Goals - Milestones - Hacking the brain

I have felt flat for a few weeks my interest in anything had vanished.  This scares me because I felt like this a long time when I was depressed.  I would live each day just doing a mundane list of things that were required to stay alive. Luckily it lifted Tuesday just as quickly as it appeared. What a relief to be engaged again getting things done. 

I could blame it on the over the counter hormone creams suggested by my doctor or it could be the emotions of the world at this point.  I am super busy at work and spent yesterday just trying to feel human again.  I didn't give myself the usual list of things to do and just spent the day cleaning and doing laundry.  I did make a small book shelf for the art books I moved up stairs. I needed to put them on a shelf so I took an old drawer head and cut the ends off and skewed them vertically onto the center piece. A u shaped shelf that keeps the books from falling over. It was the exact size to fit the books I have. 

I recently listened to the science of how our brain chemicals are set up to release feel good hormones in increments as we move towards our goals.  Their example was if we found a honey comb in the top of a tree we were flooded with desire to reach to top of that tree for our reward. Once we got the prize that same chemical would disappear totally and we needed another prize to activate that feel good feeling again. 

This is why the planning process of getting somewhere or actually doing something gives us such a thrill while the actually trip or project isn't as exciting as we imagined it would be.The chemistry in the mind is only needs the idea of something to give us a quick charge.  I guess this is how video games work or even searching on our phones simulates the hunt. 

The important thing is that the big goal has to be achievable in increments so that we can get to a place of small success. If the goal is not reasonable and seems so far out there that it will never happen then it won't work.  I guess I would call that milestones in the process.

It is funny to me that this is how I have always tricked myself into doing the next step towards getting something done. Convincing myself that it was just this small thing that needed doing today and not to worry about how big the project is. In the program we would say "you can eat an elephant one bite at a time". 

In the old days I would get paralyzed by the size of a goal and if I didn't think I could get it done perfectly all at one time I would just not do it. Now I realize that it was my desire for perfection that keep me from even trying. Now I know that the planning is part of the joy I feel and I should enjoy the process instead of the result.  When the project is finished I will just have to make new plans and start all over with another project.

I guess that is why I do have the perfect job for me. I can do all the planning and turn it over to others to make it come to life while I am planning something else and activating those feel good feeling. The lesson is to make big goals but not too big and have milestones along the way to celebrate. I think this is especially important right now with so much time alone with ourselves.

 

The voices in our heads - not ours - not good enough

Watching Chopped has become my new happy hour at night to wind down from the stress of the day. Last night there was an episode where one of the chefs playing talked about how his father thought he was never good enough. He never measured up and he left home at 17 and never went back.

He might not have went back but he brought his dad's voice along with him and it was controlling his life. Every round he confessed to the mistakes he had made to the judges and how he should be chopped.  He said he wanted to win so he could prove to his staff that he deserved to lead them. 

It was heart breaking because he was the only one that couldn't see that he was carrying the words of his father and hearing it from a child's perspective. When we are children our minds are like a big sponge and everything stays with us forever. We believe the opinions of the adults around us because they are the Gods in our lives.

In my own life I felt like I wasn't good enough no matter what kind of success I had in business or personally. I never really allowed myself to enjoyed the moment I had to keep working on to be better everyday. I rarely felt any joy in just living and being who I am.

In the program I did learn that what people said about me were just their opinions made through the lenses of their own messed up lives. Luckily I am the most stubborn person especially when someone tells me I can't do something. I pushed through every obstacle imaginable but never felt like I was enough. Some part of myself believed what was said about me when I was young. 

I have chosen people over the course of my life that mirrored my own feelings about myself. I wanted to be appreciated without appreciating myself.  I can see that now how I was striving to become good enough and have other people to fill that void in myself. Today I am free from that wanting and avoid the people that don't support me.  

The guy from the show won of course.  Ironically he was up against a woman who had great parents that supported everything she did.  She wanted to win to show her parents that the sacrifices they made for her were worth it. She remarked that it was sad to think his parents couldn't see his potential.  She was happy for him and hoped he could start believing in himself.

We are the ones that keep these voice alive sometimes even after the person who said them are dead. People are messed up and want to hurt other people with their words.  We can choose to believe those words or we can see they are only words. 

 

Being the adult in the room - Not helpless and abused - Dealing with the anger of others

Hope everyone had a good week.  I had a long work we not too manic but exhausting. Working yesterday was the icing on the cake with a seriously agitated woman and her husband coming in to pick up some material they purchased over the phone the day before.  It wasn't the right material and she was yelling at the receptionist. She decided she needed an adult to handle this and called me.

