Saturday, July 27, 2013

Freedom - What a concept

My life is about to get really crazy so I am not sure how often I will be able to write. We are dissolving our business partnership. It has never been a partnership just two people working under the same roof.   I thought she was going to buy me out but the low ball ofter was really low so we are going to liquidate.

Closing a business that has been in the same location for 40 plus years will be no easy task. We were put together by circumstances and at this point we have irreconcilable differences.  Nobody knows this yet but you. I have a few jobs to wrap up and then I will go on to my new life.

I got to work this morning and vandals had broke one of our huge plate glass windows.  In my mind this is just another sign to get out. We are both ready she wants until the end of the year but I am not waiting that long.

It feels a little like divorce but without the loss of love that was once there. We are similar in a lot of ways we even say things at the same time. She is a mirror of myself 10 years ago. I wanted to avoid yet another breakup but it isn't possible.

I am actually happy and when I saw the window I thought "it is time to go." I am sad to give up this dream but I think it has played itself out. I don't really feel too invested in anything anymore.

It is really peaceful in my head and I don't feel I have to prove anything to anyone anymore even myself. My ego is disappointed that I not the driven person I use to be. I am happy to just be who I am.

The years of depression changed me forever.  I haven't been a great partner all the time. I couldn't take the lead like I did in the past to get things done. I was burnt out emotionally. I wasn't able to be the rock for the first time in my life.  The rock was under water. With those word I feel so much emotion.

I am so grateful to no longer be there. I found my way out, with God's help I was able to see the lies I believed about myself. I could see how I believed I was unworthy of love and thought that was why everyone left me.

People leave because they have got to go. They leave because they think they can be happier someplace else and maybe they can. Maybe I need them to go so I can be happier too.  I stay too long I use relationships to avoid dealing with the deepest of issues I can't face.

I have faced
those demons and I am finally free for the first time in my life. It feels weird to not be waiting for someone or something to make me happy. I can just be happy where I am doing what I am doing. What a concept.  

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Storms - All will be revealed

It is hard to for me to sometimes live my beliefs. To not live a totally ego driven life where I make everything personal. I try to live a life where I see others through the eyes of  love.

I want to make decisions based on what is best for me and not in reaction to someone else. It makes me seem naive to a lot of people but so far God has led me down the right path and ultimately out of harms way.

The world makes the idea that everything is exactly as it should be seem pretty ridiculous. We live our entire lives preparing for possible harm. We brace ourselves for whatever outcome we can imagine and hope at the same time it won't happen.  This causes a lot of anxiety.

I am tired today with a lot of decision making going on in my head. During the night I could feel my own anxiety bubbling up in my chest. No way around it change is coming like a storm in a distance. I have always liked rain storms especially the peaceful and quiet time when you can here the rumbling moving closer it is kind of magical.

I have to remember God's timing is always perfect.

I still want to know in advance just how things will work out but there is no faith in that. I have to trust that things will work out and probably in a way that I haven't thought of.

All will be revealed. I am terrified.  

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Change - Peaceful Mind - Letting Go
Sometimes you feel as though you are letting go of the dream of who you thought you would be. You have a big idea and you forge ahead and then it doesn't happen. You wake up in the morning and your life feels ordinary. There are a lot worse things than ordinary so most days I will settle for ordinary.

Today I feel like a little part of my dream for myself has come to an end. It doesn't feel like devastation but there is sadness in my heart. I have to believe that in some way some day I will look back and see how all the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly. But for today I am sad and I feel like I have given up.

Life is like that we hardly every get exactly what we expect the way we expect it and sometimes when we do we are still not happy.

I am grateful today to be clear headed and not depressed. I am grateful that I feel strong enough to look change in the face and say "bring it on" I am ready.

What I learned during my journey through grief and depression is that nothing really matters except what is going on in your head. All the things and people that you thought you couldn't live without seem pale in comparison to losing your mind. The one person you thought would never leave you.

I am not the same these days I see my life from above now. Like I am watching a movie character and I know that the movie ends well so I am not too worried for her.

