I See You! - Being invisible

It has been a time of movement for me in ways that it is hard to wrap my mind around. I think it stems from just being ready.  I hate that you can't move on until the time is right no matter how bad you want to at least that is my experience.

I am seeing a new counselor even though when I made the appointment I really couldn't imagine what value this could add to my life. I definitely believe in therapy but I wanted to move away from my past and not have to rehash it again. When my ex walked through door an hour later I knew this was divine intervention. 

What I didn't expect was that she agreed with my decision to move away from most of the people in my life. Pointing out that these people did not support you the way you have supported them and it was an act of self love to move away from them. She pointed out that I haven't picked well and have attracted the same type of person over and over and that I deserved and needed more. 

I knew this but I have felt guilty but not enough to go back to those relationships.  Choosing to stay alone for the most part since no company is better than the drain and loneliness of being invisible. It isn't anyone's fault in the program it is said "trying to get bread from a hardware store". 

Starting with my own family ignoring me for as long as I remember and me thinking that was normal. I learned to take care of my own needs and to be autonomous. I learned early that attracting attention could backfire and you could never expect positive feedback. Keep your head down and just keep moving.

My stepmother reinforced this because when I was seen I was a target.  I learn to be even more invisible to avoid causing my daddy more more sadness since he had been through enough. 

I have been content to be invisible and no one minded as long as I was taking care of their needs and asking for nothing in return. I was happy to play that role until I felt dead inside even if I what I really wanted was to be seen. I wanted someone to say "thank you". 

There are perks for being invisible you don't have to take the shots that super stars have have to take. In my mind I really thought it was better to give than to receive. I preferred to be in pain than to have someone else suffer. 

I didn't know that until now I didn't dare to think I deserved to be thanked to have someone in my life say "hey I see what you are doing over there". Those aren't the people I picked but I did pick those that were like my family distant and not nurturing.

I have to say right now that I have fallen for those who have seen me no matter what their motives were.  A hand full of people that noticed what I brought to the table and were happy to at least a first acknowledge my existence. Being noticed felt like love to me,

I never believed I was valuable and tied my self worth to whether people loved me or not.  I knew that the more I did for others it seemed that they loved me more.  I knew that it wouldn't last because I knew I was not enough and they would see that. 

I believed that this was my fault that people couldn't love me. It never occurred to me that I have surrounded myself with the same person in different forms. It felt familiar some form of my parents love based on my level of contribution. 

This week I told someone that I was proud of myself for not letting my ex encounter rock my world. She said "well the fact you are telling me about it means that isn't true" I think this sums up the people in my life pretty well. They are not happy so they do not want anyone else to be happy either. Another trip to the hardware store for bread. 

She is another person who has never been seen and still does a lot for people who have no idea the effort it takes to support so many people without being noticed. She would never acknowledge that she would like to be seen. She rejects kind gestures because they aren't from the most important ones in her life. 

I spent the afternoon with my ex-mother-in-law this week.  She saw me because she is another invisible person working behind the scenes. We had a great visit and we couldn't stop talking. I felt so happy the next day my counselor said I seemed like a different person.  I knew it was because of that encounter with another person like me.

I spontaneously took the week off because I felt I need a rest. It isn't easy in my business but sometime you just got to do it.  With my work I am seen a lot but I get paid for it so I am not looking to be seen. 

I am going make an effort to start seeing the unseen.  I see them all because I am one them. 

Seasons of life - Reflection - Gratitude

I am feel like I have come out on the other side of my grief period.  The winter months have a lot of history for me and no matter whether I acknowledge it or not it is there in the back ground.  This year it was front and center from Thanksgiving to my mother's death anniversary the 15th.  In my mind I am thinking "get over it" but that isn't always possible. 

I don't really sit back and dwell on the events it just is an underlying sadness. Working with my ex has brought it front and center.  Just like in our relationship we are polite and pretending there is nothing unusual going on.  "Lets Just Pretend"  this can make a relationship last a long time. I tried to break through this for years but every effort ended badly me feeling like I was the villain and caused pain and suffering by wanting more.

