Angry People - Seeing our true selves - Impossible

I had my house re plumbed on short notice this past week.  It was one of those decision where I could wait for some point in the future when the slab started leaking or do it now while the house is a mess already. I decided to just do it while the plumber had an opening.

It has been a week of chaos with all the trades in and out of the house.  It is noisy and dirty but everyone did a great job.  The first day with the plumbers the guy was yelling up to the other guy in the attic in this really angry voice. He sounded so annoyed and really treated the other guy like he was and idiot.  The guy in the 100+ degree attic was very pleasant and would answer back as if no that was the norm.  They have worked together a long time and this was normal.

On Saturday our electrician was here and he ask me who the plumbing company sent.  I could remember their names an angry guy and a tall thin guy.  He said "oh the angry guy is ____ and the other guy is _________."

I have always been a people observer and wondered why others act the way they do.  One time, when I was a kid, after a particular holy rolling pentecostal service I ask my mother why one of the women in the church was faking pretending to be touched by the spirit. She looked at my father and they waited a few minutes and then said "only God knows if she is pretending."  I thought "it is pretty obvious so I guess just God and me."  This began a lifetime of me saying the wrong things to other people.

After my stepmother came on the scene I did learn to say nothing most of the time.  When I married the alcoholic keeping quiet seemed safer most of the time.  I did once confront my ex's sister a particularly angry person and ask her "why are you so angry?" She was like the plumber - no matter what the words were coming out of her mouth there was anger underneath.

She had a lovely angry come back for me which I don't remember now.  I knew it was about her own father I totally understood that I had been there myself.  I just said "it doesn't hurt the person that you are angry at just you and your own family.  He is winning."  Her kids were small then and over time she softened and with every visit she seemed happier. I would like to think I got through a little bit.  My ex was furious with me and said it was none of my business but I wanted to save her from the years of unhappiness that I had experienced.

I internalize my own anger and it surfaces as sadness and depression. Mostly because I am a controller and feel that I should have done something differently so the outcome in really my fault.  Instead of just saying the other person hurt me and let the anger out.  I try to justify the reasons for their actions and be understanding about where they are coming from.  This is really putting myself last again.  I feel trapped in this cycle sometimes because it makes me powerless to get past the pain.

I have endured a lot of crappy behavior from other people in my life.  I have mostly believed that somehow I deserved it that something about me isn't worthy of love and respect.  When I am low this is what I think about. In the end I know that I have to be loving to myself and not tie my worth to my past experiences.  Thinking "I am not enough" or "I wasn't enough for ________" keeps me from feeling joy about today.

I do believe that this deeply embedded insecurity has to do with the loss of my mother.  It imprinted on me that I have to be self sufficient and not trust another person to be there for me.  It is from when my mother got sick and I had to fend for myself. I am comfortable on my own and when I have trusted other people they have ultimately rejected me.

Most of time I can accept where I am and do find happiness every day but when I am down and feel lonely these are the thoughts that cause my unhappiness.  I tell myself I can change these beliefs that  I have about myself but some days it is just where I am.

As far as angry people I doubt they know that other people see them as angry.  We never know how other people perseive us.  We have the story we tell ourselves about ourselves and unless someone says something to us to make us question our thoughts then it is a lifetime of suffering.  I have been a hurt child on my own most of my life with only myself for feedback.  Isn't that crazy.

Making plans - Spinning Plates

I should have never had the idea of taking it easy in the month of July.  The universe shouted right back at me with more work than I could have imagined along with my renovation this has left me little time for anything but sleep. 

I am not complaining I just think is is comical when you plan one thing and something totally different happens.  This is where we get really messed up believing that we really have any control of our lives.  To have a plan is definitely the way to feel safe setting out on our path with a specific goal or destination and expecting things will go our way.  How we react when obstacles start popping up one by one testing our every movement forward is what really matters.

The pain is in the resistance of course not in the actual problems that arise.  For me my pain is not being able to meet what I think are the expectations of others. Especially in my work you have to decide who is serious and who is just poking around the idea of doing something. 

I feel mostly like I am gambling with my time and in the end my money. Who should I invest in and who has been watching too much HGTV.  Business comes in clumps not a steady even stream where I have the time to address first come first serve. You have to make those choices and I hate that part but I only have 24 hours in each day.

It stresses me out when I have to choose what I can fit into the time I have available in a given day. Sometimes working on what I sense is a dead end instead of bigger more long term projects. Why would I do that?  Because I am getting pressure and in order to move on I have to relieve that pressure.

I have gotten use to working like this over the years and once I have all my plates spinning I can really get a lot done. This why time away isn't good for me when I return  I am resistant to people hurtling plates at me and I have resentments.  Eventually I get back up to full speed and it all seems normal again.

What works for me is first not really making plans.  I have specific loose goals for the day and I do my best to meet them.  I tell myself that I have always worked this way and for the most part I can trust my instinct and I will get it all done.  If I don't then it wasn't meant to be and I move on.

I have ask other people in my business how they deal with it and they say there is no way to meet every one's needs all the time.  I am lucky that I enjoy what I do and I don't have a lot of personal commitments so I can put in the hours.

 It is good to put into words that it is okay to feel overwhelmed from time to time and that it all works out if you just don't make plans. 

"Who cares!" - Dreams

I have been having some strange dreams lately.  This morning I woke up after an old friend and I were out driving around in our pajamas's or at least I was in my pajamas when we spotted an deli with what looked liked some yummy treats.  It was just a store front with everyone just standing around sampling things through a window.

I remember asking my friend "do you think they will notice I am in my pajamas?"  She replied, "who cares!"  When got out of the car one of the guys started treating us like real customers offering up incense sticks as a gift. His partner gave us the once over and shock his head at the other guy and he withdrew his offer. They did not speak English and I figured we were in another country.

I don't give much credence to dreams.  I think they are usually a mixture of bad TV and a late dinner.  If I had to interpret this one I would say that I miss my friend. She was a bit of a bully and ran off during my dive into blackness. It is of course more complicated than that.  She was emotionally shut down except for anger and couldn't really relate to the profound grief I was going through losing my relationship and the life I once had.

She told me that she complained to her husband about my extended grief and he said  " sure you would be over me in about five minutes."  I wondered if that was true.  They have split since then and I imagine that it wasn't that easy.  She had what appeared to be the good life but he traveled and she was lonely. When he did come home he spent his free time at the local bars.  He was really into music.

She wanted a man that was into the spiritual not the spirits.  She complained to me for years about him and I suggested she go to my counselor.  She did go and then they went and then he announced he wanted out. This was about the same time as out friendship ended.  I always wondered if she blamed me for the push for counseling.  I had heard here pain for many years and wanted her to find some relief so I don't accept the blame. 

I saw my counselor a year ago and she said my friend was doing well and was very happy.  I thought that it was good that she had moved on and found some happiness.  I have thought of calling her but I have a hard time going back where I have already been at least willingly.

I know sometimes if I am honest I find myself repeating the past.  Even if it is different places and faces the underlying theme is the same.  I gravitate towards the familiar what and who feels really comfortable. I have known different versions of my father throughout my life along with a few others.  I figure that is the relationships I am still working on.

In my family dreams are messages from God and are to be taken seriously. In my dream I guess I could say first come as you are and partake of every morsel offered. Don't mind the judgment of some people it only affects you if you let it.  You might miss out on some freebies offered to everyone else but "who cares!"