Love Letters - Being Hit - The Promises

Saying goodbye to the past is a life long endeavor or at least it has been for me. I am cleaning up my office soon to be creative space and found a framed copy of  "The Promises" It is the Al anon version.
Number two says "We will not regret the past nor shut the door on it."

While cleaning I also found my copy of "The Power of Now".  This is one of my all time favorite books. It showed me how much time I was spending getting lost in trying to solve my past.  I just wanted to understand my part in what happened to me.  I have lived most of my life staying busy all the time thinking these millions of thoughts about what I could have done differently to change what happen.

I always believed that because I was left there was something wrong with me to the core.  Even recently I have accepted that I am the way I am and if this isn't lovable then so be it.

I have been loved by many people mostly people that have been deeply hurt themselves. I think I represent a safe place to land.  Isn't that what we are all looking for?  Once they feel better and gain some confidence they move on.  I think this means my part in their lives are over and it is time we both move on.

I was watching "The Jane Austin Book Club" last night and they were talking about the writing love letters and how the written word can have a profound impact.  I thought nobody does that today. What a fantasy well today I found about 20 pages of love letters from my high school boyfriend.  I had forgotten about the letters. We went to different schools and worked together at a fast food restaurant at night. He wrote these letters everyday and brought them to me at work.

It was by far the most romantic relationship I have ever had. He actually wrote in one that he knew only girls wrote letters like this but as long as I didn't tell anyone about them it was okay. His dad didn't want us together he knew we were too serious and he wanted him to go to his college and join his fraternity sow those wild oats.  My dad didn't like it because they were Episcopal a far cry from pentecostal.

He ended up breaking up with me because my parents wouldn't let me stay out past 11 on prom night. I begged my dad to change the rules for this one occasion but her wouldn't.  This had his dad written all over it.  I was completely devastated and we still had to work together. Ironically I had moved out by the time prom came around and I stayed out all night whenever I wanted.

Jim went on to marry that same girl.  So dad's plans didn't work.  She went to my same elementary school and I have a picture of  the whole six grade class with her in it.  That is also ironic. Any way I covered my pain well and the first time we worked together I made sure he knew I had a date for that night.  He actually got so mad he hit me.  Not hard but this gave me a good indication of what the future my hold. I laughed out loud when it happened I wanted to make sure he thought it didn't bother me.

I believe life is just life now.  People come and go based on their own needs. We really don't have any control over what other people are doing. I think if your heart it right and you have spiritual guidance then it can work out.  I do think you must always see your part in every situation but sometimes you just have to let go and accept that control of anything and anybody is an illusion and move on.

Not regretting the past can sometimes seem impossible.  I can make the past my own fantasy version reading love letters and thinking things might have turned out better than they would have. Then I have to  remember that he hit me.  The only person ever in my life, besides childhood spankings, that ever hit me.

From time to time I still have regrets about the past and feel each time I should have known better. I always took people at face value living every day in the moment until the bad things snuck up on me. I still think that is better than constantly preparing for disaster and not trusting anyone. Neither one keeps you getting hurt.

ADD - Mother - Blood in the water

Because  I have been ADD all my life I forever had an endless list in my head of things I wanted to do. I hardly ever get tired and don't spend much time basking in my successes.  I move on to the next thing pretty quickly.

When I was a manager my team had serious deadlines to meet at the end of each month it was stressful but invigorating and when we met the goal we all clapped and danced around for about two seconds.  I would then start thinking about next month or the next minute.

I didn't get it that everyone wanted to take a moment a celebrate and they felt I did not appreciate their efforts but I did.  It just isn't in me to linger very long doing anything.  This has made me a success professionally but personally the only people I attract is the ones that are happy to just sit back and let me take care of everything physically and emotionally.  I  was mostly too busy to notice but when I started feel used or invisible I withdrew.

Every relationship felt one sided I ask you how you are doing and what is going on in your life and you ask me nothing. This has taught me to be self sufficent emotionally.  Instead of giving into the kid inside of me that drug my mother to my room to show her how clean it looked hoping to get some positive response.  She did make nice remarks but there was always one thing not quite right. I got the idea that I was not enough.  I would need to focus harder next time to please her.

I do that now I focus on what I didn't do right instead of all the good things I have done.  This made  me a perfect match for my addicted partners.  In my experience it was this doubt I had about myself that let them control me.  I say they can smell blood in the water and because my relationships were so intimate and isolated they had the upper hand. It was my own insecurities that made me give away my power.

I don't pick supportive people maybe because it feels so foreign to me. I am use to feeling on my own but it isn't healthy.  When I went to see my childhood friend and she was so kind and generous with me it really felt wonderful.  When I got back it was my birthday and my friends here didn't even mention it.  Is this the kind of friends I want?

It really hurt. I am withdrawing and preparing for something new. Mentally I feel good I have given up carbs and my mind is very clear.  As far as the mother story I am sure she was trying to help me strive for excellence.  Ironically my step mother was 10 times the cleaning perfectionist when someone else was doing it.  re-enforcing the idea that I am not good enough.

I have spent the last 20 years figuring out how I got here emotionally.  I now want to spend the next twenty enjoying being here and appreciating my contributions to this world.  I have done my best and it has to be good enough for me and that is all.

The battle of the mind - Attracted to the addicted

I was looking for a small notebook to put by my bed for note taking.  What I found one with some writing I did a long time ago when I was actually on the beach.  I was writing about being stuck.  A theme I feel that has always been a part of my life but there was some excitement in it about The Course in Miracles.  I have moved on from that realizing that it was just another way of me not accepting what is and hoping these words dictated by (?) to a PHD and written down to share with the general public would be the truth and answers I was looking for.

I loved the words they formed sentences that were so complicated - almost like a PHD wrote them - that my mind would leap for joy just trying to wrap my head around them.  My mind is always looking for a puzzle to solve a place that needs fixing or just a bit of straightening up.  That is why I fell for the addicted over and over so much work to be done.  I knew I could help I had the power to make things better and they really liked my help for awhile. Until whatever they were addicted to got jealous and wanted me out of the picture.

I was hurt over and over again volunteering to give over my life to a cause and then being surprised that it wasn't appreciated in the least.  Now I know my mind just really likes complicated things.  It gets bored and starts looking around for entertainment.  I use to just do whatever anyone wanted me to do just to stay busy and keep my mind distracted.

I would find myself doing things that I really had no interest whatsoever in doing. I blamed others for sucking me in I guess I thought I couldn't say no. Now I just do what I want and sometimes there isn't anything I really want to do and I have to accept that this is where I am.  It is at times like these that my mind causes me a lot misery looking here an there to point out things that need to be done.  I hear those words "what is wrong with you? Look at all that needs to be done and you are doing nothing."

I can and have done a lot in my life.  Getting things done can give you a moment of happiness but then what is next?  Luckily my job keeps me plenty busy and keeps my mind off my back. It is only when I am home alone to long that things get ugly.  Sometimes I am not interested in being productive and the battle begins.

I always know that this conflict will pass and tomorrow I will be back to work.  Thank God for work.