My dad was just like that he wanted everything in Pleasantville to be pleasant. How can you complain when you have only peace in your home.  I can remember my mother trying to force my dad to give his opinion but he never did.  He would give you a string of facts about any subject he had knowledge about to help you make your decision. I loved my daddy but he seemed faraway even when he was right there with you. 

So I met someone like my dad. It was a good relationship and I felt secure there for a long time but I was lucky that I was forced to move on even if it feels like I haven't sometimes.  I am not that person so many years ago. It was a season of my life where I stayed busy with life until it hit a bump and everything I thought was important got taken from me and I had to choose whether to live or not.  

It took me a long time to decide. I didn't know who I was anymore and didn't trust myself anymore after choosing the wrong person for the second time. I lost the person I was and had to decide what to do next. A forced spiritual awakening that I don't recommend to anyone. It was necessary for me to come back to myself and love myself whether anyone else did or not. I stayed in a relationship where I was lonely because I thought who am I to want more.  

I don't believe in regret - what's the point? Every moment of our lives shapes us into the person we are today. I could make a long list of how my life would be different in a bad way without that relationship. I am grateful and mature enough at this point to see that. 

Growing up - Counseling - Moving on

The road is a little bumpy right now for me emotionally.  I decided to go to counseling just to see where I am at and maybe get an objective opinion to see where to go from here.

Having a brush with my ex only hours after making my first appointment felt like a sign from the universe that getting outside help is a good idea.  Truthfully nothing great has happened to me in the November - February months all the bad anniversaries and lurking around in my subconscious and conscious making me feel flat.

The first session was a getting to know session and we talked a little about my isolated and neglected childhood.  I haven't really talked to anyone about this because we think of my mother as a saint. What was said was that she was a strict disciplinarian who was fighting for her life and I stayed out of sight because it felt safer. 

We came to another conclusion in our second session that this is why I prefer to be in the background of all my relationships as well as my work life. It feels safer for me to do what needs to be done without drawing attention to myself. 

I guess I never really related this to my childhood.  I was for sure a strong willed child and received the punishment that went along with that. I just learned how to work around the system and accept the punishment when I got caught.  Eventually though I disappeared to my solitude in the basement to make things better for everyone else and myself. 

Every relationship after that reinforced this idea of putting the needs of others before my own. Not really asking for anything I actually needed.  It was enough to see other people happy. The problem with this is that you eventually feel empty and unappreciated. You have have taught the people around you to expect "you" to take care of everything. 

What is it that they say "an empty vessel has nothing to pour" I have ignored my neediness with most people because I have felt I was too much.  This is what I got from those early years is that I am a burden and I better make up for it by contributing as much as possible.

I have to bring this up again a woman that worked with me a long time ago bought her self a sandwich.  She appeared at my desk with a plate with a half of sandwich and some chips. I spontaneously started crying. 

Being starved for someone to think about my needs is why I end up in relationships where I am the star until the novelty wears off.  It is the same type of person over and over so I have learned not to trust myself and meet my own needs. Seeing my ex an being invisible once again really has messed with my head. It feels like everyone has moved on but me. 

Maybe this is the universe coming together to help me move on. Right now most of my relationships are based on people paying me to help them get what they want. I am comfortable with that and hold no resentment. If I am invisible I have done my job and there is tangible evidence.  I know I have a lot of growth ahead but for the moment this is where I am. 

Grief - It is part of life - Letting go

I feel like I have been grieving for the past few months.  Maybe due to the holidays or the weather or work slowing down for the holidays.  I don't really know what triggered it but I haven't felt like doing anything and have spent a lot of time doing nothing but watching TV.

The last two weeks I have felt a kind of a shift an opening up of my mind and my heart. The flow that I live in most of the time resuming and a this period of mourning ending. That is what I am doing I realize I am mourning the life that I will not have.

