Owl - Spiritual Sighting - Depression - Freedom

I sat eye to eye with a Barred owl on my porch this morning.  I haven't seen one in while and never in the morning but today is a little over cast resembling twilight. He or she was looking me straight in the eyes and I just stayed still and looked back. It took off and I thought the moment was over but it moved to a closer branch. 

The wild can be spectacular but also represents life at its most basic a short time after this the owl met its mate and had breakfast. From the sound of it a birds nest on the other side of the water this was very sad to me but part of all or our existence really. The natural order of survival.

My screened porch is on the second story with only trees and water for a back yard.  This is reason I bought this house for this porch and the tree house effect.  When I was sick this is where I spent most of  my time.

Before I bottomed out and was still running from my inevitable breakdown I invited my friends over once a week and we practice group meditations holding hands by candle light for sometimes up to an hour. One evening a huge owl showed up and flapped his great wings just a few feet from the screen. It felt foreboding and we said very little that night. We all had things we were dealing with at the time.

Spiritually seeing Barred owls is suppose to represent deep understanding because they have black eyes unlike most owls. It is suggested that you should take time out and evaluate where you are and know that you are connected spiritually as much as physically to this world and to a higher understanding. 

During the pandemic we have all been given this opportunity to stop and be awake to who we are on the inside.  It can be extremely disturbing to be alone with yourself for a long time.  This is what I was running from all those years ago.

I knew there was a darkness withing me that would consume me if I faced it. I wasn't sure what it was so I ran until I was so exhausted I collapsed into myself.  I was paralyzed in the darkness but couldn't do anything about it.  My moment of grace was one day I was sitting on the floor of that same porch and in my mind I heard "you are doing this to yourself".

I wasn't sure exactly what that meant at the time but I let go that very moment and stopped resisting where I was and leaned into the sadness. I stopped saying to myself "I don't want to be here anymore".  I just let go and stopped trying to figure out why this was happening to me. Before that I was thinking that I could find a solution to my pain if I just kept going over the past. 

It was strange because there wasn't really anything to lean into. I had exhausted myself trying to figure out what I had done to cause this to happen to me. Letting go gave me time to rest my mind and when I stopped running and turned to face the blackness nothing happened. 

I was empty at this point.. What happened next was a long uncomfortable time of nothingness. I felt like an empty shell walking around.  The past and the person I was was gone. The layers and layers of the person I had created over the years did not exist anymore it felt so strange but in a good way.  

I started over and looked at everything with fresh eyes.  I could see that my suffering was caused by believing that there was something about myself that was unlovable and that was why everyone left me behind. In my emptiness I could see even if that was true the one person that could love me was me. I could  give myself the love and compassion that I needed. It wasn't easy to do that at first because I thought you were only lovable if other people loved you.  

Even if you think God loves you in the back of your mind there are conditions. Meeting God's expectations as translated by your own mind. I had to win my own mind over convincing myself that I was lovable first before I could be open to love outside myself. This probably sounds really weird but this is my story of how I became a peaceful happy person.

I have done the right thing for other people for a long time. I was loving and thoughtful anticipating their needs but there was something missing.  I thought they deserved love and kindness but I didn't. I surrounded myself with people that were just like me unavailable emotionally. I was loved as much as I loved myself which was not so much and definitely not the love I imagined was out there for me. 

The love I have found is inside myself makes me enough. I have changed my life down to my eating habits and the people I associate with as  part of the process of giving myself the love I deserve. I have felt so free and happy and open to what life has to offer.  Open to new people and who knows maybe even a new love. 

The owl sighting today did make me think about my life on that porch and all that I have gone through there.  I am a new person and have learned a lot about how my life has been about moving between my earthly existence and my spiritual existence. I can be at peace now for the first time  without wanting something more.  

 

 

I am not broken - Earned love - I am enough

We have been open here a few weeks and I have been busy.  In the zone with an unending list of things I have to get done and being so focused that hours and hours go by without a break.  This is my usual method of working or even when I am not working.  I use to beat myself up about it because my play looks like work to other people. 

I once was on a cruise and I thought "what a waste of time" eating and drinking and watching silly shows. I like to learn things all the times even my hobbies are the hobbies are about getting things done.  I use to read but I think I read myself out a few years back.  To recharge I watch positive funny movies or shows that people with skills compete. 

I realized I am just a person that is built for work and I should celebrate that about myself. Since grade school I have offered my services - art classes or products - fake finger nails made from Elmer's glue to the heavy stuff in high school - copying parents signatures for customers that needed excuses.  It never occurred to me that this was dishonest.  I was just providing a service that was needed an making a few bucks.

In the past when I hung out with other people I needed a drink to quell this desire to be moving and learning. When I cooked that kept me on the move and focused on the next task.  Plus crowds or groups are too stimulating to me and I have to flee. 

Living alone has really anchored me in a way I have never experienced before.  The peace and the lack of people wanting me to be involved and mainly take charge of a particular situation. A crisis manager and I am good at that for sure but I have done enough of that in my life. My work gives me plenty of interaction with other people and plenty of problem solving.

I can accept that this is who I am and that I should be proud of what I have accomplished in my life. I am not broken because I don't fit into the social norms of this society. I have always been a leader not a follower and even if I have envied people that have their specific place in life. I have even tried to conform and be more like those people but it never sticks. It ultimately makes me sick and depressed when I try to go along with the crowd or do what I am told without question. 

I can finally stop wanting to be different and celebrate who I am. I can stop thinking I need to earn love from others by taking care of them when they didn't want to take of me. Earning a right to be there being good enough to be wanted.

I don't believe in unconditional love accept from dogs maybe and even they would leave you for a big juicy bone.  Everyone has there limits and have to take care of themselves love from afar.  This is really a healthy thing where you can know from the inside that you can love and take care of yourself and not expect someone else to validate you.

I do believe in love for sure and I have been loved and maybe I was loved more because of that extra care taking I was providing.  I and did those things out of love and without expecting anything back but it got old and eventually felt one sided. I really needed to take of myself with the same intensity. 

I am strong and happy these days and accepting who I am.  I am not 100% enjoying handing my life back over to my work but I will make time to finish my projects at home eventually.  I am happy to have the business. Accepting and loving yourself opens you up for healing no matter how deep the wounds. 

Finding balance - A prison cell or a place of comfort

It has been hectic here with everyone putting there toe into the water and experiencing life post pandemic with specific rules for living. It seems a mixed bag since we don't have any detail guidelines from our fearless leader.  I watched the governor of New York take an hour to go step by step on how businesses should handle reopening there and thought "wow clear instructions- how refreshing."

I went and got my hair done on Saturday.  I know we are lucky or maybe not to be able to do some normal activities in our lives.  Who ever thought that a salon could be life threatening. It was a mixed bag with all the staff wearing mask and some of us patrons wearing ours. One larger red face man wasn't wearing one and he looked like he might have stopped by the bar before deciding to get a hair cut. Clearly not concerned with a pandemic. Everyone steered clear of  him if they could.

I get it people feeling like let's just get on with life especially if you can't feed your family.  Most people can't afford to not work and we can't just shut the world down forever.  If your older you have experienced a lot of life and maybe feel it is worth the risk to enjoy the time you have left.

We don't know the future and we don't know where this virus is going. It is the nature of viruses to adapt quickly to any hostile environment and it adapting depending on the person it is infecting. A moving target which reminds me of tracking hurricanes.  How the "cone of uncertainty" is watched constantly and is never accurate.  Even when it does hit one house might be wiped out and the one next door untouched. Maybe one is built better than the other.

Life is a gamble and we have to choose for ourselves what we are willing to risk to move forward. For myself I am staying six feet away from other people when I can and I am wearing a mask when I can't. I am meeting people daily with my work but I don't have a family or anyone to bring the virus home to so that makes a difference.  It is my choice to get on with life.

For those people still on lock down I feel for you and hope you can find ways to entertain yourself.  It is spring and nature is waking up and there is a lot to do.  I find just opening a window helps me to feel more free like I am not in a box.

