookkeeping job at a water bed store in the early 80's.  I got the job through a temp agency it was just me and the owner an ambidextrous guy who could use two adding machines at the same time.  I am fine with numbers I just don't love working with them and within a day we mutually decided this was not the job for me. A dark little office in the back with literally one light bulb hanging from the ceiling with the two of us crowded in there together.  I still pass by that location sometimes it has been a number of things over the years and today they are selling golf carts. 

The second job was a receptionist job where most of the clients calling were from China, Japan or Korea and I could never translate what they were saying or even pronounce their names.  I did my best and ask for the spelling but even then I could understand the letters they were saying. All this while the phones were ringing off the hook.  I was relieved when I was fired.  

I has always easier for me to admit that I wasn't good at something. A bit harder to was to acknowledge my talents. I was taught that bragging on yourself was impolite and that you needed to wait until someone else pointed out your special gifts. In my family that never really happened it was always about reaching the next level. They were quick with the constructive criticism helping you to do more be more. 

So most of my life has been spent waiting for someone to appreciate me and what I bring to the table. I have been appreciated both at work and in my personal relationships but I depended on it to keep up my confidence. As we all know the praise of others is short lived and when it was gone I was devastated.  In my immaturity I thought that it was my fault and that if I improved myself the next job or relationship would last.  I  would work to improve myself and then find the next person that appreciated me.  

I am just now learning to appreciate myself and not let how I feel about myself be determined by what others think about me. I have always done my best even if sometimes it wasn't good enough. I can admit my part but I can no longer accept full responsibility. I have hurt others just as I have been hurt and for that I am sorry. 

I guess the point of this post is to know yourself and appreciate your worth.  Also know that relationship are like jobs some are short term and some could turn into careers. Know who you are and what works for you and if it doesn't last then move on and don't blame yourself.  

This has been a month of grieving and soul searching and I feel I am ready to appreciate myself and start feeling like I deserve a fuller happier life. I am grateful I have the ability to see the things within myself that causes me suffer and do something about. 

Rich full life - Mustard seed

I watch a lot of inspirational or motivational speakers who all insist that you must have a plan a list of things you want to achieve or own in order to have a rich full life. I really buy into this kind stuff even though I have never actually had a life plan it always seemed to me that life had a plan for me.

I think my childhood up bringing where with the faith of a mustard seed anything is possible attracts me to this kind of soap box rhetoric.  Putting the onus on me to make my dreams come true and if they don't then I am not doing something right.  This coupled with my analytical mind puts me in a loop of dissatisfaction blaming myself for my lack of success in some areas.

If you heap the fact that at 11 belief and prayer did not keep my mother from dying of cancer complicated this belief in the almighty and set me up for a life time of inner conflict.  To believe or not to believe.

I like the idea that I have this power to change my life or that my belief in a power greater than myself can make things work the way I want them to but what if they don't.  It is exhausting to constantly be monitoring my thoughts so I don't drop the positive ball and it rolls out of my grasp.

Life was easier when I knew less when I was able to just rely on some simple slogan to get through the day. That the world was in perfect order and if I just took one minute at a time everything would work out the best for everyone.

I feel like this inner conflict has kept me stuck for awhile. I feel this is the last conflict that I would like to resolve but I know in my heart that there is no resolution and just the very search for a resolution is causing my suffering.  It is trying to control the uncontrollable or know the unknowable.

I don't feel it is all doom and gloom.  I do believe that we are spirit first an foremost and through circumstances life has heaped on layers of experiences good and bad on each of us. We can spend our lives toting around those experiences lost in our own mental and emotional prison or we can let go and face each day knowing full well that anything can happen good or bad.

It is totally terrifying to just let go and live even if we might not get what we want in the end. For me I have decided to just let go again. The other way is worse for me it is too much to be responsible for every moment of every day.  I think it is in my best for me to step out of this loop and accept what comes my way

I think this direction will lead me to peace and if not it will give me more time to be open to others ready to let go of their own suffering.  The road here has been long and every step I have to admit was absolutely necessary. I will continue to seek out motivational speakers when I feel down but I know they don't have the answer either they are just doing what they do best.

On the outside it might  not seem I have a rich full life but on the inside it is a different story.

Music - Feelings - Love

I stumbled upon this great band this week on Youtube and have listened to several concerts and was planning on collecting some of the their music when after googling them I saw that the lead singer left his wife of 13 years for a movie star.  Now I am not interested in listening anymore.

I know it seems ridiculous I don't know the circumstances but it struck a cord within me. You commit to someone through thick and thin and when they finally make it the first thing that happens is you get dumped. You don't get to enjoy the success after enduring the tough years together.  

