I am still feeling free and happy. Happy isn't a concept I have had a lot of experience with generally. I am content and sometimes peaceful but happy has always been pretty elusive. My mind doesn't even want to analyze why I am happy right now except maybe here on these pages. I feel as though I have been freed from myself. Life doesn't feel like a burden to me anymore just a moment to moment event.
I am busy with work and at home I have been just doing little projects that I have been thinking about a long time but could never get around to them. This is a side effect of depression I think. You are not necessarily sad but the things you do each day just to get through takes it all out of you.
People don't understand that washing dishes can feel like the first steps of a marathon. I have been cooking for the past few months on this diet. Actually going to the store weekly and buying fresh food and cooking for just me. I have never done that before.
I have always been a survivor and a caretaker of other people. The times when I was recovering I didn't think I deserved the same effort I gave to the other people in my life. Everyday was something you just made it through.
To care about yourself is to be selfish. I got that from my mother I think. She died February 15th 1974 after life had taken everything from her. The past few weeks I have been organizing the old family photo and in every picture she has the same fake smile except one. The picture was when she got some award in a high school business club for women.
She was an achiever from the beginning and the life of June Clever did not work for her. She worked until I was five and we moved to a suburb that our preacher built. All the women were full time moms and she conformed and got sick three years later.
We make choices to be what other people want us to be without even know what it is doing to us. We want to fall in line even if everything in our heart go against that. Sometimes people push us but I think it is more about our own view of what a nice or normal person looks like. We hear people say "what kind of person would do something like that to their family?" A desperately unhappy person is what I think.
We get trapped by our own need to belong even if we never feel we do belong. It is a risk to change our lives to better match who we really are and there is no guarantee that we will be happier or that everyone we love will be there with us in the end. No one wants change but we need it to keep the flow going.
My mother did a good job with the time she had with us. From what I remember she ran the family like it was a business. We had a lot of freedom and she taught us how to be self sufficient. She held us to high standards based on the Bible and those never wavered. Everything else was optional.
I wish I had really known her as a person instead of the snippets of memories I hold on to. I don't feel she was happy maybe she was mostly peaceful and content like I have been. I love you mom! If you can hear me.
Saturday, February 16, 2019
Monday, February 11, 2019
Writing -Symbolism - Passion - Spark
I started a new creative writing class at the local college last week. The teacher was just what you might imagine a writing teacher might look like older heavy set and looking like he probably smokes a pipe and hangs out with other writers too many nights a week at the local pub. He spent most of the time name dropping about a local famous writer he knows and what they discuss about writing ending the evening telling us the sacrifices we we would have to make to become a good writer.
During the middle of the evening he gave us examples of terrible writing mistakes his students have made and even one that self published and didn't take his advice and the novel flopped. I felt bad for him because it was clear that maybe life hasn't turned out like he imagined it would or maybe it did.
As an adult and getting a degree at 40 I encountered a lot of unhappy teachers just like when I was in high school some that inspired and some that read the newspaper everyday during class. A good teacher can inspire you like my high school literature teacher Mrs. Myers she taught me about symbolism. Being raised by fundamentalist I had know idea that writers could be using symbolism and the stories could mean a lot of different things. We translated Ray Bradbury's - Something Wicked this Way Comes - it was like solving a puzzle. I still have that same book.
I love that words can make you think and question the truth you have carried in your mind all your life. When I read Scott Pecks - A Road Less Traveled where he talked about the Bible and all the symbolism I decided to take a second look at Christ's teachings. Before that I had abandoned my childhood religion thinking I would never be able to live up to those strict standards.
As far as my teacher goes I am going back tonight with our homework. This is a list of our strengths number 12 - 1 in our ability to write. I of course I do not buy into his idea of suffering for the word or for anything else. You make commitments to things or people you are the most passionate about and sometimes those passions can wane and the excitement just isn't there this is when the commitment keeps you going until something sparks the passion again.
Everything and everyone I love in life started out passionately a feeling that is impossible to maintain. You can abandon it all and begin again losing the time an energy invested to skip off to something or someone more interesting or you can stick with it until a moment when you feel that spark again.
Sometimes you just have to get away from things or even people you love to get a different perspective. The holidays gave me an opportunity to step back from my work. I have to admit I do love it but it has taken over my life. When I had extra time off I decided to try harder to do things outside of work like taking this class. I have also been working on a few other projects around the house. I have been a lot happier and even more inspired at work so it must be working.
I am looking forward to class tonight even though he was a Debbie Downer. I took the class to force me to spend more time writing. Wish me luck.
During the middle of the evening he gave us examples of terrible writing mistakes his students have made and even one that self published and didn't take his advice and the novel flopped. I felt bad for him because it was clear that maybe life hasn't turned out like he imagined it would or maybe it did.
