Christmas Trees - Denial - Rapture

I am working a lot which is great this time of year for a single person living alone.  There is some forced Christmas cheer going on at work.  We always have a Christmas tree and one OCD person always puts it up.  They decided this year that they did not have the time so and innocent new person with nothing to do called their manager and got permission to put the tree up.

Well apparently there was a scene in front of customers when the keeper of all things arrived to find the tree up. This person has done this before and I am sure the outburst was more about the fact they had fallen short of their normal duties.  When you believe you are the only person that can do anything correctly and then someone has the nerve to do it and not meet your standard of perfection then this is reason for a meltdown.

Nothing will happen it will just be one more story about this person to spread throughout the company.  I was happy I was working at home like I am today.  I only know what happened because I innocently commented on how beautiful the tree looked..

This time of year feels like a farce to me and reminds me of when I use to force Christmas when I lived with alcoholism. We were pretending that there wasn't a volcanic eruption just below the surface and that any moment the relationship would be covered with molten lava.

I was so afraid of losing everything that I just kept moving.  I was doing all the things that other people do at Christmas.  Hoping that the outside decorations would somehow transform the horrible loneliness and fear I felt on the inside.  I pushed out reality by staying busy I was afraid of losing the one person I felt really knew and loved.

The year he left at Thanksgiving by Christmas I was still deep in denial and guilted him to go with me to cut down a Christmas tree like we had done every year we were together.  I didn't know that his girlfriend was impatiently waiting back at her apartment. I used my Al-Anon persuasion to get him to go with me.  I was going to pretend nothing had changed. I didn't know about the girlfriend and thought maybe we could talk things through and re-kindled something.

I did find out months later and the truth of my situation sent me to Al-Anon. The severity of the situation broke open the fortress of denial I had been living in alone. No Christmas tree or lights on the house or candles in the windows could mask the truth anymore.  I was awake for the first time and the pain like nothing I had ever felt.

Since then I have stopped hiding behind the Christmas fanfare. Since getting in the program my internal life is not dependent on these rituals to complete me.  Some years years I do a tree and some years I don't.  During my last relationship my ex wasn't that interested either way so it felt like I was alone with the idea of Christmas trees and decoration. At that point I wasn't interested in forcing another Christmas tree purchase on anyone.

I am a little sad this year that my life is only full of mostly work. I can't change the path that my life has taken or mentally erase the past.  I was sitting and eating my lunch yesterday and remembered one Christmas when we were going north to the in-laws for the holiday and had decided to open our gifts before heading to the airport.  We made a huge mess and just left. My friend stopped to check on the house and he said it looked like the rapture had taken place and we had been taken right in the middle of Christmas.  The memory brought tears to my eyes and then laughter. Life goes on.

Passion - trapped

I have been watching a lot of documentaries on Netflix. I am not that interested in fiction anymore. Maybe because I have been living in the fantasy inside my head  for so long I not sure I want to spend time in another persons fantasy.

The ones I have been watching are about passion to do complete something and the drive or creative process behind that.  I watched the story of Elmo and his creator and then last night the Indie Games the story behind some of the geeks that are creating top independent video games.

Both stories were similar in that they were passionate and it never occurred to them to do something else instead. The Elmo creator and puppeteer made his first puppet out of his dad's coat lining after watching Sesame Street.  Luckily his dad was supportive and told him to ask next time. His story was what you imagine it would be like if you were born to do something specific.

The geeks were a little different for sure obsessed but because they were pressured to release their games at a certain time their lives were full of stress.  One person coding day and night for years. Some worked in pairs but others were totally isolated for years without money and even without a car. The movie was about the successful ones that have now made millions who are now working on new games.

I could relate to their suffering it reminded me of the time I spent during the recession without customers feeling stressed and trapped wondering whether I should just quit and go back to my previous profession. I had invested so much time and money at that point but with the lack of success I wasn't sure what to do.  I was there alone in the office waiting for customers to come in and at that point the were coming in maybe once a week.

Sometimes you are at a crossroad but sometimes you are way past that crossroad and in a space of complete emotional exhaustion.  In my case when I looked at the jobs out there in my old profession it made me feel physically sick. Mentally I don't think I would have been able to pretend to be excited about a new position during an interview.

I had left that part of me behind and I couldn't go back. Those were some of the worst years of my life and I do feel grateful at this moment that I am busy and happy where I am. It was the right move for me to leave my old profession and it was the right move for me leave that small shop and work for a larger company.

Both decisions were forced on me for different reasons.  They made me have to re-invent myself and accept that the plan I had for my life was going to be different. It didn't make it easier that I was having to do that with my personal life too.

The good news is that I made it and feel like a success.  Even though didn't have millions waiting for me like the game developers did. It all worked out even though I couldn't imagine how it was going to at the time.

In the big picture passion can seem clamorous but in the day to day it can be a grind to stick with something when you can't imagine it will ever end.  The thing you once loved stops being fun but you just have to get up and do it anyway. You have gone too far to turn back.

I love design and I love anything creative.  I am happy that I made through both transitions and work in a field makes good living and allows me to be creative.  Happy to be no longer stuck.

Uncle James - My first experience with an alcoholic

The first memory of  alcoholism was when I was around four.  My Uncle James who lived with my grandmother had passed out on the kitchen floor and because of his size she couldn't get him up. She was preparing for some kind of family dinner and there he was in the middle of the kitchen floor.

My grandmother was a true un-treated Al-Anon nothing phased her.  She ask me to fetch a stack of news papers from the back porch. Then she promptly covered him up and we continued to cook stepping over him as if this is what everyone does.

I loved my Uncle James he was a three war veteran and the kindest person when he wasn't drinking. He had a lot of physical ailments from the wars not to mention emotional problems so he got a big check at the first of the month from the government this helped my grandmother get by. He was my favorite uncle because he told me stories and actually talked to me like I was an adult.

He was what I would call now a binge drinker.  He would sometimes go six months sober start working with a family friend who owned house painting business and then we would have a family event and the drinking would begin again. The days before the event my grandmother would be especially relieved that he wasn't drinking and she could count on him to help her get things ready. Without fail he would leave the house the morning of and come back just as things were underway completely trashed and would stay that way for months.

I remember one party in particular where he showed up with a present for me. A little cross necklace he picked me up and put me in his lap. I could smell the booze and it felt weird my grandmother was furious and won't let me accept the gift.  She then made him go to his apartment next door.

