Indifference - Emotional abuse - Not enough

It has been raining here a lot and this does dampen my spirit even if I pretend that it doesn't. I have to admit diving into my old pictures has stirred some feeling up. Not really sad feelings but some feelings of dissatisfaction with where my life is now.  People have families and I feel like I don't. I do have a family but one that really never thinks too much about me.

I found out they went to the beach for vacation last week.  My sister told me a number of people she tried to get to meet them there for a visit. I wasn't on that list. I use to meet them there every year until I got divorced and then they stopped inviting me. They use to come to my house every year for Thanksgiving until I got divorce and then they never came to visit again until last year.

I found some pictures of those Thanksgivings and how we cooked for sometimes as many as 30 for the day. One year I got the great idea of having everyone dress as pilgrims. We had a about six kids in the group and they loved it. Back in those days I wanted everything to be perfect because I was unhappy. I was always thinking of ways to improve the situation and make things better for other people. 

This feeling that I am not wanted has plagued me since childhood. To make up for that I always take the position of making sure everyone else felt welcome and that there every need was met. This can sometimes attract those who like to sit back and be taken care of without appreciation. 

Indifference is a sneaky form of abuse that causes so much pain. There isn't any specific incidence or words that can describe exactly what happen. No argument or slamming of doors no verbal ridicule. It just makes you feel invisible. Like my sixteenth birthday when no one remembered. 

I feel like I have been invisible most of my life. Especially to my family and in my intimate relationships. In my professional life I was a success because a few people recognized my contribution and promoted me over and over. Even when I lost my corporate job it was because I made it look easy. Quietly managing a huge department where nothing went wrong. It wasn't until I left that they realized they had no idea the scope of the work. My ex-boss made amends by getting me a consultant job paying twice as much as my old job.

I was taught by my mother that it isn't right to toot your own horn. The meek shall inherent the earth and God can see the good you are doing and that is enough payment. When I was a child I was always starving for some kind of validation from my mother. If I cleaned my room and brought her there to see it the reply would be "well it is your room and you should want to keep it clean."

I heard "never enough" she was saying "there is always room for improvement" the ideas are both true and I get it now. I have heard my sister do the same things to her kids. Pointing out how they could do better instead of "good job" or giving solutions instead of just saying "you are going to figure this out - you are smart it just takes time." 

In my early marriage I picked someone who believed in me. Even reading the letters from him he said encouraging things to me. Of course the amends letter he admitted manipulating me by using the doubts I had about myself as ways to hurt me. He was smart enough to know exactly what he was doing.

What I do with the indifference is I take it for a long long time and then I walk away. First emotionally once I am gone emotionally it forces the other person to move on. On the dark side I feel used and unappreciated to the point I am dead inside. I withdraw my contribution to the relationship.  I let them leave me because it is what I am comfortable doing. 

In the past ten years I have made the decision to get out of situations that are no longer good for me. First leaving the small shop I worked for and owned part of. I also left a few long time friendships because they felt one sided and what once felt like enough for me suddenly wasn't. 

I don't want those indifferent relationships anymore and I feel happier just being on my own. I feel less resentful and I don't feel like I am waiting around for something to change. I am a committed person to anything I do and I am looking for the same commitment to me from the other side. 

I am going to work through my feelings with my sister. She was raised with the same indifference that I was and it wouldn't occur to her that I would even want to meet them at the beach. She has done the same thing as I have training people to not appreciate her contribution being in a marriage where only one person's wants or needs are important. Working in the background waiting for her rewards in heaven. 

I feel better after getting this out and seeing that the way I feel has a past.  I can see that none of this is happening today except in my own head. I am free to make the best of today and the sun is actually shining at this moment. What could be better? 