As an adult and getting a degree at 40 I encountered a lot of unhappy teachers just like when I was in high school some that inspired and some that read the newspaper everyday during class. A good teacher can inspire you like my high school literature teacher Mrs. Myers she taught me about symbolism. Being raised by fundamentalist I had know idea that writers could be using symbolism and the stories could mean a lot of different things. We translated Ray Bradbury's - Something Wicked this Way Comes - it was like solving a puzzle. I still have that same book.
I love that words can make you think and question the truth you have carried in your mind all your life. When I read Scott Pecks - A Road Less Traveled where he talked about the Bible and all the symbolism I decided to take a second look at Christ's teachings. Before that I had abandoned my childhood religion thinking I would never be able to live up to those strict standards.
As far as my teacher goes I am going back tonight with our homework. This is a list of our strengths number 12 - 1 in our ability to write. I of course I do not buy into his idea of suffering for the word or for anything else. You make commitments to things or people you are the most passionate about and sometimes those passions can wane and the excitement just isn't there this is when the commitment keeps you going until something sparks the passion again.
Everything and everyone I love in life started out passionately a feeling that is impossible to maintain. You can abandon it all and begin again losing the time an energy invested to skip off to something or someone more interesting or you can stick with it until a moment when you feel that spark again.
Sometimes you just have to get away from things or even people you love to get a different perspective. The holidays gave me an opportunity to step back from my work. I have to admit I do love it but it has taken over my life. When I had extra time off I decided to try harder to do things outside of work like taking this class. I have also been working on a few other projects around the house. I have been a lot happier and even more inspired at work so it must be working.
I am looking forward to class tonight even though he was a Debbie Downer. I took the class to force me to spend more time writing. Wish me luck.
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Denial - Survival - Manipulation
I am happy to be off this weekend. I am still in the purging mode at my house touching everything I own to make sure I still want to own it. I came across the family pictures of mostly dead people now some I know and some I don't. Because I lived in the same city as my Aunt and she was the last surviving sibling on my mother's side I got all the pictures.
In my constant desire for order when I got the pictures originally I separated them by aunts and uncles and thought that I would put them together and send them off to the kids. Now with time I don't really know where the kids are or whether anyone would care at this point.
I also had one file for my grandmother. I have been writing my story and her character is pretty prominent and a character she was. By necessity she was one of the most manipulative people you would ever encounter. Her husband was killed in a sawmill accident when she was 30 leaving her alone with nine kids to support.
Under the circumstances my grandmother became the most resourceful person you can imagine. She never remarried because she said "I don't want another man disciplining my children." She was totally immersed in the the Pentecost even though she was raised Baptist. She never joined the church because they wanted her to be re-baptized and she that the first baptism was in the name of the same Jesus so she refused. Even though the church gave her a piece of land and the materials to build her own house and she did of course.
My grandmother built a very thick wall of denial that rarely was penetrated. She had her own version of everything. She was very opinionated about a lot of things and didn't readily accept new people in her inner circle. She kept most people in that second ring in case she needed something from them. She especially like strangers and they loved her because they were the easiest to maneuver and she hadn't exhausted them the way she did her family.
When my mother was alive grandmother would plan her own birthday party and invite all kinds of people. She had this one lady make her a fancy decorated cake every year as a gift. At my grandmothers funeral the same woman came up to me and said "your grandmother would ask me to do things that even my own mother wouldn't ask me to do." I knew what she meant.
Once my grandmother invited everyone to her party she would call my mother and say "I got 20 people coming for a party at my house tomorrow." knowing my mother would feel like she needed to make that work. I felt for my parents because the wants of my grandmother dominated our household but no one stood up to her. If you said anything she would cry and pout and then quote the Bible about disrespecting your elders. My mother was the youngest and took most of the heat.
I really couldn't understand why she got away with it. Every year we took a trip to visit my aunt in Michigan and up until the last minute she would say she wasn't going. Everyone would beg her to go but she would refuse then at midnight the night before she would call and say she was going. Sometimes when we got to the house at 10 she would still be in bed not packed.
I can see my dad patiently sitting in the car or on my grandmothers porch while my mother helped her pack. This was a regular routine. She did this with her other son in law the day before she was to fly to my wedding and he left her. She manage to get a plane ticket and a neighbor to take her to the airport and got there before my aunt and uncle did.
She loved me almost as much as she loved my mother and after my mothers death and my dad remarried our visits were limited. My dad wouldn't have anything to do with my mother's family after that. Once my uncle stopped by and my dad was cleaning the gutters he never even came down from the ladder. He loved my mother more than life and I think he only tolerated her family for her sake. Once she was gone he was done. I don't think there was malice but he had moved on.
