What is wrong with me? The final solution

I haven't written here since my birthday and thought I would see if I have anything to say. First I am great probably the best I have ever been. My life as you know has been a search to figure out how to do better and most of all to feel better.

I give recent credit for healing to my therapist and to EMDR. I have handled life by bracing my self for something awful or swimming through treacherous waters, I have felt like an alien visiting here watching other people just move through life not thinking too much and not worrying too much.

I took a trip to see my family earlier this month and is actually felt good. Everyone older and wiser including me. On the way I listen to a book "What happened to you?". It summed up where I have been and where I am now.

The author is a trauma specialist and said something that spoke to me. She said instead of saying "whats wrong with me?" say "what happened to me?".  I have said the first for as long as I remember even now if I feel sad or just not interested in life I say "whats wrong with you?"

My work with EMDR has brought forward some significant events to the surface. Things that I have known about intellectually for a long time. What happened to me early in my life and the guilt I have for even thinking about it after so many years.  

I have written about those here hoping I could just let them go by putting them on the page. I have let those painful experiences go so many times but not really. The book talks about trauma in the body mostly early trauma and how it stays with children forever. 

The EMDR has helped me experience these painful times as an adult. Going back to the moment in mind as an adult and walking through my feelings until they dissipate. When I have my next session I can hardly remember what was addressed before. 

There isn't anything wrong with me I just had some things happen to me that made me think I was a problem and a real burden to everyone around me. I was regularly punished for being who I was and asking too many questions all in the name of love.

 I lost my family after my mother died and I found the best way to be loved is to earn it by doing things people wanted done and doing them perfectly. I learned to anticipate their every need.  As an adult when I had a crisis and couldn't fulfill my previous roll I was left.

I thought this was my fault that I was flawed in some way and didn't deserve love. I am free from that thought now and have moved through the events that created this belief. I have forgiven the child that I have been trying to solve the problem of me. 

This blog saved me and gave me a place to tell my story with honesty and freedom. I want to let you know to never give up on finding a way to feel better. Finding a way to knowing there is nothing wrong with you.  Finding peace with the past and loving yourself when it feels impossible. 

Tools for survival - Finding solutions to emotional pain

Today is a milestone birthday for me which always gives me a lot to think about. I spent the day yesterday shopping with a friend and having a celebration meal. Today I am working in my studio and just thinking about where I have been and where I might like to go.

A year ago I started drawing again I love portrait drawing but I never really felt good enough. I have always wanted to focus on art but never got much courage along the way. A few years ago I was thinking of taking an out of town class as a birthday gift and I sent some of my work and the response was "at least you will be starting from scratch".

The world is a hard place and people are the same kids you knew in school in larger bodies. Insecure and wanting to make sure that no one gets ahead of them. To succeed means someone else must fail.

I have been a child most of my life not knowing the trauma of my childhood left me with survival tools that once past the initial trauma left me with a distorted since of life. 

I became super sensitive to everything around me reading the mood of the room and the players around me. I had been hurt and the child inside was trying to make sure I was prepared for the next blow. I was constantly on guard. This saved me as I became an adult. 

The problem for me is that I blamed myself for these things that happened to me. A child always thinks they are the center of the problem because they are children. Like I child I tried to be better more accommodating more attractive. I knew what you wanted before you even asked for it. I made other peoples lives run smoothly while staying invisible as much as possible. I did not want to be a target.

I have been drawing the people in my life that I feel like I need to forgive or at least see if I need to forgive. You can't stare a face and draw every inch of it over and over without finally letting go. 

I also draw myself on Sunday's because I need to forgive myself. I use a mirror because live practice is the best practice.  I am always surprised when I think I have gotten the likeness right and I come back later and it isn't right. Distortion this is what we do in this life.

We see things the way we have to see them to survive and then when we are ready the truth is revealed. Can we forgive ourselves for living in denial for so long? 

I have worked so hard to prevent pain and suffering from happening to me.  I thought if I could be good enough - spiritual enough - kind enough that I could prevent this. When more trauma happened I turned on myself and decided I was just unlovable and even repelled the people who were suppose to love me.

What I know now is that the survival skills that saved me in childhood kept me in a world of defense most of my life. I braced myself for every possible incoming pain and never just relaxed and enjoyed the life I had. I was trying to make sure my life stayed perfect and I stayed at arm length we people and picked people that did the same.

This year I have come to the end of my attachment to the past. The EMDR along with talking and drawing therapy his rid me of the rut of blaming others and blaming myself for what I have endured.

