I had a dream this morning that I was in a cafeteria buffet line and a older guy had put a serving of chicken on my plate with some green beans. Suddenly he decided that he wanted me to have fish and took my plate back and gave me a piece of fish but in the process threw away my green beans. I ask for more green beans but her refused and I had to ask for a manager to get my green beans.
Dreams are so real sometimes and I wonder are we really living in a second world. I know when I dream like this that I have stayed in bed too long. The details were incredible and I remember when I got my green beans I thought this has taken me 45 minutes to get through this line.
I guess it is Thanksgiving bringing on food dreams and I do prefer fish to chicken but I do like my green beans. I am on my own this year without plans for the day but feeling okay with it. I have cooked and served hundreds of people on Thanksgiving mostly spending my time cooking and cleaning alone in the kitchen.
For many years I enjoyed the process of cooking a big meal for the people in my life that I loved. Feeling productive and making sure everyone had a meal to remember. When I was young my husband and I cooked for 20 - 30 people some of them strangers to us but without a place to go.
In my last relationship I cooked for my ex's family and my friends. It is strange to think about that now. It has been over a decade and the person that did that no longer exist. I don't feel sad today being alone. I think for the first time I don't feel lost and wanting more from my life than what is right in front of me. I am off work until Tuesday and have a few projects on my list to keep me busy.
I have found that only resisting your current situation will bring you unhappiness. We are taught to want more dream more and I agree with that but not at the expense of rejecting today. Enjoy the day and if your with friends and family try to not want them or the day to be different and enjoy those green beans.
Thursday, November 28, 2019
Saturday, November 23, 2019
Depression - Fighting Back - Lies I told myself
My friend who is going through a bout of depression and grief called me yesterday and wanted to spend the night. It is a good weekend for me since I am off today and tomorrow. I want to help but not feel responsible for her. We talked a lot about what she is thinking and saying to herself. I know all those thoughts intimately since I experienced them myself and really couldn't convey to other people the total lack of feelings I had for life or anything in general.
It was like going down memory lane for me and I showed her the cartoon by Hyperbole - Depression - Part I and II. Until I saw this cartoon I thought that what I was feeling was unique to me the lack of desire or even sadness virtually no feelings at all. Until the point of feeling nothing I had longed to stop being sad and stop crying until there was nothing. Nothing felt like a relief at first and then it stayed so long I didn't want to live anymore. The idea of doing something about that thought seemed like too much work.
A wanted so bad to be somewhere else or really to be someone else. I wanted a different life somewhere in the future. I wanted time to just move on. As long as I wanted something else I stayed stuck. It was only when I finally gave in and just laid in the nothingness and accepting that this was my life that I started to feel better. I stopped beating myself up for not being someplace else.
I should have gone to the doctor but I didn't have real insurance and didn't want to pay out of pocket. It was the recession and I felt like I couldn't afford to pay for it. I was at the lowest place in my life and my judgment was bad.
I am not against medication I do think that sometimes it dulls people down so that the real issues don't get a chance to come to the surface. With my friend I keep these opinions to myself. She is grieving ending a 25 year relationship and starting over. This is the first holiday solo and that is always harder than you think it will be. They have her on many meds at this point.
I have suffered a lot and I have also learned a lot from my suffering. I am happy and free today for the first time I don't feel like I need to work on myself. I just feel like I can enjoy the day as a whole and complete person.
We are naturally self - absorbed and being depressed can magnify that to a point that you are living in a bubble and for me I really didn't want anyone trying to break that bubble. Every suggestion or idea that someone had for me my mind rejected. I had to find my way out of the darkness sort our the lies I was telling myself about the mistakes I had made in the past or the idea that I wasn't lovable.
I had to fight back and start being my own Prince Charming and love and take care of my own needs. You need to be healthy to attract healthy. You need to be healthy to be free and happy with the life you have been given. I can love myself now whether anyone else loves me or not.
I feel strong enough to emotionally be there to support my friend without taking on her sadness. It was grace and hard work that brought me back from the darkness and I hope she will find her way.
It was like going down memory lane for me and I showed her the cartoon by Hyperbole - Depression - Part I and II. Until I saw this cartoon I thought that what I was feeling was unique to me the lack of desire or even sadness virtually no feelings at all. Until the point of feeling nothing I had longed to stop being sad and stop crying until there was nothing. Nothing felt like a relief at first and then it stayed so long I didn't want to live anymore. The idea of doing something about that thought seemed like too much work.
A wanted so bad to be somewhere else or really to be someone else. I wanted a different life somewhere in the future. I wanted time to just move on. As long as I wanted something else I stayed stuck. It was only when I finally gave in and just laid in the nothingness and accepting that this was my life that I started to feel better. I stopped beating myself up for not being someplace else.
I should have gone to the doctor but I didn't have real insurance and didn't want to pay out of pocket. It was the recession and I felt like I couldn't afford to pay for it. I was at the lowest place in my life and my judgment was bad.
I am not against medication I do think that sometimes it dulls people down so that the real issues don't get a chance to come to the surface. With my friend I keep these opinions to myself. She is grieving ending a 25 year relationship and starting over. This is the first holiday solo and that is always harder than you think it will be. They have her on many meds at this point.
I have suffered a lot and I have also learned a lot from my suffering. I am happy and free today for the first time I don't feel like I need to work on myself. I just feel like I can enjoy the day as a whole and complete person.
