What is wrong with me? The final solution

I haven't written here since my birthday and thought I would see if I have anything to say. First I am great probably the best I have ever been. My life as you know has been a search to figure out how to do better and most of all to feel better.

I give recent credit for healing to my therapist and to EMDR. I have handled life by bracing my self for something awful or swimming through treacherous waters, I have felt like an alien visiting here watching other people just move through life not thinking too much and not worrying too much.

I took a trip to see my family earlier this month and is actually felt good. Everyone older and wiser including me. On the way I listen to a book "What happened to you?". It summed up where I have been and where I am now.

The author is a trauma specialist and said something that spoke to me. She said instead of saying "whats wrong with me?" say "what happened to me?".  I have said the first for as long as I remember even now if I feel sad or just not interested in life I say "whats wrong with you?"

My work with EMDR has brought forward some significant events to the surface. Things that I have known about intellectually for a long time. What happened to me early in my life and the guilt I have for even thinking about it after so many years.  

I have written about those here hoping I could just let them go by putting them on the page. I have let those painful experiences go so many times but not really. The book talks about trauma in the body mostly early trauma and how it stays with children forever. 

The EMDR has helped me experience these painful times as an adult. Going back to the moment in mind as an adult and walking through my feelings until they dissipate. When I have my next session I can hardly remember what was addressed before. 

There isn't anything wrong with me I just had some things happen to me that made me think I was a problem and a real burden to everyone around me. I was regularly punished for being who I was and asking too many questions all in the name of love.

 I lost my family after my mother died and I found the best way to be loved is to earn it by doing things people wanted done and doing them perfectly. I learned to anticipate their every need.  As an adult when I had a crisis and couldn't fulfill my previous roll I was left.

I thought this was my fault that I was flawed in some way and didn't deserve love. I am free from that thought now and have moved through the events that created this belief. I have forgiven the child that I have been trying to solve the problem of me. 

This blog saved me and gave me a place to tell my story with honesty and freedom. I want to let you know to never give up on finding a way to feel better. Finding a way to knowing there is nothing wrong with you.  Finding peace with the past and loving yourself when it feels impossible. 

Tools for survival - Finding solutions to emotional pain

Today is a milestone birthday for me which always gives me a lot to think about. I spent the day yesterday shopping with a friend and having a celebration meal. Today I am working in my studio and just thinking about where I have been and where I might like to go.

A year ago I started drawing again I love portrait drawing but I never really felt good enough. I have always wanted to focus on art but never got much courage along the way. A few years ago I was thinking of taking an out of town class as a birthday gift and I sent some of my work and the response was "at least you will be starting from scratch".

The world is a hard place and people are the same kids you knew in school in larger bodies. Insecure and wanting to make sure that no one gets ahead of them. To succeed means someone else must fail.

I have been a child most of my life not knowing the trauma of my childhood left me with survival tools that once past the initial trauma left me with a distorted since of life. 

I became super sensitive to everything around me reading the mood of the room and the players around me. I had been hurt and the child inside was trying to make sure I was prepared for the next blow. I was constantly on guard. This saved me as I became an adult. 

The problem for me is that I blamed myself for these things that happened to me. A child always thinks they are the center of the problem because they are children. Like I child I tried to be better more accommodating more attractive. I knew what you wanted before you even asked for it. I made other peoples lives run smoothly while staying invisible as much as possible. I did not want to be a target.

I have been drawing the people in my life that I feel like I need to forgive or at least see if I need to forgive. You can't stare a face and draw every inch of it over and over without finally letting go. 

I also draw myself on Sunday's because I need to forgive myself. I use a mirror because live practice is the best practice.  I am always surprised when I think I have gotten the likeness right and I come back later and it isn't right. Distortion this is what we do in this life.

We see things the way we have to see them to survive and then when we are ready the truth is revealed. Can we forgive ourselves for living in denial for so long? 

I have worked so hard to prevent pain and suffering from happening to me.  I thought if I could be good enough - spiritual enough - kind enough that I could prevent this. When more trauma happened I turned on myself and decided I was just unlovable and even repelled the people who were suppose to love me.

What I know now is that the survival skills that saved me in childhood kept me in a world of defense most of my life. I braced myself for every possible incoming pain and never just relaxed and enjoyed the life I had. I was trying to make sure my life stayed perfect and I stayed at arm length we people and picked people that did the same.

