I wrote a post yesterday that didn't make the cut so here I am today. I listened to a message today that I felt brought up some things for me. It was really about suffering and the growth that occurs during suffering. When I had my "dark night of the soul" a glamorous way of describing an emotional breakdown I had to decide where to go from there.
I wish I could describe the freedom I felt when I finally let go of the outcome of my situation and accepted my state of mind. I was trying so hard to not feel bad and trying to be the person I was before that I was exhausted day and night. I was barely operating and I was amazed the not too many people really noticed or maybe they did by mostly avoiding me.
When something rocks your world for me it was the loss of the life I thought I would have it can be too much. It manifests itself spiritually, physically and emotionally. It is a deep sadness that goes beyond emotion to the point of feeling nothing.
The coping skills I used in the past didn't work anymore. I couldn't be busy enough, work harder or even use the spiritual search to get through it this time. It terrified me and in the morning I would look in the mirror and did not recognize the person staring back at me.
I thought I was unique in this experience but this is a story of many spiritual seekers the absence of faith and what to do with this emptiness. The desperate need to be rescued when you are at your bottom and you feel abandoned by everything that feels familiar. Where are you God?
I didn't really have the strength to believe in anything. I had to just let go and quit trying or believing and I had to quit running. I remember the day it happened to me a calmness came over me. I surrendered to who I had become in that moment. I thought "okay this is who you are now so just accept it" I immediately felt relief from trying to fix myself. I started just walking through each day without expectation.
It was a long walk and it changed me forever. I am not the person I was before because I can see that all the things that I thought were important don't really matter. When I had dinner with my neighbor it made me realize I am no longer interested in seeking anything but peace. I am not looking for the for the meaning of life.
All I could think was "I use to be that person but she is gone" I don't miss her because I know it was me that was seeking something more than those things and I have found that for myself. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger and happier if you let it. I had to stop trying not to feel bad it was the resisting that really hurt.
The mind gets locked into "I don't want to feel this way" I rejected every part of my life during my dark night of the soul. I didn't take care of myself while I was resisting. When I let go I slowly came back to life and started to love and take of myself. I am changed forever and find it hard to relate to the things people worry about today but I know I am complete and whole from my experience.
If you feel like you are alone in your sadness and suffering don't give up hope. It is in the struggle to remain the person you were before that drives the suffering. It is the running that drives addiction of all kinds. We have to stop running and turnaround and face the enemy in our thoughts.
We have to face the false beliefs we have about ourselves and see them for what they are lies we have been listening to all our lives. It is our belief in these lies that keep us stuck and once we are stuck our minds just wants to go there. To a place that is familiar a suffering that is familiar. The thought that "I am broken and can't be fixed" this is where we feel the most comfortable. We can choose to be the past or we can choose to start again this moment and be who we want to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment