Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Hopes and Dreams - Letting Go

So I have been thinking a lot about my life yesterday and today.  I am off work without a list of things that have to be done. I could make a list if a really wanted to but nothing that is life or death. 

I have to admit though I am still not one hundred percent comfortable with being verses doing.  I do prefer it to having a to do list constantly weighing on my mind.  

I am feeling satisfied with where I am in my life today.  It is one hundred percent better than this time last year when I still had the cloud depression floating over my head. I was already coming out of it but not feeling too steady. 

A lot of things have changed mostly for the better.  I have had to accept more loss this year including some long time friendships that I assumed would be a permanent part of my life.  I did give up my business but the time was right even though it has taken me four months to feel comfortable with the new job.

Just like the title of this blog - Letting Go it is just a part of life everything is constantly changing and if you can accept this you will be happier.  I have learned that the harder I hold on to things staying exactly the way they are the faster they slip through my fingers.  

My life feels more loose these days I try not to get to far ahead of myself.  I don't have a picture set in stone of what I will do tomorrow or even sometimes later today.  That wasn't always the case and this is what hurt me especially at this time of the year.  I imagined the perfect holiday and set out to force the people in my life to play their part.  It was all about me and I needed them to satisfy my fantasy.

Since nothing in my life has turned out at all like I expected I had to let go. Not without a fight ending with a spiral down into a depression that l almost didn't survive.  I had to let everything I believed to be true about myself and my life go. 

I had to let all my expectations go. This felt like total defeat. I thought that it meant I couldn't have hopes or dreams anymore.  That felt pretty sad how does one live without hopes and dreams?

I have found that hopes and dreams are aloud it is the plans that you have to give up.  The trick is you can't decide how those hopes and dreams will arrive you just have to trust that they will. No conditions to happiness.

I thought I could only be happy making a success out of my own company but it turns out I am happier being a part of something bigger.  I have made new friends and feel free to focus on my customers and leave the boring details to someone else. Who knew.

I have a lot a gratitude this year something I haven't had in a long time.  I am grateful to be here and to start dreaming again.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Filling in the blanks - Lesson learned

I slept in this morning really late mostly because I couldn't sleep last night I finally dosed off around 3 AM.  I never really know what causes that but over the years I have decided not to fight it even if I have to get up early the next day.  Luckily today is a day of rest for me so sleeping in is aloud.

I was sitting on my porch with my big cup of hot tea with milk looking at the jungle that is my back yard.  A wave of gratefulness washed me and for the first time in a long time I feel  really happy to just be where I am.

Everything is coming together for me not in a big way but in a lot of little ways producing a big effect. I am beginning to feel safe again.  I am beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin doing what I do best being me.
Picture for bussel sprouts post

I doubted for a long time that I would ever feel the comfort I use to feel.  In the past I only really felt those feelings within the boundaries of a committed relationship.  It was easier to know who I was suppose to be and what I was suppose to be doing.  A relationship always filled in the blanks in my life and I could use it as and excuse if I didn't get to do what I wanted to do.

It wasn't about financial security to me, even though that was really nice, it was about what I thought was emotionally security.  Looking back I can see that used the relationships more like a sedative to quell the unrest I had deep in my heart the unrest caused by the idea that I wasn't good enough.

I spent many years proving I was worthy of love.  Doing awesome things to show just how valuable I was to everyone.  This includes my work life as well as my personal life.  When I was fired after eleven years on the job I lost 240 sick days because a dedicated employee would never put themselves first. I have to laugh now.

I realize now that this has been my life lesson.  It has been repeated over and over in my life since the moment I decided if I played by the rules and was as perfect as I could be people would see how valuable I was and keep me around. They would appreciate me and love me.  I would feel safe.

I know now that the safety I was looking for was inside of me the whole time.  I don't have to prove my worth to anyone but me and the critic in my head.  On my best days I can see just being ordinary is good enough. I don't have achieve superstar status in the eyes of others or in my own eyes to know I will be loved.

I am lovable just the way I am warts and all and I no longer need someone else to confirm that for me. I am happy to end this life lesson of sacrifice and rejection. I don't have to prove anything to anyone but me and that of course is a full time job.

Now that I know that, I think I am actually ready for a new relationship where I am not looking for someone to fill in the blanks for me.  I can do that myself now.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Brussel Sprouts

I wrote a really long post yesterday but for some reason I opted not to post it.  I have spent the past two days in a row off which feels pretty strange these days.

Yesterday I went to our local open market and bought some vegetables.  It is one of those markets where everything is packaged to look like it was pick out of someones back yard. Our needs these days to capture some long lost connection to the good old days while we take pictures of the vegetable and post them on the Internet.

I looked at some lettuce that actually looked fluffed and picture perfect and cost $6.00.  I don't have the budget for fluffed lettuce so I purchased some beets, cauliflower and brussel sprouts.

My mother would be so happy with the cruciferous  vegetables. They are called cruciferous because they have little crosses at the cut part of the stem.  I like strong vegetables mostly because we had to eat whatever was put on the table except the meat. We could leave the table if we ate all our vegetables so we learned to like all vegetables. My parents were ahead of their time.

I don't remember ever seeing a fresh beets or even a canned ones for that matter. We ate a lot of cabbage in our house and I can remember my mother giving me the core to munch on until dinner was ready.  I could never understand peoples hatred for brussel sprouts. I thought they are just baby cabbage but then I had them boiled and it was clear why.

I never met a vegetable I didn't like so I had to come up with a better method for cooking them.

First I think all fresh vegetables are better with a little color on them so I cut them in half, tossed them with olive oil and put them cut side down in a hot cast iron skillet or griddle. Just leave them there until they get brown.  It works like a charm and if not just toss them in butter at the end.

While I was cooking and cleaning today was thinking about my past holidays the ones that were really memorable.  I have to go way back for those perfect memories from my childhood the ones that I have played over and over in mind until every detail was perfect. The truth is those memories are a child's memory. The truth is my mother was already sick and we were just surviving.

Our past are as good or as bad as we choose to remember them. It is our picture to paint and we can choose to see what was good or choose to see what was bad. It is only a memory.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Facing life and finding peace

I guess it is obvious that I have been busy.  There is a lot stress starting your life over and some days I feel I am just not up to it.

 My mind feels old and brittle and I wonder what was I thinking signing up for this. Other days I actually feel like I am exactly where I am suppose to be. Most days I just try not to think at all.

I made it through another Thanksgiving for that I am grateful.  It is part of my story being dumped twice at Thanksgiving I tell myself I shouldn't let it bother me anymore but it does.  This year I just accepted the emotions that flowed over me and they passed quickly. I cooked my first turkey in 6 years.

I am grateful that I am not depressed anymore and that my life is moving forward once again.  I am grateful that today I have everything I need.

My life isn't just about work I am spending my free time drawing with pastels and getting better with each drawing. I also joined an out door painting group and made some new friends. We meet on the weekends and paint outside. The weather has been so nice here evidently we are the only area of the country with sunshine.

It has been good to take a break from writing and focus my creative spirit on drawing. These days I have less words in my head and feel at peace just working hard and finding joy in making art.