Love Letters - Forgiveness - Healing - Freedom

I am home today taking a short break in the middle of my work week.  I was cleaning and moving my art stuff from downstairs to move it to the upstairs.  I converted a closet to a art work space. Sometimes I think I will never actually get around to do the art but I am hopeful.  With work taking 100% of my creativity it is hard to muster up enough enthusiasm to paint.  I am pretending that " if you build it they will come" ot it in this case. 

While cleaning things out I found a few old photos of my past lives at different times. It started the wheels turning and I remembered having several boxes in the basement that I haven't looked at in a long time. I know I am healed from my past because these pictures no longer evoke strong emotional responses for me anymore. 

I look at the girl in the photos and think about how much I missed trying to keep bad things from happening. "You can always see it coming but you can never stop it" a line from a Cowboy Junkies song that is so true.  I have kept something from every relationship I have ever had. From my ex-husband I kept letters he wrote me after he split and left me for a co-worker.  They married and have grown kids now.

Two letters the first before therapy and the second after therapy. In the first he blamed me for everything that was wrong with his life and felt just starting fresh would cure everything. He didn't know what had happened to us or why he couldn't love me like before. We really never had closure or counseling he refused to talk about anything. A year after the divorce he called and wanted me to meet him at his counselors appointment so we could clear the air.  I agreed hoping this would help to heal me but it was ugly when he confessed that there had been a number of infidelities over the years.  

I always felt that it was my fault that bad things happening to me. I would rather take the blame than really believe that the people I loved and trusted were so horrible. I felt like it was my fault for not seeing just how things really were.  My denial of the truth of who they had become made it impossible to move on. I internalized the pain to the point that I didn't want to live. 

The second letter was an amends letter where he admits how mean he was to me and the lies he told and the constant manipulation of my emotions. This manipulation was the worse for me because for three years he courted me leaving notes on my car and gifts in my mailbox. While he was with someone else that in the beginning I didn't  know about. Telling me one week before he was getting married that he would never love anyone the way he loved me. 

In the second letter he said he could see how much pain and anger he had built up inside and only the drugs and alcohol could manage them until they stopped working. This letter was hard to read because he was becoming the person I knew he could be but I wasn't going to reap the benefits of this new found awakening. 

I loved him like I never have loved anyone else. We were two very broken people whose pain matched perfectly for almost a decade. I was not complete without him and when I felt I was losing him I froze and stopped living which made me really attractive.  You can hear that it was still my fault. I remember falling into depression with him coming home at midnight and avoiding me altogether.

I have felt all my life that no one ever really wanted me. I was a high strung ADD child and after my mother died all the grown ups deserted me to manage there own grief. From the time she got sick I knew I was on my own so I made the best of it. Only people with strong wills ever broke through. 

As an adult I attracted people who were crazy in love with me to a point in some cases stalking me. In my mind this was proof of true love. My husband would have done anything to protect me and he made me feel safe until that obsession moved to someone else. He made me feel safe even though in the end he hurt me more than anyone. 

I can read those letters today without pain and I can forgive myself for not being able to do anything about what was happening to me. My own pain was equal to his and I couldn't feel any joy without  looking over my shoulder waiting for the next crisis to strike. With alcoholism there is always the next crisis. 

It took a lot guts for him to write those letters and they did heal me a little bit every time I have read them over the years. It still makes me jealous that he got the life we always wanted with kids but I am sure it has been no bed of roses. The devil is in the details.

Looking at the pictures and reading the letters I can see over the years the progress I was making. I still never felt I was enough and was always striving to be a better me. It is a good goal but it is time for joy now and because I am alone I don't have to meet anyone's expectations but my own. I am loving myself and not looking at happiness as something in the future. I can be happy today I just have to decide to be,

I have always done my best even if it wasn't good enough for other people or even myself. I can forgive them and forgive myself.   

 

The story I am telling myself - starting over - freedom - a new life

I had a good week very stressful but not unbearable. I practiced my ten minute meditation every day this week although yesterday I had an early appointment so I practiced while my computer booted up. The clients canceled for the second time but I was okay with that. It gave me a chance to finish a big project which I have been putting off.

