Taking care of ourselves - Finding Peace

I got a text from someone in the program last week asking if I was interested in catching up.  It had been so long since I heard from them that their name was no longer in my phone. I was apprehensive at first because the person I knew before was sad and kind of controlling.  Our times together were managed down to the minute and being with them felt like walking around under a wet wool blanket. 

I was having my own issues and already had my own wet blanket to carry. The time we spent together had some painful memories attached to them.  The good news is their in a different place no longer playing the victim and martyr of the family. We get a lot of mileage from feeling like we are the only ones willing to take on the being the caretakers of our friends or family.

It is a terrible burden and does take a toll on you emotionally and physically but this is the choice we make. We want to live up to the person we think we are inside our own heads. I have done it until their was nothing left inside. Leaving only a ghost of a person. 

It is hard to decide to choose yourself over the wants and needs of other people. If you are raised like I was it is your responsibility to give your all and sacrifice even your health if necessary.  I saw this with my mother no matter how sick she became she wanted to live up to the person everyone believed her to be. At her funeral the church couldn't hold the crowd. This is what we all want right?

Her life was incredibly short and our little family shared her with everyone. I always felt like she was exhausted living up to the saint she had become. Her family calling constantly with one self created crisis after another. My dad was the saint without every a complaint sharing her with so many all the time. She was doing God's work. He thought she would live forever.

It was hard for him when the end came he felt like if God was going to heal anyone it would be her. I don't remember her being that positive about this life or joining his enthusiasm about being healed. I think her life had been hard and this life too confining. She just stayed too busy to feel joy. Every picture a forced smile on her face. 

My sister would totally disagree with everything said here because it is easier to pretend everything was perfect than to admit we all are flawed including our mother. If she could have said no sometimes and learned that she deserved to take care of herself then maybe she wouldn't have gotten sick.

Those that sacrifice for others are mostly invisible to the rest until they are not there anymore either physically or emotionally. It is our choice to give until there is nothing left. It is our responsibility to see that sometimes this kind of giving is done to fill a hole that we have in our life. We think no one will love us if we aren't their savior but others have to be given to the opportunity to save themselves sometimes. It also makes a void for others to step up and do their part.

Most of the time no one ask us to make the sacrifices that we make but then we resent those that take advantage of our generosity. I did this for many years and it always started from a place of not expecting anything in return and then feeling drained but too stuck to stop. I don't carry the burdens that rightfully belong to other people anymore.  

I am happy for my friend that they have found peace and happiness just like me. I never thought that would happen for them or for myself. We all have to find our own way even if it takes a lifetime.  

Relationship Zombie - Too late to take a leap

We had such hopes for 2021 but it looks like we will have to hold on a little longer. I am sad for the Texans that expected to have their state make sure they had electricity and water.  This same event did happen a decade ago and many promises were made but just like every human on earth it doesn't take long before it is business as usual.

How can we ever get the people in charge to choose people over money. I really don't think it is totally about greed I think it is about the game of achievement. Most of the successful people that we know are focused on the next moment the next thing and are disconnected from the reality of the people they are affecting. 

They are just filling their 24 hours the same as the rest of us and just like us are so far removed from what is happening to other people.  I feel that way myself on weeks where I am so busy I don't remember much about what happen. 

This week we had a death of someone that made their wealth spewing hate without any regret. Spending the last six months on this earth inflicting as much damage as possible. I know his persona started out really as a joke just being as absurd as possible.  The more outrageous the more popular he became and the more rich he became.  Getting lost in the person he had become with addiction underneath. 

I think at some point there is no turning back, even if you want to, there is that moment where you become who people expect you to be it is just easier to go with it. We have all done it to a certain degree just went along because this is what is expected. We feel empty and too afraid to take a leap of faith to shake things up. What if every one leaves me and I am alone and no one loves me?

I wish I could say I took that leap willingly but it was forced on me because I had become a zombie even if I couldn't see it myself. I was always doing what I thought other people expected me to do instead of searching for my own inner dreams. I didn't mean to become a zombie but I wanted to be loved and this is how I earned loved by giving you what I thought you wanted. 

I didn't think I was lovable unless I met your every need before you even asked. This resulted in my love being flat and predictable and invisible. It is human nature to like things to be the same and also be attracted to excitement at the same time. Someone else took the leap to make there new dream happen leaving me behind.

I am grateful to be myself today even if my life is different. I can be at peace with the person I have become today. I am also grateful to have power and water. I do wake up every morning and stating out loud the things I am grateful for this includes - Hot shower - my house - my car - my neighborhood - my city - my state - my country and the world. Silly I know but it wakes me up to what is important.  You never know about tomorrow.

Letting go - Short cut to happiness - I felt better

I am a seeker by nature always looking to make anything better this hasn't always helped me in the letting go department.  I can always see the many possibilities that others aren't ready or even interested in seeing.  My belief that there is a solution has sometimes left me stuck. I can't let go or move forward because I am sure there must be a way out. I have had to wait until something major happens to force me to more on. 

I watched a show on Netflix about a process where you mentally - Just Let Go - You imagine your worries clenched in your hands and then you imagine releasing them. This does really work just like turning your problems over to God or meditating and watching your problems float off in a bubble one by one. 

I have researched a lot modes of healing and they all have worked for awhile and I have benefited greatly from trying them. They brought me closer to seeing the power to control my own beliefs about myself. My mind and spirit working together to help me see how I was really hurting myself repeating my own jaded stories about who I was and what had happened to me. 

It hasn't been a quick road for me but that is because I would have never accepted the simple idea that I had the power to heal myself. I loved and protected the story I had about myself and truly believed that I was permanently damaged to the point that I wasn't lovable.  I proved this theory by surrounding myself with people who were just like me they could not love themselves either. We were broke together. 

