The voices in our heads - not ours - not good enough

Watching Chopped has become my new happy hour at night to wind down from the stress of the day. Last night there was an episode where one of the chefs playing talked about how his father thought he was never good enough. He never measured up and he left home at 17 and never went back.

He might not have went back but he brought his dad's voice along with him and it was controlling his life. Every round he confessed to the mistakes he had made to the judges and how he should be chopped.  He said he wanted to win so he could prove to his staff that he deserved to lead them. 

It was heart breaking because he was the only one that couldn't see that he was carrying the words of his father and hearing it from a child's perspective. When we are children our minds are like a big sponge and everything stays with us forever. We believe the opinions of the adults around us because they are the Gods in our lives.

In my own life I felt like I wasn't good enough no matter what kind of success I had in business or personally. I never really allowed myself to enjoyed the moment I had to keep working on to be better everyday. I rarely felt any joy in just living and being who I am.

In the program I did learn that what people said about me were just their opinions made through the lenses of their own messed up lives. Luckily I am the most stubborn person especially when someone tells me I can't do something. I pushed through every obstacle imaginable but never felt like I was enough. Some part of myself believed what was said about me when I was young. 

I have chosen people over the course of my life that mirrored my own feelings about myself. I wanted to be appreciated without appreciating myself.  I can see that now how I was striving to become good enough and have other people to fill that void in myself. Today I am free from that wanting and avoid the people that don't support me.  

The guy from the show won of course.  Ironically he was up against a woman who had great parents that supported everything she did.  She wanted to win to show her parents that the sacrifices they made for her were worth it. She remarked that it was sad to think his parents couldn't see his potential.  She was happy for him and hoped he could start believing in himself.

We are the ones that keep these voice alive sometimes even after the person who said them are dead. People are messed up and want to hurt other people with their words.  We can choose to believe those words or we can see they are only words. 

 

Opinions - Everyone has one

I have to remember I am right where I am suppose to be. Even if it feels unnatural to let go when everyone around me has an opinion about what I should be doing.

My sister gave me an ear full last night about getting my resume together and getting out of my job situation. Today we went to a lawyer to draw up the papers to get me into the situation my sister thinks I should be running from.

This afternoon I met with my retirement planner and he said I have wasted a year of my life keeping a business open that wasn't mine. I said it was necessary to get me where I am today. He said that that was just an excuse and the road blocks were just in my mind.

Meanwhile back at the bat cave the boy wonder, my cousin, was leaving me nasty messages saying he hated me and is glad the my husband Bob left me 20 years ago. He wants from his trust and I won't authorize it. Sticks and stones...

What is it they say about opinions? This is a long way from the beautiful Manatees I visited on Monday. Beautiful is a lose term when it comes to Manatees they look kind of like slugs with faces and a tail.

I am content in letting go even if no one thinks I know what I am doing. I do really.

One thing I know a lot about and that is me. I know how my mind works and the emotional process I have to go through to make decisions. I might take longer than others but when I reach a conclusion I will rise to the occasion and kick some butt.

I am floating today somewhere between trusting myself and God and the opinions of others. I feel pretty good actually and I will come out ahead, I always do.

According to the Chinese horoscope I am a Tiger and regularly wait in the brush until I am ready to ponce or sometimes I might fall asleep and miss the whole thing.

We shall see.