Looking at the pictures of my grandmother mostly on her birthday or Mothers Day always wearing a corsage and usually a hat I see a pretty happy person living a life that only existed in her mind. My mothers death did break denial for a few years. She cried forever until she said God ask her to stop.
When she was afraid or sad she wrote scriptures on random pieces of paper. I have dozens of those writings that I saved. Her faith was unbelievable and kept her going until the end. She died at 85 in 1984 of bone cancer. I can't say I remember too many specifics I was newly married living with active alcoholism and maintaining my own world of denial. My plate was full and couldn't face the loss of the last person who I knew loved me for sure.
It is weird how denial works it protects us from the things we can't bare to see for as long as it takes. Why own up to a life that isn't living up to what we had hoped for? My own life of denial kept me in places far longer than I needed to be there because if I acknowledged the truth I thought it would kill me.
The problem with denial is that no one can reach you and you miss out on real connections. You can avoid immediate grief but it is still there underneath sucking the life of you so you don't feel anything.
I think the research I have been doing on my family has helped me to acknowledge a different reality than the story I have been telling myself. It got too real a couple of times and I to take a break.
I loved my grandmother and I understand the denial that she lived in most of the time. The reality of her many losses was too much for her. She had to survive and take care of her family so in her mind she created her version of reality. She loved me even though I called her out on her manipulating tactics and I can see eyes now behind those glasses with a little grin on her face. She knew that knew.
In my constant desire for order when I got the pictures originally I separated them by aunts and uncles and thought that I would put them together and send them off to the kids. Now with time I don't really know where the kids are or whether anyone would care at this point.
I also had one file for my grandmother. I have been writing my story and her character is pretty prominent and a character she was. By necessity she was one of the most manipulative people you would ever encounter. Her husband was killed in a sawmill accident when she was 30 leaving her alone with nine kids to support.
Under the circumstances my grandmother became the most resourceful person you can imagine. She never remarried because she said "I don't want another man disciplining my children." She was totally immersed in the the Pentecost even though she was raised Baptist. She never joined the church because they wanted her to be re-baptized and she that the first baptism was in the name of the same Jesus so she refused. Even though the church gave her a piece of land and the materials to build her own house and she did of course.
My grandmother built a very thick wall of denial that rarely was penetrated. She had her own version of everything. She was very opinionated about a lot of things and didn't readily accept new people in her inner circle. She kept most people in that second ring in case she needed something from them. She especially like strangers and they loved her because they were the easiest to maneuver and she hadn't exhausted them the way she did her family.
When my mother was alive grandmother would plan her own birthday party and invite all kinds of people. She had this one lady make her a fancy decorated cake every year as a gift. At my grandmothers funeral the same woman came up to me and said "your grandmother would ask me to do things that even my own mother wouldn't ask me to do." I knew what she meant.
Once my grandmother invited everyone to her party she would call my mother and say "I got 20 people coming for a party at my house tomorrow." knowing my mother would feel like she needed to make that work. I felt for my parents because the wants of my grandmother dominated our household but no one stood up to her. If you said anything she would cry and pout and then quote the Bible about disrespecting your elders. My mother was the youngest and took most of the heat.
I really couldn't understand why she got away with it. Every year we took a trip to visit my aunt in Michigan and up until the last minute she would say she wasn't going. Everyone would beg her to go but she would refuse then at midnight the night before she would call and say she was going. Sometimes when we got to the house at 10 she would still be in bed not packed.
I can see my dad patiently sitting in the car or on my grandmothers porch while my mother helped her pack. This was a regular routine. She did this with her other son in law the day before she was to fly to my wedding and he left her. She manage to get a plane ticket and a neighbor to take her to the airport and got there before my aunt and uncle did.
She loved me almost as much as she loved my mother and after my mothers death and my dad remarried our visits were limited. My dad wouldn't have anything to do with my mother's family after that. Once my uncle stopped by and my dad was cleaning the gutters he never even came down from the ladder. He loved my mother more than life and I think he only tolerated her family for her sake. Once she was gone he was done. I don't think there was malice but he had moved on.
Looking at the pictures of my grandmother mostly on her birthday or Mothers Day always wearing a corsage and usually a hat I see a pretty happy person living a life that only existed in her mind. My mothers death did break denial for a few years. She cried forever until she said God ask her to stop.
When she was afraid or sad she wrote scriptures on random pieces of paper. I have dozens of those writings that I saved. Her faith was unbelievable and kept her going until the end. She died at 85 in 1984 of bone cancer. I can't say I remember too many specifics I was newly married living with active alcoholism and maintaining my own world of denial. My plate was full and couldn't face the loss of the last person who I knew loved me for sure.
