Making space work for me - Time out

I am spontaneously taking this week off. The timing is about as right as it is going to be with work and I have some big projects coming up at the end of the month. I am not going to try to see my family - they are not vaccinated and my other family is waiting for their booster shots before seeing anyone. After my recent exposure staying home seems reasonable to me. 

I like staying home and giving my life a little space. I deal in physical spaces every day in my business but this is space to regroup in my personal life.  As everyone has learned with the pandemic space can be awkward with time and no plan.  Even though I love being on my own I have to resist just filling my day with a to list.  For me after a day or so I began to relax and enjoy the freedom.

I am working daily on honing my drawing skills realizing that practicing and studying will eventually take me where I want to go. If  I use the 10,000 hour rule and practice one hour a day it will take about about four years to get where I want to go.  This does seem daunting but really what is one hour a day in the scheme of things.

I wrote down some goals or future intentions. I like putting my intentions on paper and it has worked for me past. I have found those list years later and seeing some of those intentions did come true. I am a visual person and I like to see the words.

I am inspired right now although it feels like things in the rest of my are shifting. I have prepared the best I can without a crystal ball so that is all I can do. I feel that even though I have been through a lot in my life that I have made it under extreme circumstances.

This week I will do whatever I feel inspired to do and if that is nothing that is okay too. We need time and space to step back and make decisions on what we want and it is hard to do that when we are just getting through each day.

With the pandemic a lot people are re-evaluating what is important and have gotten use to a different life and staying home with the people they love. We have be forced to reflect on our world and decide do we go back to the way things were or do we keep this quieter world we have found. Maybe we can combine both who know. 

Breaking lifetime patterns - Starting over - self appreciation

I have always looked for some kind of confirmation from other people to be sure that I was good enough. Especially from the people closest to me just waiting for them to say " what a great job you have done."  This makes me think about when I was a kid and my mother made me clean my room and I would show her the result and she would point out something I missed or comment that it was my room and I should keep it clean for myself.

This was my family mind set and my sister has also parented the same way.  No one ever says a good word of encouragement and for a child you hear "you are not enough."  I think this leads to trying constantly to meet the expectations of those around us. People love it too and they love you until something happens and you just can't be your old pleasing self anymore. 

You hit a wall of being used up. You don't know you are used up until it happens. I watched the movie "The Breakup" last night which is painful to watch. I have been in this kind of relationship many times. For my part I would quietly do the things that I always did seeing myself as being the best person I could be for the relationship and the other person doing just what they wanted all the time. 

It is their right to do this and it was my right to imagine I was participating in an equal relationship.  This isn't just the happily ever after relationships even friendships can feel so one sided. They like you because you are reliable and will always be there if they need something. 

I don't think anyone is to blame it is just a good match.  I do think it is my fault that I didn't know I need to be appreciated. Being appreciated was like getting approval from my mother who always withheld that appreciation. By the time my stepmother came alone I was eager to please and when I pleased her then good things happened sometimes.

I think my point is with this post is that these are patterns laid done in our brain early and when they are repeated we think they are a part of who we are permanently. It is the repetition the makes them harder to get rid of. I have chosen to change this pattern.

I realize I have been my own worst enemy though out my life. First I always wanted something or someone to make me feel better about myself.  I wanted someone to make me feel like I was safe and secure. My long term relationships have been mostly with stalkers who made me feel in the beginning that I was really perfect. This filled the emptiness and self doubt I had about myself. I loved that intensity that quickly faded when they found out I was just a regular person.

I found out that I could not show weakness of vulnerability. This was the kiss of death when you are suppose to be perfect. Unfortunately life dishes out things you just can't cope with and sometimes you do need help. This is when you find out what kind of relationship you have.

I am happy today without those people in my life. Would I try again with someone new? Sure. I am not thinking a relationship is something I need but maybe something I want. 

I am my own mother now giving myself encouragement when I need it and even praise for a job well done. When I am lonely and tired I just rest and call someone. I don't beat myself up for having a down day. I know that tomorrow will be better. 

I use to want perfection or at least productivity every day but sometimes I just need to rest and recharge and leave my to do list for tomorrow. I can do this without worrying it is the start of a pattern of laziness.  I have accomplish a lot in my life and now I am focused on becoming a more accomplished artist.  This is just for me and I am having a blast. 

Controlling my ADD and OCD - Being enough - You bother me too

 I have had an up and down week - really up on Thursday afternoon when I worked on straightening out my new studio room.  Because I am ADD with a little OCD  mixed in I can spend a lot of time getting ready to do something. Organizing is my thing and getting everything just right is my game.  What happens when I do get it right my mind wants to constantly tweak it over and over. 

This makes me an excellent designer and I have an eye to get everything just right. Unfortunately when I am trying to accomplish a task the actually task never gets done. Always in a state of preparing for something not doing the thing.  After a lifetime of living with this I just make myself dive in and start working even if it is in a heap of mess on my desk. I just focus on the task and stay with it until I am finished. Blocking out my surroundings.

I did take the afternoon to organized and sort through all the stuff I have carried from other rooms to the studio.  I had a ladder in there with a bunch of tools where I replaced the ceiling fan last week with a 2 x 2 flush mount led light with 5000k bulbs.  The problem with getting older is there is not enough light ever. Now I am able to see perfectly with the daylight bulb.

I have been practicing portrait drawings from the 100 faces in 10 day challenge. The challenge is over and I am doing more like 10 faces a week. I have be drawing tiny little faces for some reason which is really different for me. I am using mechanical pens to get the details.

