Losing Control - Finding Freedom

Work is in full swing for me my old place of business was liquidated at auction.  Probably not the most cost effective way to take care of things but I am not there to do that.  I have moved on.  I didn't even feel the need to make a phone call or even to do a drive by to look at the damage. It is over for me now.

I am free.  I didn't realize what an emotional drain it was putting on me waiting for the next shoe to drop.

In the past I would want to blame somebody for the way things turned out but today I can accept that everything has an ending. Whether it is a job or a relationship everything must change and I have to learn to go with it and not try to stop life from happening.

Saturday at the end of the day someone got fired after being there for many years. Who gets fired on Saturday? We helped her put her things in her car she looked completely shocked. I have been there many times.

We are so afraid when we don't know what is ahead for us.  We ask ourselves "will I ever be happy again?" "will I ever feel safe again?'  When something in life surprises us it shakes us from the dream.  The dream that we have made up for ourselves that nothing will ever change. It feels so bad we never want to be there again.

For me I thought these things happened because I wasn't smart enough to see it coming. I knew if I would have to work harder and be better prepared the next time.  In my relationships this meant I kept people at arms length.  At work I tried to be perfect I would anticipate the needs of my customers before they even knew it themselves. This is exhausting.

To the people that I have loved and that have loved me back....

If I can keep you happy you will love
me.  If you are unhappy you might hurt me or at least not love me. If you aren't happy with me it must be something I have done.

I have suffered a lot mostly at my own hands because I thought I caused you to hurt me or reject me. I spent so many years trying to discover what was wrong with me and why you left me. Taking my own inventory over and over only to discover decades later that I don't have any control over how you feel about me.

The truth finally discovered  I have been absent for most of my own life. When I was worried about you and your happiness I was preoccupied and missed my own life and my own happiness. Your happiness always came first. I knew when you were happy I was doing things right and when you weren't I was doing things wrong.  I needed to know you needed me.

I see it clearly now and I have to let you go. I have let you be over there feeling what ever you have to feel. I have to be okay over here feeling helpless watching you even if that means you walk away.  I will be kind if I can.  I will be respectful of your feelings but they are not mine. I will love you even if it is from afar.  I will miss you if you leave but you won't take a part of me with you this time. I am here and you are over there and that is how it has to be.

 It it not my fault and it is not yours. It is just how it has to be me over here and you over there.

Moving On - Last Man Standing

I have had to push myself through some final issues with my previous business this week.  My former business partner and I could not come to an agreement on transferring the business to her and we have opted to close.  A third party vendor is liquidating the business this weekend.

I had some pretty strong feelings about it when one of my friends drove by the shop and saw the auction sign. I was notified this week giving me less than 3 days to respond.  I felt sad at first and then I felt like I should do something but inside my spirit said "let it go".

So after Saturday there will be nothing left.  The legacy of the former owner basically abandoned by the both of us.  We didn't choose to be partners and things worked as long as I didn't expect it to be a partnership.

I have grown up this past year so much I can't even tell you.  I can see how my need to please made me a doormat over and over.  I was always the last man standing.  I wanted to be known as the rock the dependable one the last one bailing water on a sinking ship. In the end the hero or martyr depending on the outcome.

I have been wrong all my life.  I thought being the last man standing was the right thing to do even if it was a lost cause. In the end I was shocked to be there alone a victim one more time.  When I would tell my story people would feel bad for me and sympathize with me. This made me come back for more.

In the program I learned to stop acting like a victim but I never learned how to stop being a victim.  I learned to stop whining and complaining about the latest bully in my life. But my cycle continued I just called it something else.   I was self proclaimed hard working un-appreciated person and that had a beacon on my head for users.

I had to see that my thinking that sacrifice was a virtue was wrong. I had to look out for myself first.  What a concept to accept that healthy people put themselves first.  It isn't selfish it is actually what is best for everyone. You can still help people out when they need it but you don't have to do it all or at the expense of your own happiness.

I have rarely felt appreciated for the sacrifices I made over the years to keep things going.  I wanted someone to acknowledge me and see that I was the glue that held things together. I can see that this need for validation set me up for the same situation over and over again.

I have learned that I have to search my heart ever time I start to volunteer for something. Am I doing it for the right reasons? Can I do it without resentment? Can I do it without expecting brownie points? Do I tell myself  "a nice person would do this."

