Embrace it or get rid of it - Baggage

Embrace it or get rid of it. This is what I came up with during my meditation and journaling yesterday. I am where I am and it is my own lack of acceptance that keeps me in turmoil. There isn't really anything in my life now that couldn't be changed.

First my biggest issue is work. Should I stay or should I go? Do I stay and accept the uncertainty or do I get out there and find something else? It is my choice to continue as I am waffling and whining.

Second my house it too big for just me. This isn't really true and it is a great house. It is perfect for me but lately I have also felt like it is another burden. It seems everything in my life is a burden. This view keeps me tired and climbing some endless hill.

Even the small stuff is weighing me down these days. It is my thoughts that make me feel this way, no one is making me do anything but me. So I must embrace those things in my life or get rid of them.

My friend said that was black and white thinking but I don't think so. I see it more as accepting what is or moving on. Bringing your whole self to the party or not showing up at all.

If your on the fence you give other people mediocrity. The weight of indecision or just tolerance doesn't serve anyone. So finding a way to look at the situation so I can see it as my choice instead of seeing myself as powerless is the only answer. If I can't do that I got to let it go.

I have been resisting my life since the break up and holding on the hope that I will feel secure and happy again someday. Why can't that be today? I wasn't happy there for a long time. I was fat from filling my void with food and I developed health problems. This came up today because I am changing insurance and they had questions about my temporary asthma. I haven't had that since the day I left there I was suffocating.

Why can't I accept that being on my own is not some tragic void but an open road with endless possibilities. Letting go of something that is not there anymore anyway, how can that be so hard? Why must I let the past define who I am today? Without the stories or grievances will I be empty?

For me I get really scared every time I decide that something is no longer serving me spiritually. The baggage. Who will I be without it? Free. Free to replace it with something better something that brings me joy today. What if I don't know what that is? So I guess I can stay in the old familiar stories or I can take a leap of faith and make some new ones.

Confrontation - Manipulation

After dinner last night my friends and I were discussion our alcoholic relationships that got us into the program. All the stories were similar from the standpoint of the slow erosion of our own self-worth to the eventual total domination.

One person said that she thought she had lost her mind because her husband told her regularly that she never said that. Finally she started writing things down and reading them to him just to prove to herself that she wasn't crazy. Only an Al-Anon would do that.

I know now this a two way street that you give away your power as much as it is taken but when you live with alcoholism or a sociopath even the most self-confident person can be manipulated. When something is said with such conviction you tend to question yourself and what you remember. My ex would regular tell me, "don't be ridiculous" when things didn't add up and I became suspicious of his drinking an cheating.

It is tricky because in a new relationship you are so in love and eager to please so you give in and then it becomes expected. My experience is with sick relationships that you become isolated with only one person for feedback and everything is distorted. The program helped me to become more whole and less dependant on validation from other people. Every one's opinion has equal weight and we can agree to disagree. Not thinking if I don't agree with you you wont like me. This might be true but now I am willing to take that chance.

Today I had a confrontation with a man that came in with his wife. She and his mother came in yesterday to look at counter tops and she said she would bring him back in today. He was very abrupt and said he wanted the cheapest possible because they were not going to live much longer.

When I gave him the price he said he wasn't going to pay for it until it was installed and he was happy with the product. I said we required a deposit and once I paid for the slab and it was cut for his kitchen it could not be used for anything else. He said he was good for his word and I said we have been here for 35 years and are also good for out word.

I felt bad for his wife I could see she was embarrassed by him and said she would call me later or not. He was angry at the world and she seemed use to managing him I did that with my ex and it is exhausting. Today I am comfortable in my own skin and can remain calm even when faced when facing a bully.

We need the business but sometimes it is better to not take on someone you know will be a problem. Life is too short. He was going to show me that he was in charge. I felt sorry for him living with so much anger.

It did shake me up for a couple of hours. I handled myself well even though my heart was pounding.

Real pancakes this time.

I once again thought myself into a corner. I like the phrase my best thinking got me here and in my life I prove that over and over again.

I was listening to this guy on You-Tube that was forwarded by a friend. In my mind the ideas his ideas were not that profound but for some reason it struck me hard.

The general gist of the discussion was to stop struggling and let life take you where you are suppose to go. If you lose everything you will see that it all really means nothing. His point, we have attached importance to everything we see and feel and our thoughts of separation from this is what causes our pain. This is not a new idea of course it is about faith in the unseen. In the program it is living one day at a time.

I like his ideas because he is right we could be less obsessed with obtaining things or accomplishing things and more focused on relieving the suffering of others or creating joy in our lives. But the reality of the situation is that his lifestyle is supported by people that pay to fly him all over the world to hear what he has to say on the subject of having no desires. He only accepts expenses for his visits not actual income.

This recent bout with yet another spiritual idea has made me come to the conclusion that all paths lead to the god of my understanding. When I left work yesterday I felt like I shouldn't do anything and just let go and let life take me where it wants me to go.

So I took myself to Cracker Barrel and had pecan pancakes, eggs and sausage for dinner. It felt good to relax with plate of carbs.

