Acceptance - Family - Beliefs - Making Peace

I have returned from a trip to see my family.  It was a little complicated with my niece house sitting in Charleston and my nephew driving my sister from the mountains to meet me there. Her kids don't think she is capable of driving by herself for four hours.  He brought the grand kids both under three and we watched them while he stayed in a hotel. This wasn't his idea but it worked out until he decided he didn't want to stay the three days as planned. 

I was proud of my sister for holding her ground and saying she was staying and he could drive back by himself with the kids. This solidified my own plans which was to drive her back home.  When first found out that he and the kids were coming I almost cancelled my trip all together. I knew that it would be all about watching the kids instead of a relaxing three days with my niece and my sister.  

My experience over the years with my sister and her family is that you are not factored into the equation ever. It you are visiting nothing is altered for your visit. You can't expect anything more than to just tag along to whatever is going on in their lives.  I might get lunch with my sister and a few dinners out. It was a nice surprise that my sister actually took the whole week off for the holiday. 

With this trip my niece originally wanted me to drive six hours pick up my sister and drive four hours spend three days in Charleston and drive four hours to take her home spend Thanksgiving and then drive another six hours home.  I did decline this plan since my sister is capable of driving four hours herself. This is before my nephew's wife went out of town and it was decided he couldn't be alone with the kids for three days.  Just writing this tires me out. 

The trip was an overall success. The three of us were exhausted running after two toddlers for almost three days.  They left me alone with them while they were napping only to have them both wake up at the same time with one extra poopy diaper. I texted them with an SOS since I didn't think I could watch him while changing the diaper in a stranger's house. 

I did get to bond with the kids and then after my nephew drove back home with them the three of us went for a walk on the beach and had dinner out together. My sister and I drove back together leaving my niece to finish her house sitting duties through the holiday. We were really able to catch up.

We got back Wednesday night and cooked the casseroles my niece had frozen in advance of her trip. We had dinner at my nephew's in-laws as they do every year with me taking the place of my niece at the table. It was nice really good food and I didn't cook any of it. 

I was also worried about the the political climate of my family all Trump supporters and think wearing masks is an attempt to be politically correct. No one wore mask there except in public places. I didn't fight it or say my peace.  I was exposed to them and the kids the first day so I figured it didn't matter. My sister and I had a few words over Obama when she said "he is showing his true colors now" I just gave her a look. She came and apologized and said she didn't mean to get so heated.  

One thing I have come to understand about my sister that even though she is very smart she doesn't like to go against the crowd. Before he beat Hillary we had a discussion where we both agreed that he was a sociopath and bad for the country. Now he is a god my brother-in-law said as I was leaving "when they overturn this election there will be riots in the streets."  

This has been the right choice for her and enabled her to stay close with our dad and his wife. With kids you need family and as much support as you can get.  I was never a good sheep and would never be able to just go along with what is popular with the crowd. I sacrificed having a family because I would never be able to keep my mouth shut. 

My sister loves me and worries about my salvation and fears that I might go to hell. I wonder how people that call themselves christian can support a man who clearly cares about nothing but himself. He definitely isn't following the idea "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

I have found my own way and I don't feel I must win them over to my own beliefs anymore. I do have to prepare myself for our visits and this was the first time I don't need to recover from the trip. We have come to an understanding and she doesn't feel responsible for my salvation anymore. 

I have found peace with being alone and I have found peace with be an outsider with my family. With her kids grown now I have the opportunity to get to know them. My sister's life has not be easy and she kept a lot of things from me to protect her family. Similar to living with alcoholism when one person controls the whole family and you don't want anyone to know what is going on. 

We are survivors and have both done it on our own.  It makes me sad that we didn't feel we could be there for each other. I think we are beginning to know each other for the first time. She is four years older than me so we were never close as children. We are both tough and have found our own way through life and now that we are older we can relax an enjoy each other. 

Alcoholism - Addicted to the Chaos

I watched Super Soul Sunday last night with Oprah interviewing Biden in 2017.  It was a good interview and showed that he is a thoughtful and kind man still grieving the loss of his son. He spent most of the interview hunched over clasping his hand reliving the words he was saying slowly and deliberately.

I then I watched the Steven Colbert interview from three years ago and then one from one year ago. Much lighter non-stop talking. Steven fact checked his last interview and he go a lot of details wrong about a story he told.  He said he was just conveying the importance of the moment in the story and names and dates weren't that important in that specific incidence. 

