Is this true? A child's reality - Where did this thought come from?

 It was a hectic week and I felt pretty overwhelmed and by Thursday I was laying in bed not wanting to go to work. This only happens to me when I can't get everything done fast enough or don't know how to solve certain problems my clients. Luckily I love what I do so this is rare.  

I combat this apathy by telling myself I can come home after my floor time or after the meeting. This never happens because once I am engaged with the now instead the fears in my head it isn't so scary. It is funny that I have to trick myself to get past the fear or dread that tries to control me. 

I think of this as the little child in me who says "I don't want to go to school". I then put my big pants on and just get out there and do something.  The mind was built in our childhood the first six years we were taught all the tools we needed to interact with the world around us. 

If this wasn't a stable nurturing time, did anybody get that, our interpretation of what we were taught can be skewed pretty badly from reality. Since I have been writing about my own childhood I can see the message I received was that I was a real problem and that I needed to keep quiet. It was important that I be invisible as much as possible. 

I am sure this wasn't intentional but with my mother sick the grownups were trying to manage the situation at hand. The good news for me is that I have used that talent to stay under the radar and do what I wanted in my life mostly without asking for permission. The drawback is that no one sees just what I have accomplished. I have been conditioned to just do things for my own satisfaction and the satisfaction of the customer now.  

This trait did cost me my career in the mortgage world because I made my job look easy and they thought anyone could do it. I was let go without notice and my job given to a friend of my boss. In the end nobody could do what I had done and they had to sell the whole division.  He did make amends later by giving my name to someone that paid me a ton of money to do that same job from home. This paid for my design degree and more.

What he didn't know is that I had been there from the beginning when there was only three of us. When I left there was 70 and what I did was like breathing to me. I just came in and did my job every day without looking for a pat on the back. It never occurred to me that I needed to promote myself that would seem like bragging but in the corporate world it is necessary. I was too busy doing the work to do that.  

This event changed the course of my life and I ended up in a field doing what I love. We are pretty independent a combination of contractor and employee. It is the perfect combination for me since I am self motivated and happy to do whatever it takes to get the job done.  

I will say that finding out my mother was sick a year earlier than I thought helps me to see that I was shaped more by her illness than I thought. This isn't to wallow in the past but it helps me to understand why I think I am a burden to other people. I can know that this idea is a child's idea and not based on fact. I can see it was just fall out from the my mother's cancer and the people around her trying to cope. 

One final thing in writing here and about my past helps my brain to sort things out. I think this is the mind always working towards healing the parts that feel broken instead of pushing them down. I am always asking myself "is this thought true?" or have I been wrong about this for a long time.