This year I have come to the end of my attachment to the past. The EMDR along with talking and drawing therapy his rid me of the rut of blaming others and blaming myself for what I have endured.

It has smoothed over the ruts created over the years. The places my mind wants to go when I am sad or lonely. Well worn stories of love lost and the painful feelings of abandonment. I was abandoned by my family when I needed them the most. I became a person that survived with the tools I found along the way.

I attached myself to people who were like me with their own tools  survival. Nothing healthy or lasting just sharing the pain together until it didn't work anymore. 

I want to be free to live and enjoy my life without trying to solve the puzzle of me. It has been a worthwhile pursuit and obviously I had to do it to get to where I am and I hope I have helped others along the way but now I just want to enjoy the day and live in acceptance of what is now. I am grateful for the journey. 

Living with alcoholism - Addiction is isolating - being enough

I am in full blown creative mode which hasn't left me much time for my life long pastime of regurgitating the story of my life. I feel unstuck for the first time ever. I attribute this to counseling and having someone actually give me feedback that it is not my fault that my life turned out like it did and I can let go of thinking there is something wrong with me because I am not like most people. I could never conform even when I wanted to.  

Believe me I tried during my early years aiming for the picture perfect like. I was ambitious and pushed my husband as hard as I could to create the life I thought would make us happy. We both had tough childhoods losing our mothers at 11 and raising ourselves after leaving home early.  We were children raising children with a lot wrong ideas in our heads. 

I think we both did alright ultimately even though I really don't know emotional how things are for him. I know he raised two boys and on on his twitter account is says "God let me be the man my children think I am".  

We were in our 20's and had a lot of baggage and he medicated his with alcohol and anger. I medicated mine with him.  The kind person I met and fell in love with disappeared little by little over our nine year marriage.  I thought that it was somehow my fault. There was something wrong with me and I was not enough.  I use to be enough and to keep him I would have to try harder. I would have to be perfect to keep him happy. 

I tried to be perfect an meet his every demand but nothing worked. I soon became a target and the intimacy we had known as two motherless people finding our way together was over. He used my secret insecurities as weapons making me feel that it was my fault that he wasn't happy. I believed him because he was the only one in my life. 

Addition is isolating and the nature of the disease is that it is - cunning - baffling - powerful. I was a girl then in love and I hand met the one person I thought understood me and actually saw me. The idea of not being enough or even normal has been the theme of life.

I think I stayed stuck for so long because I didn't have anyone telling me otherwise. Al-Anon help me to have a better relationship with myself and I moved on. When the same relationship happened a second time for the same reasons I went back to believing it was me. How could I have repeated the same relationship again. This time there wasn't any verbal abuse it was more like my childhood just indifference. Still alcohol still infidelity but at least no verbal abuse. Progress I guess.

I rounding out my counseling and feel actually like I can be really free for once. I feel open and capable instead of living in my usual dome of protection. I am letting people back into my life and actually feel ready give instead living on the defense.  

It feels strange really to feel so empty of pain from the past. This week I went back to a portrait class I helped support almost 9 years ago and they were really happy to see me. I was in such pain back then and only wanted to survive. I could never have imagined feeling the freedom I feel now. 

 

Finding Peace - Energy - Letting Go

I saw a video explaining one persons version of how energy works between people and how when you let go of someone suddenly you get a call.  This has happened to me so many times especially with the intense addictive relationships where as long as I was grasping they were running.  Sometimes even the day I felt like I truly let go I would get that long desired call.

Depending on my spiritual maturity at that time I would move on or start grasping again. The videos explanation was that we are like energetic magnets and when we are incomplete without someone or something our wanting actually repels the very person or thing we want.  

This spoke to me on some many levels of attraction. How if you just think of someone without the "I wish they would call me" and you stay neutral then suddenly they call. I can also relate that to customers if I really like someone and I can't wait to work with them they seem to disappear maybe my neediness is driving them away. This has happened so many times.

I have been making a lot of progress in my counseling sessions even though you would think at this age I have addressed it all.  I feel a freedom that I have have never felt before really ever. I attribute this to the use of EMDR and also my willingness to really to see my misguided (immature)  thinking and "let go" the theme of the blog.

I have spent my life wanting things to be different than they have been and then blaming myself for causing these things to happen. Then I stayed mad I myself for not just moving on and accepting that this is how it is. The brain I was given is constantly striving for improvement and working towards a goal.  This is great for getting things done but not for just accepting that somethings happen to us that is totally out of our control and not our fault. I want to be in charge.