It is weird how denial works it protects us from the things we can't bare to see for as long as it takes. Why own up to a life that isn't living up to what we had hoped for? My own life of denial kept me in places far longer than I needed to be there because if I acknowledged the truth I thought it would kill me.
The problem with denial is that no one can reach you and you miss out on real connections. You can avoid immediate grief but it is still there underneath sucking the life of you so you don't feel anything.
I think the research I have been doing on my family has helped me to acknowledge a different reality than the story I have been telling myself. It got too real a couple of times and I to take a break.
I loved my grandmother and I understand the denial that she lived in most of the time. The reality of her many losses was too much for her. She had to survive and take care of her family so in her mind she created her version of reality. She loved me even though I called her out on her manipulating tactics and I can see eyes now behind those glasses with a little grin on her face. She knew that knew.
Monday, January 28, 2019
Getting out of a rut - Baby steps
It is so weird to feel joy and excitement about life. I thought I would have to settle for contentment since it was better than apathy and much better than depression. My analytical mind is trying to figure out what is different and how can we maintain this level of happiness. This of course takes away from actually enjoying happiness.
I have made a number of changes over the past six months that really helped. First the diet which I already hyped on in my last post also I have changed my routine ever so slightly and it has gotten me out of a rut. I have to admit being off a lot from work really made me look at everything very closely. Once I got over the shock and fear of no business and the question "will I ever have another customer?" I could see the possibilities that free time can give you.
Silly I know but anyone that had a commission based job during the recession understands where I am coming from. I have to admit for a few days I felt gripped with fear but then I remembered that I made it through that time regardless of the situation and that I would be taken care of even though I don't know exactly how at this moment.
Once I got over the fear I could see once again my part in being stuck and where like the program says "If you always do what you have always done then you will always get what you always got." When I was sick with depression and thyroid meltdown I lived in survival mode and got use to just making it. I only had the energy to do what had to be done and was willing to just maintain. I got use to not wanting for more and accepting that feeling okay was really good enough. Bad habits were formed.
This kind of thinking and acting is just a habit and something your mind gets accustomed to and tries to pull you back to in the event you want to make a change. Making changes is not only uncomfortable but also goes against our primal genetic code or lizard brain. So when you are making changes the voice inside is like "I don't like this. I would rather have a bag of tortilla chips." Who can fight that?
For me I just negotiate with that voice - telling it not to worry we will go back to the chips one day if we really want to. Sounds crazy but let's face it the voice is not our friend when we are scared to do something different. The chips in my case represent the millions of good times I have had at Mexican restaurants with friends and it was the first food I bought when I left home a sixteen. Doritos.
What if life will never be as good as those memories? What if the future holds better times than those? I think I have accepted that happiness isn't consistency but finding joy in today knowing that tomorrow we will face whatever comes. We have to do that anyway so why ruin today.
I am back to being busy at work and missing that freedom I found from being caught up and having to use my imagination to fill my days. I had forgotten what that was like and hadn't experience it since I was in school for design and off for the summer. Being busy again I can appreciate both work and the security it gives me and also the ability to have a life outside of work.
If you want to get out of a rut start by changing just one thing. It can be as small as taking a different route to work or eating lunch at a different time. You brain will hate it but you will feel a little inspired. Baby steps at least that is what worked for me.
I have made a number of changes over the past six months that really helped. First the diet which I already hyped on in my last post also I have changed my routine ever so slightly and it has gotten me out of a rut. I have to admit being off a lot from work really made me look at everything very closely. Once I got over the shock and fear of no business and the question "will I ever have another customer?" I could see the possibilities that free time can give you.
Silly I know but anyone that had a commission based job during the recession understands where I am coming from. I have to admit for a few days I felt gripped with fear but then I remembered that I made it through that time regardless of the situation and that I would be taken care of even though I don't know exactly how at this moment.
Once I got over the fear I could see once again my part in being stuck and where like the program says "If you always do what you have always done then you will always get what you always got." When I was sick with depression and thyroid meltdown I lived in survival mode and got use to just making it. I only had the energy to do what had to be done and was willing to just maintain. I got use to not wanting for more and accepting that feeling okay was really good enough. Bad habits were formed.
This kind of thinking and acting is just a habit and something your mind gets accustomed to and tries to pull you back to in the event you want to make a change. Making changes is not only uncomfortable but also goes against our primal genetic code or lizard brain. So when you are making changes the voice inside is like "I don't like this. I would rather have a bag of tortilla chips." Who can fight that?