I went to a memorial yesterday that was packed - virtually no mask - what can I say?  A few lone wolves like myself mulling around.  We might as well had the mark of the beast on our foreheads the service being held in a fundamentalist church. If you wear a mask you don't trust God.

I get this because I was raised in a church like this and I really have no animosity towards these people because they are my people even if I don't blindly follow their beliefs. When they played a couple of praise and worship songs tears came to my eyes. 

I guess my point is that their heart is in the right place just like every other religion.  The core is truth, love and kindness but when humans are involved with our egos in charge we distort everything.  We want to feel we are special and part of an elite group of people chosen by God. This makes of secure and able to get up every morning and face the day.

We are all special and no life is worth more than another. We have to see that everyone is struggling especially now and deserve respect no matter where they are in life.  This of course is hard in practice because it is painful to see people suffer from their mistakes over and over again. We all can only be where we are in life right now.

I have suffered from my own mistakes.  Some of the things that happened to me I had no control over but I still felt somehow responsible. I thought I was damaged somehow and this is why these things were happening to me. If I hadn't raised myself I would have been told that this is just what life is like and it isn't anyone's fault. Life can really suck sometimes.

Final note my ex came into the showroom with parents in tow this week. 12 years have passed and there they were. I was on the floor and was blindsided I turnaround and went and got another designer.  She told me she couldn't wait on them because she was leaving. I went to my office and collected myself and headed back out. 

As you can imagine this brought up a lot feelings.  It was all business and went pretty well under the circumstances. A God thing I felt just to show me how far I have come. 

I am ready to move on to a new phase of my life. Seeing all the pictures at service with a huge family that love each other showed me that I was grieving and it is okay to do that. If my mother had lived I would have had some version of that family up on the screen but instead I got different life. My life has been mostly good but different than I imagined it would be.  No life is perfect and pictures represent only the best moments of any life at a memorial service.  

Grief is an act of letting go of the people we have loved and the sometimes the dreams we have had for our lives. We all do our best even if it isn't good enough and we make mistakes. We have to grieve our losses and move on.   

Embracing the space - Trusting grace

There is a certain speaker that I just don't enjoy his messages seem staged to me and I usually just turn him off.  Today I randomly stopped and listened and it felt like it was a message just for me.  The topic "embrace the emptiness"

If you believe in something greater than yourself you can be open to hear or see something that seems like it is directed to you at that moment at that time. My experience with the bird this weekend felt like a gift just like today's message felt like a gift.  

I have been struggling with emptiness through the holidays. I have intentionally emptied my life over the years to find peace.  I don't just want to fill every moment just to get through it so I don't feel alone.  I have done that and it makes me feel drained and anxious.

The message today was about space in our lives to let something greater come in. It made me think of myself standing on an empty platform at a train station alone waiting for my train to arrive. I am not anxious I am peaceful knowing that shortly I will be on my way.

I feel my life has been touched by grace.  I have overcome many obstacles and in seemingly impossible situations I have been protected time after time. I know the only credit I can take for that is really just letting go and trusting that I can't do it on my own. I look back today at all the times I felt lost and empty like I have the past few weeks and know it will pass. 

The message was sent to me at just the right moment. Normally I wouldn't be home today or watching anything and again I wouldn't have been open to this particular speaker. I can accept the grace in the words "emptiness is leaving an opening for something greater than what we can imagine".

It feels awkward and for the doer in me I ask myself "what if nothing shows up and you never feel excited or inspired about life again?" Can I trust the emptiness? 

I have been cleaning out my old files at work close to 300 or more files and I have also been purging at home. This has triggered an idea that I am finished with things as they are and I am moving on. This has made me feel panic inside since I don't have a plan but today's message was for me "you don't need a plan just trust the process". 

With the pandemic everything is different we are all different. Our culture of doing seems more empty than ever and we all are just trying to feel like our old selves but that person doesn't exist anymore.  We are forever changed and maybe that is a good thing and sitting with the emptiness is an opportunity to find out what will fill us with new joy. 