I remember sometimes my grandmother would pretend that someone important was coming over if he had passed out on the couch or something.  She would grab him by his hair and shake his whole head. She would yell "so and so will be here any minute" He was unconscious and never moved.

My grandmother was his biggest enabler. She let him live in a small apartment on the first floor of her house.  They had a door between them and when he was sober the door was open and when he wasn't it was bolted from her side.  She had to keep her food hidden around the house in case he got drunk and started cooking. When he got started he would stop until there was nothing left.

My grandmother would drag everyone into the drama.  She would get the help of my other uncle during the binges. He was a long time deputy sheriff in our town and his fellow officers would call him when they found my uncle passed out in bars or sometimes in alleyways where he had been robbed after he got that check. My uncle would by-pass the system and deliver him home to sleep it off.

Overall it was better for us when my grandmother knew where he was my mother would get less calls and there was overall less drama. I know there was AA back then but I don't think my family knew about that. We were more the type to rely on Jesus and keep our family problems to ourselves.

After my mother died my aunt moved my grandmother and uncle to the town I live in now.  I came here because I was alone and thought having them here would be a safety net.  I knew I couldn't live with them because I couldn't deal with their drama.  They didn't live together anymore so I stayed with my uncle for a month until he hocked some of my stuff to get money for booze. Nothing changes.

I was there about a month and moved out after he stole my stuff. Shortly after that he destroyed the house after a cooking spree where he passed out and left a pot on the stove. He was fine but the house was un livable. My aunt moved him back in with my grandmother and my grandmother put a deadbolt on the bedroom where she hid her food.

We never really spoke after that.  The weather here wasn't great for his health and he ended up in a VA hospital in Arizona where they were treating veterans with emphysema. My aunt said he seemed at peace out there not having to live up to any one's expectations. Everyone wanted him to succeed he was so lovable when sober and had such potential.

I started this post thinking I would write about why I didn't see my own husbands alcoholism. I do think that I thought all alcoholics were like my uncle. I didn't know that there was functioning alcoholics. I thought my husband and his Irish Catholic family just like to have fun.

I realize now that the drama of alcoholism was there from the very beginning for me and I know the heartbreak my grandmother felt seeing someone you love someone with such potential throw it all away.

My ex husband has gone on to create a new life for himself and I don't know if he is still drinking or not but I can now wish him well.  I am happy that he has already had a better life than my uncle did. I am grateful that AA and Al-Anon are more mainstream today and that families don't have to just live with their secrets.

When people leave

It is the eve of Thanksgiving and I wondered whether I should write about the past.  Does writing about it give it more power over me or show me that there is more work for me to do? I am not sure we shall see what comes out here on this page.

I have had two major adult relationships the first lasting almost a decade and the other over a decade. Both of these relationships ended abruptly on Thanksgiving.  Technically not on Thanksgiving one the day before and the other the day after.  I think it is safe to lump them under the overall heading of "Thanksgiving" either way.

Your never prepared for the moment when the person you expect to spend the rest of your life says "I don't love you anymore" together with "I love someone else".  The world stops at that moment and something else begins.  The we ends and the me begins and the question of who I might be without this person. Somehow getting ready for 20 people coming for dinner the next day seems like a cruel joke. Just for the record I canceled the dinner and never cleaned that kitchen again.

What timing both my ex's had for their departure or in the second incidence my own departure. The second time I didn't go quietly into the night and I didn't beg like I did the first time. I knew more I knew the look that you can see is some one's eyes that they have moved on and that you are standing between them and a lifetime of happiness. The first time I was only told "I don't love you anymore" so I believed there was hope. (seriously)  If I had heard the second part "I love someone else" I would have moved on more quickly.  The truth might have set me free.

The good news is that I have gotten over it and even though this holiday will never be one I am really thankful for it isn't one that triggers the side of me that blames me for what happened in both cases.

People leave.  They start leaving way before they pack there bags or make you pack your bags.  At least that is my experience. I always thought that couples had problems and when you did you would sit down and talk about them and then get professional help. That seems like the mature thing to do. Right?

They were both brilliant people but not too emotionally mature and honestly neither was I.  I picked them because they fit me for that time in my life and frankly I can't imagine still being with them. I have worked hard to address my own immature thinking and I have stopped looking for another person to determine my worth.

This wasn't an easy post to write but it is the truth about Thanksgiving for me.  I am more me than I have ever been.  I have found the strength to be myself even if right now that means I am alone.  I am thankful tonight that I am not where I use to be and I am grateful to the people that have left.

Introverts - The devil - Safety pins

Every where I go it seems people are still in shock about the direction it seems our country is going. I attended an art event last night and it was no surprise that there was a lot of talk about "T" among the artist and patrons attending.  I saw a few safety pins being worn something that started in Britain after their vote to leave the European union.

Just as I mentioned before that when you travel in the same circles with people like yourself you have a sense that your on the right side and that most people agree with you. As a democrat who was raised in a devoutly conservative fundamentalist home it has taken me a long time to find my place in the spiritual as well as the political world.

There was never hate in my home my mother instilled the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"  this was really our creed. I never heard my parents criticize each other or anyone else.  It was clear that we were republican because the democrats were godless and we just needed to pray for them.

It was the south and the 60's and 70's and in our religion we believed that we had the only ticket to heaven.  When I married a catholic I might as well have married the devil himself. He did turn out to be the devil. But it turned out that living with  devil  forced me to stand up for myself and grow spiritually in ways I couldn't imagine.  I can thank him for being the person I am today.  A last note about my mother she single handily rallied the church wives to get out and vote. This was was pretty radical for the housewives of her time.

After speaking with my sister this week it is clear our parents gave us the ability to step away from our emotions and try to understand where other people might be coming from.  It isn't easy when it seems they are so wrong and we are so right.  She felt that the democrats should have come up with a less polarizing candidate.  I said that train left the station a long time ago when she lost to Obama.

I have a eastern sense of belief about life in general but I understand the fear that motivates a lot of people.  The fear that if we are inclusive and that if we accept people that are different from us we don't have the same clear sense that we are absolutely right in our own personal beliefs.

I also think that democrats just like republicans and want to dismiss the other half of the country as nuts. I think the election was driven by fear and the country was ripe for someone who was willing to bi-pass the usual status quo of both sides and just be his own outrageous self. Reality TV.

I do think this is a wake up call for us democrats it is my experience that as individuals we aren't that visible.  In general we are introverts and don't put bumper stickers on our cars or even signs in our yards.  Maybe it is time to get more involved maybe this will motivate us to do something different.

I know from my own personal experience that the worst things in my life (the devil) can actually get me moving in a more self-empowered way.  Instead of sitting around in shock wondering how we got here.  Moments of reflection are good but then the next step is action.

Signs - Covering all the bases

I spent the day alone yesterday after a full work week and then a preparing a dinner on Friday night for my best friends birthday I was exhausted.  I am glad thatI am busy at work and it hasn't given me too much time to think about the election but last night YouTube queued up a video of a preacher talking about the moon event tomorrow night.

The moon will be the closest it has been to the earth in seventy years.  About the predictions in the Bible and I have to admit this really took me back to my childhood and my grandmothers stories about the end of times. I turned it off as soon as I heard where he was going.  I woke up fearful this morning and haven't really been able to shake it.

When I was about five I would regularly go outside and look for the coming of Jesus.  We talked about it all the time and to a five year old it was a pretty big deal.  One night I went out and there was a bright light in the sky bigger than I had ever seen. I ran back in the house told my dad that I thought Jesus was coming that night.  He followed me out and we looked at the light together and he explained to me that it was just a spot light from a local grand opening.

I was disappointed but still kept up my nightly vigil wanting to be first to see him coming. We moved shortly after that to the suburbs where there was a lot of other things to distract me. As I grew older I realized that people have been waiting a long time for him to come again and it was doubtful he would show up just for me.

Over the years I have merged my fundamentalist beliefs with what I have learned through my own spiritual quest.  I discarded God all together in my twenties figuring I couldn't every live up to the perfection that was required to make it to heaven. We don't believe once saved always saved.  We believe if you sin and your life ends then you are headed to the lake of fire.

This is a lot of pressure and after seeing my family for the wedding I realized that no one today seems worried about that anymore.  It is all too much really to live in that state. I remember as a child praying "God forgive me of any sin that I might have committed even if I didn't know it was a sin"  I thought that this covered all the bases.  This was probably around the same time I was looking for Jesus every night.

Today I am forgiven by a loving  God that is there to guide me.  I have done my best and I am not worried about the things that might be sins that I don't know about.  I try to be loving and compassionate and know everyone is doing there best even if it isn't good enough for me. It is all they have at that moment.

When the big moon comes and goes I will have to trust that life will go on and we will have to make our way through this time of division in our country.

Grief - Forward Motion

I am experiencing grief today.  It is a familiar feeling to me it is when you lose someone or something that you really thought had a lot of possibilities.  You spend a lot of time imagining how reality will match this dream in your head and everyone will live happily ever after.  You surround yourself only with people that agree with you to protect you from the idea that there was any other outcome.

I have done this many times. When I was really sick I couldn't accept the reality and lived in denial until the pain of reality was so excruciating that I was down on the ground.  This took time sometimes months sometimes year.  I would just there until I just couldn't stand it anymore and accepted my loss and moved on.

I gave myself permission to grieve just for today.  Tomorrow I will take the wait and see attitude because ultimately things work out even if it isn't the way I imagined it would. I can trust that there is always forward motion even if I have to accept three steps forward and two steps back.






 

Addiction - Lack of control - Detachment

I was going to write the details of what is going on with me but it was too depressing.  I am dealing with a person who is an addict and just got out of jail.  Luckily for him the doctors there continued to supply him with his usual pain killers. I am not sure why no one in the medical world understands that this is problem. Phantom pain created by the mind to feed the addiction.

This is my cousin and we do not have daily relationship but I am in charge of his financial welfare through a trust set up by his grandmother. Ten years now and with my program skills I have handled the many crisis pretty well but as we know this is a progressive disease.

I am not interested in repeating the sorted details here but lets just say I was dreading him being released after six months.  The day of the release he sounded the most normal he has ever sounded but within hours he was spiraling out of control. I know I can do nothing about this he claims he is going to NA but who knows.

He is emotionally is about 12 and has anger problems which he gets from his father.  My aunt raised him and she was very strict and didn't let him pour his own milk until he was ten. She treated everyone in her house like this even keeping her husband's shirts behind locked doors. Her daughter with developmental problems didn't have a chance and turned her child over to my aunt and chose to live on the streets. Occasionally coming home for a few months and then one night putting her clothes in a trash bag and climbing out the window at age 35.

They had money and money rules when it comes to these kinds of things. I am surprised that he has managed to keep things together this long.  He is 38 and truthfully I am not sure if mentally he is capable of getting better even without the drugs. His wife filed divorce papers during the six months he was in jail and taking their two kids. She is equally as messed up as he is and they have lost their kids to the state twice.

I said I wasn't going to get into the details but there they are but believe me there are more.  I keep my distance and as a trustee make my decisions about helping them as detached as possible. With the kids in the house we have paid for rent and electricity directly so the money isn't spent on drugs.

I am glad I am back to meetings and feel strong enough to deal with this almost daily.  Today my phone is on "do not disturb" and I am celebrating peace.  I will do my best and with the help of my own higher power all will be well.

Safety Net - Anxiety

This week I started watching Big Eyes on Netflix but something about the impending disaster of the main character was more than I could bear.  I guess I can relate in some way to being sucked in by some charming person that promises you the world and then turns out to be just another person trying to survive and putting their needs first.

She wanted a quick fix the story book romance.  She was divorced back when women that were divorced were shunned. Today that seems it would be everyone.  I think we all want someone to make of feel less scared about life and our future.  When you are by yourself from time to time it feels like your out there on a high wire without a net.

I use to say I needed a soft place to land.  I have experienced that a few times in my life.  I did feel that in my last relationship.  I felt security even if it was a false sense of security.  All feelings of security are false at least long term security anyway.  We are human and have a limited amount of time here and we never know what will happen next.

I sometimes deal with mild anxiety to me this feels like when you have had way too much caffeine A restlessness overcomes me and I can't shake it.  It doesn't seem like it is tied to a particular event or even a thought in my head. This happened the other night and I decided to jump rope to see if that would get rid of the anxiety. It absolutely worked.

