Triggers from the past - I don't belong anymore

I am off today and sometimes struggle with whether I should work or not.  This only happens on the Mondays I am off and never when I am off Saturday and Sunday.  It rained all weekend and I was in a funk yesterday feeling trapped inside instead of working in the yard which is my favorite thing this time of year.  When I don't have specific plans I feel like I could be working. 

I had a little bit of an emotional trigger with that came up while I was working through an old Sudoku puzzle book. I found it mixed in with my travel books and decided to see if I could still do them.   

The book starts out light and easy then moderate and then demanding.  The past few weeks I have been proud of myself for bringing my brain up to speed so quickly and was looking forward tackling the demanding.  When I turned the page they had been filled out. The first couple completely and the the next two with tiny little numbers in each box. It was my ex's hand writing so tiny and distinct. I forgot when we traveled we shared these books. Back then I didn't believe I was smart enough to do the demanding one. 

I was surprised by the feelings that washed over me when I saw that tiny print. The next day I made things worse because I had an appointment near my old house and I couldn't resist a a drive by.  I was happy that I felt nothing being there it is no longer my part of town and the yard and house looked a bit neglected. I am not there to take care of those things.  

That night I pulled out the book and erased the ones that had been filled out but not completed. I know now I can complete the puzzles on my own. It is funny how things can trigger emotions from the past and for me I have learned just to lean into it instead of resisting the feelings, This will make them pass quicker. 

My life is not the life I had imagined I would have so many years ago. I am happy with the life I have created for myself even if occasionally I wander back into the past. It is normal to do that it is only when you think you could have done something to change it that gets you into trouble. Everything is always changing and it is when we resist we get in trouble. 

I have finished two demanding puzzles and I am moving on. I did actually go out today and buy and plant some more flowers. Work will be there tomorrow waiting for me.