I am not broken - Earned love - I am enough

We have been open here a few weeks and I have been busy.  In the zone with an unending list of things I have to get done and being so focused that hours and hours go by without a break.  This is my usual method of working or even when I am not working.  I use to beat myself up about it because my play looks like work to other people. 

I once was on a cruise and I thought "what a waste of time" eating and drinking and watching silly shows. I like to learn things all the times even my hobbies are the hobbies are about getting things done.  I use to read but I think I read myself out a few years back.  To recharge I watch positive funny movies or shows that people with skills compete. 

I realized I am just a person that is built for work and I should celebrate that about myself. Since grade school I have offered my services - art classes or products - fake finger nails made from Elmer's glue to the heavy stuff in high school - copying parents signatures for customers that needed excuses.  It never occurred to me that this was dishonest.  I was just providing a service that was needed an making a few bucks.

In the past when I hung out with other people I needed a drink to quell this desire to be moving and learning. When I cooked that kept me on the move and focused on the next task.  Plus crowds or groups are too stimulating to me and I have to flee. 

Living alone has really anchored me in a way I have never experienced before.  The peace and the lack of people wanting me to be involved and mainly take charge of a particular situation. A crisis manager and I am good at that for sure but I have done enough of that in my life. My work gives me plenty of interaction with other people and plenty of problem solving.

I can accept that this is who I am and that I should be proud of what I have accomplished in my life. I am not broken because I don't fit into the social norms of this society. I have always been a leader not a follower and even if I have envied people that have their specific place in life. I have even tried to conform and be more like those people but it never sticks. It ultimately makes me sick and depressed when I try to go along with the crowd or do what I am told without question. 

I can finally stop wanting to be different and celebrate who I am. I can stop thinking I need to earn love from others by taking care of them when they didn't want to take of me. Earning a right to be there being good enough to be wanted.

I don't believe in unconditional love accept from dogs maybe and even they would leave you for a big juicy bone.  Everyone has there limits and have to take care of themselves love from afar.  This is really a healthy thing where you can know from the inside that you can love and take care of yourself and not expect someone else to validate you.

I do believe in love for sure and I have been loved and maybe I was loved more because of that extra care taking I was providing.  I and did those things out of love and without expecting anything back but it got old and eventually felt one sided. I really needed to take of myself with the same intensity. 

I am strong and happy these days and accepting who I am.  I am not 100% enjoying handing my life back over to my work but I will make time to finish my projects at home eventually.  I am happy to have the business. Accepting and loving yourself opens you up for healing no matter how deep the wounds.