This made me wonder if a lot of my suffering over the years has been as physical and not always emotional.  I have felt good this week calm even though work is slow.  I have done a few things this week to stack the cards in my favor.  First I have cut back on sugar and carbs.  I have exercised in some manner each day - jumping rope and yoga at home. I have been eating giant salads - I have been working on a large charcoal portrait (my meditation)  and last but not least I did go to a meeting on Monday.

I am a thinker and I have always thought I could think myself healthy. In the program they say "my best thinking got me here".  I appreciate my mind and it has served me well in some areas but I think it is time to focus on the whole body, mind and spirit.

I have to admit I have been taken care of in my life.  In some magical way no matter what God for me has worked things out. I have always been afraid to relax and enjoy this always thinking I should be preparing for future disasters. I have experienced many disasters but not the ones I prepared for so I still wasn't ready. This kept me from enjoying each day and the joy it had to offer.

We all want to feel safe like the one in the movie.  I am sure it did work out for her in the end.  I don't really know since I didn't watch it.  Feeling safe comes when you look back and see no matter how bad things got that you are still here.  That somehow things did work out.  Not the way I imagined but I am still here and still have the opportunity not to waste one more day just tolerating life. I can to trust that there is a net below the high wire.

Emotional Storms - Clearing the air

We had a big storm here in case you happen to be on another planet.  I didn't have any damage to my property and enjoyed the extra couple of days off.  My long time friend stayed at my house for the worst of it and we produced some art until the sun went down and we ran out of light.

I decided the day before to bake some bread and the morning of the storm to make a chocolate cake. I figured if we had to go days without power nothing would be as satisfying as homemade bread and chocolate cake.  

We did lose power even before the storm was near but I didn't really mind that much.  I like the quiet and I knew it probably wouldn't be out for long.  The next morning everyone was out cleaning up their yards manually.  The sun was shining and you could really feel a sense of community.

The neighbors next door had their kids raking the yards of people that had evacuated.  They are good people and I imagine spending the night with three kids and a German Shepard wasn't exactly stress free. 

It was just the two of us and we were getting each others nerves a little bit. We did play Scrabble and I found I could play with a real person and win.  Until then I had only played the computer and wasn't sure I could play against a real person.

Lately I have felt something shifting inside.  Every since I returned from the wedding I feel different. I faced a few ghost there and was un-affected.  Before the storm my sister and I got into another discussion about my dad.  She said I would never have forgiven him even if he had asked to be forgiven. For a moment things got ugly. I said I would have accepted far less than an apology and I didn't appreciate her thinking she knew what I would or would not have done. 

She then ask if I was over it why was I still talking about it.  I told her because she was the only one that was there and the fact that she dismissed what was done to me as my imagination that I felt I had to defend myself. I said we did not have the same experience and that I have spent a big chunk of my life getting over it. She said she fought to have a relationship with him and I said I was too immature back then to think I needed to fight for a relationship with my own father.

I was surprised by this conversation but it really cleared the air.  I ended it by saying that if the stormed wiped me out that I could at least go in peace. We have of course talked since then.

We all think we know what other people are experiencing but that to me is like playing God and I have done it many times. We think we can give them advice and make things better but this is not true.  We have to know that we can't feel their hurt we can only listen and comfort them and share our own experience. 

I am happy to be where I am now.  Having that discussion with my sister really freed me to relate to her as a person instead of listening to big sister advice.  Today I am grateful to be free from the past. 

Distraction - Vulnerability - Ordinary Addiction

Last weekend I did a spontaneous thing my friend and I drove to the Al-Anon convention.  It was a few hours away and some of our friends were part of the planning committee.  I was very nice everyone was really glad to see us.

We arrived in time for the speaker meeting first the AA then the Al-Anon.  Good speakers and of course I could relate more to the Al-Anon speaker.  The one thing that stuck with me was that he said he was on the outside since birth and that meeting the alcoholic was like meeting his soul mate.

I really understood that. He said he tried to drink and he did take pills but it didn't stick but the alcoholic was addiction at first sight. Having her in his life made him do crazy things that you would associate with and alcoholic but he was sober.

I have analyzed the appeal of the alcoholic for myself over the years and came up with a few things that sum it up for me.  First when they are at their best they can be the most emotionally honest people on the planet. They can make you feel you are loved beyond words and that with their love everything will be fine. Then the moment changes and there is such distance and indifference to you that it was like you imagined the whole thing. For me this hooked me so many times.

I spent so many days of my life trying to find the person I fell in love with and just when I was ready to give up they would appear again and I was back in. I wanted to feel that vulnerability and connection just more time.  It made me feel so alive and without it I was lost. Two halves making a whole which never works long term.

I have encounter this several times in my life and knew that I was playing with fire.  The going back over and over eventually broke my half in half again.  This is what sent me to the program for which I am eternally grateful. I don't blame the alcoholic because they are just trying to survive like we are.

I do think we are the same in that we both feel more than we should in this world. What is enough for most people is not enough for us.  We think there must be more and it is painful to walk around feeling this way so we need a distraction. We think that there is something wrong with us because we can't be happy with the ordinary.

At our worst we find something or someone destructive to fill that void.  For the Al-Anon we can hide behind the list of 10,000 things to do list.  It is acceptable in our culture to just do and give.  We can wear that badge of honor indefinitely.  For the addicted they fell into to something that at one time gave them relief from these feelings that this is all there is and it is not enough.

I believe there are people out there that have happier genes than I do for sure but for the most part I think the people that find happiness have better skills for coping with the ordinary.  They don't think like I have most of my life that there must be more or that I must be more.

I believe for myself this is immaturity.  I was raised by the eight year old inside of me and she always wants things to be as exciting as they were when we were eight.  She is strong willed and can only be held back for so long before she has to find a distraction. There are a lot of us out there.

For me the solution is to accept that this is who you are and find new things to do that will keep that eight year old entertained.  Change up the routine even for just a few hours.  Like drive 2 hours to a convention to hear a speaker and drive home.  I have trouble when I think about what might be of interest and everything on the list has been done before and it doesn't excite me so I feel paralyzed and plop myself in front of the TV and live the life of the character I am watching.

Just like I did when I was eight. It works and with YouTube I can actually learn things but it is still not satisfying.  I am glad that I can see where my suffering comes from but it doesn't mean that I can always do something about it.

