Acceptance - Family - Beliefs - Making Peace

I have returned from a trip to see my family.  It was a little complicated with my niece house sitting in Charleston and my nephew driving my sister from the mountains to meet me there. Her kids don't think she is capable of driving by herself for four hours.  He brought the grand kids both under three and we watched them while he stayed in a hotel. This wasn't his idea but it worked out until he decided he didn't want to stay the three days as planned. 

I was proud of my sister for holding her ground and saying she was staying and he could drive back by himself with the kids. This solidified my own plans which was to drive her back home.  When first found out that he and the kids were coming I almost cancelled my trip all together. I knew that it would be all about watching the kids instead of a relaxing three days with my niece and my sister.  

My experience over the years with my sister and her family is that you are not factored into the equation ever. It you are visiting nothing is altered for your visit. You can't expect anything more than to just tag along to whatever is going on in their lives.  I might get lunch with my sister and a few dinners out. It was a nice surprise that my sister actually took the whole week off for the holiday. 

With this trip my niece originally wanted me to drive six hours pick up my sister and drive four hours spend three days in Charleston and drive four hours to take her home spend Thanksgiving and then drive another six hours home.  I did decline this plan since my sister is capable of driving four hours herself. This is before my nephew's wife went out of town and it was decided he couldn't be alone with the kids for three days.  Just writing this tires me out. 

The trip was an overall success. The three of us were exhausted running after two toddlers for almost three days.  They left me alone with them while they were napping only to have them both wake up at the same time with one extra poopy diaper. I texted them with an SOS since I didn't think I could watch him while changing the diaper in a stranger's house. 

I did get to bond with the kids and then after my nephew drove back home with them the three of us went for a walk on the beach and had dinner out together. My sister and I drove back together leaving my niece to finish her house sitting duties through the holiday. We were really able to catch up.

We got back Wednesday night and cooked the casseroles my niece had frozen in advance of her trip. We had dinner at my nephew's in-laws as they do every year with me taking the place of my niece at the table. It was nice really good food and I didn't cook any of it. 

I was also worried about the the political climate of my family all Trump supporters and think wearing masks is an attempt to be politically correct. No one wore mask there except in public places. I didn't fight it or say my peace.  I was exposed to them and the kids the first day so I figured it didn't matter. My sister and I had a few words over Obama when she said "he is showing his true colors now" I just gave her a look. She came and apologized and said she didn't mean to get so heated.  

One thing I have come to understand about my sister that even though she is very smart she doesn't like to go against the crowd. Before he beat Hillary we had a discussion where we both agreed that he was a sociopath and bad for the country. Now he is a god my brother-in-law said as I was leaving "when they overturn this election there will be riots in the streets."  

This has been the right choice for her and enabled her to stay close with our dad and his wife. With kids you need family and as much support as you can get.  I was never a good sheep and would never be able to just go along with what is popular with the crowd. I sacrificed having a family because I would never be able to keep my mouth shut. 

My sister loves me and worries about my salvation and fears that I might go to hell. I wonder how people that call themselves christian can support a man who clearly cares about nothing but himself. He definitely isn't following the idea "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

I have found my own way and I don't feel I must win them over to my own beliefs anymore. I do have to prepare myself for our visits and this was the first time I don't need to recover from the trip. We have come to an understanding and she doesn't feel responsible for my salvation anymore. 

I have found peace with being alone and I have found peace with be an outsider with my family. With her kids grown now I have the opportunity to get to know them. My sister's life has not be easy and she kept a lot of things from me to protect her family. Similar to living with alcoholism when one person controls the whole family and you don't want anyone to know what is going on. 

We are survivors and have both done it on our own.  It makes me sad that we didn't feel we could be there for each other. I think we are beginning to know each other for the first time. She is four years older than me so we were never close as children. We are both tough and have found our own way through life and now that we are older we can relax an enjoy each other. 

Alcoholism - Addicted to the Chaos

I watched Super Soul Sunday last night with Oprah interviewing Biden in 2017.  It was a good interview and showed that he is a thoughtful and kind man still grieving the loss of his son. He spent most of the interview hunched over clasping his hand reliving the words he was saying slowly and deliberately.

I then I watched the Steven Colbert interview from three years ago and then one from one year ago. Much lighter non-stop talking. Steven fact checked his last interview and he go a lot of details wrong about a story he told.  He said he was just conveying the importance of the moment in the story and names and dates weren't that important in that specific incidence. 

It is going to be so strange having someone that actually answers questions and deals with issues. Instead of chasing a moving target that doesn't have answers and isn't really that interested. I remember shortly after the last election when Hillary did an interview for the first time. I was mesmerized by how soothing it was to hear complete sentences coming out of her mouth after only months of the current administration.

I can't help but think about how this president reminds me of a time I lived with active alcoholism. At first the charm and charisma was enough. The way he could win over anyone with his energy and words. He promised the moon but never did anything that he said he would do. Then as the disease progressed he created chaos in our lives every day. Every move I made was based on what I thought he would do next - bracing myself for a number of possible out comes.