For me I just negotiate with that voice - telling it not to worry we will go back to the chips one day if we really want to. Sounds crazy but let's face it the voice is not our friend when we are scared to do something different. The chips in my case represent the millions of good times I have had at Mexican restaurants with friends and it was the first food I bought when I left home a sixteen. Doritos.
What if life will never be as good as those memories? What if the future holds better times than those? I think I have accepted that happiness isn't consistency but finding joy in today knowing that tomorrow we will face whatever comes. We have to do that anyway so why ruin today.
I am back to being busy at work and missing that freedom I found from being caught up and having to use my imagination to fill my days. I had forgotten what that was like and hadn't experience it since I was in school for design and off for the summer. Being busy again I can appreciate both work and the security it gives me and also the ability to have a life outside of work.
If you want to get out of a rut start by changing just one thing. It can be as small as taking a different route to work or eating lunch at a different time. You brain will hate it but you will feel a little inspired. Baby steps at least that is what worked for me.
Thursday, January 24, 2019
Clarity - Change the things I can
The clarity that I am feeling right now is astonishing I can't say that I have ever felt like this before in my adult life. I feel like I have step back and I am taking an inventory of someone else's life. My mind is very clear and I feel a sense of freedom.
I am giving the credit to couple of different things first sadly I have given up sugar and most carbs. I started this the first week in November and have lost about ten pounds. You have to know me to understand I am not into to suffering or restriction of any kind and have not been on a diet since my husband urged me to go to Weight Watchers when I was 27 and weighed 120 pounds.
I weighed a lot less than that after he left me and I wanted to disappear all together. He cooked massive meals for us and was 6' 4" and weighed 170 pounds. He came to bed with milkshakes every night to keep weight on. This was me trying to be perfect so he would continue to love me.
Anyway my point is I don't chase after anyone else's ideas of a quick fix I prefer to start out with small changes and see if I can integrated them into my life. I also think the stars must be aligned to be successful with any change you want to make in your life.
For me this means picking a time when I don't have too many balls in the air already. Starting in November just before the holiday and a visit from my family maybe wasn't great timing but I had been abstaining from sugar and carbs a few weeks before they got here. I ate three Krispy Kreme donuts during their visit but I didn't beat myself up about it.
Krispy Kreme donuts have been a family tradition with me and my sister since she got her drivers licence at 16 and we drove to downtown Atlanta at 11 o'clock at night on a Saturday to get hot donuts. My grandmother in tow begging us not to go and offering us frozen donuts from her freezer. This was the one and only bonding times we had after my mother died. My father was out finding us a new mother.
With clarity today I can see how much my beliefs about myself have shaped my life. I always knew I was too much and how even before my mother died I never felt really comfortable just being myself and I decided that spending time alone was probably best for everyone. When she got sick being invisible was re enforced. I learned to be fully self supporting declining all outside contributions.
I didn't mind really I had a lot ideas and things I wanted to do and not having anyone looking over my shoulder gave me that freedom. I did have friends but my life was chaotic with hospital visits and church meetings and I learned to just manage myself.
When Daddy remarried I thought things would settle down. My sister went off to college at 17 and I was left with a completely new chaos to manage. I conformed to the circumstances I was given wearing the clothes that were chosen for me - eating the food that was fixed for me and spending the weekends with my new cousins. I did everything I could to just blend and not attract any attention but I felt like a target. Things could be going smoothly when my new little sister would call attention to me and start picking at me and before I knew it I was in trouble for something.
I think my point is that I have also worked hard to be invisible and just do what it takes to get the job done without attracting attention. In my relationships and my jobs I have moved mountains that no one really even knew were there and then resented not being appreciated. With my history and being taught to be humble at all times this has made me the invisible woman.
I have realized in just the last few weeks that I need to be a better promoter of myself at work and even in my personal life. I am seeing that being anonymous has shaped my life and maybe doing something different is worth a try.
This post has been all over the place I admit but I think the clarity of my new eating and supplement plan plus the down time I have had this past month has given me clarity. I heard a line in a movie recently "one small adjustment to make our life work." I actually wrote it down because it resonated so strongly with me.
I love that the progam open my eyes to the fact people can change if they want to. We are not stuck with who we are or who other people told us we were this is only in our minds. We can choose to do the work and be who want to be and find happiness and joy.
I am giving the credit to couple of different things first sadly I have given up sugar and most carbs. I started this the first week in November and have lost about ten pounds. You have to know me to understand I am not into to suffering or restriction of any kind and have not been on a diet since my husband urged me to go to Weight Watchers when I was 27 and weighed 120 pounds.
I weighed a lot less than that after he left me and I wanted to disappear all together. He cooked massive meals for us and was 6' 4" and weighed 170 pounds. He came to bed with milkshakes every night to keep weight on. This was me trying to be perfect so he would continue to love me.