I have to admit that I am built for isolation and enjoy be exiled to my home. It is my favorite place.  I use to beat myself up about not wanting to be social. I was very social for a lot of years but found it draining emotionally.  It made me feel like I was normal and like I had a family,  I liked creating something that other people enjoyed even though most of the time I was isolated in the kitchen.

During this time I have really embraced that part of me that prefers my own company.  It makes makes me feel less awkward being told to isolate. It has given me permission to be myself instead of wishing I was more like other people.

I get a lot of interaction with my profession and an equal amount of time alone and if  I can balance those two things I feel happy and content. Finding your own peace is what life is all about.  We are all locked inside our heads all the time and we have to decide whether it is a prison cell or the most interesting and comforting place we can be.

Committing to myself - Mind games - Being appreciated

I tore my deck up yesterday.  I knew this was coming but I don't like to commit mentally or physically in advance to these kinds of projects because it scares me too much.  I start thinking to myself "what if I can't put it back together?" I know once I get into it I will figure it out but the commitment terrifies me.

One thing about getting older and really knowing yourself is that you know the way your own mind works and if you are quiet you can identify the fear that lies beneath. My fear always surfaces when I think "I can't do this or worse I don't want to do this by myself".

At this point of fear I usually want to eat something.  The moment feels like too much and I want to run away.  Before no carbs this meant the M&M's from the vending machines upstairs at work. Now it means more than a few cashews or almonds.  If I am rested and focused I can identify that moment of dreading something and just stop and see it for what it is a moment of doubt.

I am a strong person and have battled my way through a lot obstacles wishing someone would swoop in and save me from them or at least help me. I have rarely experienced that someone willing to just say "hey I can help you with that what do you need done?" This has been my lifetime fantasy.

I remember once at Thanksgiving I met my aunt and uncle at their son's house a few hours from where I live.  The guys were outside and came into the house and said your tire is low would like us to take it up to the corner and get it checked.  It was so weird to have someone think about me an my welfare. Even now just writing about this makes me emotional.

I have taken care of myself my whole life and when I was younger I was afraid to depend on anyone to do anything for me. My choice of friends and partners were either just like me autonomous or they just let me do everything.  My most recent ex would do whatever I ask but never considered me otherwise.

I blame myself for being "Autonomous - Declining all outside contributions" This is from Al-Anon about how the program doesn't accept donations from people that might want something in return.
Yesterday I did some emotional dumpster diving looking up my ex and finding what seemed like happiness displayed through social media. I promptly went outside and tore up my deck.

I have never wanted that life back since it was split apart without warning but my life hasn't turned out how I imagined it would. I never longed those times when I was the caretaker of someone else is life and was rarely even seen. My part of this is that I liked it that way being the rock which everything was built on. I knew this part well being invisible.

I am not that person anymore and I am happier than I have ever been being on my own and being visible to myself and a few other people willing to actually see me. I can appreciate what I bring to my own table and not feel like if something were to happen to me that the people that say they love me would disappear like they have in the past.

I have forgiven myself for the choices I have made because I did my best.  The child in me just wanted to be loved, cared for and cherished.  I thought if I was always contributing someone would see me and say "thanks so much - what would we do without you?"  This is what a child wants to be seen and thanked or at least acknowledged.

My mother would ask me to clean my room and after I was finished I couldn't wait to show her the results. "Come see what a great job I have done" this usually ended in "if only you could keep it this way".  Not quite good enough I am sure this isn't what she meant.  I have heard the same thing come out of my sister's mouth. We were always striving for better in our house compliments were few and far between. It was meant to keep us humble and it worked.

So I tore up my deck and feel pretty drained today and slept about nine hours.  I don't carry this stuff around too long anymore maybe a few hours because I know that I have done best.  I am happy with the day I have before me or at least what is left of it.

Whether you are a mother or not this mother's day when someone does something right just point that out to them and thank them for giving of themselves. We are never too old to hear that what we have contributed has been seen by the people we love. I know I have been guilty of this myself plenty of times but I am going to keep trying to see the effort. 

