The voices in our heads - not ours - not good enough

Watching Chopped has become my new happy hour at night to wind down from the stress of the day. Last night there was an episode where one of the chefs playing talked about how his father thought he was never good enough. He never measured up and he left home at 17 and never went back.

He might not have went back but he brought his dad's voice along with him and it was controlling his life. Every round he confessed to the mistakes he had made to the judges and how he should be chopped.  He said he wanted to win so he could prove to his staff that he deserved to lead them. 

It was heart breaking because he was the only one that couldn't see that he was carrying the words of his father and hearing it from a child's perspective. When we are children our minds are like a big sponge and everything stays with us forever. We believe the opinions of the adults around us because they are the Gods in our lives.

In my own life I felt like I wasn't good enough no matter what kind of success I had in business or personally. I never really allowed myself to enjoyed the moment I had to keep working on to be better everyday. I rarely felt any joy in just living and being who I am.

In the program I did learn that what people said about me were just their opinions made through the lenses of their own messed up lives. Luckily I am the most stubborn person especially when someone tells me I can't do something. I pushed through every obstacle imaginable but never felt like I was enough. Some part of myself believed what was said about me when I was young. 

I have chosen people over the course of my life that mirrored my own feelings about myself. I wanted to be appreciated without appreciating myself.  I can see that now how I was striving to become good enough and have other people to fill that void in myself. Today I am free from that wanting and avoid the people that don't support me.  

The guy from the show won of course.  Ironically he was up against a woman who had great parents that supported everything she did.  She wanted to win to show her parents that the sacrifices they made for her were worth it. She remarked that it was sad to think his parents couldn't see his potential.  She was happy for him and hoped he could start believing in himself.

We are the ones that keep these voice alive sometimes even after the person who said them are dead. People are messed up and want to hurt other people with their words.  We can choose to believe those words or we can see they are only words.