I finally understand my need to please kept me coming back for more.  With this situation I let everyone involved share the responsibility.  I am not too popular but I can live with that.  

I am loving my new job and my life is filling up quickly.  I am very grateful.

Hopes and Dreams - Letting Go

So I have been thinking a lot about my life yesterday and today.  I am off work without a list of things that have to be done. I could make a list if a really wanted to but nothing that is life or death. 

I have to admit though I am still not one hundred percent comfortable with being verses doing.  I do prefer it to having a to do list constantly weighing on my mind.  

I am feeling satisfied with where I am in my life today.  It is one hundred percent better than this time last year when I still had the cloud depression floating over my head. I was already coming out of it but not feeling too steady. 

A lot of things have changed mostly for the better.  I have had to accept more loss this year including some long time friendships that I assumed would be a permanent part of my life.  I did give up my business but the time was right even though it has taken me four months to feel comfortable with the new job.

Just like the title of this blog - Letting Go it is just a part of life everything is constantly changing and if you can accept this you will be happier.  I have learned that the harder I hold on to things staying exactly the way they are the faster they slip through my fingers.  

My life feels more loose these days I try not to get to far ahead of myself.  I don't have a picture set in stone of what I will do tomorrow or even sometimes later today.  That wasn't always the case and this is what hurt me especially at this time of the year.  I imagined the perfect holiday and set out to force the people in my life to play their part.  It was all about me and I needed them to satisfy my fantasy.

Since nothing in my life has turned out at all like I expected I had to let go. Not without a fight ending with a spiral down into a depression that l almost didn't survive.  I had to let everything I believed to be true about myself and my life go. 

I had to let all my expectations go. This felt like total defeat. I thought that it meant I couldn't have hopes or dreams anymore.  That felt pretty sad how does one live without hopes and dreams?

I have found that hopes and dreams are aloud it is the plans that you have to give up.  The trick is you can't decide how those hopes and dreams will arrive you just have to trust that they will. No conditions to happiness.

I thought I could only be happy making a success out of my own company but it turns out I am happier being a part of something bigger.  I have made new friends and feel free to focus on my customers and leave the boring details to someone else. Who knew.

I have a lot a gratitude this year something I haven't had in a long time.  I am grateful to be here and to start dreaming again.

Filling in the blanks - Lesson learned

I slept in this morning really late mostly because I couldn't sleep last night I finally dosed off around 3 AM.  I never really know what causes that but over the years I have decided not to fight it even if I have to get up early the next day.  Luckily today is a day of rest for me so sleeping in is aloud.

I was sitting on my porch with my big cup of hot tea with milk looking at the jungle that is my back yard.  A wave of gratefulness washed me and for the first time in a long time I feel  really happy to just be where I am.

Everything is coming together for me not in a big way but in a lot of little ways producing a big effect. I am beginning to feel safe again.  I am beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin doing what I do best being me.

Picture for bussel sprouts post

I doubted for a long time that I would ever feel the comfort I use to feel.  In the past I only really felt those feelings within the boundaries of a committed relationship.  It was easier to know who I was suppose to be and what I was suppose to be doing.  A relationship always filled in the blanks in my life and I could use it as and excuse if I didn't get to do what I wanted to do.

It wasn't about financial security to me, even though that was really nice, it was about what I thought was emotionally security.  Looking back I can see that used the relationships more like a sedative to quell the unrest I had deep in my heart the unrest caused by the idea that I wasn't good enough.

I spent many years proving I was worthy of love.  Doing awesome things to show just how valuable I was to everyone.  This includes my work life as well as my personal life.  When I was fired after eleven years on the job I lost 240 sick days because a dedicated employee would never put themselves first. I have to laugh now.

I realize now that this has been my life lesson.  It has been repeated over and over in my life since the moment I decided if I played by the rules and was as perfect as I could be people would see how valuable I was and keep me around. They would appreciate me and love me.  I would feel safe.

I know now that the safety I was looking for was inside of me the whole time.  I don't have to prove my worth to anyone but me and the critic in my head.  On my best days I can see just being ordinary is good enough. I don't have achieve superstar status in the eyes of others or in my own eyes to know I will be loved.

I am lovable just the way I am warts and all and I no longer need someone else to confirm that for me. I am happy to end this life lesson of sacrifice and rejection. I don't have to prove anything to anyone but me and that of course is a full time job.

Now that I know that, I think I am actually ready for a new relationship where I am not looking for someone to fill in the blanks for me.  I can do that myself now.