It has smoothed over the ruts created over the years. The places my mind wants to go when I am sad or lonely. Well worn stories of love lost and the painful feelings of abandonment. I was abandoned by my family when I needed them the most. I became a person that survived with the tools I found along the way.

I attached myself to people who were like me with their own tools  survival. Nothing healthy or lasting just sharing the pain together until it didn't work anymore. 

I want to be free to live and enjoy my life without trying to solve the puzzle of me. It has been a worthwhile pursuit and obviously I had to do it to get to where I am and I hope I have helped others along the way but now I just want to enjoy the day and live in acceptance of what is now. I am grateful for the journey. 

Living with alcoholism - Addiction is isolating - being enough

I am in full blown creative mode which hasn't left me much time for my life long pastime of regurgitating the story of my life. I feel unstuck for the first time ever. I attribute this to counseling and having someone actually give me feedback that it is not my fault that my life turned out like it did and I can let go of thinking there is something wrong with me because I am not like most people. I could never conform even when I wanted to.  

Believe me I tried during my early years aiming for the picture perfect like. I was ambitious and pushed my husband as hard as I could to create the life I thought would make us happy. We both had tough childhoods losing our mothers at 11 and raising ourselves after leaving home early.  We were children raising children with a lot wrong ideas in our heads. 

I think we both did alright ultimately even though I really don't know emotional how things are for him. I know he raised two boys and on on his twitter account is says "God let me be the man my children think I am".  

We were in our 20's and had a lot of baggage and he medicated his with alcohol and anger. I medicated mine with him.  The kind person I met and fell in love with disappeared little by little over our nine year marriage.  I thought that it was somehow my fault. There was something wrong with me and I was not enough.  I use to be enough and to keep him I would have to try harder. I would have to be perfect to keep him happy. 

I tried to be perfect an meet his every demand but nothing worked. I soon became a target and the intimacy we had known as two motherless people finding our way together was over. He used my secret insecurities as weapons making me feel that it was my fault that he wasn't happy. I believed him because he was the only one in my life. 

Addition is isolating and the nature of the disease is that it is - cunning - baffling - powerful. I was a girl then in love and I hand met the one person I thought understood me and actually saw me. The idea of not being enough or even normal has been the theme of life.

I think I stayed stuck for so long because I didn't have anyone telling me otherwise. Al-Anon help me to have a better relationship with myself and I moved on. When the same relationship happened a second time for the same reasons I went back to believing it was me. How could I have repeated the same relationship again. This time there wasn't any verbal abuse it was more like my childhood just indifference. Still alcohol still infidelity but at least no verbal abuse. Progress I guess.

I rounding out my counseling and feel actually like I can be really free for once. I feel open and capable instead of living in my usual dome of protection. I am letting people back into my life and actually feel ready give instead living on the defense.  

It feels strange really to feel so empty of pain from the past. This week I went back to a portrait class I helped support almost 9 years ago and they were really happy to see me. I was in such pain back then and only wanted to survive. I could never have imagined feeling the freedom I feel now. 

 

Finding Peace - Energy - Letting Go

I saw a video explaining one persons version of how energy works between people and how when you let go of someone suddenly you get a call.  This has happened to me so many times especially with the intense addictive relationships where as long as I was grasping they were running.  Sometimes even the day I felt like I truly let go I would get that long desired call.

Depending on my spiritual maturity at that time I would move on or start grasping again. The videos explanation was that we are like energetic magnets and when we are incomplete without someone or something our wanting actually repels the very person or thing we want.  

This spoke to me on some many levels of attraction. How if you just think of someone without the "I wish they would call me" and you stay neutral then suddenly they call. I can also relate that to customers if I really like someone and I can't wait to work with them they seem to disappear maybe my neediness is driving them away. This has happened so many times.

I have been making a lot of progress in my counseling sessions even though you would think at this age I have addressed it all.  I feel a freedom that I have have never felt before really ever. I attribute this to the use of EMDR and also my willingness to really to see my misguided (immature)  thinking and "let go" the theme of the blog.

I have spent my life wanting things to be different than they have been and then blaming myself for causing these things to happen. Then I stayed mad I myself for not just moving on and accepting that this is how it is. The brain I was given is constantly striving for improvement and working towards a goal.  This is great for getting things done but not for just accepting that somethings happen to us that is totally out of our control and not our fault. I want to be in charge.

I have ended up just isolating thinking I was the problem and didn't trust myself to not make another mistake. The immature side of me really believed I could out smart pain and loss. Sadly I am human and have to live the life of ever human before me and wasting what time I have left trying to solve the unsolvable it crazy. 

