shooting - guarding our minds

Another shooting in the news it is disturbing that it is just becoming a normal event in the news.  I think many things can cause a society to turn to violence to solve problems.  We pretend that violence on TV or games or even by police doesn't really send the message that this is how to resolve conflict.

I also don't think you can stop someone who has no regard for their own life from taking as many people with them as they can.  I do think between the time they become angry and the time they take action a lot of thoughts pass through their brain.  Somewhere  they have gotten the idea that this is the only solution. They should get what they want at any cost.  Where does this idea come from?

I recently watched a magician follow a guy all day as he went about his normal errands.  Each stop he either played a certain song or had someone in the store whistle the same song.  At the end of the day as part of the magic act he said "think of a song but don't tell me what it is" then he had the band from the restaurant come outside and play that very song. The guy couldn't believe it.

My point is that our minds are constantly absorbing what is around us.  I think that we need to guard what we casually listen to or watch. The advertisers have known this since the beginning even going as far as subliminal text during commercials. We can't ignore what is being fed to us every minute.

Today everything is instant gratification.  We don't want to wait 3 seconds for something to come up on our phone.  This is setting us up for major life conflicts.  When things don't go our way we can't deal with disappointment.  Combine this with the testosterone and ego and it won't end well.

I didn't know about the shooting until my cousin called me to let me know.  I select what I watch for my own peace of mind. For me knowing bad things are happening doesn't change anything.  It just plants a seed that life is not safe.  The truth is life is not safe but living in fear doesn't make it any safer it just ruins every minute living in fear. 

When the dust settles - Not making plans

We are heading for the home stretch with the remodel.  Everything in my house is covered with a fine layer of drywall.  I have decided to just wait and not try to clean until literally the dust settles. My last remodel at my other house I was in my thirties and had specific ideas about how everything should be done and how long it should take.  I cleaned everyday only to find the dust there the next morning.  I was a perfectionist and this set me up for a lot of disappointments and drove the people around me nuts.

This time lets say I am "more seasoned".  Back then I had lost my corporate job and gone back to school.  In my mind I was being supported by someone else and was trying to find my identity while earning my keep.  This was pressure I was putting on myself to prove I was valuable for all that I brought to the table.

The thing I have learned is that even if you bring nothing to the table you are still valuable. You may not meet your own expectations or be popular with the people around you but you are still a human being and here on the planet and are valuable.

It is true that if you do more and be more you will have more friends and you will have a higher opinion of yourself but in the end this is just the ego getting fed. It sometimes leads us to look at other people as less valuable than ourselves or the groups that we belong to.  We are special and they are not we are right and they are wrong.

It is a real trap.  I think we do this so we feel safe and belong.  If we do the right things with the right people then we are somehow insulated from the bad things or people out there that can hurt us. Even the idea of the after life is a safety net in case we lose someone we love or something goes wrong we can know that it will all work out in the end.  I don't think we could survive without these ideas.

For myself I am focusing on today and the people that are a part of my life today this moment. The grand scheme in our heads is really just a distraction.  My mind loves this kind of entertainment.  The planning and scheming of my pretend future.  I will have a future but it probably won't match the one in my head exactly.  I have to ask myself "what am I missing today by making those plans?"

You can make plans but it is the actual act of making those plans that is enjoyable and not depending on the outcome to make you happy. Putting my happiness in the hands of a specific outcome can set me up for serious pain,  Life doesn't have a plan just us. Be happy today and don't look to some future day to be happy.

I knew this remodel would not make me happy.  Yes even when it is done I will love it but then my mind will be on to something else.  I have enjoyed the planning and meeting the different workers coming in the house but when the dust settles I will be left with myself and what is next.

Angry People - Seeing our true selves - Impossible

I had my house re plumbed on short notice this past week.  It was one of those decision where I could wait for some point in the future when the slab started leaking or do it now while the house is a mess already. I decided to just do it while the plumber had an opening.

It has been a week of chaos with all the trades in and out of the house.  It is noisy and dirty but everyone did a great job.  The first day with the plumbers the guy was yelling up to the other guy in the attic in this really angry voice. He sounded so annoyed and really treated the other guy like he was and idiot.  The guy in the 100+ degree attic was very pleasant and would answer back as if no that was the norm.  They have worked together a long time and this was normal.