Anyway my point is I don't chase after anyone else's ideas of a quick fix I prefer to start out with small changes and see if I can integrated them into my life. I also think the stars must be aligned to be successful with any change you want to make in your life.
For me this means picking a time when I don't have too many balls in the air already. Starting in November just before the holiday and a visit from my family maybe wasn't great timing but I had been abstaining from sugar and carbs a few weeks before they got here. I ate three Krispy Kreme donuts during their visit but I didn't beat myself up about it.
Krispy Kreme donuts have been a family tradition with me and my sister since she got her drivers licence at 16 and we drove to downtown Atlanta at 11 o'clock at night on a Saturday to get hot donuts. My grandmother in tow begging us not to go and offering us frozen donuts from her freezer. This was the one and only bonding times we had after my mother died. My father was out finding us a new mother.
With clarity today I can see how much my beliefs about myself have shaped my life. I always knew I was too much and how even before my mother died I never felt really comfortable just being myself and I decided that spending time alone was probably best for everyone. When she got sick being invisible was re enforced. I learned to be fully self supporting declining all outside contributions.
I didn't mind really I had a lot ideas and things I wanted to do and not having anyone looking over my shoulder gave me that freedom. I did have friends but my life was chaotic with hospital visits and church meetings and I learned to just manage myself.
When Daddy remarried I thought things would settle down. My sister went off to college at 17 and I was left with a completely new chaos to manage. I conformed to the circumstances I was given wearing the clothes that were chosen for me - eating the food that was fixed for me and spending the weekends with my new cousins. I did everything I could to just blend and not attract any attention but I felt like a target. Things could be going smoothly when my new little sister would call attention to me and start picking at me and before I knew it I was in trouble for something.
I think my point is that I have also worked hard to be invisible and just do what it takes to get the job done without attracting attention. In my relationships and my jobs I have moved mountains that no one really even knew were there and then resented not being appreciated. With my history and being taught to be humble at all times this has made me the invisible woman.
I have realized in just the last few weeks that I need to be a better promoter of myself at work and even in my personal life. I am seeing that being anonymous has shaped my life and maybe doing something different is worth a try.
This post has been all over the place I admit but I think the clarity of my new eating and supplement plan plus the down time I have had this past month has given me clarity. I heard a line in a movie recently "one small adjustment to make our life work." I actually wrote it down because it resonated so strongly with me.
I love that the progam open my eyes to the fact people can change if they want to. We are not stuck with who we are or who other people told us we were this is only in our minds. We can choose to do the work and be who want to be and find happiness and joy.
Monday, January 14, 2019
It feels so weird - Seeing for the first time
I never really realized that my life has really been my work until now. Since we haven't been very busy I have had a lot of time to see what it would be like not to work. I will say not to work in a driven fashion even during the recession when there wasn't any work I still spent all my free time trying to get work living at the office scheming on how to bring in more business.
This is different because it isn't a crisis unless I make it one. I am getting an opportunity to work to live instead of live to work. What it would be like to not work 50-60 hours a weeks. My mind at first was very unhappy very restless looking for a crisis of any kind to get it's teeth in. Perusing the past for anything that would make me feel insecure or critical about myself and decisions that got me where I am today. The kind of loop that I can get into easily when I need to fill time and I am restless.
I have been reading Dr. Amen book on healing ADD and the seven types. I could identify with two one with the loop of bad thoughts the other the "I am bored" mantra. He gives examples and then combinations of natural supplements or pharmaceuticals that he has used with success with his patients.
I have started taking a couple of different things. Not really long enough for them to make a difference but I do think that the Keto diet has already geared me toward better nutrition and better mental function. His book does address the alcoholic brain and adult children of alcoholics.
This is beyond belief to me that my emotional patterns are caused by the composition of my brain and that there is something other than talk therapy that can help. Sure meds have been an option for a long time but combinations of diet exercise and amino acids as an option is something different. He said that they doctors are lumping all ADD together and prescribing the same thing for everyone. Which actually make some people worse given the part of the brain affected.
I have avoided medication because the people I know that have been on it don't seem any better and they usually go through a bunch of different ones. I like the idea of using the brain scan to determine what part of the brain has been shows up a problem. We all can't get brain scans but we can see ourselves in the different patients he describes.
It is nice not being a slave to my emotions and really feeling so clear and less fearful. The better I eat the better I feel This might seem logical but when your mind is acting out you don't really make good choices about food or anything else really. For me it seems everything is blown out of proportion and I am just surviving.
I am not sure this will count as related to recovery but it is where I am now. I feel like I am seeing for the first time not just surviving. It feels so weird.