I will never measure up to the version I have of myself or the version of my future all I have is today and even that is not completely reliable. Life is random and we can never be prepared for what lays before us good or bad. What I have found for myself is to just think about the possibility of joy today. In my mind I also imagine feeling joy in the future what ever that looks like for me. 

Right now I am heading towards creativity and enjoying today without grasping or feeling like I am coming up short by not meeting my own expectations. I do have big fussy goals for a life that feels joyful. Despite what comes I will be able to feel joy even if it is just the small things. I will be okay no matter what I can find the place inside where I feel peace.

I will accept that even when things seem scary or out of control that all I can do to help things is to maintain a place of peace within. I will not add to the energy of fear or hate that will only give it more power.  

Living Solo - The ups and downs of finding myself

I think I mentioned this before but I am rereading a book called Canyon Solitude by Patricia C. McCairen.  I believe she was the first woman to solo down the Colorado river in 1994. This book is a coming of age story or really one persons journey of ridding herself of layers of the person she was told to be and the person she actually is inside.

By the time her solo trip takes place she has made that transformation with all the usual doubts popping up when you spend so much time alone. She has gone from a corporate NY job to living sometimes in the wilderness in a tee pee during winter with temperatures below zero. Not my idea of finding oneself but it is a good read.

It doesn't really deal with much of that just the daily the rituals of the trip with a few antidotes of how she arrived at securing permission to solo down the Colorado River.  The way it is written speaks to me and makes me realize that my quest to be my truest self is one of ups and downs and doubts and fears. I know I am not alone in this world on my quest. 

Counseling has really helped get to the heart of some of my false beliefs.  The part of my story that has laid the foundation of not believing I am lovable. She said I thought I was a victim in my relationships but I don't think that is true.  Yes in the beginning when I decide to leave home at 16 to protect my own sanity I did think - "why me?" I mostly have thought that it was because of who I was that made people reject me. 

By the time I left home my life had continuously about about survival. I learned that people really only care about themselves even though they are adults and you are their responsibility.  I know that everyone is just trying to survive and it is a rare person that can see past their own pain to help guide someone else.  It was such freedom to just accept I was my own responsibility and didn't have to maneuver around the wants and needs of my sick family.  

I became the same as them and built a wall between myself and the people I loved. Don't get me wrong I was there to bail them out or talk them off a ledge but I never wanted to burden anyone already hurting with my wants and needs. I did let one person break through emotionally and that ended in manipulation and fear and left me a shell of a person. 

I have over the years layer by layer removed the lies of my internal story.  The layers of painful things that happened to me that I took so personally thinking that these incidents proved that I was flawed in a permanent way. There was something about me that warranted being cast aside by the people that said they loved me.   

The real flaw was not showing that I was human and needed support too.  I surrounded myself with people who were happy to just take the support without having to give support in return. It felt like the perfect match until I had a crisis or I became weary and resentful in my role as giver. When this happens I withdraw and they find a replacement for me. 

I am not that person anymore and have lived neither giving or taking for a long time. Just like the woman on the boat I have become accustom to traveling solo and know I can do that. I have reached a point where I am looking for others like me who have become comfortable with who they are an just want companionship. I don't want to rescue anyone and I don't want to be rescued. I want to find adventure and peace together if possible.

Motivation - Gratitude - Depression

Motivation.  I have been lucky in my life that I am a very motivated person in our house we were taught that you need to be constantly contributing.  I think it is more than that for me I always want to be moving forward and I am really uncomfortable just relaxing and taking a time out.

The act of doing is just who I am. I remember sitting at the kitchen table as a kid annoyed because I had to come in and eat dinner. I had things to get done and eating was low on my priority list.  My mother compromised and would agree if I ate the vegetables on my plate I could leave the table.  This took about a minute and then I would be gone. 

In my life I have always been motivated except when depressed. When the depression was related to grief I never  feel guilty or beat myself up for doing nothing. I was doing something I was grieving and that took all my energy.

When my life went black and I experience something past grief more like shock I felt paralyzed and unable to do anything and I hated myself. I believed that I would feel that way forever and for that reason I didn't want to live. I tried all my usual tricks to get past this comatose existence and nothing worked.  

This is depression on a scale that is hard to describe to anyone that hasn't experienced it. My brain constantly worked on a solution for the nothing I felt. This searching went on 24/7 without a break.  In the past when I experience grief I took to my bed and could sleep 12 hours to escape the sadness and loss. This time I was different I couldn't sleep.