It is going to be so strange having someone that actually answers questions and deals with issues. Instead of chasing a moving target that doesn't have answers and isn't really that interested. I remember shortly after the last election when Hillary did an interview for the first time. I was mesmerized by how soothing it was to hear complete sentences coming out of her mouth after only months of the current administration.

I can't help but think about how this president reminds me of a time I lived with active alcoholism. At first the charm and charisma was enough. The way he could win over anyone with his energy and words. He promised the moon but never did anything that he said he would do. Then as the disease progressed he created chaos in our lives every day. Every move I made was based on what I thought he would do next - bracing myself for a number of possible out comes.

I was the desperate wife pouncing on him when he did show up trying to get answers I felt I needed to survive, When I would remind him of the promises he made he would deny ever making them. He shut me out and refused to even talk about anything. By the time he left I had become addicted to the chaos and the adrenaline that went with it. When he was out of my life it felt like I had been unplugged from my life source. I was empty and exhausted.

Even with the pain of the loss I was grateful to come home at night an not have to face the madness. I wasn't chasing a moving target and dealing with crazy every day. Even if I had gotten use to the thrill of the ups and downs I knew it was killing me.

What we have lived with these past four years is just like living with an active alcoholic. The charm and laser attention I got in the beginning changed to control and chaos in the end. It was like a drug being loved by this person is so charismatic. He made me feel like he was the only one who understood me. 

I imagine this is what his core supporters feel like.  "He really sees me" and maybe he does but he will never really come through with the promises he makes. He is just there for his moment in the spotlight and really never thinks past that moment. Their lives will be empty for a while but then they will go back to whatever they were doing before. 

Everyone especially the media with feel loss and emptiness for awhile. No matter whether your were fighting for him or against him the excitement is over.  The man himself is a walking crisis. We will have to get use to the fact that we don't have a man whose tweets send the stock market crashing. 

It took me a long time to get over my husband leaving. It was a relationship that consumed me and when it was over I felt bored and lonely for a long time. I was so exhausted I like for two years I just worked and slept. I know today that relationship changed me forever for good and bad. It made me see what I didn't want again and made me face what attracted me to him in the first place. 

I have learned to be my own entertainment these days and when I am bored I don't look for a two legged crisis to feel that void. I can be grateful and accept that life isn't exciting all the time and be at peace.  I know things will be less volatile with the new president but I am not expecting nirvana just a little less crazy.  

Living in our own bubble - Compassion - Understanding

This last week has been difficult for me as I am sure it has been for everyone. We can't understand why the other side can't see just how wrong they are with the facts right in front of them. I have come to the conclusion that we spend most of our time in our on bubble. 

I was raised in a charismatic Pentecostal denomination where if you didn't belong to our denomination then you really weren't going to heaven. We didn't associate with people outside the church. As kids  we could play with the kids in our neighborhood but mostly not allowed to go into their houses. The street we lived on was built by our pastor so some of the people living there went to our church. 

My sister would baby sit sometimes for the people across the street and I remember one time watching out the window and seeing the husband passed out behind the wheel with the car door open.  I imagine this is what we were being protected from. 

It always bothered me that everyone else was going to hell that really didn't make total since to me. A lot of them seemed like perfectly nice people. My mother was strong and independent person and you didn't question what she told you. When we moved to the suburbs in 1966 she couldn't believe the women at our church didn't vote. She immediately started a women's political group at the church.

She was my Sunday school teacher and I remember her preparing for hours on Saturday before she taught her lesson. We read the Bible together at night together.  She was passionate about her beliefs and taught me and my sister to be independent thinkers. This worked and we clashed constantly. 

I am a detail person and very analytical and I needed things to make since to me. Some of the stories of the Bible didn't make since. I asked constant questions which really got on my parents nerves. I have never been a good sheep just going along with anyone selling anything. When l left home at 16 my daddy said " you will never make it because you don't respect authority." I knew he had no idea what I was capable of and I never looked back.

Just like my childhood today we all live in a bubble of our own making. We don't let any information that doesn't fit into our self created bubble because we want the lines to be clear and to think we are always right. It is easier and our brains are made to work this way. We live day to day without looking at what others are going through especially when it doesn't touch our lives.

We all do that or we couldn't survive the devastation we see on our screens. I remember as a child they showed the caskets of soldiers being unloaded every day on the news. This was so terrible to me it made me so sad. I couldn't understand why this was happening. The men had families just like mine what could be worth them dying for?