My reaction to this unknown situation did make me realize that you never get over being left by the person you expected to spend the rest of your life with. Especially when they seem like they have found everything that the two of you dreamed of together with someone else. 

Luckily we all aren't famous and don't have to see the joy of the ones we lost in pictures. All though these days with the internet you can go out and cause yourself some pain on Facebook if you want.  I have done that a few time but for the most part my ex's are pretty private and not doing too much posting out there.

It never feels good especially today when it seems others have moved on and you haven't. You imagine that everyone in the world is in love and out celebrating Valentines Day. I say imagine because that is just what I am doing and from experience no relationship is as it appears on the outside. 

When it comes to relationships we can do a lot intellectualizing.  We talk about how things just happen and you fall out of love and it is all for the best. We can say we were young and we out grew each other but in the end it still hurts no matter how many years have past.

I have finally accepted that I have feelings of sadness this time of year. February is a month of losses for me including the loss of my mother. I have to acknowledge those losses because when I don't they surface in some unexplained way which make me feel nuts.

I know the sadness will pass more quickly if I just embrace it just for today.   If you live and love there will always be loss that is just life. 

I won't be listening to that band again for now. I will get over it once I stop transferring my feelings to them. In one of their concerts it was mentioned that one of the love songs cost a lot of money. I guess the ex-wife did get some monetary payoff for those thirteen years. Enough to mention it on stage. That did make me smile. 

Healing - Save Yourself

I watched this movie called "Take Care" about a couple who after he recovers from cancer he dumps her. In the movie she guilt's him into taking care of her after she has a serious car accident.  I liked the movie because it is about healing and about emotions what is really going on behind what people do.

On the surface it seems people do terrible hurtful things but it is never meant to be personal. In fact it takes courage sometimes to do the unpopular thing "save yourself".  I have never been that brave to look deep inside and decide my own happiness is more important than the promises I have made to others.

It isn't because I am such a good person it is because I feel more comfortable being the victim.  It is a role I have played in most situations where it was me versus them. Maybe because I know first hand what it feels like to be left and couldn't imagine putting someone through that. On the other hand I always think "this has got to get better" which as we all know sometimes that isn't true.

I am not a person of action emotionally.  I am conditioned to be more of a person of contemplation and by the time I emerge with a moment of clarity the world has passed me by.  The more impatient folks have gone on their lives.

I have accepted that this is my way.  Sometimes this way has left me isolated and sometime lonely but this where my life has led me up to now and I have few regrets.

When I see people behaving badly I hurt for them because I can only imagine what has gone on in their lives to bring them to this point.  What do they believe about themselves that could make them hurt other people or sometimes even themselves.

We are the sum of all the thoughts we have ever had about ourselves. Maybe some of them are true maybe we think some were passed down to us but which ones. We can't blindly trust what our mind tells us because sometimes our thoughts can hurt us and make us hurt other people.

In the movie the ex boyfriend admits he left her because she represented the cancer and he wanted to forget that it happened. Life gave him the opportunity to heal himself and heal the one left behind.

It is the small stuff - Thinking bigger

Sometimes in life some small thing happens and it triggers a wave of emotions and thought that sends your life in different direction. This happened this week. It seems on the surface something silly but in truth is represents exactly where I am in my life right now.

Naturally it has to do with design.  I found some unusual chairs that I thought would be great for my dining table.  I don't really need them but they were a deal.  The store allowed me to take them overnight to see if they would work. 

When I got home from work I was so exited I called my friend who lives on my street and said hey I really want you to come and look at these chairs and tell me what you think. I have to return them in the morning. 

The answer I got was "I am reading can you send me a picture?"  This little moment made me realize just how limited my support system is and that something has to change. Of course my next thought is that I have caused this I have let a lot of people go in my life and that has left me a small group of people to fill what few needs I do have. 

I don't have big needs any more I am not looking for someone to fill a huge void in my life but someone that would be kind to me and give me a little support.  A relationship of give and take that celebrates the friendship.

I am the kind of friend that would do just about anything for anyone of my friends that ask. It would be nice if I thought that this could or would be reciprocated in some way if I needed it to be.  This kind of thinking has hurt me in the past and I thought I had rid myself of these kinds of expectations. 

I survived my life by being autonomous leaving me with the appearance from the outside of not needing anyone.  I have surrounded myself with autonomous people but I am willing to admit that I do have needs and I do have feelings.

This all may sound like no big thing so what my friend wasn't interested in me or excited about something I am excited about.  It tells me I have to change my life and do more reaching out.

I haven't been able to support anyone these past few years.  I was all used up and needed to heal myself but I have done that and I am ready for something more.

I can't undo the past or retrieve those friends I lost along the way but I can make an effort to expand my world. It is too small now and I have to think bigger.