Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Love letters - Endings - Final Step

I feel like things are ending. I am not sure why I feel this way maybe because I am not running so much to keep up at work. I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin and less like I need strive to be better at what I do. I am at a place where I want to just stop and take care of the other parts of my life that have been neglected.

I recently got this idea that I wanted to write some love letters.  It came to me when one of my friends had a birthday and I thought about how much I admired her. I didn't write it but I still can. I also thought what if I write to all the people in my life that have made a difference whether they are still around or not.

I can admit now that I have been lost in the story of me for a long time.  That story eventually led me to a spiritual and emotional breakdown and then to recovery. This is an old story now but during my life and especially during the blackest times I couldn't see anything but my own pain. I don't think I really ever saw the good in my relationships I always focused on what could be improved and what I wasn't getting.

The 12 step programs does suggest letters of amends and maybe this is what I am doing. I don't think I would necessary send them out but I think it would be good for me to acknowledge that I did have help and there were people that stayed with me even when I could not be with them. As for the people that left me I also want to at least acknowledge the gifts they gave me instead the pain of when they left.

I am definitely not planning to give them to anyone not in my life now because I don't expect or want them back in my life I don't think. I am not the same and they are not same either our time together has passed. I just would like to acknowledge that they meant something to me even if it is different now.

For the people in my life now how could it hurt to let them know exactly how I feel about them. This is what I always wanted from the people in my life. Someone to just say how much they loved and appreciated me.

I have to admit that I don't think I really ever heard that and if I did I probably didn't believe it because I was sure I never going to be enough even for myself. I was never too generous with my own love an appreciation either always looking for improvement criticizing others as much as I did myself.

I am at an ending now which means I am also at a beginning. I want to be free to just enjoy life and writing love letters might be the final step for me.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Letting go - Seeing the magic happen

I have been cocooning and have not been inspired to do much of anything including writing.  I have felt more than a little blah since I helped a friend move the furniture we used to stage his house back to both our houses.  The furniture and some boxes are still just where we left them all over my house.

I have had a few small health issues I think related to over doing things.  I am known for my manic spurts of inspired doing and sometimes over doing.  If I decide I am ready to do something I jump up and start doing it. If I wait and plan I lose interest or if I think too much about it I feel overwhelmed and lay down.

The past two weeks I have been doing the least I can get by with and trying not to judge myself for it. I still judge myself but so far the spaces I have created by doing nothing has been filled by nice surprises.  At work old customers have shown up ready and with checks in hand. My friend after selling his house gave me a nice check for my help getting it sold. This was certainly not expected but appreciated.

I am always surprised how letting go generally yields great benefits. It goes against our nature or certainly our culture to not take the bull by the horns and work every angle to get what we think we want or need. To think that it is our responsibility to do something every minute instead of trusting and letting life come to us and seeing the magic happen.

I have let go in the past but mostly because everything was out of my hands. I was emotionally bankrupt and had no choice.  It was mostly surrender and not voluntarily.

In the past turned things over to god that I had no control over just to give myself some peace. What I am doing now is eliminating the first part - exhausting every possible thing I thought I should do to get what I thought I wanted and needed.  I have decided that I don't really know what I want or need so why shouldn't I just let go.

Every bad thing that has happened to me even years of depression has resulted in a lighter more whole and healthy person. I can see and accept that everything was always in perfect order certainly not the order I wanted. Even the depression burned off all those ideas I had about who I thought I was the person that only existed in my mind and caused me pain. The person that exhausted me.

I have clean slate to work with now and during my cocooning I am watching ideas float by seeing if any of them inspire me. I am resting in the idea that everything is in perfect order today.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Sabbatical - One day at a time

The word sabbatical came from the Jewish idea of the sabbatical year. When the fields were left fallow every seven years. A rest. I also pertains to those who observe the sabbath as a day of rest and worship.  This came to me while sitting on my porch this morning trying to decide whether I had to work today or not.