Recently I feel I have been in the flow more often than normal. What this means to me is that I just let things flow without trying to force solutions or make the universe move to my rhythm. When the appointment canceled I just moved on and looked at the positives. First I am not a morning person and it was the end of a long week so now I could relax and focus.

I know I can certainly get caught up in the business of life. Before peace was priority in my life the busier I was the more important that made me. I was like a machine fitting something in every minute and living off the high of just having so much to do.  This is how it is in the west we just want to fill every minute with something. With the few spare moments looking at our phones. 

Our mind can be our enemy always wanting more and more entertainment. The ego is always present no matter how hard we work at being whole and peaceful. I remember creating daily list of deadlines for myself and actually creating stress around those items. I did this to myself creating a crisis where there wasn't one. I liked the adrenaline rush it gave and I got use to it.

It took falling and crashing to the ground to see I had created this in my own life. I thought that this was who I was this busy hard working person that had a million things to do.  Everyone was counting on me to take care of them. I was so wrapped up in the idea of me that I couldn't stand still for a minute.

I was really running from the truth I believed about myself - that I was nothing without all this running. If I stopped whatever had been chasing me all those years would catch up to me and it would be over. I never dared to stop and turnaround and look at it. 

This was depression for me a deep belief that there was something about me that wasn't right and wasn't lovable. I was running hard to stay ahead of the this belief. I ran until I couldn't run any longer and collapsed  out of exhaustion. What happened next was unbelievable absolutely nothing. My ego disappeared and I was left with silence and it was terrifying.  The person I was before was gone.

I was in a state of nothing for what seemed like forever. I just stayed there because I couldn't move. None of the old ways of kicking myself back into gear worked. I went through the motions of life and did what had to be done each day. Thankfully I haven't returned to the person I was before.

I realized I had created the that person over the years. All the ideas I had taken on given to me by my family and other outside influences. Then who I believed I was and how I re-enforced those beliefs with my thoughts and actions even when they no longer served me. 

If I created that person I could create someone new. Since that person was gone I could start over if I was willing. If I was willing to let go of the story of myself. I had a choice - I could keep repeating the story mostly to myself or I could let go and just show up everyday and see what happened. The physical brain is geared to lay down well worn paths so it isn't easy to just choose something else. 

At this point I was a blank canvas and had detached from the painful person I had become. A warning here everyone around you will want you to come back just as you were because it makes them feel safe to keep things the same. You no longer fit into their story the way I use to and it makes everyone uncomfortable. 

This post has some pretty radical ideas and not for everyone. I didn't ask for this to happen to me but I wanted to be happy even if it meant starting over alone. I am so grateful and happy for the first time in my life. My story made me miserable and I thought I had to just accept this fact and do the best I could. It is just that a story in my own head told over and over until I believe it is who I am even if it makes me unhappy. Nothing is permanent and at any moment we can choose again. 

 you want to change you have to monitor your thoughts and see where you go when something unpleasant happens. Where do you run to? How do you justify your next behavior? If you feel guilty do you say "I am like this because ____"  enter whatever you usually say about why you do it.

 

Organizing - Purging the past - Always practicing letting go

I spent Sunday in solitude except for talking to my childhood friend for a few hours. I did my favorite thing which is organizing.  This can be super emotional and you have to prepare yourself for the waves of memories that may or may not come up.  I have a lot of old CD's from different times in my life and I need to get rid of the ones that I really don't listen to anymore. 

I have never done this before because it is just easier to keep things than to face and discard memories. I usually make a deal with myself to address the easy stuff.  This just means a quick pass through and chunk out anything that I have not real attachment to. This builds momentum for round two the maybe pile.

I also made myself commit to listening to any keeper that I really didn't know the music. These were CD's my ex husband left behind that weren't necessarily my choice. Like the band "Yes" do I really like this music or do I really think that I should keep it because this is a classic band? I listened and thought "would I listen again? Maybe." I put that in the keep pile.