I have to repeat this story on days like today because I am not motivated to do anything on my mental list. It is my day off and I feel flat. I had an exhausting week and was irritable all day yesterday and knew I needed to not take on anything big.  I read a book and did my laundry hoping that today I would get something done. I am still un-motivated today.

I did get on the treadmill for 30 minutes and do feel better. I am listening to old 70's Rock where singers other than the originals are singing the songs. Really good but just a tiny bit off. When I am flat I have to remember that this is what happens when I need a time out. Being bored and uninspired is when your mind and spirit is regrouping.

I do want to say one more thing my depression. It was triggered by a life changing event out of my control. I didn't seek medical help because I didn't have insurance eventually I did and found out that my thyroid was out of wack. I had stopped eating because I was just not interested and this didn't help. When I started getting treated for my thyroid my mood swings leveled off and I started eating again. The shock of my situation affecting my physically as well as emotionally. 

With my depression I never considered a physical connection I just thought I have to just hang in there and hope tomorrow will be better. After a long recovery and I am grateful that I did recover and my self hatred changed to compassion and I am grateful not to be there anymore. I can appreciate that it is okay not to feel motivated every day. 

EMDR - Can I actually be joyful?

This is the time of year for doing stuff clearing out the cobwebs and evaluating where I am and where I am going. I got an email from the Master Gardening program letting me know that I can apply again.  It is funny just how important that was to me last year along with winning yard of the  month.  It seems pretty silly now and I not really interested in either. 

I wanted something to sink my teeth into to force myself to commit to learning something new. I didn't want to be still and address the restlessness I was feeling. It is the minds way of running. I have had to dig a little deeper this past year and with some professional help I have made some surprising discoveries. I feel lighter and today I actually woke up ready to embrace the day instead of bracing myself for the day. 

I am still seeing the counselor and with the EMDR I am really getting into my core issues. The issues from childhood that have been the foundation of ever decision I have made throughout my life. The usual - not being enough and some surprises like - I have been mad I my mother for not telling me she was going to die and that she didn't like me. Over time I have translated this into - I am not likable. The counselor there to question these beliefs and showing me how I could be wrong. Mind blowing. 

It is uncomfortable to face this kind of truth and tears are in my eyes now. I have based my whole life on the idea that I am unlikable an idea created by a child and then as and adult I then gathering proof the this idea was true over and over again.  

As an adult I see that mother was sick and thinking she my die and worried that I wasn't good at conforming and would have problems and she wouldn't be here. Part of this maybe true but the counselor pointed out the fact that she turned me loose to do whatever I wanted was proof that she knew I would be alright. I was a leader and wouldn't be convinced to do anything stupid or dangerous. She was sick and didn't have to worry about me. 

I was mad at her because she didn't tell me that she might not make it. Even if she was thinking it my daddy didn't let anyone say anything negative because his last hope was that God was going to heal her. I believe them because I was a child and you believe that your parents are telling the truth. 

I never imagined I could experience these of breakthroughs I think the EMDR therapy distracts you brain from its usual blocking mechanisms for difficult memories. With the counselor guidance and wisdom you get down to where the core beliefs came from. 

I have always thought she loved me but really didn't like me. I knew I was alone from that point on when even my mom didn't like me. This was my child's perspective and is the basis for the story I have been telling myself all my life. I was a child and this is how I explained this to myself. 

I am growing leaps and bounds these days. I have always felt that we start out life like a shinny ball and then life happens. Layers of wet blankets are thrown over us and we adapt to the weight until the shinny person we started out as disappears. 

I didn't willing faced my demons I was forced to face the pain of those outer layers when I was left by my husband at 30. The only person I had ever trusted left me and couldn't go on. I went to therapy and then Al-Anon until I felt relief and thought I was done but life dished me out another round that showed me I was far from it. I had another breakthrough but lately I have felt something missing.  I am happy and content but not joyful and really didn't think joy was possible.  I have felt moments of joy lately something I have only experienced with new love.  

I really think I am starting to see that original shine I once had. It feels strange and even a little scary but I am ready to relax and let myself be joyful. 

Options - Moving forward - Choosing to be here

I have be doing some investigating about different options for living. If you are like me you feel trapped sometimes in a place where you think "this is it" your life has come to this place and you can't imagine there are options.  Our lizard brains constantly want us hiding in the same bushes day after day.  Something bad could be out there ready to eat us or maybe not. 