We are naturally self - absorbed and being depressed can magnify that to a point that you are living in a bubble and for me I really didn't want anyone trying to break that bubble. Every suggestion or idea that someone had for me my mind rejected. I had to find my way out of the darkness sort our the lies I was telling myself about the mistakes I had made in the past or the idea that I wasn't lovable.
I had to fight back and start being my own Prince Charming and love and take care of my own needs. You need to be healthy to attract healthy. You need to be healthy to be free and happy with the life you have been given. I can love myself now whether anyone else loves me or not.
I feel strong enough to emotionally be there to support my friend without taking on her sadness. It was grace and hard work that brought me back from the darkness and I hope she will find her way.
Monday, November 18, 2019
Flow - Distraction - Multi Tasking - Compartmentalizing
I have been back from my trip for a week. It turned out to be a great healing trip for me and I feel freer than I ever have. Only one call from work which in itself was a miracle. Last week was quite drama filled but I was rested and not affected by the normal parts of my job.
When you are designing and bringing many people together to create the customers vision it is like running a department where none of the people actually work for you. I try to be clear and straight forward with how things work but sometimes people aren't engaged. Both customers and contractors want things to move quickly and rush through the planning process and when something is not like they imagined it was going to be they are upset.
It doesn't matter how many times I repeat it or show them it is like they are too busy at that moment to listen or pay attention. Not everyone is like that and I can usually tell who will come back to me and plead innocence and expect a miracle. Luckily I know that I have done my part to insure that everyone is on the same page. I can't make someone listen that is lost in their own personal version of life so I just try to get through it as peacefully as possible.
I use to think I was always the person that did something wrong. The first call I got last Monday was " You have made a serious mistake on this job." The old me would immediately think I am so stupid I messed this up. Now before I have that thought I get more details and I trust myself. The doubt comes because once I complete a task and move on to something else I file it away. When I am working on something I give it 100% and shut out other distractions so I don't make mistakes. Then I move on and when a question comes up it takes time for the details to come back to me.
I think they call this compartmentalizing and it really works. Today we pride ourselves in multi - tasking but all that means is no one or task is getting 100%. Everything is getting sloppy seconds. You can't take messages on your watch phone while listening to details of a month long project and not expect to miss a critical detail. "Hey - You are spending a lot of money - Pay attention."
People shouldn't say "I have lost my mind" they should say " I am lost in my mind". I cover myself at work with lots of pictures this seems to waken the other half of the brain. Even though I am complaining here this isn't a regular problem for me but I wish that people were less scattered.
It isn't healthy to live in such a high stress environment created by our own behaviors. In the past when my phone pinged I felt like was one of those mice in the test maze that was shocked every time the bell rang. I always think about when you actually go to a store and stand in line waiting and the phone rings and the clerk takes the call and writes down that persons order or answers a long question. It seems you are not as important as the person not willing to even come to the store.
Okay that it enough ranting for one day. I know I sound old but I cherish peace above all else in my life. My nervous systems is burned out from all the fight and flight I have subjected it to over the years and I am not interested in making everything life and death anymore. I will accept what is my responsibility and when it isn't I will do what I can to help get things back on track.
When you are designing and bringing many people together to create the customers vision it is like running a department where none of the people actually work for you. I try to be clear and straight forward with how things work but sometimes people aren't engaged. Both customers and contractors want things to move quickly and rush through the planning process and when something is not like they imagined it was going to be they are upset.
It doesn't matter how many times I repeat it or show them it is like they are too busy at that moment to listen or pay attention. Not everyone is like that and I can usually tell who will come back to me and plead innocence and expect a miracle. Luckily I know that I have done my part to insure that everyone is on the same page. I can't make someone listen that is lost in their own personal version of life so I just try to get through it as peacefully as possible.
I use to think I was always the person that did something wrong. The first call I got last Monday was " You have made a serious mistake on this job." The old me would immediately think I am so stupid I messed this up. Now before I have that thought I get more details and I trust myself. The doubt comes because once I complete a task and move on to something else I file it away. When I am working on something I give it 100% and shut out other distractions so I don't make mistakes. Then I move on and when a question comes up it takes time for the details to come back to me.
I think they call this compartmentalizing and it really works. Today we pride ourselves in multi - tasking but all that means is no one or task is getting 100%. Everything is getting sloppy seconds. You can't take messages on your watch phone while listening to details of a month long project and not expect to miss a critical detail. "Hey - You are spending a lot of money - Pay attention."
People shouldn't say "I have lost my mind" they should say " I am lost in my mind". I cover myself at work with lots of pictures this seems to waken the other half of the brain. Even though I am complaining here this isn't a regular problem for me but I wish that people were less scattered.
It isn't healthy to live in such a high stress environment created by our own behaviors. In the past when my phone pinged I felt like was one of those mice in the test maze that was shocked every time the bell rang. I always think about when you actually go to a store and stand in line waiting and the phone rings and the clerk takes the call and writes down that persons order or answers a long question. It seems you are not as important as the person not willing to even come to the store.
Okay that it enough ranting for one day. I know I sound old but I cherish peace above all else in my life. My nervous systems is burned out from all the fight and flight I have subjected it to over the years and I am not interested in making everything life and death anymore. I will accept what is my responsibility and when it isn't I will do what I can to help get things back on track.
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