In my life I have done a lot of things to trying to create the security I thought I lost when I was younger. I felt like everything in my life needed to be permanent in order to feel secure. My relationships, my job, my house and my stuff.  I thought when things changed or went missing I was doing something wrong and so the next time I would try harder to nail things down.

This time I learned that what I needed was spiritual security. A knowing that I am never alone and that a mind that stops seeking happiness outside itself is a peaceful mind.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

My story - A moment of reflection - I am not afraid
In my mind I have been on my own forever. The loss of my mother naturally left me to emotionally fend for myself and the loss of my father emotionally left me with only the person in the mirror to be the judge, jury and executioner.

I became hard as nails being on my own at such an early age. I didn't have much empathy for others or myself because of the hand I felt I had been dealt. Life reflected my insides by giving me one harsh reality after another. I lived life preparing for the worst and I got it. Just to reinforce my idea that life was unfair.

When I was at my lowest I surrendered just like Step One states I was broken and my way wasn't working. I had met the alcoholic of my dreams and later my nightmares. I had trusted another to be my God and we all know how that works out.

The program gave me the means to identify how I participated in creating this nightmarish life. I did everything they told me to do and in the beginning went to every meeting I could find. The transformation was remarkable and in six months I was able to turn things over and not worry so much or be so hard on myself or other people.

After three years I met someone and we merged our lives and I got an opportunity to practice these principles in all my affairs. In my effort to keep from repeating my past I worked hard to stay autonomous.

I was happy for awhile but something was missing in the relationship, I think is was me. I thought what I had learned was live and let live but I took it too far and fell back into the being isolated emotionally and picked someone that was the same. There was no vulnerability or even emotion of any kind. Hey it felt good to me after living with the emotional roller coaster of a life with active alcoholism.

I did everything I thought I was suppose to do. That is an important sentence. I didn't get any feedback so I just did what seemed like the logical thing to do. You can live a long time together when two people are happy without emotion. I had only known pain most of my life so it felt pretty good to coast.

But it did finally run it's course and there I was left to deal with only myself. I didn't lose myself in another person, but the other person filled my life so I didn't have to grow emotionally anymore.

I feel that I orchestrate change subliminally in my life. I drown out the voice of my spirit with busyness but eventually when I stop to catch my breath the dullness and lack of joy in my life comes to the surface and a dramatic change takes place.

This is happening to me now. The difference is that it feels good to me. It doesn't feel like it is a mountain I will have to climb it just feels life freedom to move my life from dullness to joy.

My spirit is at the wheel. It has silenced the logical side that requires me to always prepare for the worst. I can feel that peace once again the peace I felt when I entered the program but this time it isn't from trusting the old man in the sky it is from trusting spirit of God within me. The one that has been waiting for me to listen and the one that isn't afraid.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Timing is everything - Accepting my own process

The one thing I know for sure about myself is that given enough time and willingness I can figure things out. If I wait long enough and continue to ask myself  "am I wrong about this?" I will eventually get to a truth that I can live with.

I am not always wrong but I am not always right either. The time between deciding seems to be the most awkward and painful place for me.  I want to rush to resolution.

It is like when the traffic is really backed up and you decide to get off at the next exit. You go through all those back roads and it feels like you somehow beat the traffic but really end up getting there in the same amount of time especially when other people had the same idea.

It is an illusion or it is entertainment something to fool the mind into thinking you are making progress when you are not. This is how my mind works when I want to be further along in my maturing process.

I doesn't help unless you count the entertainment factor. It is also exhausting to me to mentally take many different road, mostly in my head, before I find out that I will get there when I get there.

When I have a problem with someone and facing them will be scary I procrastinate until I feel ready or something forces me to have a face to face.  During this percolating phase I make up stories of what the other person is thinking and how they are intentionally hurting me. I always make it about them I can spend hours, days and sometimes weeks doing this.

What I am learning about myself is that I am just not ready to face the consequences even if I have don't know what they are my imagination has given me plenty of different scenario to be afraid of.