I have been off the past three days because of the holiday we were closed. Normally I would have worked this weekend and been off today if I so desired. I could work. I can always work I have the kind of job where you have imaginary customers until they sign so you are always working on jobs you may never get.

This makes me have judgements about myself and wonder why some jobs I get and some I don't. When I am spiritually where I want to be I just accept that all I can do is be myself and accept what comes my way. I do my best and so far it has worked out for me.

The idea of a sabbatical seems very appealing. I think today most people associate it with professors taking a sabbatical from teaching for research and travel. The dictionary said paid but it is an old dictionary.  I am not sure how many people get paid sabbaticals these days.

This morning I was questioning the past three days of doing nothing. It wasn't exactly nothing but close to it I did go out to small music jam fest yesterday for a couple of hours. I was close to 90 degrees and 100% humidity so not exactly pleasant. Our sketch group was meeting there to sketch the musicians.

Afterword a couple of us went to Chili's for dinner. The power went out and our order was lost and my food arrived cold two hours later we finished dinner. I took it all in stride and they took my meal off the bill. I felt that going out was a mistake after all.

I wasn't inspired this weekend to do anything. I was going to work on my house but the urge passed and here I am today deciding not to go to the office.

The idea of a sabbatical sounds about right to me. I thought when the idea popped up in my mind that it was interesting that it was every 7 years. I have been here 7 years and it has been seven years since the life I knew ended abruptly.

Just for today (ok it has been 4 days) I am going to do what I want and not worry about the imaginary consequences.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Gray - Fear

After reading some of the post today about both marriage equality and  the shooting in South Carolina I feel both encourage and saddened. I think that it is hard for people to accept that the world is becoming more and more gray. Some things changing and some things staying the same.

I imagine that the supreme court decision struck fear into the hearts of many this past week.  I heard someone at work state that this would lead to church losing their tax exempt status if they don't accept gays. I was on the other side of the wall and had to laugh what a leap. It is always about the money isn't it?

The world is becoming more and more interconnected it is getting harder to isolate ourselves with people that think like we do. This scares people that liked the world when everything was black and white and you knew what was right and wrong. Especially the generation before me.

It was clear who the good guys were and everyone rallied around the TV and the 4 stations if you count PBS and were told exactly what we needed to know and life was simpler. Life has never been simple and it was just easier before the information age to pretend it was.

We have to think more than we ever have had to before. Today everything out there is testing what we thought we knew to be true. It requires us to live in the moment and make judgements in our lives on a day to day basis and that constant shifting is stressful and too much for some people.

The truth that life can never be totally safe goes against everything we live for. We just want to be safe and happy and with change it wakes us up sometimes with a hammer like the shootings and the supreme court decision. Showing us that the dream we are living in isn't real.

We have to step out of the world created by our own thinking and see that we live there alone and that other bigger things are happening. We have to accept that other people live in a different worlds than our own.  Sometime those worlds can collide and the result isn't always positive.

I am sad about the shooting and know that such an act was inspired by fear of change. Seeing ones inner truth tested by outer reality can be too much. Denial is in my opinion trumps everything and you can be right all the up until the minute you see you are wrong. Some people can't accept being wrong no matter what the consequences.

I think shootings will always happen. We live in our minds and if the story we tell ourselves is destructive of fixed on blaming someone else for our problems it can end in violence.  By nature I think we want someone to be responsible for how we feel it is easier than taking responsibility for our own lives. Luckily it doesn't normally result in attacking someone physically but this idea can take over our lives and feel us with fear and hate.

I feel lucky that I was raised by parents that believed and equality and love. Christ message was ultimately love one another. They also taught me that you have to be responsible for yourself and you would be accountable for your own decisions.  This along with if you don't do right you will go to hell.  I have chosen to focus on equality and love and dismiss the hell part.

I am happy today to be off in celebration of the 4th. Three days to work on my house and celebrate my mental and emotional freedom.  Hope everyone is celebrating something with someone.