Now for the rest of the down part of the week starting with an angry man yelling at me because the price of what he wanted is higher than what he imagined. This is my world with pricing and the expectation of others. Usually it isn't the in my face kind of reaction - no mask either. 

The week went on and Wednesday without knowing it I was exposed to Covid by a coworker. He had it before but has never worn a mask. It is rare that we interact but he came into the office where I was talking to someone else.  It was Friday afternoon before I found out I had been exposed. I have been vaccinated and hope that between that and my excellent immune system I will be fine.  I exposed my customer on Friday they were not wearing mask. 

It is tricky out there because all this is so complicated for the brain. We just want a clear choice and we want to just dig in to one thing.  We were made to make simple choices every day to stay alive. That is how we operate not really weighing 20 options and then carefully deciding what is the right one. This is why we only listen to people that agree with us or even look like us because that is the way we are wired. 

I just heard a scientist say for someone to change a childhood core belief it takes 2 years. It isn't fun to be the person questioning their beliefs.  I have spent my whole life analyzing the beliefs I have in my head and figuring out where they came from and whether they serve me now as an adult. 

I know too much now to accept the status quo. I have done too much digging and now I can no longer live in a fairy tale. Being awake hasn't made me happier but it is too late to go back now. I am peaceful and happy most of the time. I accept people where they are unless they are in my face or in my space and then I will stand up for myself. 

No one really knows how they appear to other people especially me.  I have worried about this all my life because I am not everyone's cup of tea an acquired taste one so called friend said. Since I have found happiness in my own solitude I have stop really worrying about it. This has felt like real freedom to me.  I have always felt like I was a bother to people in some way. Now I say - so what! They bother me a lot of times too so I am over it. 

This is what birthdays do to you they tell you - your time is running out so you better get on with it so I am doing art and loving it.  I am pretending I am in school and practicing every day and watching videos about art.

I woke up today tired and a little cranky my new neighbors are having celebrations every Saturday night on their back porch. It was going on until after 1 am.  It is just talking but we live on a small ravine with water and it echos. No music just loud voices of discussion. I am sure they have no idea how loud they sound.  When I had meditation groups on my porch I would say "don't say anything here that you don't want the whole neighborhood to hear."  This is what happens with sound and water. 

I feel better after writing so I am off to do a few chores and some art. 

Spiritual Awakening - Being empty

Last weeks post that didn't get published...

I woke up late today and took my coffee out to the porch.   I heard a loud screeching noise from a flock of birds.  It is very wooded in the back and I noticed a large owl sitting on a branch with dozens of birds flapping around him.  He didn't look like he was that interested and was ignoring them. I wondered what it would be like to get that kind of reception where ever you went. 

We are different from the animals in that we have psychological feelings and the animals don't. I am guessing the doesn't sit around and thinking "why don't these birds like me?"  Maybe asking their mate "what can I do to be more liked?"  She might reply "stop eating there children for a start." 

I think we are the only ones plagued by self awareness and are worried about what other people think of us. We really mostly care about our inner circle but in general we expect everyone to like us. My mother taught me early on that not everyone would like me.  Mostly because we were persecuted Pentecostals.  It was expected that children of God would be outsiders in this world and not understood by the world.

I was comfortable with being on the outside for many reasons. I did help that I could lean on the religious angle to back me up.  It definitely didn't help the way I dressed and the fact that I couldn't participate in the dance session we had every Friday. 

It is funny now that I don't really fit in with the God's chosen group either. I never could buy the whole story that we had the answers and everyone out there was going to burn. I remember asking my daddy "what if we are wrong and those other churches are right?"

 It didn't make sense to me that we would be the lucky ones and all the other nice people were doomed. He was not happy with my many questions and it was the beginning of me having to choose between us and them.

I have lived my life on the fence which is a very insecure place. I haven't been able to believe without question anything really. I can always see the merits of both ideas if you are in the chosen group what better way to feel safe and secure.  It doesn't explain when bad things happen to good people. The story of Job it is all just a test. The holes in all the different  beliefs are the same.

I do believe we all have a spirit and some carry negative energy with them. Their brain has locked in on some event and they are stuck. Eckhart Tole said that he was so stress and agitated that is mind just couldn't take it anymore he had a spiritual awakening.  This is a story many people tell about there spiritual awakening. 

I have experience this myself I had a steady obsessive mind manically looking for the answer to my unhappiness and the negative self talk just kept searching for the answer and then there was nothing. One day I just woke up empty and calm and I have been that way ever since.

I read about this medically that when the brain reaches a point it can't function it basically snaps to protect it'self. I couldn't function any longer where I was and I needed a correction. It felt like nothing I had experienced before. Someone said to me pointing to some books I bought "the person that bought those books is gone aren't they?"  "Yes" was my answer I have no doubt that who I was before "the awakening" has been replaced.

First replaced by nothing and then slowly moved back to the person I was as a child. Without the imprints of sorrow and loss that being human lays upon you. It is an awkward place to be because you can see easily where others are because you have been there but you know you can't really help them. I want to shout "it isn't real" the pain you feel you are causing yourself with the words in your mind. 

I feel like the owl in the tree today just doing my own thing while birds are flying around me screeching. I don't even hear the screeching anymore. I care deeply that others suffer and offer words of encouragement but when your mind is in chaos - you can't hear me - I can't save you.

I do believe those that become addicted probably have a mind like mine.  One that can only be tamed with some kind of substance. It only works temporarily and then you want more. The answer I think is recognizing it is both physical and emotional and dealing with both sides of that is the only answer.