What has been lost and what has been found

There has been a number of mile stones in my life that have changed the person that I am today.  They say the earlier the tragedy the longer it takes to overcome those life events. It is not impossible if you can believe that how you feel right now is not permanent. Your situation is not unique and out there somewhere someone has experienced and overcome the same thing. It is believing you are alone and permanently broken that keeps you in a box of your own making forever.

Right now a lot of people are feeling the same way and at least we all know it. I do think that finding a self help group or a community is the beginning of finding a better place emotionally as long as you are there to commiserate and be stuck with other people that are stuck.   ]In the 12 step program they say "take what you like and leave the  rest".  This is my life motto and the only reason I could stay. 

In my own life I have experienced some serious breaks of my spirit.  First the loss of my mother to cancer at eleven and then the subsequent breaking apart of what was left of my immediate family. I married an alcoholic that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with that left me alone after almost a decade. Then I met someone who I trusted again who left after 13 years.

If you have read my blog you know way too much about all of these things but my point here is that I thought my situation was unique and that I was alone with all the feelings I was having.  I am a strong person who because of these things I am changed forever and I know that I will make it no matter what but this wasn't always the case.

I have a picture in my closet of a party with a group of ten people that at the time were my friends.  I only see one them now and when I am feeling low my mind tells me "this is your fault. You are unlovable and you deserve to be alone." What a mean to say and I know it isn't true.

I have loved big and have been there for a long time for many people in my life and I don't regret any of those relationships.  They have shaped the person I am today. I also know that I am forever moving forward emotionally and spiritually and this is not how most people live.  People want you to stay the same and they want me to stay with them.

It is in our nature scientifically to find the most efficient path each day and stay with it. Our brains in an effort to survive want things to be predictable and as simple as possible. We love a routine but hate boredom this is why we inevitably take things for granted.  The job we hated suddenly isn't there anymore or annoying family member that gives us grief for not visiting we now can't visit.

We dreamed of getting away from work to be home with the family and now we dream of going back to get away from those same people. I spoke to a woman this week at work who is working part time at home with her two kids and she said they just won't listen and do there school work.

This time at home although very short for me personally is a time to evaluate what we are doing with our lives. Living mindlessly day to day like our brain wants we can miss the obvious things right in front of us and it takes real courage to be awake and really live each day. Actually seeing and hearing people instead of hurrying on to the next thing as quickly as possible.

I spent the first half of my life just trying to get over every trauma. Someone much older than me said once "stop wishing your life away".  I always wanted things to be easier and always thought "I must be doing something wrong".  This was my own immaturity having raised myself. I thought the things that were happening to me made me unique.  I missed the joy of each day and the people in my life planning for tomorrow.

I am mostly peaceful now and living through the traumas in my life has taught me well that ____ happens and you can either let it swallow you or you can wait and be patient and it will change. I will warn you that it isn't always for the better at first but it will work out.

I didn't always believe this when I was left for the third time I suffered a breakdown of sorts. After 13 years I was left alone this coupled with the recession, menopause and a thyroid condition I wanted my life to be over everyday. Most people ran from me or I ran from people because they wanted something from me. I could barely live each day and the one friend still in my life now didn't. They were content to just let me be instead wanting me to change back.

The person I was even last year doesn't exist anymore but I am okay with that because I have done my best and today I am safe and happy. I have no idea what tomorrow will look like but today looks pretty good. I want to know but it isn't in my power to know so why waste another minute on wishing my life away.

My final word in this post may sound crazy but living in the present or at least today requires looking at all the small stuff we are doing like the food we are eating. Our brain wants a constant feed of sugar or carbs and we may think "comfort like mom use to make" is the answer but this is as addictive as any drug out there. It does sedate you temporarily but then you want more and more.

I use to think I wanted that bowl of tortillas because I just like them but it wasn't true.  Once I was able to reduce the carbs in my life I never craved another thing. Even when I slipped and ate something it didn't really taste good and then I stayed hungry for the rest of the day. I wonder now that if I knew this when I was so depressed would it have lasted as long as it did. I really didn't know I could be this happy despite a pandemic.