I was the desperate wife pouncing on him when he did show up trying to get answers I felt I needed to survive, When I would remind him of the promises he made he would deny ever making them. He shut me out and refused to even talk about anything. By the time he left I had become addicted to the chaos and the adrenaline that went with it. When he was out of my life it felt like I had been unplugged from my life source. I was empty and exhausted.

Even with the pain of the loss I was grateful to come home at night an not have to face the madness. I wasn't chasing a moving target and dealing with crazy every day. Even if I had gotten use to the thrill of the ups and downs I knew it was killing me.

What we have lived with these past four years is just like living with an active alcoholic. The charm and laser attention I got in the beginning changed to control and chaos in the end. It was like a drug being loved by this person is so charismatic. He made me feel like he was the only one who understood me. 

I imagine this is what his core supporters feel like.  "He really sees me" and maybe he does but he will never really come through with the promises he makes. He is just there for his moment in the spotlight and really never thinks past that moment. Their lives will be empty for a while but then they will go back to whatever they were doing before. 

Everyone especially the media with feel loss and emptiness for awhile. No matter whether your were fighting for him or against him the excitement is over.  The man himself is a walking crisis. We will have to get use to the fact that we don't have a man whose tweets send the stock market crashing. 

It took me a long time to get over my husband leaving. It was a relationship that consumed me and when it was over I felt bored and lonely for a long time. I was so exhausted I like for two years I just worked and slept. I know today that relationship changed me forever for good and bad. It made me see what I didn't want again and made me face what attracted me to him in the first place. 

I have learned to be my own entertainment these days and when I am bored I don't look for a two legged crisis to feel that void. I can be grateful and accept that life isn't exciting all the time and be at peace.  I know things will be less volatile with the new president but I am not expecting nirvana just a little less crazy.  

Living in our own bubble - Compassion - Understanding

This last week has been difficult for me as I am sure it has been for everyone. We can't understand why the other side can't see just how wrong they are with the facts right in front of them. I have come to the conclusion that we spend most of our time in our on bubble. 

I was raised in a charismatic Pentecostal denomination where if you didn't belong to our denomination then you really weren't going to heaven. We didn't associate with people outside the church. As kids  we could play with the kids in our neighborhood but mostly not allowed to go into their houses. The street we lived on was built by our pastor so some of the people living there went to our church. 

My sister would baby sit sometimes for the people across the street and I remember one time watching out the window and seeing the husband passed out behind the wheel with the car door open.  I imagine this is what we were being protected from. 

It always bothered me that everyone else was going to hell that really didn't make total since to me. A lot of them seemed like perfectly nice people. My mother was strong and independent person and you didn't question what she told you. When we moved to the suburbs in 1966 she couldn't believe the women at our church didn't vote. She immediately started a women's political group at the church.

She was my Sunday school teacher and I remember her preparing for hours on Saturday before she taught her lesson. We read the Bible together at night together.  She was passionate about her beliefs and taught me and my sister to be independent thinkers. This worked and we clashed constantly. 

I am a detail person and very analytical and I needed things to make since to me. Some of the stories of the Bible didn't make since. I asked constant questions which really got on my parents nerves. I have never been a good sheep just going along with anyone selling anything. When l left home at 16 my daddy said " you will never make it because you don't respect authority." I knew he had no idea what I was capable of and I never looked back.

Just like my childhood today we all live in a bubble of our own making. We don't let any information that doesn't fit into our self created bubble because we want the lines to be clear and to think we are always right. It is easier and our brains are made to work this way. We live day to day without looking at what others are going through especially when it doesn't touch our lives.

We all do that or we couldn't survive the devastation we see on our screens. I remember as a child they showed the caskets of soldiers being unloaded every day on the news. This was so terrible to me it made me so sad. I couldn't understand why this was happening. The men had families just like mine what could be worth them dying for?

I was raised Republican and Reagan was the last republican I voted for. I was devastated by the way he ignored the AIDS epidemic and let so many die without so much as a word about it. This seems familiar to me now people thinking "it's not a part of my world so it doesn't matter to me." 

We all become isolated when we only live in our own bubble with people like ourselves. I work with people everyday that are genuinely nice intelligent people.  They are are happy and there bubble is pretty secure so they want to keep it that way. I get this and don't fault them for it because it is not my place to wake people up. 

I also know that people are mostly dug in and it is hard for them to go against their peers. It is easy not to questions what we think especially when we surround ourselves by people just like us. It isn't that easy to step away from the crowd. What if they reject me?  I will be alone and unloved.

It is true this can happen and it happened to me.  I wasn't willing to just believe those who were in authority. I had to do my own research and find my belief and God for myself. I don't regret leaving the flock but it has been lonely on my own.  I never quite fit in with believers or non-believers. 

It is good to feel certain you are right and you surely don't want anybody punching through your bubble. No one is right all the time and that it the way it is. I don't regret my upbringing because it made me strong and able to be an outsider. We were passionate in our beliefs which is important. 

Today I know I can find peace within whenever I want. I can trust that we can work this out eventually. Life goes on and we will turn this over to future generations and hope they will do better. I use my words when I can to make people think and have compassion for others and I have to exercise my own compassion for them.