I found a Gary Moore CD - When I played it I really liked it. In my twenties I loved Blues concerts but they were few and far between. Blues music really speaks to me with long guitar rifts full of energy and angst. Definitely a keeper.

I use to like the voice of Emmy Lou Harris and had a CD with her and Mark Knopfler as I listened to the sad folk type songs I asked my "will you every think I am in the mood for this sad melancholy music?" I said no I am not that person anymore so it is in the to go pile. 

Letting go of the person I use to be and the life I use to have is easier for my now. I have lived and loved those people and times but before now it felt like letting them go was dishonoring their existence.   It also felt like I would be nothing without those attachments. But now they no longer define me and these items are just stuff taking up space. 

Don't get me wrong there were a few CD's like Cowboy Junkies that even if I never listen to them again I will keep. Lay it Down - has soothed me many times and it deserves a space in my life. 

No sadness bubbled up - No regret of any kind which is always a nice surprise and is why I usually avoid these kinds of task. I felt strong and happy yesterday purging the past and the music that went with it. 

The worrier in me - Protecting myself from the negative - 4th step - being whole

I had a celebrated getting another year older this week with not much fan fare. Someone kind decorated my door at work which was totally unexpected. I am not great with other peoples birthdays and I feel guilty about that.  I was never that great and then when I went into deep depression I just let what little effort I made go. I have hosted many events at the request of others doing the cooking and decorating but I am not the one that remembers the dates.

I am a very focused person and I am always working on the task a hand and not on planning or thinking about other things. I always wished I was one of those people that had a day timer or an electronic calendar it would be really easy especially these days. I have bought so many of them and it would last maybe one day. When I was an executive I used outlook to keep up but now days I don't plan too far in advance and this works for me. 

I know some people say they are booked out a month to make their customers feel like they are privileged to work with them. This doesn't support my idea of flow and living in the present moment. 

When I was trying to out run the pain I felt inside I booked every minute of my day so I never had to face the pain I felt inside. The emptiness of all that I had lost in my life. The feeling that I was not worthy of love because I had lost so much. I felt it was my fault because I was not good enough. 

I think most people feel this from time to time but I always thought I was unique. It was a secret that kept to myself and tried to be the best person I could be hoping someone would notice me and love me. This would get rid of that gaping hole I had inside me. 

I did get noticed by other people with equal gaping holes. It was reassuring at first but we never got better together. It is good to find support and comfort each other but sometimes it keeps us stuck in the same place for a really long time. You have to find the wholeness you need from within. 

I have been writing about my past this week. A good 4th step for anyone and I have written these stories many times. With every writing over the years there is less and less pain attached to those memories. This week I felt love for the girl and women that experienced those moments. I can love her now and see that she was just doing her best. So broken and living in constant fear of making a mistake. 

I have forgiven her and see how she was just trying to survive. She made some good decisions which has brought her to where she is today.  Happy and healthy. Is it weird to talk about yourself in the third person?  I do that because she is long gone and she seems like a character in a book. I can write about her now without judgement and this makes me free. 

My aunt called me for my birthday.  She is the only one from my dad's side of the family that has kept up with me over the years. I don't keep in touch to often because her view of the world is negative even though she is a pretty happy person. The conversation is about her health and then about the violence around her. She lives in the country so this violence is only on TV.

I don't accept negative input ever from anyone. That emotion drains me and I have to protect myself. It stirs up the worrier in me.  I can't solve any of these problems so why dwell on them. I need my energy to get through the day. If the information isn't positive I can't listen. Believe me if something terrible happens that I need to know about someone will tell me. 

I am reflecting on my life this week and I feel peaceful. I do plan to make more of an effort to honor the birthdays of the people that are important to me.  I did send my sister flowers for her birthday this year so that is a start.