The trouble with this is we can prepare ourselves for every possible scenario except the one thing that wasn't on our list.  We stay in jobs or in relationships that just don't work anymore because our brain wants things to be less complicated. Telling us that this is all there is so deal with it.

I do think even the act of just seeing what is out there is a way to feel like you are moving forward. For me I am thinking in this market where my house is worth twice as much  maybe I should investigate the possibilities. 

Don't get me wrong I love my house but I am not the person I was when I bought it and my life doesn't require this much space. It is beautiful and at the time it was everything I ever dreamed of and I imagined the potential it had for gathering of friends and family. I did entertain for awhile and had regular group meditations on the porch but for the last few years it has been empty. 

I spend my free time working on maintaining it and I am not sure I want to keep doing this.  I had a long full week at work and felt physically exhausted but worked on the house yesterday. I worked inside today getting ready to go back to work tomorrow.

My sister thinks I am nuts she loves my house but never visits. I think she would love this house if it was where she lived. When I found this house I called it a God thing because it had everything on my wish list and both a friend and my realtor called me the same day about it. 

It was empty and needed somewhere to move my stuff.  The life I had known had ended abruptly and I needed a place to live.  The process was effortless this was all I could handle because I was in shock and could make decisions. I got a mortgage without having a job and a few short months later the stock market crashed and no one could get a mortgage.  

Timing is everything and I believe that when you are in the flow with life then the right things come to you at the right time.  If it is right then it all works and it feels good. 

We all have options and seeing what they are can make the life we have seem something we have chosen and not a place where we are stuck. I was forced out of my old life and it changed me for the better. I needed more than what I was being offered and I have found happiness and peace that I didn't know existed. 

The story I tell myself - I am not dead yet - Being in a rut

I feel great this time of year with the sunny days and the hope of new beginnings. I heard a speaker this morning that took me back to my own core beliefs about life and how to succeed where other people fail.  It is about "the story I tell myself". 

I have written about this many times but I sometimes forget about the power of this idea and fall back into to the limitations of my own beliefs or the the words that other people have used to put me where they wanted or thought I should be. 

I know as children we are sponges and think the words of grown ups are true. They are the Gods in our lives and they have all the power. Everything they say we think is absolutely true and if even as adults we can see the lies but their words still linger just below the surface. 

If you have a family like mine life is about survival and that is the best you can hope for is to keep your head down and just survive. This was my family culture even more so after my mother got sick. I can't remember there ever being joy in my home. If you weren't accomplishing something or doing God's work saving people you were idol and that wasn't acceptable. 

I was a watcher from an early age my dad said that even before I could speak I was constantly looking around like I was studying the room. My mother did schedule family time like game night but she never seemed to laugh or enjoy those moments. The summers were my best memories being set loose to spend the day outside until all the other kids went in to dinner forcing me to go home.

My mother taught us to be independent and I was happy that no one cared about where I was or what I was doing. She was sick and trusted me to not do anything dangerous. She knew I was a leader and not a follower and Jesus kept me from being too bad. My life wasn't like other kids lives I made my own way and by time she passed I was 11 and I knew I was on my own.

This is where the story of me started. I am alone and it is better if you don't ask for anything and just do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I am a highly analytical person and weighed the facts of my circumstance and determined I could to take care of myself. 

This has proved to be true with only a few breaking through and only because they were persistent and wore me down. I laughingly call them stalkers mainly because once I did let them in they were looking for another challenge. I learned that once you let someone in they really don't care about you. Sad I know.

The intensity of those relationships felt great to feel like a star in the bright lights even if it was only for a short time. I didn't attract normal healthy people because I wouldn't notice them because I was isolated and independent focusing on surviving. Who could survive that except an obsessed stalker with no boundaries.

What is my point? The story of my past doesn't have to be my story going forward. I am not dead yet am I? My story is comfortable to me it is what I know and it is what I have lived in my head over and over and it feels like the truth of who I am. 

I am taking steps to create a new story for myself looking for healthier more positive relationships. I am a survivor but I want to live each day not in survival mode but with anticipation and joy. If I have a bad day I can begin again at any moment and choose again as many times as it takes.

I have had periods of standing still and those times were necessary for my journey.  I have found those times gave me the ability to see how my thinking was wrong. I am scared to make changes but I want to rewrite my story and be brave no matter what life brings my way.  I am only limited by the story I tell myself everyday. 

I See You! - Being invisible

It has been a time of movement for me in ways that it is hard to wrap my mind around. I think it stems from just being ready.  I hate that you can't move on until the time is right no matter how bad you want to at least that is my experience.

