The wild can be spectacular but also represents life at its most basic a short time after this the owl met its mate and had breakfast. From the sound of it a birds nest on the other side of the water this was very sad to me but part of all or our existence really. The natural order of survival.
My screened porch is on the second story with only trees and water for a back yard. This is reason I bought this house for this porch and the tree house effect. When I was sick this is where I spent most of my time.
Before I bottomed out and was still running from my inevitable breakdown I invited my friends over once a week and we practice group meditations holding hands by candle light for sometimes up to an hour. One evening a huge owl showed up and flapped his great wings just a few feet from the screen. It felt foreboding and we said very little that night. We all had things we were dealing with at the time.
Spiritually seeing Barred owls is suppose to represent deep understanding because they have black eyes unlike most owls. It is suggested that you should take time out and evaluate where you are and know that you are connected spiritually as much as physically to this world and to a higher understanding.
During the pandemic we have all been given this opportunity to stop and be awake to who we are on the inside. It can be extremely disturbing to be alone with yourself for a long time. This is what I was running from all those years ago.
I knew there was a darkness withing me that would consume me if I faced it. I wasn't sure what it was so I ran until I was so exhausted I collapsed into myself. I was paralyzed in the darkness but couldn't do anything about it. My moment of grace was one day I was sitting on the floor of that same porch and in my mind I heard "you are doing this to yourself".
I wasn't sure exactly what that meant at the time but I let go that very moment and stopped resisting where I was and leaned into the sadness. I stopped saying to myself "I don't want to be here anymore". I just let go and stopped trying to figure out why this was happening to me. Before that I was thinking that I could find a solution to my pain if I just kept going over the past.
It was strange because there wasn't really anything to lean into. I had exhausted myself trying to figure out what I had done to cause this to happen to me. Letting go gave me time to rest my mind and when I stopped running and turned to face the blackness nothing happened.
I was empty at this point.. What happened next was a long uncomfortable time of nothingness. I felt like an empty shell walking around. The past and the person I was was gone. The layers and layers of the person I had created over the years did not exist anymore it felt so strange but in a good way.
I started over and looked at everything with fresh eyes. I could see that my suffering was caused by believing that there was something about myself that was unlovable and that was why everyone left me behind. In my emptiness I could see even if that was true the one person that could love me was me. I could give myself the love and compassion that I needed. It wasn't easy to do that at first because I thought you were only lovable if other people loved you.
Even if you think God loves you in the back of your mind there are conditions. Meeting God's expectations as translated by your own mind. I had to win my own mind over convincing myself that I was lovable first before I could be open to love outside myself. This probably sounds really weird but this is my story of how I became a peaceful happy person.
I have done the right thing for other people for a long time. I was loving and thoughtful anticipating their needs but there was something missing. I thought they deserved love and kindness but I didn't. I surrounded myself with people that were just like me unavailable emotionally. I was loved as much as I loved myself which was not so much and definitely not the love I imagined was out there for me.
The love I have found is inside myself makes me enough. I have changed my life down to my eating habits and the people I associate with as part of the process of giving myself the love I deserve. I have felt so free and happy and open to what life has to offer. Open to new people and who knows maybe even a new love.
The owl sighting today did make me think about my life on that porch and all that I have gone through there. I am a new person and have learned a lot about how my life has been about moving between my earthly existence and my spiritual existence. I can be at peace now for the first time without wanting something more.
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