On Saturday our electrician was here and he ask me who the plumbing company sent.  I could remember their names an angry guy and a tall thin guy.  He said "oh the angry guy is ____ and the other guy is _________."

I have always been a people observer and wondered why others act the way they do.  One time, when I was a kid, after a particular holy rolling pentecostal service I ask my mother why one of the women in the church was faking pretending to be touched by the spirit. She looked at my father and they waited a few minutes and then said "only God knows if she is pretending."  I thought "it is pretty obvious so I guess just God and me."  This began a lifetime of me saying the wrong things to other people.

After my stepmother came on the scene I did learn to say nothing most of the time.  When I married the alcoholic keeping quiet seemed safer most of the time.  I did once confront my ex's sister a particularly angry person and ask her "why are you so angry?" She was like the plumber - no matter what the words were coming out of her mouth there was anger underneath.

She had a lovely angry come back for me which I don't remember now.  I knew it was about her own father I totally understood that I had been there myself.  I just said "it doesn't hurt the person that you are angry at just you and your own family.  He is winning."  Her kids were small then and over time she softened and with every visit she seemed happier. I would like to think I got through a little bit.  My ex was furious with me and said it was none of my business but I wanted to save her from the years of unhappiness that I had experienced.

I internalize my own anger and it surfaces as sadness and depression. Mostly because I am a controller and feel that I should have done something differently so the outcome in really my fault.  Instead of just saying the other person hurt me and let the anger out.  I try to justify the reasons for their actions and be understanding about where they are coming from.  This is really putting myself last again.  I feel trapped in this cycle sometimes because it makes me powerless to get past the pain.

I have endured a lot of crappy behavior from other people in my life.  I have mostly believed that somehow I deserved it that something about me isn't worthy of love and respect.  When I am low this is what I think about. In the end I know that I have to be loving to myself and not tie my worth to my past experiences.  Thinking "I am not enough" or "I wasn't enough for ________" keeps me from feeling joy about today.

I do believe that this deeply embedded insecurity has to do with the loss of my mother.  It imprinted on me that I have to be self sufficient and not trust another person to be there for me.  It is from when my mother got sick and I had to fend for myself. I am comfortable on my own and when I have trusted other people they have ultimately rejected me.

Most of time I can accept where I am and do find happiness every day but when I am down and feel lonely these are the thoughts that cause my unhappiness.  I tell myself I can change these beliefs that  I have about myself but some days it is just where I am.

As far as angry people I doubt they know that other people see them as angry.  We never know how other people perseive us.  We have the story we tell ourselves about ourselves and unless someone says something to us to make us question our thoughts then it is a lifetime of suffering.  I have been a hurt child on my own most of my life with only myself for feedback.  Isn't that crazy.

Making plans - Spinning Plates

I should have never had the idea of taking it easy in the month of July.  The universe shouted right back at me with more work than I could have imagined along with my renovation this has left me little time for anything but sleep. 

I am not complaining I just think is is comical when you plan one thing and something totally different happens.  This is where we get really messed up believing that we really have any control of our lives.  To have a plan is definitely the way to feel safe setting out on our path with a specific goal or destination and expecting things will go our way.  How we react when obstacles start popping up one by one testing our every movement forward is what really matters.

The pain is in the resistance of course not in the actual problems that arise.  For me my pain is not being able to meet what I think are the expectations of others. Especially in my work you have to decide who is serious and who is just poking around the idea of doing something. 

I feel mostly like I am gambling with my time and in the end my money. Who should I invest in and who has been watching too much HGTV.  Business comes in clumps not a steady even stream where I have the time to address first come first serve. You have to make those choices and I hate that part but I only have 24 hours in each day.

It stresses me out when I have to choose what I can fit into the time I have available in a given day. Sometimes working on what I sense is a dead end instead of bigger more long term projects. Why would I do that?  Because I am getting pressure and in order to move on I have to relieve that pressure.

I have gotten use to working like this over the years and once I have all my plates spinning I can really get a lot done. This why time away isn't good for me when I return  I am resistant to people hurtling plates at me and I have resentments.  Eventually I get back up to full speed and it all seems normal again.