Since I have worked hard to heal and get rid of all those stories I use to have in my head about the past I have a lot more time with my eight year old.  It use to be a full time job repeating the hurts of my past over and over again or worse trying to figure out what I did that made people dislike me so much that they had to get away from me. A painful but effective distraction.

So now it is just me and the eight year old looking for the next adventure.  Luckily I work a lot and don't have too much time to fill but there is still a lot.  Can I accept the ordinary? Can I actually be grateful that I am not in some sick relationship or crisis just to get away for feeling these moments of panic where there is just me and ordinary.

Just for today I can. Some of what I have said may seem harsh but I don't mean it that way.  I believe we are all hurt some more than others and we all have found different ways of coping with the hurt. I accept what ever anyone brings to the table.  I know we are all just trying to find our own way and I am grateful I have found my own peace.

Gratitude - Grace - Depression - Letting Go

I went to the dentist this week and my dental hygienist told me about a friend that was severely depressed.  She recently divorced and lost her design business.  She said she doesn't talk to anyone and has tried unsuccessfully to kill herself.  Mostly she just sits and stares. She is on anti-depressants and they seem to be making her worse. 

I shared my story and my recovery explaining that I felt that my own break began with the shock of several things happening at the same time.  The ending of a 13 year relationship, having to move and then the recession making my own business virtually disappear.  The trauma sent m instantly into menopause and hyper-thyroidism I couldn't functions.  I thought about ending my own life mostly because I didn't think I could live another day without any emotions. 

I didn't consider anti depressants I did consider hormones but my mind was so convinced that we could work through this like we had always done.  That it was just grief and it would pass.  It was painful to be around other people and it was painful for them to be around me.  Someone actually told me that at one point. I couldn't be around anyone that needed or expected anything from me.  I couldn't be cheered up I was past that point.

During that time all I wanted to do is be outside.  I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat it is a miracle that I was able to find my way out of this blackness. I had no interest in anything.  I once went to an antique mall with a friend and I couldn't even look around. I felt so disconnected that I told her I was going to sit outside and wait for her.  It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing.  I wasn't sad I was void of any emotions. She said she couldn't see me anymore.  I thought "I wish I couldn't see me anymore".  I didn't blame her.

Looking back I can see that there was a lot different things going on. Some were definitely spiritual and emotional.  I didn't take the medical route because I didn't have insurance that would cover a bunch of tests or prescriptions. The one person that was able to hang with me did finally buy me some over the counter progesterone.  Amazingly it helped just enough to give me hope of something better.

I had many spiritual breakthroughs about the lack of love I had for myself.  How everything I had done before was done to meet the needs of others so they would love me and they did until they didn't anymore. I did stop doing for others and it confirmed my worse fears most everyone disappeared. So it was true I wasn't worthy of love just being myself wasn't enough. 

How bleak is that?  I didn't know where to go I had already exhausted every spiritual route.  I did have a breakthrough on the porch one day. I felt like I heard "you're doing this to yourself"  You could also say this was me blaming me again. Was it really that simple?  Maybe.

Of course it wasn't that simple but at least it was a start.  I knew I couldn't trust the thoughts I was having as reality.  I did decide that day to just accept who I had become and move on.  This was evidently the new me and I had to live with it.  The search to find the person I lost was so exhausting my mind was constantly looking for a solution. This kept me stuck and kept me from healing.

I started to rest where I was and things started to get better.  Over the years some parts of me have come back and others have not. I don't mind.  I am grateful that I have made it through to the other side stronger than I ever was. 

If you have read my blog before you have heard this story before but I felt it needed to be told again. I have been pretty happy lately and had forgotten where I was until I heard about the pain of another. 

I wanted to get the woman's number but that wasn't possible under the circumstances. I wanted to say "tell her to stop listening to her mind it might be lying to her" but I didn't.  I did offer the progesterone over the counter recommendation.  I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers. 

When your mind turns against you and you believe the distorted truth it is hard to break free.  I feel that it was grace and my ability to finally let go that saved my life. I know now that I am loved by my creator the one that lives inside of me and that is enough. 

Putting my story to bed - maturity

I am back from the big a event and a longer than usual visit with my sister.  It all went perfectly and the happy couple are happily honeymooning in a secret location on the coast of Mexico.

The first night as I sat at a table with my life size version of Cruella Deville I felt like I was having an out of body experience. She talked to me between barking orders to her own daughter about how she should be minding her great granddaughter. This is my stepmother of course  the one who forced me out of my own home at 16 with my dad standing by her side silent.

I sat there staring at her for awhile she still looks 20 years younger than her age. This for sure is not an accident many hours and many thousands of dollars on beauty products have made her the person she is today.  I don't think she has had surgery just hours of pampering.

Okay that is about only the venom I can come up with about her.  Truthfully and thankfully this was a final chapter of closure for me. Her daughter, from the marriage before my dad, talked to me about the fun times we had together.  She was six when they married and was uncontrollable and pulled a knife on me once when I was babysitting her. She would get so mad that she turned purple.  I would beg my dad to not leave me alone with her. Fun times for sure.

My sister and I were talking about how bad she was and she mention the time I tried to throw her down the stairs. I corrected this story she had about me.  I told her she was throwing my stuff down the basement stairs and it was crashing and breaking.  I did tell her if she threw one more thing down the steps she would be going down too.  This was the first time I stood up to her physically.

I know I always harp on the idea that everyone has their story.  The stories we have about other people and even the stories we have about ourselves are distortions of the truth.  A memory of an incident that we have rehearsed over and over in our own mind tweaking it ever so slightly each time. We carry this with us and attach either happy thoughts or resentments to these memories. It is just our version of what happened and seen through the eyes of in this case two people that were eleven and fifteen.

The idea of my step mother is my final story.  The one person I had stories around that still hurt me. It is time I put them to bed.  Over the course of our visit she told her own story several times of how her first husband cheated on her and left her. She didn't date for six years until she met my dad. When she was telling this to me I thought "you have never gotten over that have you?" Just like I have never gotten over my story of her the way she treated me and the fact that her rejection changed the course of my life forever.

It isn't easy for me to let this go and to forgive her, not that she is asking, for the part she played in alienating me from my family.  I do take responsibility for building on that alienation instead of returning to the scene of the crime as an adult and demanding my rightful place in my family.