    

My turkey companion - Finding Peace

Today I was getting ready to blow the leaves off in my driveway when a turkey wandered into my yard. Now I am not in a rural setting where friendly wildlife is an everyday occurrence. I decided to sweep instead of using the blower. He or she stayed out there with me for an hour standing within one foot of me. The closer I swept to her the closer she came to me. 

I thought this was amazing to have a companion while doing my chores. She had no fear and walked through my pile of leaves kicking them around. I felt at total peace the whole time seeing the true miracle of life and survival even in an ordinary subdivision where the houses are built ten feet apart. 

It ended when a woman who walks the neighborhood interrupted us she didn't even see the bird until I pointed her out.   While we were talking the bird disappeared as if she was never there. 

My holiday has been long and I wrote a few post but lost interest before actually posting them.  I have been a little low "tis the season" but I am not complaining. I have to grab the time off when customers aren't looking for me so I am grateful even if it leaves me with a lot of time in my head. 

Today I am finishing up a lot of final things on my do to list. The weather here is about 20 degrees hotter than normal and all the plants think is is spring and are blooming.  This adds to a world that already feels upside down. You can't tell what time of year it is along with the plants.  

I am okay when I just stay in my peaceful place where I just do "the next right thing" it is only when I start wondering about the rest of my life and what I want to fill it with that I get into trouble. I feel stuck and bored and wonder if I am depressed. Does everyone feel this way when they stop long enough to think about where they have been and where they are going?

Sometimes being busy just feels like I am running from something which is what I did for years missing entire decades of my life and the people in it. I want to be awake and live more deliberately.  

I am back at work full on starting tomorrow and I won't have the pain or luxury of time to ruminate over the past.  I am going to make some changes this year getting back out there virus or no virus. I need to find somewhere I can use my talents to make a difference.  My new year's resolution if you want to call it that.  Hope everyone is peaceful and enjoying the hope of a new year. 

The Power of Now - Being Grateful

I picked up my old copy of The Power of Now just to see where I am on the spiritual spectrum.  This book helped save my life quite literally because he talked about the voice inside as the ego.  You have a listener and a talker up there whether anyone wants to admit it or not.

We stay so busy with listening to the talker we create a life in our head that isn't exactly the truth our personal version of the truth.  If that truth gets bad enough and you can't cope you  you have some sort of awakening. Also could be called a mental break of some kind. I think this happens when the version of life you had in your head doesn't match a hard punch of reality. 

Then the ego we created to run our lives is not use to being seen as helpless and just keeps pushing and trying to find a solution to the unsolvable problems until there is no place to go. For me it was a number of things mostly grief that I ignored - the loss of the life I thought I would have even if I wasn't happy there at least I thought knew where I was going.

I am awake now as in "the power of now" when I have too much time on my hands like I did over Thanksgiving I can drift into what I wish had happened instead of what happened.  This is great for my book but bobbing up and down in the cesspool of the past can leave me  rotten. I feel hungover and worse I feel dead inside.

When I went black before I was in this state everyday all day for what felt like years. I was a zombie just doing things that I knew I did before but not really sure why. When I feel this even for a day I panic and think it is back to stay but I wake up the next morning feeling normal or normal for me anyway. 

I didn't ask to have an awakening.  I did always want to be enlightened when I thought it meant peace a tranquility all the time. I didn't know without the burden a giant ego telling me all the time that I needed to being doing something better or I should be further along or happier that I would have so much time.  I still have that but only in small doses. 

Eckhart Tolle says that we would be better off without the idea of time. It would make us less anxious about everything.  I get that because we are always thinking about something other than what we are doing right now. I have decades I hardly remember because I was overbooked all the time. I felt like I was being chased and if I stopped it would be over and I was right.

I am happy most of the time unless I compare myself to other people's full lives and wonder what I did wrong. I talked to a guy at work yesterday and I told him I wasn't too busy and he said to enjoy it. He lost his wife last year and three sisters and a cousin so life is short and we should try to enjoy it. That made me stop feeling like I should be working harder and enjoy the freedom this season brings me.