What works for me is first not really making plans.  I have specific loose goals for the day and I do my best to meet them.  I tell myself that I have always worked this way and for the most part I can trust my instinct and I will get it all done.  If I don't then it wasn't meant to be and I move on.

I have ask other people in my business how they deal with it and they say there is no way to meet every one's needs all the time.  I am lucky that I enjoy what I do and I don't have a lot of personal commitments so I can put in the hours.

 It is good to put into words that it is okay to feel overwhelmed from time to time and that it all works out if you just don't make plans. 

"Who cares!" - Dreams

I have been having some strange dreams lately.  This morning I woke up after an old friend and I were out driving around in our pajamas's or at least I was in my pajamas when we spotted an deli with what looked liked some yummy treats.  It was just a store front with everyone just standing around sampling things through a window.

I remember asking my friend "do you think they will notice I am in my pajamas?"  She replied, "who cares!"  When got out of the car one of the guys started treating us like real customers offering up incense sticks as a gift. His partner gave us the once over and shock his head at the other guy and he withdrew his offer. They did not speak English and I figured we were in another country.

I don't give much credence to dreams.  I think they are usually a mixture of bad TV and a late dinner.  If I had to interpret this one I would say that I miss my friend. She was a bit of a bully and ran off during my dive into blackness. It is of course more complicated than that.  She was emotionally shut down except for anger and couldn't really relate to the profound grief I was going through losing my relationship and the life I once had.

She told me that she complained to her husband about my extended grief and he said  " sure you would be over me in about five minutes."  I wondered if that was true.  They have split since then and I imagine that it wasn't that easy.  She had what appeared to be the good life but he traveled and she was lonely. When he did come home he spent his free time at the local bars.  He was really into music.

She wanted a man that was into the spiritual not the spirits.  She complained to me for years about him and I suggested she go to my counselor.  She did go and then they went and then he announced he wanted out. This was about the same time as out friendship ended.  I always wondered if she blamed me for the push for counseling.  I had heard here pain for many years and wanted her to find some relief so I don't accept the blame. 

I saw my counselor a year ago and she said my friend was doing well and was very happy.  I thought that it was good that she had moved on and found some happiness.  I have thought of calling her but I have a hard time going back where I have already been at least willingly.

I know sometimes if I am honest I find myself repeating the past.  Even if it is different places and faces the underlying theme is the same.  I gravitate towards the familiar what and who feels really comfortable. I have known different versions of my father throughout my life along with a few others.  I figure that is the relationships I am still working on.

In my family dreams are messages from God and are to be taken seriously. In my dream I guess I could say first come as you are and partake of every morsel offered. Don't mind the judgment of some people it only affects you if you let it.  You might miss out on some freebies offered to everyone else but "who cares!"

Chat with Jesus - Take what you like and leave the rest

I think it is funny that the minute I finished my post last week about how great things were going I got a phone call that started a week long crisis at work. On Tuesday I just sat in my car wondering if there was an easier less stressful way to make living. I questioned whether to go ahead with my kitchen or save the money for and earlier retirement.

Luckily by the end of the week I was over it and had accepted that this is part of my job. I ordered my cabinets yesterday and feel pretty free today.  I am off this weekend and will be taking this time to relax and regroup.

I did meditate everyday this week to try to offset the massive stress I was feeling and I had one particularly interesting session. It does have a religious slant so take what you like and leave the rest.  I thought it was really funny and wanted to share it with you.

I was on the water in my pontoon boat.  This is where I like to be a peaceful quiet place moving slowly.  The sun is bright and reflecting on the water it isn't too warm maybe late spring.  There is canopy over the boat so the table I am sitting at is in the shade.  I am sitting there and suddenly Jesus appears.  I said to him " wow you are so beautiful" he said " yes I look like the picture that your grandmother had of me in her front room."  He was right he was the Jesus from that halo gram picture in my grandmothers house the one with the big gold frame with it's own special  light. She had gotten it from one of her donations to a TV ministry. 

We talked about my recent decision to take care of myself and my own life and focusing on my own joy. He told me that I had helped a lot of people in ways that I would never really know.  That I had taken care of other people most of my life and that it was okay to enjoy what is left of my own life. I told him sometimes I am lonely and he said that when he was here he was lonely too even when surrounded by people all the time.