We have someone that handles the small stuff that is hourly and only works the regular week. He is eager to please and sometimes gets the details wrong because he is moving so fast. He has been a big help to the designers because we don't have to deal with this kind of stuff. 

She took her mask off to yell at me. Truthfully I was shaking but I found the right items and had to price them and then refund the wrong items and recharge the right items.  I had gone back to my office and worked up the price it took me longer because didn't want to make a mistake under stress. 

When I came back out she was complaining that it was taking me too long and got in my face again. I finally said "please do not talk to me like that - we are trying to help you". Even with my mask on she knew she had gone too far at this point and her whole demeanor changed.

In my own nervousness I did end up charging her card instead of refunding it so I had to refund twice and then charge the new amount. She did thank before she left and said they were under a lot stress moving from one house to another,

I hate it when people think that people in customer service are there for their abuse. I hear my co-worker next door constantly hammering people on the phone anytime she has a billing problem and it seems she always has billing problems. It isn't the person on the phone or in the store who is personally responsible for the mistake made why ruin someones day.

I think people get outraged about things to vent all that they are unhappy about in their very small world. Especially now because people are having a hard time adapting to the world changes we are experiencing  Being outraged towards strangers does not solve anything and just creates more stress. 

I get it for sure and what ever anyone does to us it isn't personal.  It is coming from a place that has nothing to do with us. This doesn't mean you have to accept bad behavior and you definitely have a right to stand up for yourself in a controlled none threatening way. 

I don't always like being the adult in the room but it is better than feeling helpless and abused. I am always careful to not lash back but realize I don't know what is going on with the other person. I don't want to add fuel to the fire. 

Glad to be home today with only myself to deal with. 

The deluxe life - being alone - The past

I use to have a deluxe life that is what my mind says when I feel emptiness especially around the holidays. I remember one 4th of July where my ex and I made pin wheels on the 4th for a party we were having.  We put them on each side of the driveway. The idea was from one of Martha Stewart's gracious living articles.  Ironically I think this was around the time she was heading for prison. Things were not so deluxe for her and if I am honest not so much for me either.

I always wanted a family and a lifestyle like I imagined other people had. I love visually beautiful things and I have spent my life improving on what is and tweaking constantly until everything is just right.  I wanted everything to be perfect that day the food the decorations I was all in.  Looking back my partner was probably not all in and was just going along which was what always worked for us.

In the beginning I did think that we were so much a like but really I was having myself reflected back to me. I did see this later on and tried to force the issue by asking for opinions and not getting them - only to end up frustrated and just doing my own thing.  I am strong willed and I know it so I am always careful to not run over other people when decisions are being made. It is true though that when no one in a group will make a decision I am willing to step up and make it.

I am a reluctant leader you could say which makes me a good at what I do. I listen to see what ideas people have and what they are thinking they want and then I work to bring them to life. In the end I want everyone to be happy and the dream in their head to come alive. 

Anyway when mind starts reminiscing about how I had the perfect life and now I have nothing I have to just stop myself. I have a choice to follow those thoughts down a sad negative path and pretend the past was so much better than it really was or I can just say no. I have a tendency to blame myself for everything this gives me control instead of admitting just like millions of other people I was cheated on and it ended the relationship. 

This was a long time ago and it really doesn't matter at this point and isn't something I allow myself to dwell on very often. It is just at holidays I imagine how my life would have been different if I had made different choices.  That doesn't really help does it? I was never happy because I felt alone all those years in my relationships mostly because I chose people that liked what I had to offer. I could take care of them I would create a nice life so they didn't really have to do anything. 

The truth is I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I am being a wife to myself and making myself a comfortable life. I don't need other people to need me in order to feel worthy of being loved. It has taken me this long to learn how to take care of myself and not feel guilty about it. 

I am a very different person than I was when I chose the people in my life. None them would work for me now even if they did magically came back. I am a whole person now and not the needy girl I use to be willing to live with emotionally unavailable people who never consider my needs.

The idea or another relationship isn't off the table if the opportunity arises but with social distancing at this point I could only meet someone delivering something. It could happen but even if it doesn't I will enjoy the life I have created for myself and be grateful I am not stuck in the past even if I occasionally indulge in the "what ifs" Thank God I can catch myself before it ruins my 3 day weekend.