The worrier in me - Protecting myself from the negative - 4th step - being whole

I had a celebrated getting another year older this week with not much fan fare. Someone kind decorated my door at work which was totally unexpected. I am not great with other peoples birthdays and I feel guilty about that.  I was never that great and then when I went into deep depression I just let what little effort I made go. I have hosted many events at the request of others doing the cooking and decorating but I am not the one that remembers the dates.

I am a very focused person and I am always working on the task a hand and not on planning or thinking about other things. I always wished I was one of those people that had a day timer or an electronic calendar it would be really easy especially these days. I have bought so many of them and it would last maybe one day. When I was an executive I used outlook to keep up but now days I don't plan too far in advance and this works for me. 

I know some people say they are booked out a month to make their customers feel like they are privileged to work with them. This doesn't support my idea of flow and living in the present moment. 

When I was trying to out run the pain I felt inside I booked every minute of my day so I never had to face the pain I felt inside. The emptiness of all that I had lost in my life. The feeling that I was not worthy of love because I had lost so much. I felt it was my fault because I was not good enough. 

I think most people feel this from time to time but I always thought I was unique. It was a secret that kept to myself and tried to be the best person I could be hoping someone would notice me and love me. This would get rid of that gaping hole I had inside me. 

I did get noticed by other people with equal gaping holes. It was reassuring at first but we never got better together. It is good to find support and comfort each other but sometimes it keeps us stuck in the same place for a really long time. You have to find the wholeness you need from within. 

I have been writing about my past this week. A good 4th step for anyone and I have written these stories many times. With every writing over the years there is less and less pain attached to those memories. This week I felt love for the girl and women that experienced those moments. I can love her now and see that she was just doing her best. So broken and living in constant fear of making a mistake. 

I have forgiven her and see how she was just trying to survive. She made some good decisions which has brought her to where she is today.  Happy and healthy. Is it weird to talk about yourself in the third person?  I do that because she is long gone and she seems like a character in a book. I can write about her now without judgement and this makes me free. 

My aunt called me for my birthday.  She is the only one from my dad's side of the family that has kept up with me over the years. I don't keep in touch to often because her view of the world is negative even though she is a pretty happy person. The conversation is about her health and then about the violence around her. She lives in the country so this violence is only on TV.

I don't accept negative input ever from anyone. That emotion drains me and I have to protect myself. It stirs up the worrier in me.  I can't solve any of these problems so why dwell on them. I need my energy to get through the day. If the information isn't positive I can't listen. Believe me if something terrible happens that I need to know about someone will tell me. 

I am reflecting on my life this week and I feel peaceful. I do plan to make more of an effort to honor the birthdays of the people that are important to me.  I did send my sister flowers for her birthday this year so that is a start. 

 

The voices in our heads - not ours - not good enough

Watching Chopped has become my new happy hour at night to wind down from the stress of the day. Last night there was an episode where one of the chefs playing talked about how his father thought he was never good enough. He never measured up and he left home at 17 and never went back.

He might not have went back but he brought his dad's voice along with him and it was controlling his life. Every round he confessed to the mistakes he had made to the judges and how he should be chopped.  He said he wanted to win so he could prove to his staff that he deserved to lead them. 

It was heart breaking because he was the only one that couldn't see that he was carrying the words of his father and hearing it from a child's perspective. When we are children our minds are like a big sponge and everything stays with us forever. We believe the opinions of the adults around us because they are the Gods in our lives.

In my own life I felt like I wasn't good enough no matter what kind of success I had in business or personally. I never really allowed myself to enjoyed the moment I had to keep working on to be better everyday. I rarely felt any joy in just living and being who I am.

In the program I did learn that what people said about me were just their opinions made through the lenses of their own messed up lives. Luckily I am the most stubborn person especially when someone tells me I can't do something. I pushed through every obstacle imaginable but never felt like I was enough. Some part of myself believed what was said about me when I was young. 

I have chosen people over the course of my life that mirrored my own feelings about myself. I wanted to be appreciated without appreciating myself.  I can see that now how I was striving to become good enough and have other people to fill that void in myself. Today I am free from that wanting and avoid the people that don't support me.  

The guy from the show won of course.  Ironically he was up against a woman who had great parents that supported everything she did.  She wanted to win to show her parents that the sacrifices they made for her were worth it. She remarked that it was sad to think his parents couldn't see his potential.  She was happy for him and hoped he could start believing in himself.

We are the ones that keep these voice alive sometimes even after the person who said them are dead. People are messed up and want to hurt other people with their words.  We can choose to believe those words or we can see they are only words.