I am seeing a new counselor even though when I made the appointment I really couldn't imagine what value this could add to my life. I definitely believe in therapy but I wanted to move away from my past and not have to rehash it again. When my ex walked through door an hour later I knew this was divine intervention. 

What I didn't expect was that she agreed with my decision to move away from most of the people in my life. Pointing out that these people did not support you the way you have supported them and it was an act of self love to move away from them. She pointed out that I haven't picked well and have attracted the same type of person over and over and that I deserved and needed more. 

I knew this but I have felt guilty but not enough to go back to those relationships.  Choosing to stay alone for the most part since no company is better than the drain and loneliness of being invisible. It isn't anyone's fault in the program it is said "trying to get bread from a hardware store". 

Starting with my own family ignoring me for as long as I remember and me thinking that was normal. I learned to take care of my own needs and to be autonomous. I learned early that attracting attention could backfire and you could never expect positive feedback. Keep your head down and just keep moving.

My stepmother reinforced this because when I was seen I was a target.  I learn to be even more invisible to avoid causing my daddy more more sadness since he had been through enough. 

I have been content to be invisible and no one minded as long as I was taking care of their needs and asking for nothing in return. I was happy to play that role until I felt dead inside even if I what I really wanted was to be seen. I wanted someone to say "thank you". 

There are perks for being invisible you don't have to take the shots that super stars have have to take. In my mind I really thought it was better to give than to receive. I preferred to be in pain than to have someone else suffer. 

I didn't know that until now I didn't dare to think I deserved to be thanked to have someone in my life say "hey I see what you are doing over there". Those aren't the people I picked but I did pick those that were like my family distant and not nurturing.

I have to say right now that I have fallen for those who have seen me no matter what their motives were.  A hand full of people that noticed what I brought to the table and were happy to at least a first acknowledge my existence. Being noticed felt like love to me,

I never believed I was valuable and tied my self worth to whether people loved me or not.  I knew that the more I did for others it seemed that they loved me more.  I knew that it wouldn't last because I knew I was not enough and they would see that. 

I believed that this was my fault that people couldn't love me. It never occurred to me that I have surrounded myself with the same person in different forms. It felt familiar some form of my parents love based on my level of contribution. 

This week I told someone that I was proud of myself for not letting my ex encounter rock my world. She said "well the fact you are telling me about it means that isn't true" I think this sums up the people in my life pretty well. They are not happy so they do not want anyone else to be happy either. Another trip to the hardware store for bread. 

She is another person who has never been seen and still does a lot for people who have no idea the effort it takes to support so many people without being noticed. She would never acknowledge that she would like to be seen. She rejects kind gestures because they aren't from the most important ones in her life. 

I spent the afternoon with my ex-mother-in-law this week.  She saw me because she is another invisible person working behind the scenes. We had a great visit and we couldn't stop talking. I felt so happy the next day my counselor said I seemed like a different person.  I knew it was because of that encounter with another person like me.

I spontaneously took the week off because I felt I need a rest. It isn't easy in my business but sometime you just got to do it.  With my work I am seen a lot but I get paid for it so I am not looking to be seen. 

I am going make an effort to start seeing the unseen.  I see them all because I am one them. 

Seasons of life - Reflection - Gratitude

I am feel like I have come out on the other side of my grief period.  The winter months have a lot of history for me and no matter whether I acknowledge it or not it is there in the back ground.  This year it was front and center from Thanksgiving to my mother's death anniversary the 15th.  In my mind I am thinking "get over it" but that isn't always possible. 

I don't really sit back and dwell on the events it just is an underlying sadness. Working with my ex has brought it front and center.  Just like in our relationship we are polite and pretending there is nothing unusual going on.  "Lets Just Pretend"  this can make a relationship last a long time. I tried to break through this for years but every effort ended badly me feeling like I was the villain and caused pain and suffering by wanting more.

My dad was just like that he wanted everything in Pleasantville to be pleasant. How can you complain when you have only peace in your home.  I can remember my mother trying to force my dad to give his opinion but he never did.  He would give you a string of facts about any subject he had knowledge about to help you make your decision. I loved my daddy but he seemed faraway even when he was right there with you. 

So I met someone like my dad. It was a good relationship and I felt secure there for a long time but I was lucky that I was forced to move on even if it feels like I haven't sometimes.  I am not that person so many years ago. It was a season of my life where I stayed busy with life until it hit a bump and everything I thought was important got taken from me and I had to choose whether to live or not.  

