Depression - Fighting Back - Lies I told myself

My friend who is going through a bout of depression and grief called me yesterday and wanted to spend the night.  It is a good weekend for me since I am off today and tomorrow.  I want to help but not feel responsible for her.  We talked a lot about what she is thinking and saying to herself.  I know all those thoughts intimately since I experienced them myself and really couldn't convey to other people the total lack of feelings I had for life or anything in general.

It was like going down memory lane for me and I showed her the cartoon by Hyperbole - Depression - Part I and II.  Until I saw this cartoon I thought that what I was feeling was unique to me the lack of desire or even sadness virtually no feelings at all.  Until the point of feeling nothing I had longed to stop being sad and stop crying until there was nothing. Nothing felt like a relief at first and then it stayed so long I didn't want to live anymore.  The idea of doing something about that thought seemed like too much work.

A wanted so bad to be somewhere else or really to be someone else.  I wanted a different life somewhere in the future.  I wanted time to just move on.  As long as I wanted something else I stayed stuck. It was only when I finally gave in and just laid in the nothingness and accepting that this was my life that I started to feel better.  I stopped beating myself up for not being someplace else.

I should have gone to the doctor but I didn't have real insurance and didn't want to pay out of pocket. It was the recession and I felt like I couldn't afford to pay for it.  I was at the lowest place in my life and my judgment was bad. 

I am not against medication I do think that sometimes it dulls people down so that the real issues don't get a chance to come to the surface.  With my friend I keep these opinions to myself. She is grieving ending a 25 year relationship and starting over.  This is the first holiday solo and that is always harder than you think it will be. They have her on many meds at this point.

I have suffered a lot and I have also learned a lot from my suffering. I am happy and free today for the first time I don't feel like I need to work on myself.  I just feel like I can enjoy the day as a whole and complete person.

We are naturally self - absorbed and being depressed can magnify that to a point that you are living in a bubble and for me I really didn't want anyone trying to break that bubble.  Every suggestion or idea that someone had for me my mind rejected.  I had to find my way out of the darkness sort our the lies I was telling myself about the mistakes I had made in the past or the idea that I wasn't lovable.

I had to fight back and start being my own Prince Charming and love and take care of my own needs.  You need to be healthy to attract healthy.  You need to be healthy to be free and happy with the life you have been given.  I can love myself now whether anyone else loves me or not.

I feel strong enough to emotionally be there to support my friend without taking on her sadness. It was grace and hard work that brought me back from the darkness and I hope she will find her way. 

Dreams - The body - Peace

I slept too long this morning.  I was lost in the dream world and it seemed so interesting I wanted to stay so I did.  The dream had to do with renovating a very old house for some customers the house definitely had some potential but what we were doing felt like a band aid. I decided to exit the dream because I looked down at my bare feet and there was a spider biting my toe.

I wonder about dreams are they some other world that maybe after we die we return there permanently. Maybe they are just clusters of a the parts of our mind that aren't very neat and organized. All our interest and worries jumbled together and we have to be there in person to deal with them.

I have been a little annoyed since I came back to work after taking a week off. I got a taste of what it might be like to take care of some of my own personal priorities.  Maybe that is what the dream was about the biting of the spider a painful wake up call for me bring my focus back to me and maybe even my body.

I have spent a lot of my time dealing with my mind and my emotions.  I finally feel that I have found the answers that will allow me to be free of the need to continue trying to fix myself spiritually. During that process my body was never a priority.  It just followed my mind around without much complaining.

So I have decided to go to a more plant based diet no extremes just more plants.  This past month I have been just eating when I am hungry and mostly just one bigger healthier meal a day.  This has satisfied me and I have lost a few pounds and took the focus off food.  I now think I am ready to go one step further and start focusing on preparing more meals at home and eliminating meat from my diet.

In my past I identified myself as a good cook I spent years in the kitchen preparing tasty meals to show my love. When that piece of my life ended I lost that part of me along with many other labels I had given myself. I didn't cook for others anymore and if I did cook the joy wasn't there for me. I just cooked to get by the passion was gone.

While on my healing journey and have reached a place of peace. I no longer feel that I am broken and need to be fixed.  I know I have been looking for someone to love and cherish me but really I needed to love and cherish myself first. I can do that now and stop looking for the external world to show me I am worthy of love.

What does this have to do with diet and food.  I guess it is just me listening to my inner self telling me it is time to start nourishing my body and giving myself the love I so freely gave to others with my cooking. A slow migration towards taking care of myself physically as well as spiritually.

Over the years I have given up things like Diet Coke which I craved. I woke up one morning and was done. Then I gave up sugar in my coffee and then coffee. None of this felt like deprivation I knew in my heart that I was using these things as crutches or little rituals that helped me escape from a life that scared me.

It feels good now to just trust the process and not pressure myself into big changes. My inner spirit will take me where I need to go if I will just stop long enough to listen. That is what time off did for me it gave me a chance to listen.

This is an appropriate theme for Easter a time of year for awakenings. I have given up who I thought I was for a more whole less needy person.  This came with a lot of suffering and has brought me to a place of forgiveness for myself.  I was never enough for me I can see that now and therefore never enough for anyone else. My journey I can see now has been truly a miracle.