While talking I noticed that he was wearing heavy robes (like the picture) I said "aren't you hot in those robes" He said "I am not a person."  That was it the end of my talk with Jesus.

You can say what you like about this little episode but it helped me.  Maybe it was me talking to me or maybe something more.  Until that moment I hadn't thought about that picture of Jesus at my grandmothers house since I was an adult. He was beautiful long flowing dark hair with highlights the sun shining on his face.  My grandmother was a serious believer and prayed about everything. She even prayed the bugs away from her old early 1900's house.  I have to admit she didn't have bugs.

I try not to put limitations on my own beliefs and the beliefs of others.  If something works for you and it brings you peace then whose to question that. I do think that religion can sometimes close you off from the fact that we are all the same.  We suffer when we lose someone we love or when we watch the people we love self destruct.  We all feel helpless and lonely sometimes even when we are with other people.

I spoke to a woman this week that is really into finding the right religious group. She also said her mother died when she was 12. I told her about my own mother's death and how it can really mess you up and you can spend a lifetime searching for security that doesn't exist. Being the group that is going to heaven makes you feel secure but you can miss out on the joy that is in your life every day. The search feels valid but it can be a distraction from real life. 

Maybe that was too much but I felt like I had to say it. It is my "testimony" as they would say in the church of my childhood. Again "take what you like and leave the rest."

No one to blame - Not even me - Work versus play - flow

There has been a slight lull in the action on the work front so I am taking the opportunity to reflect on the overall state of my life.  I spent a few hours of my work day this week purging the millions of files that represent both real customers and those just wanting the numbers. I use to take this personally especially if I have a connection with someone I really want to do the job. 

I have reached the five year mark at my place of business and have matured considerably since I have been there.  I have to say the I don't get too attached to people or the prospect of a particular job.  I realize that people have there own agenda and are working through the process themselves.  What they dream of having and what they are willing to pay for that dream.

I believe that I get the jobs I am suppose to get.  I look at life through spiritual eyes and know that it is all working towards something.  Okay that sounds good but it isn't really true.  I really believe that life is random and you just have to stay in the flow of things with the least resistance possible.

When I am pushing or wanting a particular outcome and it just isn't working I need to step back and ask myself "why is this so important to you? - Is it life or death? - Is the outcome more about satisfying your ego's need to get something?"  I think that most of the time I am trying to keep up the reputation I have given myself.  What would a hard worker do or a kind person do? Maintaining an image I have of myself.

This isn't something you do consciously it is more a way to label yourself better than the average person.  A higher standard for yourself and it also gives you the opportunity to judge other people for not being at the same level.  I use to be so indignant about the actions of others and felt because I worked so hard and others decided to spend there time having fun that somehow my choice was better. Do I really know that?  I am a person that likes work more than I like play.

The reality is that it is just a choice.  Life is just choices we make everyday that sometimes work and sometimes don't.  We can't do anything about the random events of life we can just decide what our choice will be each moment with every situation. 

At work I have the reputation of having more high maintenance customers.  I have great customers for the most part but that doesn't mean they don't challenge me sometimes but I know it isn't personal.  Their lives have made them who they are and I am just working with them temporarily.  They don't know how they are perceived none of us do.  It isn't my place to change them.

We are all trapped in our own description of ourselves.  Our mind is always working to maintain who we believe we are everyday.  I fill lucky that I have been given the opportunity to question the reality of the thoughts I have about myself and know the thoughts aren't real just thoughts.

This helps me to know I don't have to be so serious about everything.  I don't have to have someone to blame if something isn't going the way I wanted it to.  I can just work on what is on my plate for today and be kind to others as they figure things out for themselves.

Most people go through life unconscious thinking that they are a victim of their circumstances. This is just who they are and nothing can be done about it.  I used to think like that and sometimes wish I could be that girl before I took the bite of apple.  But once you see you can't unsee - once you know you can't unknow.  It is scary to have no one to blame not even yourself.

People are suffering and dealing with the life they have been given. Working through the good surprises and the bad surprises life is always dishing out.  It would be nice if we could control this but believing we can is exhausting and devastating when something bad happens.  Staying in the flow without saying "why me?" can avoid a lot pain. Knowing it isn't any one's fault it is just life is freedom.