It took me a long time to decide. I didn't know who I was anymore and didn't trust myself anymore after choosing the wrong person for the second time. I lost the person I was and had to decide what to do next. A forced spiritual awakening that I don't recommend to anyone. It was necessary for me to come back to myself and love myself whether anyone else did or not. I stayed in a relationship where I was lonely because I thought who am I to want more.  

I don't believe in regret - what's the point? Every moment of our lives shapes us into the person we are today. I could make a long list of how my life would be different in a bad way without that relationship. I am grateful and mature enough at this point to see that. 

Growing up - Counseling - Moving on

The road is a little bumpy right now for me emotionally.  I decided to go to counseling just to see where I am at and maybe get an objective opinion to see where to go from here.

Having a brush with my ex only hours after making my first appointment felt like a sign from the universe that getting outside help is a good idea.  Truthfully nothing great has happened to me in the November - February months all the bad anniversaries and lurking around in my subconscious and conscious making me feel flat.

The first session was a getting to know session and we talked a little about my isolated and neglected childhood.  I haven't really talked to anyone about this because we think of my mother as a saint. What was said was that she was a strict disciplinarian who was fighting for her life and I stayed out of sight because it felt safer. 

We came to another conclusion in our second session that this is why I prefer to be in the background of all my relationships as well as my work life. It feels safer for me to do what needs to be done without drawing attention to myself. 

I guess I never really related this to my childhood.  I was for sure a strong willed child and received the punishment that went along with that. I just learned how to work around the system and accept the punishment when I got caught.  Eventually though I disappeared to my solitude in the basement to make things better for everyone else and myself. 

Every relationship after that reinforced this idea of putting the needs of others before my own. Not really asking for anything I actually needed.  It was enough to see other people happy. The problem with this is that you eventually feel empty and unappreciated. You have have taught the people around you to expect "you" to take care of everything. 

What is it that they say "an empty vessel has nothing to pour" I have ignored my neediness with most people because I have felt I was too much.  This is what I got from those early years is that I am a burden and I better make up for it by contributing as much as possible.

I have to bring this up again a woman that worked with me a long time ago bought her self a sandwich.  She appeared at my desk with a plate with a half of sandwich and some chips. I spontaneously started crying. 

Being starved for someone to think about my needs is why I end up in relationships where I am the star until the novelty wears off.  It is the same type of person over and over so I have learned not to trust myself and meet my own needs. Seeing my ex an being invisible once again really has messed with my head. It feels like everyone has moved on but me. 

Maybe this is the universe coming together to help me move on. Right now most of my relationships are based on people paying me to help them get what they want. I am comfortable with that and hold no resentment. If I am invisible I have done my job and there is tangible evidence.  I know I have a lot of growth ahead but for the moment this is where I am. 

Grief - It is part of life - Letting go

I feel like I have been grieving for the past few months.  Maybe due to the holidays or the weather or work slowing down for the holidays.  I don't really know what triggered it but I haven't felt like doing anything and have spent a lot of time doing nothing but watching TV.

The last two weeks I have felt a kind of a shift an opening up of my mind and my heart. The flow that I live in most of the time resuming and a this period of mourning ending. That is what I am doing I realize I am mourning the life that I will not have.

I went to a memorial yesterday that was packed - virtually no mask - what can I say?  A few lone wolves like myself mulling around.  We might as well had the mark of the beast on our foreheads the service being held in a fundamentalist church. If you wear a mask you don't trust God.

I get this because I was raised in a church like this and I really have no animosity towards these people because they are my people even if I don't blindly follow their beliefs. When they played a couple of praise and worship songs tears came to my eyes. 

I guess my point is that their heart is in the right place just like every other religion.  The core is truth, love and kindness but when humans are involved with our egos in charge we distort everything.  We want to feel we are special and part of an elite group of people chosen by God. This makes of secure and able to get up every morning and face the day.

We are all special and no life is worth more than another. We have to see that everyone is struggling especially now and deserve respect no matter where they are in life.  This of course is hard in practice because it is painful to see people suffer from their mistakes over and over again. We all can only be where we are in life right now.

I have suffered from my own mistakes.  Some of the things that happened to me I had no control over but I still felt somehow responsible. I thought I was damaged somehow and this is why these things were happening to me. If I hadn't raised myself I would have been told that this is just what life is like and it isn't anyone's fault. Life can really suck sometimes.

Final note my ex came into the showroom with parents in tow this week. 12 years have passed and there they were. I was on the floor and was blindsided I turnaround and went and got another designer.  She told me she couldn't wait on them because she was leaving. I went to my office and collected myself and headed back out. 