I think my stubbornness or really my inability to give up the narrative in my head kept me from taking responsibility for my own suffering. I was comfortable being the victim it gave me permission to do lay back and feel helpless for as long as I wanted. I had to get sick of this and write new stories.

I am not saying that I haven't been mistreated because I have but it is what I read into these times in my life that did the real damage. I felt like I needed these people to love me in order to feel like I belonged on this earth. I couldn't make this happen so I was lost still searching for a permanent connection. 

I have made huge strides starting with counseling almost thirty years ago. My counselor was tough and didn't let my natural ability for self BS to distract the both of us from really scary parts of my story. The main benefit for me was that I had refused to grieve the many losses in my life. I cried for weeks until I got caught up. It was a huge relief and our time together was over. I felt better.

She suggested Al-Anon and I started going and was a quick study. I didn't just dip my toe in but I was all in I had tasted relief with counseling and I wanted more. Everything said there including the what I considered "silly slogans" literally saved my life. The meetings kept me from being alone in my head and blaming myself for all the things I had done to get myself into this mess. I felt better.

I did what we all do I met someone and spent a lot of years distracting myself with life doing what everyone says you are suppose to do to be happy. I adopted and created a new family and stayed a busy as humanly possible to avoid what I felt when I stopped long enough to feel anything. Dead inside.

You could say it was fate or you could say I manifested my own freedom but the shallow roots of my life were suddenly ripped out of the ground.  All the stable things in my life were gone overnight. I had let my guard down thinking I was secure and there was nothing and I lost it mentally, emotionally and physically. I could no longer operate as the person I had been up until that moment. At first I had to deal with finding a place to live but once the dust settled I had nothing left. 

My spirit was done and I could no longer run from what was chasing me. I let go and floated around in the the nothingness for what seemed like forever. I did what I had to do and pretended that I was the same person but I wasn't. Inside I had let go of the identity I had created for myself about myself. I gave up all the labels that I tried to live up to even being a spiritual seeker.  I couldn't identify with anything I had been before I was too tired to fight. I was at zero. 

I ask myself if I could live at zero and I said "yes". The funny thing is that immediately I felt better like the holding on had zapped all my strength. I didn't really have anybody left in my life by then. This was in part because those that like to help couldn't. I wasn't the rock anymore I couldn't assure them that I would be okay. This was uncharted territory I was letting go of everything. 

One friend stayed by my side until they felt I was safe.  They didn't ask anything of me or try to cure me in anyway they just let me tag along. I imagine it was like toting around a mannequin perfectly harmless but kind of strange. Looking back I want to believe that my spirit and my brain were healing me even without my conscious participation. 

Letting go saved me in the end and even now while I am writing about the past I know that it was necessary for me to see through the lies I told myself. I felt damaged by my past to the point that I didn't think I could be happy but I was wrong. Nothing anyone has said to you or anything you have said to yourself is true. The events happened but only you give them long term meaning and accept the permanent damage you think they have done to you. This is a choice we make everyday.

It doesn't mean you don't have a right to be mad or even have to forgive those people but realizing that you are free to heal even if those people are gone or even dead. We give them so much power even from the grave sometimes. I am enough no matter what.

I keep writing here hoping that I can help keep someone out there from taking the long way like I did. I have found the person I was before bad things happened. I have found a way to stop running from the things that scare me because I know I can face them. I have learned to be grateful for what I have in my life today. I can talk about my past without permanently attaching it to who I am right now. 

I can be happy and not be afraid of just letting go.  

 

Do you see me? Living in crisis - Taking care of yourself

I slept in way too long which means I have some pretty crazy dreams that usually force me to get up. This week was super busy and I worked a lot of extra hours.  When I do this it feels like I am missing out on the joy every day can bring. 

It takes me back to a time when I missed big chunks of my life focusing on just getting through one crisis after another. I thought this was normal and maybe it is for a lot of people.  For me I remember scenes from these times, usually not happy ones, but I don't really remember actually participating.  

I wonder if I got this from my own mother who stayed busy and never ever really rested. My sister is like this too and has had some serious health scares. I think sometimes we think if we stop running then whatever is chasing us and will eat us alive.  I am not like that now and it feels more natural to be at peace than to be running so fast. Growing up it was one crisis after another and this feels normal to us.

I was telling my hairdresser last weekend that I was writing about my childhood and didn't really remember but one intimate moment with my mother. I also said that I thought we were more like a job to her and of course raising a family is a full time job but I really didn't connect with her unless I was in trouble.   

The moment occurred when she drug me out of church for making too much noise to give me a whipping. We exited through a door between the old sanctuary and the new one and after the whipping we got locked out. We couldn't get in or out and had to wait until church was over which was a long time. She was so mad at first but then she started laughing giving me the signal to laugh too. I remember being big but not too big for her to hold me on her hip. 

My hairdresser said to me "I think I do that. I don't see my girls as little people that I can get to know. I am too busy doing my parenting job to really see them."  I was happy that sharing my experience might change the way she sees her kids. Just like me they want to be seen sometimes when they are not being just managed or in trouble. 

My mother was amazing and dedicated her life to helping other people. She knew when she got sick that she had to prepare us for taking care of ourselves but she also taught us that other people especially family was more important than your own needs or even our health. She was closer with my sister since she was four years older than me and had more time with her. Her story is different than mine.

I have learned the hard way that it is important to take care of yourself first so you have something left for the people you love. It isn't the responsibility of others to see that you need taking care of everyone is too wrapped up in their own problems. 

Today I know when I need to slow it down and after a lifetime I have come to appreciate what I bring to the table. I can now do what I need to do to take care of myself instead of the years I spent exhausted waiting for someone to notice that I had needs too. I am stronger than ever and happier too. I am not too busy to enjoy what everyday brings. 

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