Making Plans - Proof of heaven

I feel a bit under whelmed at the moment.  A lull in the action which is fine with me.  I have been gathering my spirit to see what is next in hopes that I can steer things in a direction that is fun.  Some where past the demanding customers and the remnants of my personal remodel.

I feel good today last night I watched a lecture on YouTube by the guy who wrote "Proof of Heaven" A neurologist that was in a coma for 7 days with no brain function according to the test.  He had a specific experience that he says proved the mind and brain are separate.  The spirit does operate without the brain.

He said where he went it was the music that was the healing force.  He has a business called "Sacred Acoustic".  I checked it out and it is like the delta wave meditation videos.  Those space like sound waves kind of freak me out.  The nights I have fallen asleep with them I have woke up suddenly and turned it off.  I guess I am not ready for deep sound meditation.

I liked his story it gave me hope that there is something more than here.  I also think this kind of thinking is also a trap.  You spend your time focusing on what will be instead making the most of today this minute,  Like the hymn "when we all get to heaven what a day of rejoicing that will be".

I want to learn to be happy today and not wish my life away for an end experience.  Maybe the afterlife experiences calms those that fear death.  Death doesn't scare me it is life that keeps me up at night.  After my break I realized that making plans is purely for its entertainment value that counting on a script you produced in your own head will not end well.

Life is made up of a series of things to do each day and who you do those things with.  A great deal of time is spent attending to boring chores or making money to purchase a nicer place to perform those boring chores.  Okay that sounds a little sad.

In my business I create beautiful spaces that does enhance those living there.  It is functional and where people that mostly love each other hang out and I hope make a meal together.  It is worth it to invest in your space because a sad space will make you enjoy those chores even less.

I hope this post isn't too heavy it isn't meant to be I am just sorting things out over here.  I plan on working on my house this weekend putting things in order and making plans.  Ha ha. 

Inner Conficts - Finding my own way

I always seem to have some kind of inner conflict that my mind relishes spending hours and hours trying to resolve.  In the early years the conflicts were based on small things and solving superficial problems I was facing every day but now that I have reached a point where I know 99% of the things we worry about are superficial and in a few weeks or even days they will be forgotten my mind like to work on the heavy issues.

On Sundays I like to watch church TV mostly either Joel or the church my sister is currently attending.  It is a satellite church where they watch the preacher on screen.  He seems pretty arrogant to me very charismatic and has a wide appeal.  Today he said "the liberals are against us and are the enemy of Christians every where"  that might not be exactly the words but the idea in general. 

This made me mad.  I thought you just lump everyone together and put a label on them so we have someone to be against.  We are right and they are wrong.  This is what drove me from the church of my childhood.  This and the double standard that is if we do something wrong we just ask for forgiveness and all is well if you do something wrong then you are a sinner and God will make sure you get what is coming to you.

I consider myself liberal and have a few liberal friends that are kind of extreme and would say the same thing about evangelicals being the enemy.  Again lumping everyone together is never a good idea.

I don't like organized religion for the most part.  It mostly seems focused on money and giving in order to have God bless you. It is big business these days and even though the message does help inspire people it seems so much excess.  The mention of giving at every opportunity weaving it into every sermon in some way. 

The bottom line for me is that my christian family abandoned me in the name of Jesus. After my mother died my life wasn't valuable to my own dad or my stepmother.  They were happy to spend their lives without me with no attempt to reconcile or even reach out to me. There is an evangelist in my own family and this morning he mentioned my dad and how much he counseled him.  He of coarse has no idea the pain or conflict I have endured just trying to reconcile how I was treated by the Christians in my life and the God that is suppose to love me. 

I will continue to feel conflicted until my mind finds acceptance.  People are flawed and self centered and even though they call themselves Christians it doesn't mean they always act that way. I can trust that just like me they will have to find their own way.  For me my own Christan upbringing gave me the foundation that helped me to make though the hard times and for this I am thankful.

Friends - Change - Renovation

I have written a few post over the past few weeks but lost interest before I posted them. I am coming to the end of my renovation and this weekend I will be putting the house back together. The kitchen is beautiful.  I still don't have gas because the gas man tripped over his dog and broke his foot. He gave me the name of another company where his sister in law works and they are going to squeeze me in on Monday.

I took a spontaneous trip over the long weekend to visit my childhood best friend.  We have a long history including her mom letting me live in their garage when I left home.  There was no room in the inn at that point. We were five adults, one kid, two large dogs and three cats living under one roof.

It was complicated with 5 vehicles parked in the drive way.  I slept in the garage with the cats and the car it was heaven to me.  I was free from the emotional roller coaster of living with my dad and my step mother who thought I existed as free labor.  Leaving after my dad threatened to have me fired if I didn't quit my job and babysit full time so my step mother could go back to work.

My friends mom was at one time my own mother's best friend.  Both of our families were Pentecostal but we didn't attend the same church.  We lived on the same street but my friends mom was a person that focused on the bad things that were happening in the world.  Instilling in my friend a lot of fear.

Her husband left her around the same time my mother died.  He ran off with his secretary and my friend's mom never married again.  She didn't let her fears keep her from living and some of her happiest times she spent playing piano at a inner city church for the homeless.

What I loved about her is that she always had a plan.  When we were kids every Friday night the family drove to the park and had a picnic dinner.  Anyone that wanted to come was welcome and this ritual continued even while I was living there.  She was a godly woman who never remarried because she felt it was sin in gods eyes to divorce.  She never tried to control her kids and I think my friend was the only one of her kids affected by her fearful side.

I always felt welcome there we all took care of ourselves and I bought my own food.  I never wanted to be burden since she so generously let me stay there that summer. I was happy to be able to just live my life without being some one's Cinderella cleaning and babysitting.

My friend and I haven't been close for most of our adult lives.  We are very different people she lived at home until she married in her 30's. She quit work to home school and raise her kids. They moved out to a rural area to get away from crime.  So far out I thought something was wrong with my GPS.

I don't have any judgments about that everyone has to find there own happiness.  When her kids were young and she had to be right about everything she tried to preach to me about my life.  I had just met my ex and we were living in sin.  Time has passed and we both know more and are less right about things. When her mother passed away I went and stayed with her. It seemed the same as always polar opposites just hanging out. We have history.

Our mothers were opposites too and so it seems appropriate that we are the same.  Her kids are leaving the nest now and both her parents and the other woman have passed she is feeling a little lost without so many responsibilities.  I think it is interesting that we are both the same people we were on the inside that we were when we were kids. We still fit the same way which is nice.

It feels like to me that we start out one way in life and we decide that we are going to be different or life circumstances change us.  Then as we mature and relax we come back to the person we were when we were kids.  We know none of our rigid thinking really matters and we live and let live.

I think my renovation represents what is going on inside of me mainly a fresh start mixed in with who I am at the core.  My kitchen is simple and calm with a big splash of color.  It isn't what I would do for a customer but it fits me and I love it.