I still felt disturbed by the thought of just releasing my life to the unknown. To not having goals or ideas about how I want to spend my life. On my way home I called a friend who is on a similar path as me and I discussed my dilemma.

She helped me to see that living a purposeful life can be done while we are doing what is right in front of us. It doesn't require suffering and shouldn't. A joyful person attracts and gives comfort where ever they go.

We both agreed that we are sick of talking about the path and just want to live it. It is important to share how we got here but at some point actions speak louder than words. We have agreed to meet and come up with a plan.

This recent dip back into a spiritual path other than the steps has helped me to see just how the steps make things simple for those of us that think too much. This is why I stayed after that first meeting many years ago.

Attraction not promotion and no one is more important than another, except in their own mind. No one gets paid. The anonymous part quells the ego's ability to get too far. It isn't perfect but it works for the most part.

The meeting I attended last week was very welcoming. I only knew a few people in the room and I felt perfectly comfortable after being gone for awhile. The sharing was great and made me see we all have something worthwhile to say. Life can be hard and sometimes serious but we are all in it together. One day at a time.

Statue of Liberty - 1..2..3..1..2..3..

I went to one of my meetings last night and we talked about fear. A question was presented, what would you do next if you feared nothing? I contemplated on this after the meeting and again this morning and came up with at least one thing.

First if I didn't fear losing the life I am accustomed to I would pack my bags and take off to see my sister and her family. But instead I am staying here to cover the showroom while everyone else leaves town.

The discussion on fear made me realize how the steps have helped me handle my fears. First by removing the burden of feeling in charge of everything and then by teaching me to love myself. If I love myself I make healthy choices and not worry so much about being rejected. If we know our lives are in capable hands we can trust that things will work out with or without our help.

How do we get there? How do the steps identify or resolve our fears? First fear itself starts with one thought together with a little imagination. Imagining what it would feel like if that thought came true. I have a great imagination so this very act can paralyze me in an instant. It usually has to do with losing something I have or not getting something I want.

The easiest way to get a break from paralyzing fear is to remain in the present moment. Easier said than done since there is no one policing my mind but me. The first thing I learned about my mind in the program was it could not be trusted. The narrator was making things up just for the sake of drama. A silly trick I learned in the program was to think about the Statue of Liberty. Since you can only think of one thing at a time you got a break from the fear. Of course you can't spend the rest of your life thinking about the Statue of Liberty I guess you could try.

At some point you gotta move on with your life and try to get a grip on the situation which is your life. The steps give you the opportunity to sort out your life and how you ended up in such a mess and why what you have always done doesn't work anymore.

You don't necessarily have to be dealing with active alcoholism it could be anything or anyone you thought you could control and find out you can't, including yourself. The lack of control of really anything drives us all crazy. Things aren't going as planned and I refuse to accept it until I go off the deep end. Then I turn to the steps.

The first three steps help us to get a grip on our feelings. The first step by making sure we really want help. This is humbling for me to admit for the that I can't manage my own life. My ego can usually think of one more thing I can do to control the situation. Oh how much time I have wasted there.

The second step believing that something somewhere out there can help me. Looking outside myself for help. Relying on the fact that others have gone before me and seem to be in a better place so there must be something more powerful than me. At this point I have admitted I am lost and looking for help.

The third step I decide I really, really don't want to be in charge any more. I am spent. Nothing matters but getting some rest from managing my life. I am willing to put my life into the hands of a power greater than myself. When I get to this point I can rest for a moment and regroup before heading off to the fourth step to figure out just how I got here in the first place.

I am feeling better these days and I can look at where I am in my life with a little perspective. I don't feel so emotionally raw. I realized this week that I have come full circle in my spiritual search and that it is my opinion that working the steps is the easiest quickest way to relieve the pain I have caused myself.

The steps are simple and powerful and are always there when I need them. They don't compete with my other beliefs and offer an out if I find something I don't like. It isn't all or nothing and that is good because that is what got me here in the first place. My favorite Al-anon closing words, take what you like and leave the rest.

Gratitude or Wet Blanket

How do people do it? Go around dumping doom on everyone they come in contact with. You know the people you love that live for telling you just how bad things are and how little we can do about it.

I just got off the phone with a friend that I haven't talk to in awhile. I was considering asking him to go to dinner but in a few short seconds I knew I wasn't up for an hours worth of doom and gloom. If you asked him he would tell you he is a positive person. He always tells me how negative his mother is so maybe compared to her he is positive. Wow it must have sucked to live there as a kid.

It is hard not to jump on the band wagon (where did that saying come from?) We are in the same business and I am looking for encouragement not certain death. I have thought of mentioning this to him but it would devastate him. As we were talking I pulled up the thought for today and it said. Don't help people unless they ask for it. It is part of their path to learn the lessons for themselves. If they haven't they are not ready. I get that. It says if your not sure if they want your help ask.

I avoid him for the most part and this makes me sad. I can't hear the negative in my present state. I know I have had some pretty hard lessons that I could only learn the hard way. Actually a lot of them are going on right now.

