What is going on? Spritual Awakening

I have spent a lot time alone this holiday. Being alone shows me exactly where I am emotionally and ultimately spiritually.  I have been doing some writing this weekend about my childhood journey and my mother's sickness.  The writing started out very objective but scene after scene that I relived started to feel physically heavy to me and I wanted to run. Could I still have emotions tied to something so long ago? The running is really the painful part not actually feeling the emotions.

In an attempt to run emotionally I actually decided to physically run on my treadmill.  Now you know this is definitely a desperate way to avoid having feeling when you would rather exercise. At first it really worked focused and sweating I was moving fast.  Then the old song I think it is called What's Going On started to play.  When the emotions came to the surface tears streamed down my face.

I am writing about a little girl who was living in a household where something was wrong but no one was talking about it. Even when it was obvious that there was a secret and things were happening but it was clear to me that I shouldn' ask questions so I didn't.

We were told that if you don't speak the words of faith that the miracle you are looking for will certainly not happen. If we doubted that God would heal my mother then she wouldn't be healed.  I took that to heart and assumed that she would be healed because that is what I was told.

When she died I couldn't understand how that could have happened.  During the years of her sickness I learned how to be autonomous. Before her sickness I was the problem child demanding with ADD and an endless stream of ideas and questions about everything. When she got sick I learned to take care of my own needs and stay out of the way as much as possible. Be helpful or be invisible if I could. Even before she was sick my life was easier when I entertained myself alone in my room or in the basement.  I didn't get in trouble or get whippings and everyone seem happier especially my mother when I stayed out of the way..

I have felt like that throughout my life and during extreme periods of pain and sadness I especially didn't want to be a burden to anyone. Until writing about this time in my life this weekend I didn't really see that this is how I came to be who I am now and why I don't reach out. Why the only person I have ever really trusted with my emotions was ex husband and that ended with him running away screaming.

People like strong people and I have been strong since those early days in the basement. My sister recently told me that when she was leaving for college at 17 she didn't want to leave me with my stepmother and I said to her "don't worry I will be fine I can take of myself."  In her mind this gave her permission to not worry about me.  She was telling this story saying "you said I could go."  I was twelve and evidently had the authority to do that.

I am not a fan of re hashing the past like I am doing in this blog today but sometimes when you have spaces in your life and you don't try to fill them with some kind of entertainment even exercise you can have a spiritual awakening that can cause you to cry while running on a treadmill.

I can see where the idea that I should take care of myself came from and why I believe everyone should be responsible for themselves and work through their own problems. I have helped a lot of people along the way realizing they weren't like me autonomous but something happen and I have grown tired.  I take take care of myself  and try not to be a burden to anyone.

I know this is wrong and that I do need emotional support and I need to support others.  I will see where this thinking leads me.

Embellishing the Truth - Getting trashed

I have a lot of under the surface emotions this time of year.  I am grateful for this because it is no longer surface feelings that control the way I feel about myself.  It is all old news and just writing about it gives it the only life it has for me anymore.  I am not going to write about it this year.

When we think about the events in our lives it gives them life. Sometimes the story we recall are just  embellishments of the truth of things. Like "that was the happiest time of my life" when the real truth if we scrub it down we can see that it wasn't. This is how we survive and pass the time in our heads.  If only that had not happened things would still be as perfect as I remember. Fat chance.

For me I have always imagined that if I had had a mother that loved me for more than 11 years I would be a more happy and fulfilled person now.  Recently I have been working on writing an embellished story of the events of an eight year old girl being raised in a pentecostal home with a mother that had cancer.

This is interesting to go back.  It is for sure embellished because my parents kept it from me.  They told me my mother was sick but God would heal her so not to worry.  I was eight and we were fundamentalist and I believed my parents.  I went on with my eight year old life.

Everything I knew about life was black and white it wasn't until life trashed me over and over that I found out that no matter how many times you do the right thing or prepare you can get blind sided. Black and white is not a mature view of life in my opinion.  Having this view makes you think if something bad happens there is someone to blame and it you can't find someone you blame yourself for not being good enough. God would not have let that happen if you were doing his will.

In my mind there was no better christian than my mother.  Every day she - prayed out loud for hours - read her Bible - never spoke badly about anyone - did missionary work - never bought herself anything new.  I wonder when I see church on tv today what she would think of the big business church has become.  She would say "that is none of our business to judge what they are doing it is God's business to do the judging".  She would be right of course

She didn't prepare me for the real world while she was living.  She didn't prepare me for people that weren't like her.  How people can say they are Christians can do terribly mean things in the name of Jesus. When I was treated badly I always thought it was my fault why else would they be acting that way.