I have spent most of my life with the child inside wanting them especially my dad to see my worth and tell me he loved me and wanted me to be a part of the family.  He never knew how his indifference to me has made me spend a lifetime trying to feel worthy of love.  He did love me and said it the few times we spoke but he was shut down emotionally. His family are all like that people of few words or emotions and I knew I would never get what I wanted from him. I accepted this.

In our minds we carry versions of our stories.  Our own versions and clinging to those versions can keep us locked in a darkroom.  It can keep us busy not living for today and we can find other people that are stuck in the same kinds of hurts that make us feel it is okay to stay stuck.  It does feel comfortable and familiar.  We definitely have a right to feel hurt and what happened to us is unfair but now it is time to move on.

This has been a process of maturity for me I didn't want to admit that I was the one keeping this going. I have given up most of my story and don't tell it too often these days if it might help someone, like here or if someone ask me. This I feel is the last piece of the past holding me back.

It isn't easy living without a story and for some it is unthinkable. I had someone ask me once "I am my story where would I be without it?" I said "free maybe".  This idea of life without a story means for me that I have to find something else to fill that space.  My life feels a little lighter since I got back.  I did have grieve the loss of my stepmother story more lettling go and I may have to put it to bed again at some point but for now I feel free.

Peace - Cinderella - Finding happiness

I have the real weekend off and have slept in until almost 11 both days.  I haven't done that in a very long time.  I don't feel particularly tired but sleep is the best remedy for most things physical and mental.  The next few weeks will be busy and it is probably good to get it while I can.

We have a big wedding coming up the first of August my nephew is marrying into a pretty prominent family in his town.  There is an event every day for four days leading up to the wedding.  I have had to go out and buy the hopefully appropriate clothes.  My life has been more the life of a monk than a socialite so it is pretty stressful. The women at the first store kept saying "you can't wear that" finally settling on a top for the rehearsal dinner.

I spoke to my sister and she is stressed 10 fold.  We both are wishing we were thinner about now but not enough to jump on the diet path.  She will be in the official pictures and I will not.  She told me she has tried on 30 dresses and her final picks got the thumbs down from her son.

Pieces of my past will be at the table every night.  My step mother will be the honored grandmother. Hopefully it will be a big table and I will be at the other end.  She is the last person that can still stir something in me. If she had been kinder and more loving my life would have been different. I was an obstacle to her something between her and my father.

It was a true Cinderella story with the chores and all.  She didn't reserve her treatment for just me but even her own daughters.  She was an angry women who was left by her first husband the love of her life and she could never accept this rejection.  The "I am not enough story" manifesting it 'self just below the surface. I understand and have compassion for this story now but I don't necessarily want to sit next to her at the dinner table. 

If you believe in God then you have to accept that everything happens for a reason.  Life is laid out in a divine plan and we are exactly where we are suppose to be a nice story.  This thought can keep you going but I now believe that life is just life.  When bad things happen we just find a way to get through it the best we can and when good things happen we just try to enjoy the moment. 

I try my best everyday to just be kind and compassionate.  Realizing that everyone has their own story that they are living and that it has nothing really to do with me.  I can't change them just give them encouragement and if they reject me or love me it isn't something about me it is about them.

When I am at my best I choose to not take it personally.  Sometimes when I want someone to like me or do something I want them to do and they don't I slip away from peace and back to pain and frustration.  Luckily it doesn't last too long and I can return to peace.

When I head out to family central in the next few weeks I will have many opportunities to test my faith and use what I have learned. I am going with an open mind knowing I am healthier spiritually than I have ever been.  I am no longer Cinderella trapped in a bad situation I can't escape.  I escaped without the prince and the story wasn't the fairytale I wished for but I have found my own happily ever after.  

Al-Anon - Cleaning house

I am home for the second day of my weekend.  I didn't even bother to pack up my computer in case I had a work emergency. I have been doing the ordinary things that one does in life like cleaning and laundry.  I have to admit that during my depression I got out of the habit of regular anything most less cleaning.  

When I lived with addiction cleaning was what I did while I waited for my love to have that last drink and come home. I would get calls every hour saying "I am leaving right now" this was before I even knew I was dealing with addiction.  I thought if he loved me he would rather be with me than out drinking with his friends.  I blamed myself for his behavior I was never a happy person in those days I had found my happiness in him and I knew I was losing him which made me so controlling.  

Everything was the same as it had been before but for some reason he was staying away more and more. I tried to be prettier and keep the house clean.  I tried not to nag him about not coming home but I did try to find out what it was about me that was keeping him away.  Desperation is so attractive.

I was so young then in my early twenties trying to create the family I felt I missed out on in my life. I wanted stability and love so I latched on to someone who said they wanted the same thing.  I didn't know the strength of addiction and I had built my self-esteem around the fact that this fabulous person loved me so I must be really special. Everybody did love him all he had to do is enter the room and the sun came out.

I was losing and I blamed myself.  I knew if I tried hard enough I could solve this puzzle and things could go back to the way they were before I just had to keep trying. You know how this ends and for me I was lucky because it ended with a beginning.  I started my spiritual journey in Al-Anon.

I thought I was alone with all those desperate thoughts in my mind.  I thought I was alone with my schemes to control him to make this marriage work. What I found out was that my situation was mild in comparison to what others had suffered.  I cried after my first meeting because I didn't feel so alone anymore I could begin to stop blaming myself for everything.

By then he had left me for someone else so I never had to practice what I had learned with active alcoholism. What I did get to do is see my actual part in the drama of my life.  I could see just how much of my own power I had handed over to this person if they didn't love me then I was unlovable. I wish I could say I haven't repeated this exercise again and again in the years that have passed since then. 

It is okay because I have learned enough not to go there for too long. I have had to learn to love myself whether anyone loves me or not.  I am loved but it is conditionally even my love for myself is conditional.  Only the God of my understanding can offer me anything else. 

Today I am finishing my cleaning for no other reason than to do what needs to be done.  I am a little on the sad side today and I am wishing I had someone to share my life with not just anyone but someone that I could have a healthy relationship with.  Maybe someone to share these chores. Tomorrow I will be back in the thick of things and this day will be a memory. I better get back to my cleaning.  al

Trusting the flow - Paint - A color change

Since I have been resisting my life for so many years it feels really good to just accept things the way they are and just go with the flow.  I have been bringing color into my life first by painting my office a wheat yellow with an accent wall of drizzle blue.  It caused quite a stir with the head designer who prefers everything to be gray.

