Recently during a day trip to a little town north of here my friend and I came across a woman working in her yard. The yard was full of daffodils in full bloom. It isn't often that we see them this far south. She was kind and full of life and told us that she had planted close to 100 bulbs and only half came up.
Thinking about this today I realized this is what we are doing when we share our experience strength and hope in the program. Some people come into the program and find just what they need. They are transformed and utilize all that the program has to offer and others come and when they start to feel better or start facing the some of the more painful issues they run. It is hard to let them go but they have their own path just as I have mine.
So even when only half the bulbs come up it is still a beautiful explosion of life.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
It seems once a year I have the opportunity to review what I own and look at why I am still holding on to things. In my grief I have not really done that since I moved so this weekend I was going through boxes and saw my wedding dress. It has been 20 years since the divorce and I wondered why I am keeping it. So I pulled it out and took some pictures and I will donate it with the rest of the items. The time has come and I have realized that I don’t have to let my past define me anymore.
I think for me this is part of 4th step work. I loved my husband the best way that I could at the time. I was controlling and critical because I was trying to fight the disease of alcoholism. I managed his life down to the minute and he rebelled and left. I my mind he left because his pain was too great and I couldn’t make him happy. At the time I thought it was my responsibility to make him happy and I had the illusion that I had done that and some how I lost my ability to do that. When it was over I felt like a victim until I realized we all are looking for love and comfort. Mostly outside ourselves, the alcoholic uses the drink and we use the alcoholic. Running the lives of others keeps us from looking at ourselves.
I only know my side of any situation and looking at my part honestly I can only hope to do better the next time. Having compassion for the person I was at that time in my life is part of my own recovery. I was in the dark about what I was facing and today I can see that I was doing my best.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
The picture is a peaceful reminder of what calmness looks like. The stillness shown here is something I am experiencing right now. Aptly called a waiting pool ok I know it is wading pool but not for me. I have been in a place of waiting for a long time and I am just now getting comfortable with this place in my life. It is a part of my fourth step. I have always been an impatient person. On the outside it isn’t always obvious but on the inside I am always scanning every situation for efficiency. How can I make this better, what’s the next right step? What should I be doing right now? So this is my character defect. On the positive side of this defect is that I have made a living at making things work. But personally I am experiencing what it is like to have real peace. No where to run to nothing that is life or death. My pool is calm and I am ok with that today. So my character defect is that I am never satisfied it is the human condition.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I haven’t written in a while because I have been taking a break from the routine which is my life. I always thought that the objective of life was to find security for oneself a stable relationship a steady job all the creature comforts but it has recently come to my attention that those things are nice but ultimately are fleeting. We work hard to keep things the same and then if we are successful we become bored and unsettled. So I must become comfortable with change and even try to embrace it. I read today that life is like a wheel sometimes we are on top and sometimes on the bottom only the hub has the least amount of change. This to me is my spiritual core the place that I go back to when comes and my anxiety is high.
In nature everything is always changing. The photo today is from yesterday’s trip to a museum garden. A flower only peaks for a few days and then its moment of glory is over and it is time for something else to take its place. If we could realize that we are part of this cycle we could relax and accept where we are today.