I have ended up just isolating thinking I was the problem and didn't trust myself to not make another mistake. The immature side of me really believed I could out smart pain and loss. Sadly I am human and have to live the life of ever human before me and wasting what time I have left trying to solve the unsolvable it crazy. 

I will never measure up to the version I have of myself or the version of my future all I have is today and even that is not completely reliable. Life is random and we can never be prepared for what lays before us good or bad. What I have found for myself is to just think about the possibility of joy today. In my mind I also imagine feeling joy in the future what ever that looks like for me. 

Right now I am heading towards creativity and enjoying today without grasping or feeling like I am coming up short by not meeting my own expectations. I do have big fussy goals for a life that feels joyful. Despite what comes I will be able to feel joy even if it is just the small things. I will be okay no matter what I can find the place inside where I feel peace.

I will accept that even when things seem scary or out of control that all I can do to help things is to maintain a place of peace within. I will not add to the energy of fear or hate that will only give it more power.  

Living Solo - The ups and downs of finding myself

I think I mentioned this before but I am rereading a book called Canyon Solitude by Patricia C. McCairen.  I believe she was the first woman to solo down the Colorado river in 1994. This book is a coming of age story or really one persons journey of ridding herself of layers of the person she was told to be and the person she actually is inside.

By the time her solo trip takes place she has made that transformation with all the usual doubts popping up when you spend so much time alone. She has gone from a corporate NY job to living sometimes in the wilderness in a tee pee during winter with temperatures below zero. Not my idea of finding oneself but it is a good read.

It doesn't really deal with much of that just the daily the rituals of the trip with a few antidotes of how she arrived at securing permission to solo down the Colorado River.  The way it is written speaks to me and makes me realize that my quest to be my truest self is one of ups and downs and doubts and fears. I know I am not alone in this world on my quest. 

Counseling has really helped get to the heart of some of my false beliefs.  The part of my story that has laid the foundation of not believing I am lovable. She said I thought I was a victim in my relationships but I don't think that is true.  Yes in the beginning when I decide to leave home at 16 to protect my own sanity I did think - "why me?" I mostly have thought that it was because of who I was that made people reject me. 

By the time I left home my life had continuously about about survival. I learned that people really only care about themselves even though they are adults and you are their responsibility.  I know that everyone is just trying to survive and it is a rare person that can see past their own pain to help guide someone else.  It was such freedom to just accept I was my own responsibility and didn't have to maneuver around the wants and needs of my sick family.  

I became the same as them and built a wall between myself and the people I loved. Don't get me wrong I was there to bail them out or talk them off a ledge but I never wanted to burden anyone already hurting with my wants and needs. I did let one person break through emotionally and that ended in manipulation and fear and left me a shell of a person. 

I have over the years layer by layer removed the lies of my internal story.  The layers of painful things that happened to me that I took so personally thinking that these incidents proved that I was flawed in a permanent way. There was something about me that warranted being cast aside by the people that said they loved me.   

The real flaw was not showing that I was human and needed support too.  I surrounded myself with people who were happy to just take the support without having to give support in return. It felt like the perfect match until I had a crisis or I became weary and resentful in my role as giver. When this happens I withdraw and they find a replacement for me. 

I am not that person anymore and have lived neither giving or taking for a long time. Just like the woman on the boat I have become accustom to traveling solo and know I can do that. I have reached a point where I am looking for others like me who have become comfortable with who they are an just want companionship. I don't want to rescue anyone and I don't want to be rescued. I want to find adventure and peace together if possible.

Motivation - Gratitude - Depression

Motivation.  I have been lucky in my life that I am a very motivated person in our house we were taught that you need to be constantly contributing.  I think it is more than that for me I always want to be moving forward and I am really uncomfortable just relaxing and taking a time out.

The act of doing is just who I am. I remember sitting at the kitchen table as a kid annoyed because I had to come in and eat dinner. I had things to get done and eating was low on my priority list.  My mother compromised and would agree if I ate the vegetables on my plate I could leave the table.  This took about a minute and then I would be gone. 

In my life I have always been motivated except when depressed. When the depression was related to grief I never  feel guilty or beat myself up for doing nothing. I was doing something I was grieving and that took all my energy.

When my life went black and I experience something past grief more like shock I felt paralyzed and unable to do anything and I hated myself. I believed that I would feel that way forever and for that reason I didn't want to live. I tried all my usual tricks to get past this comatose existence and nothing worked.  