This is different because it isn't a crisis unless I make it one. I am getting an opportunity to work to live instead of live to work. What it would be like to not work 50-60 hours a weeks. My mind at first was very unhappy very restless looking for a crisis of any kind to get it's teeth in. Perusing the past for anything that would make me feel insecure or critical about myself and decisions that got me where I am today. The kind of loop that I can get into easily when I need to fill time and I am restless.
I have been reading Dr. Amen book on healing ADD and the seven types. I could identify with two one with the loop of bad thoughts the other the "I am bored" mantra. He gives examples and then combinations of natural supplements or pharmaceuticals that he has used with success with his patients.
I have started taking a couple of different things. Not really long enough for them to make a difference but I do think that the Keto diet has already geared me toward better nutrition and better mental function. His book does address the alcoholic brain and adult children of alcoholics.
This is beyond belief to me that my emotional patterns are caused by the composition of my brain and that there is something other than talk therapy that can help. Sure meds have been an option for a long time but combinations of diet exercise and amino acids as an option is something different. He said that they doctors are lumping all ADD together and prescribing the same thing for everyone. Which actually make some people worse given the part of the brain affected.
I have avoided medication because the people I know that have been on it don't seem any better and they usually go through a bunch of different ones. I like the idea of using the brain scan to determine what part of the brain has been shows up a problem. We all can't get brain scans but we can see ourselves in the different patients he describes.
It is nice not being a slave to my emotions and really feeling so clear and less fearful. The better I eat the better I feel This might seem logical but when your mind is acting out you don't really make good choices about food or anything else really. For me it seems everything is blown out of proportion and I am just surviving.
I am not sure this will count as related to recovery but it is where I am now. I feel like I am seeing for the first time not just surviving. It feels so weird.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Mama's head - Making changes
I have always had a love hate relationship with the past and often wonder is the constant reminiscing really helping or hurting me.
When I started my journey first with counseling and then with Al-Anon I constantly spewed my story out to anyone that would listen. I had kept it in for so long I just really wanted to be heard. I also wanted to hear myself. The steps and slogans simplistic as they are helped me to first hear the thoughts in my head and then decide to change them from negative to positive.
The program slowed me down enough to take an inventory of my own beliefs and where those beliefs came from and whether they applied to me now. In my mind this was a total miracle that I could choose who I wanted to be and that I wasn't just saddled with this broken idea of myself. Bad genes.
I could see that I was only a victim in my mind. Sure other people gave me sympathy and love but that also kept me in my story. I knew at the time that was what I needed and it felt really good to have people acknowledge my pain. The truth was that I really just wanted the people that hurt me to acknowledge that my feelings even existed and to say they were sorry.
This deep want has stayed with me forever. It comes from the child in me that is still hurt and is still saying "what about me? don't I matter?" I didn't miss out on this when I was a child it was just that the sickness and death of my mother ended me being the center of the universe rather abruptly. Because I became my own parent I didn't know that this would happen to me eventually even if my mother had lived. I wanted to be seen again and have the loved the way my mother loved me.
I have been writing about my childhood and put together a timeline of the what was happening. All the really great memories - big Easter egg hunt - giant birthday party with 50 kids - MS - Carnival all happened while my mother was sick the MS carnival five months before she died. My mother trying to show me her love and fulfill all my wishes.
Because my Daddy thought if we all had faith and only said positive things God would heal her. She couldn't say "hey you know I might not get better so lets just spend as much time together as possible." My daddy was losing the love of his life and his mind could not accept it so we couldn't acknowledge what was right in front of us.
I understand that now maybe more than ever. While writing about her I am becoming more of an adult about my childhood. I didn't know the dates of those events were the last year she was alive. She was really sick and weighed less than 90 pounds at her death. How desperate she must have been to give us what she thought we wanted.
I had a dream this weekend that I had just her head. Not like a gross horror movie but life in the Wizard of Oz when Dorthy was looking at the glass ball. The head was smiling and talking and I took her to a party with me and everyone freaked out because she didn't have a body. When I woke up I thought "this is my own head" she gave it to me and I can take it wherever I want.
I have always felt like an outsider. Early in Al-Anon I felt like I belonged until I started to feel like talking about our pain and suffering was really keeping us in our story and stuck. The story was a habit that can define us. There has to be a point when we just want joy and we have to put away the idea that without our story we are nothing.
I am not dismissing my story and I am planning on writing a book about it but it doesn't have to define me now. I want to feel free to pursue joy everyday even if being totally open to a new life feels really uncomfortable. My mind is really freaked out and is constantly looking for a familiar distraction. Just like writing here.