Lost in my own head oblivious to what is good in my life. Trapped in uncertainty unwilling to turn my fears over to a power greater than myself. When we see the faults in others we get a reflection of just who we are in the mirror.

This has inspired me to step out in faith and live in gratitude of what is right about my own life. In this moment I have everything I need.

Steam Rollers and Pancakes

I have tried to comment on a couple of post this morning but it seem the system is rejecting my words so I guess I will take a few moments to write a post.

My air conditioning is broken. It is 90+ degrees and 80% humidity here and it is hard to keep hydrated or sleep at night. I am from the deep south and my heat tolerance is pretty high but it doesn't make me want to go home and do chores. I lay on the bed as still as possible with the fan blowing on me. Just like we did as kids before everyone had air conditioning.

I think this is why people think southerners a lazy. It is really energy conservation it is in our genes we move slow and talk slow. We think before we speak so we don't waste energy on needless words. (writing doesn't count)

Last year when I attended a funeral in Georgia, where my daddy's family live, his brothers and sister sat in a circle on the carport telling tall family tales. Between each story there would be a long pause for what seemed like and eternity and then another story. This can be unnerving for people that hate silence. But for me it felt like home no pressure to fill the void. The introverted clan gathered together enjoying the peace and quiet.

Back in the real world if you don't rush to speak people sometimes feel the need to speak for you. Why are we so uncomfortable with silence? I see this in meetings where if there is a pause, some people seem to need to jump in even if they already shared. I tend to think the pause gives someone afraid to speak time to built up courage to say something.

Don't get me wrong I like to talk and sometimes the only time I am not talking is when I am alone. But I like to listen too. I like to take it all in and mull it around in my head and then think about it some more and then comment.

Unfortunately the people I am drawn to are usually the ones that don't understand the mulling over part. They want quick responses and in heat of battle will roll over me like a tank. In the past I would lay there flatten like a pancake hoping I was invisible until they went on to something else. Sometimes I would make an attempt to explain myself on the spot, that never works. This only gave them the opportunity to roll over me again.

I spent a lot of time scared to face the bully's I loved and felt shutting down was my only option. What I have learned is that just because someone says something with authority doesn't mean they are right. It was my own self doubt that fueled my fear and gave them the edge. If you live with someone like this over time they can beat you down and in the isolated co-dependant relationship they are your whole world and you have no where to go.

This is how the disease of alcoholism worked in my life. Because of my own insecurities and my desperate need to be loved I was willing to hand over all my power and self-worth to someone else. Pretty soon I totally disappeared and just became a shadow. I was a zombie in my own life.

I took my zombie self to my first meeting. The words they said slowly started to seep in I was a separate person not the shadow of the one I loved. I was a fully formed individual that had the same rights and needs as anyone else. I was God's creation and worthy of the same things as anyone else.

Just words then but slowly as the steps stripped away the layers of self hate I started to forgive myself for letting me down. I started to see how I got to where I was and it wasn't any one's fault not even my own, because I had done my best.

Waking up to the truth was shocking at first and I resisted. I couldn't believe that I had the power to change my thoughts and my situation. I wasn't trapped and every day I could choose again. I could make small healthier choices for myself and re-create myself over and over again.

These days I get stuck because I know that I know better and have no one to blame but myself for where I am. I just have to sit in it until I am ready to make a change. I want someone to blame I want someone to rescue me from myself but there is no one. There has never really been anyone to do that because you gotta do it yourself. Other people can comfort along the way or distract when you are avoiding the truth but those aren't solutions. In the end it is just you and your maker.

Just for today I can deal with that and I can lovingly accept where I am in my life and be happy that I have made this far.

Abundance - Habits that need breaking

I have made it through the darkness once again and this time it feels more permanent. I feel a little guilty putting out the sad post but blogging is about honesty and sharing what is real in my life.

Lately I get trapped and overwhelmed when nothing seems to be working in my life. This not normal for me since I have been in the program I have seen life from a half full perspective. This did not happen over night but with time I could see how I was my own thinking was putting a cloud over my life. I had to think of the worst case scenario to prepare myself for disappointment.

How did this help? It gave me a chance to be miserable ahead of time and when things did work out I told myself it was just a fluke. I couldn't even be happy about my successes. It was a way I developed as a child to cope with the chaos and to build a wall against the unknown. I could think of every way this could go wrong and it usually did just to reinforce the habit.

With the hormonal imbalance I couldn't seem to rally the troops and get to a place of acceptance and then action. Some days the glass was just empty.

Things are moving now and maybe it is because my heart is opening. I had an appointment yesterday with a customer that needs general hourly design work. Paint selection and various other consulting. They paid me for my time and then gave some fresh organic vegetables and a jar of homemade pickles. A bonus.

My appointment was at the beach when I left I met a friend for dinner and then we attended a spiritual circle celebrating new beginnings. Singing and meditation. It is good to join others on a spiritual path.

So I am feeling abundance and love today. Encouraged by the change in my spirit this week.