I am mature emotionally now maybe.  I can see that hurt people hurt people and it is mostly nobodies fault.  As an adult you can step back and decide whether you want to continue to have this person in your life.  The other option is to detach and not take it personally.  This is hard because sometimes people know you so well that they can easily push your buttons and you feel stuck the way you felt stuck as a child. Just remember you are not stuck anymore and after the meal you can pack up and go home. You have the power even if you don't believe it.

It the holiday for being with the people that stir up those old stories you have about yourself.  Take heart you can detach and know that in the future you can embellish this years Thanksgiving any way you want.  It doesn't really matter now does it?  Be happy with where you are now all grown up.  Maybe.

Family - Addiction - Peace Versions of Reality

My family came and went this past four days.  It was a nice visit everyone seemed pretty chilled out without stressing out over the the schedule.  My sister and I we don't have any big angst between us anymore except at one point she said Obama was a big fake and the secretly he was really just as bad all the rest.  She compared the president to Bill Clinton and his treatment of women I just let it pass.

Sometimes when you aren't quite comfortable with your own position on something you have to make the other side out to be a villain of some sorts.  I know this is what I have done with my ex's and other problem situations in my life.  You can't just say "it just doesn't work for me."  Or "things have changed and I have moved on." 

You have to justify why you don't like or want to be part of something anymore or why your better off.  I think this is how you get past the guilt of moving on or letting go of the hurt of something ending.  In my sister's situation assuring herself she is on the right side of things.  Before the election we both spoke about the fact that the man is a sociopath. We actually agreed on that I am sure at this point she would say she never said that.

With the death of our mother we both have built a fortress around our version of reality.  She also ended up in the middle of full blow addiction.  She went to Al-Anon a few times to help someone else and said "it really wasn't for her she wasn't in denial and the people there were so strange."

She knows what is  best for everyone and she will tell you that. Sounds just like an untreated Al-Anon to me.  I have no desire to do anything about that anymore. She wants to save everyone but when you are dealing with addiction they have to want to save themselves. Like they say "cunning baffling and powerful."

When you are dealing with addition it is not the person you knew anymore.  There are two people in there one running things the other small and scared taking orders.  I felt this way when I was depressed.  I felt like I was a prisoner of my mind and the negative self talk. I just wanted to end that talk and thought I couldn't live another day like that.  I imagine that is the way addiction feels with the substance giving you temporary relief from the self -abusive talk.

My sister said "we didn't turn to drugs or alcohol to solve our problems."  I said it was because we had a strong foundation to start with and probably because we were control freaks.  I really don't know why some are more susceptible than others.  Grace is really the answer to that question.

I am grateful that I have some peace with my family after all these years.  Time does have a way of making you realize it isn't really that important anymore.  It feels good to spend four eventless days with my blood relatives without trying to change anyone's mind or even state my own.

 

Peace - Hope - God

I am feeling a lot of peace right now.  I am trying not to over think it or dread future problems that aren't any of my business right now.  Where I work I have over heard some rumblings of "what if we lose?"  It always feels like us against them I have family and friends on both sides and I know they both have good intentions.

Last Sunday I watched couple of TV preachers and they both had underlying messages in the opposite direction.  You would have to read hard between the lines to get the gist of what they were saying.  In one "Jesus protected the meek" the other "What is right isn't always the way of the world."

These aren't real quotes just my own interpretation. I am on the side of the meek really and I don't think people that are not like me or that I don't understand are something to fear.  The problem is that I have a hard time understanding those that seem like they only care about themselves.  My point being that I am not all inclusive either. I don't include those that think God is only on there side.

I get where the beliefs come from and it does seem that world is becoming a darker place. I know it is hard for us to find something to believe in and have hope. I like the message of hope.  If people are lonely or addicted and feel like they are on there own where can they go? A positive message even from a TV evangelist can spark hope in someone that feels alone.

I don't believe that we were all given the same opportunity to have the life we want.  I had parents that loved me and said to me that "Jesus loved me and would be there for me."  The fact that they told me this showed that they loved me and they wanted me to not be afraid. This was a positive foundation that I built on my whole life even though my own family abandoned me.

I can't imagined what it would be like if I didn't have that foundation. I have been through some tough times emotionally and have moved back and forth in my spiritual beliefs but you can't ever really get past your foundation. If your lucky like me and it was positive then you can build on it.  If you lived where you were a burden and the people that were suppose to love didn't act like it then you are starting with less than nothing.

In this volitile time I think only messages of love are needed.  Once people can stop hating themselves or living in fear of people they don't understand they can listen to their heart (if they have one) and will make changes. The people at work who are scared or scarred both have some people terrible childhood storys where they were taught eat or be eaten.

We are all in pain and are looking for comfort and trying to protect ourselves from change. Believing that our God is all powerful and only on our side calms our fears and helps up to have the courage to get up each morning. It is just human nature to do anything to avoid that fear we have that something bad is going to happen and pointing fingers at people that are different than ourselves.