I was raised Republican and Reagan was the last republican I voted for. I was devastated by the way he ignored the AIDS epidemic and let so many die without so much as a word about it. This seems familiar to me now people thinking "it's not a part of my world so it doesn't matter to me." 

We all become isolated when we only live in our own bubble with people like ourselves. I work with people everyday that are genuinely nice intelligent people.  They are are happy and there bubble is pretty secure so they want to keep it that way. I get this and don't fault them for it because it is not my place to wake people up. 

I also know that people are mostly dug in and it is hard for them to go against their peers. It is easy not to questions what we think especially when we surround ourselves by people just like us. It isn't that easy to step away from the crowd. What if they reject me?  I will be alone and unloved.

It is true this can happen and it happened to me.  I wasn't willing to just believe those who were in authority. I had to do my own research and find my belief and God for myself. I don't regret leaving the flock but it has been lonely on my own.  I never quite fit in with believers or non-believers. 

It is good to feel certain you are right and you surely don't want anybody punching through your bubble. No one is right all the time and that it the way it is. I don't regret my upbringing because it made me strong and able to be an outsider. We were passionate in our beliefs which is important. 

Today I know I can find peace within whenever I want. I can trust that we can work this out eventually. Life goes on and we will turn this over to future generations and hope they will do better. I use my words when I can to make people think and have compassion for others and I have to exercise my own compassion for them. 

 

Confronting the past - our unique fears - denial is coping - forgiveness

One of my favorite bloggers seems to be missing along with all his comments.  I hope everything is alright.  Over the years many bloggers have drop off but usually with some kind of farewell explanation.  In life everything runs its course and maybe it is just his time. 

I was painting my deck yesterday and pulling weeds today and had time to think.  I did sleep long and hard last night and got up this morning and gathered my thoughts.  I have been reading my mother's Bible mainly because I have be looking through family pictures and thinking of her.  I will say this is the same Bible that she taught me to read with.  It is not translated other than in English to bring it up to more modern standards. We read a chapter every night and I was particularly fond of the "verily - verily I say unto you" parts.

Don't stop reading because I mention the Bible. I have been treated badly by people who professed to be God fearing Bible lovers and I chunked the Bible out along with them a long time ago.  Anything that represented what those people said they believed in was off limits. Today know that it isn't all or nothing. 

What Al-Anon did for me in my early 30's was to find the God of my own understanding. It was good start for me realizing it was up to me to come to terms with how I was treated and establish the God of my own understanding. I didn't really trust my childhood God because he took my mother and replaced her with one of the most selfish unloving people on the planet. With that I lost the rest of my family because I could not tolerate the hypocrisy of those who professed to be Christians.

Of course this is totally my problem. I was never great at pretending things are one way when it is obvious that they are totally another.  I say that when I lived with bold face alcoholism and totally ignored it until it was too late and it had destroyed my own confidence and my marriage. I am no different than anyone else when it comes to denial or living in a fantasy.

Some many things in this world are hurtful and sometimes devastating and denial is how we survive. When something rocks our world we find other people that think like us and huddle together chanting our own beliefs until the storm passes. There is a lot of this going on right now on both sides.

Sometimes individually we break from the group because we know that no one could possibly understand how we are suffering because it feels too personal. For me I broke away because I felt that I couldn't possibly put the burden of my pain on another human. This left me alone to find the strength within and to rely on something greater than myself. 

This is the point of God or whatever you believe in that doesn't depend on you to have the answers. I have found strength in ultimately letting go of everything I ever believe to be true. With letting go my life began to flow again. Every difficult thing I faced was resolved without my tight grip on it. I let go of my idea of the way things had to be and received peace. Nothing even now seems to move when I have an agenda. I have tested this over and over with every part of my life and it is always true. 

I know that forcing a solution on my terms never works. Turning my will over to a power greater than myself is humbling and freeing. My thoughts and prayers over any situation without demanding a certain outcome can result in a literal miracle.  Sometimes leaving me thinking "I never imagined that as a solution to the problem". 

I am not afraid of my past anymore or the God that I was raised with. I can read the Bible without attaching what people have to done to me in his name. People are flawed.  I am flawed and everyday I have to live with my own humanness and walk in faith that I haven't done too much damage. 

