There has been a number of mile stones in my life that have changed the person that I am today. They say the earlier the tragedy the longer it takes to overcome those life events. It is not impossible if you can believe that how you feel right now is not permanent. Your situation is not unique and out there somewhere someone has experienced and overcome the same thing. It is believing you are alone and permanently broken that keeps you in a box of your own making forever.
Right now a lot of people are feeling the same way and at least we all know it. I do think that finding a self help group or a community is the beginning of finding a better place emotionally as long as you are there to commiserate and be stuck with other people that are stuck. ]In the 12 step program they say "take what you like and leave the rest". This is my life motto and the only reason I could stay.
In my own life I have experienced some serious breaks of my spirit. First the loss of my mother to cancer at eleven and then the subsequent breaking apart of what was left of my immediate family. I married an alcoholic that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with that left me alone after almost a decade. Then I met someone who I trusted again who left after 13 years.
If you have read my blog you know way too much about all of these things but my point here is that I thought my situation was unique and that I was alone with all the feelings I was having. I am a strong person who because of these things I am changed forever and I know that I will make it no matter what but this wasn't always the case.
I have a picture in my closet of a party with a group of ten people that at the time were my friends. I only see one them now and when I am feeling low my mind tells me "this is your fault. You are unlovable and you deserve to be alone." What a mean to say and I know it isn't true.
I have loved big and have been there for a long time for many people in my life and I don't regret any of those relationships. They have shaped the person I am today. I also know that I am forever moving forward emotionally and spiritually and this is not how most people live. People want you to stay the same and they want me to stay with them.
It is in our nature scientifically to find the most efficient path each day and stay with it. Our brains in an effort to survive want things to be predictable and as simple as possible. We love a routine but hate boredom this is why we inevitably take things for granted. The job we hated suddenly isn't there anymore or annoying family member that gives us grief for not visiting we now can't visit.
We dreamed of getting away from work to be home with the family and now we dream of going back to get away from those same people. I spoke to a woman this week at work who is working part time at home with her two kids and she said they just won't listen and do there school work.
This time at home although very short for me personally is a time to evaluate what we are doing with our lives. Living mindlessly day to day like our brain wants we can miss the obvious things right in front of us and it takes real courage to be awake and really live each day. Actually seeing and hearing people instead of hurrying on to the next thing as quickly as possible.
I spent the first half of my life just trying to get over every trauma. Someone much older than me said once "stop wishing your life away". I always wanted things to be easier and always thought "I must be doing something wrong". This was my own immaturity having raised myself. I thought the things that were happening to me made me unique. I missed the joy of each day and the people in my life planning for tomorrow.
I am mostly peaceful now and living through the traumas in my life has taught me well that ____ happens and you can either let it swallow you or you can wait and be patient and it will change. I will warn you that it isn't always for the better at first but it will work out.
I didn't always believe this when I was left for the third time I suffered a breakdown of sorts. After 13 years I was left alone this coupled with the recession, menopause and a thyroid condition I wanted my life to be over everyday. Most people ran from me or I ran from people because they wanted something from me. I could barely live each day and the one friend still in my life now didn't. They were content to just let me be instead wanting me to change back.
The person I was even last year doesn't exist anymore but I am okay with that because I have done my best and today I am safe and happy. I have no idea what tomorrow will look like but today looks pretty good. I want to know but it isn't in my power to know so why waste another minute on wishing my life away.
My final word in this post may sound crazy but living in the present or at least today requires looking at all the small stuff we are doing like the food we are eating. Our brain wants a constant feed of sugar or carbs and we may think "comfort like mom use to make" is the answer but this is as addictive as any drug out there. It does sedate you temporarily but then you want more and more.
I use to think I wanted that bowl of tortillas because I just like them but it wasn't true. Once I was able to reduce the carbs in my life I never craved another thing. Even when I slipped and ate something it didn't really taste good and then I stayed hungry for the rest of the day. I wonder now that if I knew this when I was so depressed would it have lasted as long as it did. I really didn't know I could be this happy despite a pandemic.
Great, heart-felt post. Thanks for sharing.
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