Brussel Sprouts

I wrote a really long post yesterday but for some reason I opted not to post it.  I have spent the past two days in a row off which feels pretty strange these days.

Yesterday I went to our local open market and bought some vegetables.  It is one of those markets where everything is packaged to look like it was pick out of someones back yard. Our needs these days to capture some long lost connection to the good old days while we take pictures of the vegetable and post them on the Internet.

I looked at some lettuce that actually looked fluffed and picture perfect and cost $6.00.  I don't have the budget for fluffed lettuce so I purchased some beets, cauliflower and brussel sprouts.

My mother would be so happy with the cruciferous  vegetables. They are called cruciferous because they have little crosses at the cut part of the stem.  I like strong vegetables mostly because we had to eat whatever was put on the table except the meat. We could leave the table if we ate all our vegetables so we learned to like all vegetables. My parents were ahead of their time.

I don't remember ever seeing a fresh beets or even a canned ones for that matter. We ate a lot of cabbage in our house and I can remember my mother giving me the core to munch on until dinner was ready.  I could never understand peoples hatred for brussel sprouts. I thought they are just baby cabbage but then I had them boiled and it was clear why.

I never met a vegetable I didn't like so I had to come up with a better method for cooking them.

First I think all fresh vegetables are better with a little color on them so I cut them in half, tossed them with olive oil and put them cut side down in a hot cast iron skillet or griddle. Just leave them there until they get brown.  It works like a charm and if not just toss them in butter at the end.

While I was cooking and cleaning today was thinking about my past holidays the ones that were really memorable.  I have to go way back for those perfect memories from my childhood the ones that I have played over and over in mind until every detail was perfect. The truth is those memories are a child's memory. The truth is my mother was already sick and we were just surviving.

Our past are as good or as bad as we choose to remember them. It is our picture to paint and we can choose to see what was good or choose to see what was bad. It is only a memory.

Facing life and finding peace

I guess it is obvious that I have been busy.  There is a lot stress starting your life over and some days I feel I am just not up to it.

 My mind feels old and brittle and I wonder what was I thinking signing up for this. Other days I actually feel like I am exactly where I am suppose to be. Most days I just try not to think at all.

I made it through another Thanksgiving for that I am grateful.  It is part of my story being dumped twice at Thanksgiving I tell myself I shouldn't let it bother me anymore but it does.  This year I just accepted the emotions that flowed over me and they passed quickly. I cooked my first turkey in 6 years.

I am grateful that I am not depressed anymore and that my life is moving forward once again.  I am grateful that today I have everything I need.

My life isn't just about work I am spending my free time drawing with pastels and getting better with each drawing. I also joined an out door painting group and made some new friends. We meet on the weekends and paint outside. The weather has been so nice here evidently we are the only area of the country with sunshine.

It has been good to take a break from writing and focus my creative spirit on drawing. These days I have less words in my head and feel at peace just working hard and finding joy in making art.

Getting my life back into balance - A little time off

What a ride this has been for me.  I think the last post I thought I was closing my business and getting on with my life.  I am getting on with my life but the deal with my partner fell through and now we are in limbo.

I have been too busy working an average of ten hours a day to worry about it.  Working in a new place was frightening to begin with, being new, it seemed like sometimes I would never catch on.

My mind told me I was too old to start over working for someone else.  I thought a few times "oh my god I have made a real mistake".

I have to admit it was touch and go there for a while but now I am getting into my own rhythm. People are the same everywhere and customers are the same everywhere.  My desk is piled high with files and I am loving it.

It is a good company, even though there is a lot of drama, I am trying to lay low and work my own program.

I had only one day off a week since I started ( my choice).  This weekend I switched with someone and ended up with three days in a row off.  I feel a little guilty but I am starting to feel burnout just beneath the surface. I been running on adrenalin for three months and it time to bring my life back into balance.

My roommate is working out great.  She is going to a lot of meetings and she seems happier these days.  Her life has been turned upside down and it is a major adjustment.  I know all about that. I am hoping my experience strength and hope will make her journey a little easier. Life just happens sometimes.

I have been keeping up with my art and have discovered pastels. This is my meditation in life and it is a priority for me now.  Even with all the hours at work I am drawing 3-4 times a week.

It is good to get back here and do a little writing.  I have finally set my computer up at home so hopefully I will have a chance to write more often.