I have done my best just like everyone else.  I have ask for forgiveness from my God the universe and from myself. I have hurt myself the same as I have hurt other people along the way. Just as I offer forgiveness to them I can offer it to myself. It may not seem like it but we all live in fear and this causes us to react in unique ways based on our own past. 

Today I am feeling peace and for that I am grateful. 

 

Mind Control - embracing your ugly side - fear - I can change

Mind control is always at the top of the list of things I work on daily. It is of course my own mind that I am controlling.  I use to think the it was unique something I was born with and had to cope with even if it made me unhappy a lot of the time.  Science use to say that you were who you were basically after the age of five years but now they have found the brain to be more plastic.

All is takes is a little change to create new pathways in the brain even something as small as using a different foot to start climbing stairs. Taking a different route to work or trying to write with your other hand. None of these things are easy because the brain is efficient and wants the same path as always the more things on auto pilot the better.  We are geared this way so we are free to watch out for predators hiding in the bushes. When we make changes it takes all our focus until we get a new path laid. 

This is like the best news ever to me that I don't have to just live with who I am warts and all.  I can choose everyday to lay aside the ideas I have about myself that don't work for me anymore to embrace the day and all it has to offer me. 

I often hear my co-worker say "I am too old to learn that now" when I regularly show her shortcuts on the computer that would make her job easier but she isn't interested.  This is what we have be taught basically that your maxed out an you should just settled down and wait for the end. 

The voice in our heads are just well laid paths that started early and feel permanent because we repeat them to ourselves over and over. We have the power to change them.

Early on with Al-Anon I learned to listen to that voice that told me I was a victim of this life. I started to hear the self talk that kept me from being happy with who I was and I learned to stop listening. The next step over the years was to to address that scared unhappy child within. She was bored or stressed about the future and really wanted to be comforted and assured that we would be alright.

Now days I just assure her that we have handled many things and that together we will be alright. It is okay to acknowledge fear or for me acknowledge boredom these feelings won't kill me. Sometimes when I am stuck in for longer that feels comfortable I tell myself "this is just one day and tomorrow I will feel different".  It is the running from the feeling that makes me feel bad like being chased by a tiger.

Just sitting with the feeling and trying to soak it up makes it dissipate because it can't eat you. It is the pushing back and the thinking "I will always be like this" that pull you under. It is waking up the next morning a project another day of more of the same that keep you stuck. Setting your intentions.

I can't end this post without addressing the food factor in all of this. What we eat everyday gives our brains either protection or poison. We need protein and fat to lubricate the brain to be able to make good decisions.  When I was depressed my favorite foods were chips and salsa - Macaroni and cheese - or a brownie every night. These things made me comatose and numbed my pain. Keeping wanting more.

I wanted death at the time so I really couldn't care for myself. I only voiced this to a close friend every once in a while they thought I was joking. I am a strong person and from the outside it appears I don't need or want any help. There are a lot of us out there who are more comfortable supporting other people but we are human too and a kind word or a thank you would go along way. It might be an awkward moment but it will pass. Thank someone today for just being there for you.. 

I can control my mind - I am not a victim

I feel at peace today even if the sky is cloudy and I was wishing for the sun. It is cool here which is helpful since my air conditioning isn't work yet.  The second guy they sent wasn't too happy that the new part didn't work. He told me "this happens all the time - do you think I want to go up in your attic a third time?"  

Every job has parts that suck no matter how great the job is that is why they call it work.  He seemed pretty unhappy overall.  He shared with me that his roommate's new girlfriend stole 150 dollars out of his room. He caught her there and told his roommate who didn't believe him and told him to move out. Luckily his sister has a big house so he moved there this week.

I thought there is a story there at his age ending up with a roommate. Although I didn't prompt the discussion he said he didn't have a problem with alcohol even though when he was a child his Sicilian grandparents gave him wine every time he saw them. He said he had started smoking after he had stopped for four years and this is the only time he likes to drink.

He is probably coming back Monday with a replacement part. I am not sure why he brought all of this up maybe he knew I could here him cursing and screaming in the attic.  

The mind is hard to control I lived most of my life thinking life was happening to me. I was a victim of my circumstances and there was nothing I could do about it. I spent all my energy bracing myself for the next tragic thing to happen and I was never disappointed.  I talked about my woes to whoever would listen and repeated my victim-ship to myself over and over. The voice in my head keeping me constantly sad or outraged over my circumstances.

