I tore my deck up yesterday. I knew this was coming but I don't like to commit mentally or physically in advance to these kinds of projects because it scares me too much. I start thinking to myself "what if I can't put it back together?" I know once I get into it I will figure it out but the commitment terrifies me.
One thing about getting older and really knowing yourself is that you know the way your own mind works and if you are quiet you can identify the fear that lies beneath. My fear always surfaces when I think "I can't do this or worse I don't want to do this by myself".
At this point of fear I usually want to eat something. The moment feels like too much and I want to run away. Before no carbs this meant the M&M's from the vending machines upstairs at work. Now it means more than a few cashews or almonds. If I am rested and focused I can identify that moment of dreading something and just stop and see it for what it is a moment of doubt.
I am a strong person and have battled my way through a lot obstacles wishing someone would swoop in and save me from them or at least help me. I have rarely experienced that someone willing to just say "hey I can help you with that what do you need done?" This has been my lifetime fantasy.
I remember once at Thanksgiving I met my aunt and uncle at their son's house a few hours from where I live. The guys were outside and came into the house and said your tire is low would like us to take it up to the corner and get it checked. It was so weird to have someone think about me an my welfare. Even now just writing about this makes me emotional.
I have taken care of myself my whole life and when I was younger I was afraid to depend on anyone to do anything for me. My choice of friends and partners were either just like me autonomous or they just let me do everything. My most recent ex would do whatever I ask but never considered me otherwise.
I blame myself for being "Autonomous - Declining all outside contributions" This is from Al-Anon about how the program doesn't accept donations from people that might want something in return.
Yesterday I did some emotional dumpster diving looking up my ex and finding what seemed like happiness displayed through social media. I promptly went outside and tore up my deck.
I have never wanted that life back since it was split apart without warning but my life hasn't turned out how I imagined it would. I never longed those times when I was the caretaker of someone else is life and was rarely even seen. My part of this is that I liked it that way being the rock which everything was built on. I knew this part well being invisible.
I am not that person anymore and I am happier than I have ever been being on my own and being visible to myself and a few other people willing to actually see me. I can appreciate what I bring to my own table and not feel like if something were to happen to me that the people that say they love me would disappear like they have in the past.
I have forgiven myself for the choices I have made because I did my best. The child in me just wanted to be loved, cared for and cherished. I thought if I was always contributing someone would see me and say "thanks so much - what would we do without you?" This is what a child wants to be seen and thanked or at least acknowledged.
My mother would ask me to clean my room and after I was finished I couldn't wait to show her the results. "Come see what a great job I have done" this usually ended in "if only you could keep it this way". Not quite good enough I am sure this isn't what she meant. I have heard the same thing come out of my sister's mouth. We were always striving for better in our house compliments were few and far between. It was meant to keep us humble and it worked.
So I tore up my deck and feel pretty drained today and slept about nine hours. I don't carry this stuff around too long anymore maybe a few hours because I know that I have done best. I am happy with the day I have before me or at least what is left of it.
Whether you are a mother or not this mother's day when someone does something right just point that out to them and thank them for giving of themselves. We are never too old to hear that what we have contributed has been seen by the people we love. I know I have been guilty of this myself plenty of times but I am going to keep trying to see the effort.
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