My friend who is going through a bout of depression and grief called me yesterday and wanted to spend the night. It is a good weekend for me since I am off today and tomorrow. I want to help but not feel responsible for her. We talked a lot about what she is thinking and saying to herself. I know all those thoughts intimately since I experienced them myself and really couldn't convey to other people the total lack of feelings I had for life or anything in general.
It was like going down memory lane for me and I showed her the cartoon by Hyperbole - Depression - Part I and II. Until I saw this cartoon I thought that what I was feeling was unique to me the lack of desire or even sadness virtually no feelings at all. Until the point of feeling nothing I had longed to stop being sad and stop crying until there was nothing. Nothing felt like a relief at first and then it stayed so long I didn't want to live anymore. The idea of doing something about that thought seemed like too much work.
A wanted so bad to be somewhere else or really to be someone else. I wanted a different life somewhere in the future. I wanted time to just move on. As long as I wanted something else I stayed stuck. It was only when I finally gave in and just laid in the nothingness and accepting that this was my life that I started to feel better. I stopped beating myself up for not being someplace else.
I should have gone to the doctor but I didn't have real insurance and didn't want to pay out of pocket. It was the recession and I felt like I couldn't afford to pay for it. I was at the lowest place in my life and my judgment was bad.
I am not against medication I do think that sometimes it dulls people down so that the real issues don't get a chance to come to the surface. With my friend I keep these opinions to myself. She is grieving ending a 25 year relationship and starting over. This is the first holiday solo and that is always harder than you think it will be. They have her on many meds at this point.
I have suffered a lot and I have also learned a lot from my suffering. I am happy and free today for the first time I don't feel like I need to work on myself. I just feel like I can enjoy the day as a whole and complete person.
We are naturally self - absorbed and being depressed can magnify that to a point that you are living in a bubble and for me I really didn't want anyone trying to break that bubble. Every suggestion or idea that someone had for me my mind rejected. I had to find my way out of the darkness sort our the lies I was telling myself about the mistakes I had made in the past or the idea that I wasn't lovable.
I had to fight back and start being my own Prince Charming and love and take care of my own needs. You need to be healthy to attract healthy. You need to be healthy to be free and happy with the life you have been given. I can love myself now whether anyone else loves me or not.
I feel strong enough to emotionally be there to support my friend without taking on her sadness. It was grace and hard work that brought me back from the darkness and I hope she will find her way.
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