I have been gray long enough.  She said that it would have to be painted over this was a sad moment for me.  First my ego was like "do you think I can't pick colors?" I let it go and decided to bring the paint home an paint one of my bedroom walls with it.  It feels like the sun is setting behind my bed.

By some miracle the owner got wind of us painting our offices and came down to see for himself.  He said it wasn't his pick but it was nice.  I paid his son to paint the office so it wasn't like nobody knew it was happening.  When I did that it felt like I was committing to the job for the first time. Investing in a place that I have spent on average 10-12 hours a day for three years.

Ironically one of our cabinet companies came out with their new brochure with the exact same two colors.  I, not so secretly, felt vindicated.  

I am on a roll transforming my day to day life with color.  I had my house painted a few weeks ago and it looks awesome.  I was going go for the same wheat color on the front door but it turned out more like banana to me.  I will repaint once the weather gets cooler.  When I presented the colors to our committee I wasn't 100% sure so I picked harvest from the color brochure. Maybe it is a banana harvest not wheat. 

Yesterday I hung ten pictures up the stair way which has been blank since the great room was painted last year.  In my OCD mind I wanted to lay the pictures out neatly on paper an mull over my choices but it never happened. Ultimate the ADD side of me kicks in and I just started hanging pictures  and it looks great. After 12 months in 30 minutes I have an art wall. 

This is the inner battle that I have dealt with all my life.  Analysis paralysis versus just jumping in with no plan exactly.  I have learned to just trust myself and accept that this is who I am and that intuitively I will make the right decision. If I don't life will go on and I will get over it. 

I call it being in the flow especially at work.  With sales you never know who the real customers are or who should get my attention. I only have so many hours in the day so I have to make a decision an go with it. It always works out and I am finally learning to trust that my instincts are right. 

It feels good to let go of the wanting I have carried for so long.  Wanting things to be different than they are today or worse wanting the past to be different than it was.  I have moved back to the doing part of myself instead of the being part or the thinking part. I am finding my own peace painting, cleaning and pulling weeds trusting the flow.

Don't take anything personally - A veil or an iron mask

Don't take anything personally.  This is something I learned from a book called "The Four Agreements"  This little book really condensed down all of life's most complicated issues. 

Every day I encounter a lot of different people in my work.  Some with grand ideas and no budget others with unlimited budgets but expectations that something must be done right this minute. I call it a design emergency.

On Friday I had a call from a guy who said he talked to me months ago about replacing his flooded kitchen but went with someone else and they did a terrible job he wanted to know if we could come out and fix it.  On Friday  I said "today" he said yes and he said he would pay any amount.

I imagined what one might have going on in there mind that they thought they could call up at 3 o'clock on a Friday and get someone to come out to there house the same day. I was polite and explained that getting materials to match his cabinets would take 3 weeks.  I did say back to him that he did hire someone else to do the job and he should contact them if he wasn't happy with the work.

We all bring our own baggage to the table every experience we have had that created the person we are today.  I like to think of this as veil that we see life through.  Some have thicker veils or even iron mask that they look through.  It is only their own reality and can be so far off from what is actually going on. I use to try to penetrate that veil when I could see how much it was hurting them. Not realizing that I too had my own veil.

I thought it was my gift to state the obvious (my obvious).  I do believe that it is gift or a curse that I have owned since I was a child mainly because I am a watcher and I don't easily get caught up in the drama of others.

My dad called it the spirit of decrement.  I don't use my gift anymore unless someone ask me specifically and even then I say what needs to be said in kindness and not self righteousness.  No one is my responsibility and it is not my place to interfere with their life lessons.  I can encourage but that is all. 

In my work I just speak my truth in the most diplomatic way and let the other person receive it.  I leave the outcome to a higher power and I now know it isn't my responsibility to change or convince the other person to do anything. I am successful most time because I can sense what concerns they might have and address those without pushing and without expecting a specific outcome.  

In my business I don't do well when someone feels they are having a design emergency and need someone right now.  Even if the money is good the toll it takes on me is no longer worth it.

I am past feeling like I need to rescue anyone. Since we must sell to survive the lure of money is always there just under the surface or the need to please can be even stronger. Now days I just accept that not everyone is a good fit for me.  

I am in the business of rejection.  Before I healed so many wounds from the past every time a customer didn't pick me it felt personal.  My self worth and livelihood was tied up in getting a yes from everyone.  It felt personal every time if they said yes it proved I was worthy and accepted if they said no I felt like something was wrong with me and my abilities. Just like my personal life.   

Today I trust that all is well and that everyone has to work things out for themselves just like I did. If I spend time with them even it they don't pick me.  I trust that there is an ultimate purpose for our meeting.  A piece of the puzzle of the universe that I am not suppose to know the reason for. Accepting this has helped me to relax and do my best and not take it personally.

Family connections - Managing the behavior of others

I am in a good place just enjoying the weekend how I imagine most people do.  I had an interesting conversation with my sister yesterday.  She has called me regularly over the years and I have made efforts to visit her and her family regularly.  Yesterday there was some real honesty about what she has lived with all these years. She even talked about visiting me here. 

Our conversations have been mostly one sided her telling me problems she is having at work or sometimes with the kids. She is usually driving someplace and just fitting me in where it is convenient for her and I am sure feeling like she is maintaining her outreach program.  These days it usually takes two or three calls for us to catch up with each other.  Mostly because she calls at 7am or after midnight.

She hasn't been here to see me since my divorce when I was thirty.  My efforts to see her and her family was my desperate need to belong somewhere. My last big effort was for my nieces college graduation when I had taken a week off work to drive nine hours to show my support.  I was called the night before and told by my sister not to come.  It was really going to be only family.

This was devastating for me at the time because I was still lost and searching for a way out of my depression.  I thought it was caused by not having a support system and in my mind I thought I should try once again to connect to my own family instead of trying to find a substitute family.

When I was rejected I thought okay enough I am going to have to be whole alone. Depend only on myself to find my way out of the blackness. It really felt good to not want that connection and to be free to just let that idea go for good this time.  My happiness does not depend on another or in this case does not depend on my family loving me or wanting me.