I heard a scientific evaluation of this process. This is my version - You have habits and routines that you create and rely on for some period of time. Your brain imprints these routines physically and then when you try to make a change it totally freaks and makes you feel unsettled. We don't like it and are more likely to go back to auto pilot and the thing that we know because it calms us.
I saw this happening today. I have been wanting to visit a church nearby today. The service didn't start until 11 but something in me did not want to do this and I ended up watching TV church like I have been doing lately. Now here I am writing about doing something new instead of doing something new.
I have had a few breakthroughs this holiday season. I have been uncomfortable a lot but I didn't run towards anything instead I just sat with it until I had an awakening. The thing with my mother is a big awakening for me to see that she wanted to grant me any wish I wanted since she knew she would not be there for me. I can appreciate that now.
The moral of the story is that we have the power to change our minds. We can do this both through reasoning things out and by taking care of ourselves physically. These months without carbs and extra sleep have been astounding to me. The clarity I have has been really surprising and motivating to me. Today I am looking for joy.
When I started my journey first with counseling and then with Al-Anon I constantly spewed my story out to anyone that would listen. I had kept it in for so long I just really wanted to be heard. I also wanted to hear myself. The steps and slogans simplistic as they are helped me to first hear the thoughts in my head and then decide to change them from negative to positive.
The program slowed me down enough to take an inventory of my own beliefs and where those beliefs came from and whether they applied to me now. In my mind this was a total miracle that I could choose who I wanted to be and that I wasn't just saddled with this broken idea of myself. Bad genes.
I could see that I was only a victim in my mind. Sure other people gave me sympathy and love but that also kept me in my story. I knew at the time that was what I needed and it felt really good to have people acknowledge my pain. The truth was that I really just wanted the people that hurt me to acknowledge that my feelings even existed and to say they were sorry.
This deep want has stayed with me forever. It comes from the child in me that is still hurt and is still saying "what about me? don't I matter?" I didn't miss out on this when I was a child it was just that the sickness and death of my mother ended me being the center of the universe rather abruptly. Because I became my own parent I didn't know that this would happen to me eventually even if my mother had lived. I wanted to be seen again and have the loved the way my mother loved me.
I have been writing about my childhood and put together a timeline of the what was happening. All the really great memories - big Easter egg hunt - giant birthday party with 50 kids - MS - Carnival all happened while my mother was sick the MS carnival five months before she died. My mother trying to show me her love and fulfill all my wishes.
Because my Daddy thought if we all had faith and only said positive things God would heal her. She couldn't say "hey you know I might not get better so lets just spend as much time together as possible." My daddy was losing the love of his life and his mind could not accept it so we couldn't acknowledge what was right in front of us.
I understand that now maybe more than ever. While writing about her I am becoming more of an adult about my childhood. I didn't know the dates of those events were the last year she was alive. She was really sick and weighed less than 90 pounds at her death. How desperate she must have been to give us what she thought we wanted.
I had a dream this weekend that I had just her head. Not like a gross horror movie but life in the Wizard of Oz when Dorthy was looking at the glass ball. The head was smiling and talking and I took her to a party with me and everyone freaked out because she didn't have a body. When I woke up I thought "this is my own head" she gave it to me and I can take it wherever I want.
I have always felt like an outsider. Early in Al-Anon I felt like I belonged until I started to feel like talking about our pain and suffering was really keeping us in our story and stuck. The story was a habit that can define us. There has to be a point when we just want joy and we have to put away the idea that without our story we are nothing.
I am not dismissing my story and I am planning on writing a book about it but it doesn't have to define me now. I want to feel free to pursue joy everyday even if being totally open to a new life feels really uncomfortable. My mind is really freaked out and is constantly looking for a familiar distraction. Just like writing here.
I heard a scientific evaluation of this process. This is my version - You have habits and routines that you create and rely on for some period of time. Your brain imprints these routines physically and then when you try to make a change it totally freaks and makes you feel unsettled. We don't like it and are more likely to go back to auto pilot and the thing that we know because it calms us.
I saw this happening today. I have been wanting to visit a church nearby today. The service didn't start until 11 but something in me did not want to do this and I ended up watching TV church like I have been doing lately. Now here I am writing about doing something new instead of doing something new.
I have had a few breakthroughs this holiday season. I have been uncomfortable a lot but I didn't run towards anything instead I just sat with it until I had an awakening. The thing with my mother is a big awakening for me to see that she wanted to grant me any wish I wanted since she knew she would not be there for me. I can appreciate that now.
The moral of the story is that we have the power to change our minds. We can do this both through reasoning things out and by taking care of ourselves physically. These months without carbs and extra sleep have been astounding to me. The clarity I have has been really surprising and motivating to me. Today I am looking for joy.
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