As you can imagine this brought up a lot feelings.  It was all business and went pretty well under the circumstances. A God thing I felt just to show me how far I have come. 

I am ready to move on to a new phase of my life. Seeing all the pictures at service with a huge family that love each other showed me that I was grieving and it is okay to do that. If my mother had lived I would have had some version of that family up on the screen but instead I got different life. My life has been mostly good but different than I imagined it would be.  No life is perfect and pictures represent only the best moments of any life at a memorial service.  

Grief is an act of letting go of the people we have loved and the sometimes the dreams we have had for our lives. We all do our best even if it isn't good enough and we make mistakes. We have to grieve our losses and move on.   

Embracing the space - Trusting grace

There is a certain speaker that I just don't enjoy his messages seem staged to me and I usually just turn him off.  Today I randomly stopped and listened and it felt like it was a message just for me.  The topic "embrace the emptiness"

If you believe in something greater than yourself you can be open to hear or see something that seems like it is directed to you at that moment at that time. My experience with the bird this weekend felt like a gift just like today's message felt like a gift.  

I have been struggling with emptiness through the holidays. I have intentionally emptied my life over the years to find peace.  I don't just want to fill every moment just to get through it so I don't feel alone.  I have done that and it makes me feel drained and anxious.

The message today was about space in our lives to let something greater come in. It made me think of myself standing on an empty platform at a train station alone waiting for my train to arrive. I am not anxious I am peaceful knowing that shortly I will be on my way.

I feel my life has been touched by grace.  I have overcome many obstacles and in seemingly impossible situations I have been protected time after time. I know the only credit I can take for that is really just letting go and trusting that I can't do it on my own. I look back today at all the times I felt lost and empty like I have the past few weeks and know it will pass. 

The message was sent to me at just the right moment. Normally I wouldn't be home today or watching anything and again I wouldn't have been open to this particular speaker. I can accept the grace in the words "emptiness is leaving an opening for something greater than what we can imagine".

It feels awkward and for the doer in me I ask myself "what if nothing shows up and you never feel excited or inspired about life again?" Can I trust the emptiness? 

I have been cleaning out my old files at work close to 300 or more files and I have also been purging at home. This has triggered an idea that I am finished with things as they are and I am moving on. This has made me feel panic inside since I don't have a plan but today's message was for me "you don't need a plan just trust the process". 

With the pandemic everything is different we are all different. Our culture of doing seems more empty than ever and we all are just trying to feel like our old selves but that person doesn't exist anymore.  We are forever changed and maybe that is a good thing and sitting with the emptiness is an opportunity to find out what will fill us with new joy. 

    

My turkey companion - Finding Peace

Today I was getting ready to blow the leaves off in my driveway when a turkey wandered into my yard. Now I am not in a rural setting where friendly wildlife is an everyday occurrence. I decided to sweep instead of using the blower. He or she stayed out there with me for an hour standing within one foot of me. The closer I swept to her the closer she came to me. 

I thought this was amazing to have a companion while doing my chores. She had no fear and walked through my pile of leaves kicking them around. I felt at total peace the whole time seeing the true miracle of life and survival even in an ordinary subdivision where the houses are built ten feet apart. 

It ended when a woman who walks the neighborhood interrupted us she didn't even see the bird until I pointed her out.   While we were talking the bird disappeared as if she was never there. 

My holiday has been long and I wrote a few post but lost interest before actually posting them.  I have been a little low "tis the season" but I am not complaining. I have to grab the time off when customers aren't looking for me so I am grateful even if it leaves me with a lot of time in my head. 

Today I am finishing up a lot of final things on my do to list. The weather here is about 20 degrees hotter than normal and all the plants think is is spring and are blooming.  This adds to a world that already feels upside down. You can't tell what time of year it is along with the plants.  

I am okay when I just stay in my peaceful place where I just do "the next right thing" it is only when I start wondering about the rest of my life and what I want to fill it with that I get into trouble. I feel stuck and bored and wonder if I am depressed. Does everyone feel this way when they stop long enough to think about where they have been and where they are going?

Sometimes being busy just feels like I am running from something which is what I did for years missing entire decades of my life and the people in it. I want to be awake and live more deliberately.  

I am back at work full on starting tomorrow and I won't have the pain or luxury of time to ruminate over the past.  I am going to make some changes this year getting back out there virus or no virus. I need to find somewhere I can use my talents to make a difference.  My new year's resolution if you want to call it that.  Hope everyone is peaceful and enjoying the hope of a new year.