It wasn't until I realized that I was doing this to myself. The program helped m to see that it was my own story that repeated to myself over and over that kept me from having a different story.  The program says "no victims just volunteers".  This would make me so mad in the beginning. I felt comfortable not taking responsibility for my own situation and feeling sorry for myself.

It doesn't help that this is the way the brain works. We are wired to go towards negative first so we can prevent bad things from happening the next time.  It also likes repetition and goes down the most familiar and deepest path it is less work. When I am sad I think about _____________ and then it reminds me of when things we great and life didn't suck life it does now. Of course even our memories are hijacked by the brain smoothing out all those rough edges we don't want to acknowledge.

Looking through my life's pictures behind my own smiling face I could tell you some really awful stuff going on.  My mind prefers to make those times something they weren't. The difference in who I am now is that I know it was just life and hard times.  It is only when I believed it was just happening to me that I felt like it was my fault. This is mostly because I have an analytical mind that believes there is a solution for every problem. I can think my way out of this.

The solution to being a victim is to replace these thoughts with something else. For me I had to first acknowledge that the person inside my head was really negative and didn't seem to like me very much. I tried to reason with her but she just kept hurling insults at me no matter what. I finally had to consciously tell her to shut up. This was war for a long time until I was able to see that the child inside me was just scared that we weren't going to make it. 

I couldn't let on that she might be right so I assured her that we could do it. I started reading non stop to anything that gave me positive encouragement.  Mantras - slogans from the program - daily readers - spiritual books - even horoscopes - Anything that gave me encouragement to keep going. Over time all these things started to re-write my thinking. 

I became friends with myself and forgave the child in me for being stuck so long. I had to forgive myself for living life thinking that I caused these things to happen to me. That there was something about me that made me unlovable from the beginning. I had to take responsibility for loving and encouraging myself into happiness. No one outside of me could make feel secure.

Today I am on the maintenance plan.  First I guard my mind from anything negative as much as I can. I feed myself with healthy foods that make my mind clearer. Instead of heading for a carb comma like I use to and now I sleep a regular schedule so I can be my best. I take care of myself instead of waiting for other people to show that I am worthy of being taken care of. 

All great beliefs and spiritual practice use these same ideas woven through them. Believing and being with people are looking for something positive or comforting to share can promote peace. Taking care of your body and your mind realizing they are same thing is truly loving. Believing in a power greater than ourselves to give us the strength and discipline to take our lives back it really the only answer.  

  

Choosing happiness - Living with what is real

I am feeling a little down the past few days like I am caught in some sludge moving at a snails pace. I had some news yesterday that didn't help after having some trouble with my ac it turns out I need a new motor.  This wasn't expected since the unit isn't that old. I am not sure at this point whether it is in warranty period we are talking a couple of thousand. 

I also went to the dentist and they want to do some work there to which is evasive and costly. I feel a little deflated at this point but I am grateful that I have the means to do both of the these things. It will slow down my saving plan but that is what saving is for isn't it. A rainy day which is what a lot of people are experiencing right now. 

It doesn't help that I started a weight lifting routine this week and have felt like I was in a car accident. It shows me that I really need to get into shape. I am grateful that physically I don't have any real problems since I have changed my diet and I have committed to increasing my stamina with weights.

The limitations we put on ourselves are in our mind. Planted by the media both the good and the bad it has shaped us in ways we will never really know. It gives us the idea that if you are older you are limited in what you can do physically. There are a lot of women over 60 defying that notion - sculpting there bodies in ways that no one could image was possible. This good media. 

I was raised on TV with my mother sick no one monitored the hours I spent there. TV was what kept me busy when no on had time for me. It made me believe in a world of happiness and sunshine that never really existed. When I couldn't find it I blamed myself thinking I had done something wrong. I tried even harder and when things went right I thought I was doing something right but it never lasted and then I went back to blaming myself again.

I thought I controlled the happiness in my life even though I always felt like something bad was lurking in the shadows and I was right. What I didn't realize was that life consist of ups and downs all the time. Everyone has there sadness to bear and it is how you face those trials that makes the difference. 

I have found happiness not like those TV movies on Hallmark where everyone is happy with great jobs and the perfect mate but in enjoying the day that is before me. I can choose not to waste it. To pay attention to what is happening today and find peace and joy. 

There is a lot of good things in my life and for that I am grateful and luckily the weather is perfect and I don't need my ac this week while I am getting this sorted out.