The truth about that particular rejection was centered around addiction. This is what my sister has lived with since she married her husband. First his parents with prescription medications and more recently his sister who's life has been destroyed by her own addiction.  In the end when I was uninvited it was because if I came then the addicted sister had to be invited too. 

My niece confided in me later that it wasn't the aunt's behavior that she worried about it was the way her own father acted when the aunt was around.  She said he is totally crazy trying to control her and worrying about her.  He ruins every family event because something isn't going the way he thinks it should. 

The addiction always gets center stage because we give it to it.  My niece said she would never have a big wedding because the stress of dealing with the family would be too much. My brother-in-law has been the real problem in the family and this is why my sister has been very selective about what she has told me over the years.

She has lived a life of doing whatever needs to be done to keep from setting him off. When has managed around him and is angry outburst. Even the kids have tried to help their mother manage around him. He has worn her out and they all feel she needs to be rescued my nephew told me he felt he couldn't have his own life because his mother needed him to be a father to his little brother and a protector to his mother. 

I told him his mother would be really sad to think he felt he couldn't have his own life because she needed protection and his brother needed a father. 

The kids have moved on the last of them moving out a month ago. My sister told me yesterday that he has run everyone off and that she has her own plans for freedom. I think now that she has raised the kids she wants to find some happiness and peace. 

Their lives have been forever changed mostly by one person and this person was not the addicted. The kids have learned things about relationships that are totally unhealthy.  They have learned that you have to manage people to keep the peace mostly in a passive aggressive way. When all else fails you can flee but ultimately this leaves a big whole that needs to be healed.

I am sorry my sister has lived with this situation we both have had a hard times in our lives.  It is too bad that we couldn't help each or even confide in each other.  We  have been alone and left to our own abilities to find our way out. Realizing that it isn't the addiction that destroys us it is our reaction to it and our fear of making the wrong that keeps us from finding freedom. 

I have left my expectations for being a real part of my family behind.  If it does work out that would be nice but if it doesn't I will be okay too. I have found the peace I have been searching for so long. I have finally let go of thinking anyone or even life for that matter owes me anything.

We are all doing our best and we must all find our own to peace.  

Happy on the outside - Miss Wild and Dancing

I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in I could see early on that I was different my family was different.

We were Pentecostal this never was a problem for me until my teacher Miss Wild in the 4th grade started an half hour of dancing ever Friday afternoon. I loved her she looked like Cher and was the coolest person I had ever met. When I went home to tell my mother about the dancing she was appalled and made me take a note to Miss Wild saying that I wasn't allowed to participate in the dancing.  Every week while the other kids danced I had to sit and watch.

It was the burden I had to bare for my families beliefs. I felt lucky, unlike some of the other kids from our church,  I was able to wear pants. I think this came about because I was a tom boy and it was more important for me to be covered then the rules of dress.

I was odd from the beginning even in my own family I didn't really fit in too well. I looked at people and what they were doing and saying and I just didn't get it. The girls in my neighborhood were all very tight DeDe and Beverly were best friends and when they had a big fight one of them would befriend me until they made up and then they both would reject me.

My mother suffered over my social problems more than I did and she was always looking for a solution.  No one was sure what was wrong with me and at one point I was put into special ed with Bobby who lived on my street who what definitely a little slow.

I went along with this because this is what my mother wanted.  It was a few hours of free time each week a break from the seriously boring school day. I felt sorry for Bobby not understanding that people were thinking the same thing about me. Today I would be diagnosed with ADD and put on drugs even then they did offer drugs but we were health nuts and my mother refused.

This period with Bobby didn't last long but it didn't help me to fit with my schoolmates either. When my mother died in the 5th grade it sealed my fate for ever being normal in the real world. Headlines "Pentecostal girl loses mother and any hope of being accepted by the outside world".  My skin was pretty thick by then and I had created my own world a place where I controlled all emotion.  I accepted that I was alone and would have to figure things out for myself.

I remember once telling my mother not to worry about me that I was fine and I would find my own way. This was when she was first sick.  I meant it and by that time I was pretty autonomous and felt and had found my place alone in the world.  I had know idea what was coming but I was strong and my will kept me going.

This is my story of life from the outside. I never felt a part of any group until I went to Al-Anon.  The brokenness and strength I found there seemed so familiar to me.  People strong on the outside but with so many sad parts on the inside.  Everyone had been through something and wanted to get better.

The acceptance I found there was incredible.  I became a part of a clique which became the closest thing to a family that I have had.  Some of us are still together but some are not as comfortable letting the past go and being happy and healthy.  It does feel really awkward to not being broken and trying to fix myself.  I have done my best and it is time to rest and enjoy what the day has to offer instead of looking for the next problem to solve. Filling my days trying to solve an outside problem and when there isn't one looking for one on the inside. 

I feel whole for the first time in my life. I have always believed that because I didn't fit in that there was something wrong with me.  The search for the cure consumed my life. I tried so hard to find a place where I did fit in that I gave up parts of myself to appear normal.  Today I know that I am perfect just the way I am and that girl in me that tried to sooth her mother's worries is still here today finding my own way. 

Grace - Instincts and entertainment

I experienced a moment of grace this week that brought tears to my eyes.  I was on my way to work sitting at a light at a really busy intersection.  Two mallard ducks and six ducklings came to the corner and started crossing.  Cars and trucks were flying by and never slowed not one.  When the light finally changed the ducks were across.

It was like they were totally blind to their surrounding and yet they made it across   You could say it was instincts that took them across that busy street but we have all seen ducks that didn't make it.  I think this is why it felt like grace.  For some reason the universe conspired to protect them.

In my own life I have experienced a lot of grace.  When my mind failed me there was something that kept me going or at times kept me still. I always thought I could think my way out of any situation but my mind became my worst enemy and somehow something inside of me was able to see that.

It was hard but I started to ignore the voice that I had relied on my whole life. I started looking for the silence and when I found it I would just stop there for as long as I could.  I trust that part of me now more than ever and whenever I am at a crossroad I trust my instincts over my intellect.

My instincts my failed me like it did the ducks but I guess grace will have to kick like it has so many times before.  I love my mind and the entertainment it has offered me all these years but I have learned that it is mostly just talk and can't always be trusted.

Today I am happy to be free from thinking so much and thinking my thoughts will save me from whatever situation I am trying to run away from. I can be peaceful and know to trust my instincts and when they fail me there is always grace.