This is depression on a scale that is hard to describe to anyone that hasn't experienced it. My brain constantly worked on a solution for the nothing I felt. This searching went on 24/7 without a break.  In the past when I experience grief I took to my bed and could sleep 12 hours to escape the sadness and loss. This time I was different I couldn't sleep.

I have to repeat this story on days like today because I am not motivated to do anything on my mental list. It is my day off and I feel flat. I had an exhausting week and was irritable all day yesterday and knew I needed to not take on anything big.  I read a book and did my laundry hoping that today I would get something done. I am still un-motivated today.

I did get on the treadmill for 30 minutes and do feel better. I am listening to old 70's Rock where singers other than the originals are singing the songs. Really good but just a tiny bit off. When I am flat I have to remember that this is what happens when I need a time out. Being bored and uninspired is when your mind and spirit is regrouping.

I do want to say one more thing my depression. It was triggered by a life changing event out of my control. I didn't seek medical help because I didn't have insurance eventually I did and found out that my thyroid was out of wack. I had stopped eating because I was just not interested and this didn't help. When I started getting treated for my thyroid my mood swings leveled off and I started eating again. The shock of my situation affecting my physically as well as emotionally. 

With my depression I never considered a physical connection I just thought I have to just hang in there and hope tomorrow will be better. After a long recovery and I am grateful that I did recover and my self hatred changed to compassion and I am grateful not to be there anymore. I can appreciate that it is okay not to feel motivated every day. 

EMDR - Can I actually be joyful?

This is the time of year for doing stuff clearing out the cobwebs and evaluating where I am and where I am going. I got an email from the Master Gardening program letting me know that I can apply again.  It is funny just how important that was to me last year along with winning yard of the  month.  It seems pretty silly now and I not really interested in either. 

I wanted something to sink my teeth into to force myself to commit to learning something new. I didn't want to be still and address the restlessness I was feeling. It is the minds way of running. I have had to dig a little deeper this past year and with some professional help I have made some surprising discoveries. I feel lighter and today I actually woke up ready to embrace the day instead of bracing myself for the day. 

I am still seeing the counselor and with the EMDR I am really getting into my core issues. The issues from childhood that have been the foundation of ever decision I have made throughout my life. The usual - not being enough and some surprises like - I have been mad I my mother for not telling me she was going to die and that she didn't like me. Over time I have translated this into - I am not likable. The counselor there to question these beliefs and showing me how I could be wrong. Mind blowing. 

It is uncomfortable to face this kind of truth and tears are in my eyes now. I have based my whole life on the idea that I am unlikable an idea created by a child and then as and adult I then gathering proof the this idea was true over and over again.  

As an adult I see that mother was sick and thinking she my die and worried that I wasn't good at conforming and would have problems and she wouldn't be here. Part of this maybe true but the counselor pointed out the fact that she turned me loose to do whatever I wanted was proof that she knew I would be alright. I was a leader and wouldn't be convinced to do anything stupid or dangerous. She was sick and didn't have to worry about me. 

I was mad at her because she didn't tell me that she might not make it. Even if she was thinking it my daddy didn't let anyone say anything negative because his last hope was that God was going to heal her. I believe them because I was a child and you believe that your parents are telling the truth. 

I never imagined I could experience these of breakthroughs I think the EMDR therapy distracts you brain from its usual blocking mechanisms for difficult memories. With the counselor guidance and wisdom you get down to where the core beliefs came from. 

I have always thought she loved me but really didn't like me. I knew I was alone from that point on when even my mom didn't like me. This was my child's perspective and is the basis for the story I have been telling myself all my life. I was a child and this is how I explained this to myself. 

I am growing leaps and bounds these days. I have always felt that we start out life like a shinny ball and then life happens. Layers of wet blankets are thrown over us and we adapt to the weight until the shinny person we started out as disappears. 

I didn't willing faced my demons I was forced to face the pain of those outer layers when I was left by my husband at 30. The only person I had ever trusted left me and couldn't go on. I went to therapy and then Al-Anon until I felt relief and thought I was done but life dished me out another round that showed me I was far from it. I had another breakthrough but lately I have felt something missing.  I am happy and content but not joyful and really didn't think joy was possible.  I have felt moments of joy lately something I have only experienced with new love.  

I really think I am starting to see that original shine I once had. It feels strange and even a little scary but I am ready to relax and let myself be joyful.