I often find that the people I do this with the most are the ones that can hurt me most. Whether emotionally or financially they make me afraid. I make me afraid because I think they can hurt me.

I had a meeting yesterday that I had imagined would go about 99 different ways except the way it actually went. I woke up this morning thinking "I have got to stop doing this." I have got to stop judging people and just take care of myself. Not because it is bad for them but it is bad for me.

I am not saying you should trust everyone with all your heart but you do have to trust that things, in time, always work out. If I continue to focus on my own thought instead of thinking another person should be different than they are then I will never find peace. It is always about me and my thinking.

I am getting stronger every day and trusting that God will be with me no matter what happens. It feels good to feel more
confident about my life one day at a time.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Whacked upside the head - Wearing rose colored glasses

When you always do what you have always done you always get what you always got.  This is what I learned when I first came to the program. I am not sure if it is technically a slogan or not but it is true.

The thought for today is that I see people through rose colored glasses. I stay too long and expect too much from the people in my life. Then I am shocked when the do something totally out of character or even sometimes when they do something totally in character. It is me, they haven't changed I just didn't want to see the way the really were.

My story has been that I trust too much.  It is true but I am not planning to change. In the end it is mostly my feelings that get hurt. Somehow the material and financial part of my life is protected.  I choose to think of this as a God thing.  I always learn a lot.

I can't go around suspicious and bracing myself to be screwed over at any moment. That is no way to live. It is no way to live thinking everyone is devious and can't be trusted. It is too much work you get hurt eventually when people are involved.

If you want complete love and trust, get a dog. If you want to learn you got to put yourself out there. You got to take a chance that you get more good than bad out of any relationship.

I have few regrets about my life especially around trusting people. You can watch them every minute and still get whacked upside the head when you least expect it. You can choose to be the whacker instead, which sometimes I think might be healthier, but it just isn't my style.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Forks in the Road - Only time will tell

I have been in a tizzy for a day.  I feel my paths are split and my mind is wanting me to make a decision already and get on with it.  I am resisting but yesterday I lunged towards one decision that I have been toying with for some time now.

The result was not at all what I expected. The result was nothing. Not a word, not a peep nothing to confirm or deny whether it is or is not the right decision.

I find that my logical mind wants to just move along and not wait for God's timing. God takes too long in my opinion. I also know that isn't true when I look back at any part of my life I can see just how perfect the timing was no matter how awful it felt when nothing was going my way.

My indecision is fueled by things just not being ready. I am not ready or the circumstances are not right. I think now it is because my right brain is getting stronger and keeping my left from bulldozing me into just doing something.  All signs point to wait.

If I can take this moment or even this day for just what it is then I have everything I need. If I think of next week or next month or next year then I am impatient and just want to make things happen.

I was broken for a long time and now I am better. My thinking is clearer but I still doubt my abilities and this makes me want to run away.  I got no place to go so running isn't really option.

I can see today what is happening I have to start facing my fears and prove to myself that I have still got it. The time it is taking for me to make decisions is healing time. Part of me thinks that I have been permanently damaged and I will never be the same. The other part knows that this has actually made me stronger than ever.  Not the same but a better version of myself.

It is true that I don't really know who I am exactly, but I have to be okay with that.  I know that I am not the person I was so everything feels like new territory. Each fear I face is one step closer to discovering who I am now.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Drawing - Dealing with worry

I woke up worried this morning. Usually this goes along with the thought of "what is going to happen to me?" to start the ball rolling. I turned on my favorite (only) TV evangelist for some inspiration. This is what I do when I don't really want to face the day. Three segments later I decided to get up and get dressed for work.

I was pleased to find no one here this morning. This gives me time to resolve the issues in my head and get my day started. I know the fear I have is because my life isn't full enough right now. Not enough work or fun to fill my days. Too much space in my head.

Yesterday I had breakfast with a friend and spent a few hours drawing and eventually headed over to another friend's house for dinner and a movie.  I had an inspired moment early in the week that I could go to a friends condo and watch the fireworks from the balcony. The traffic and the lack of parking dampened my enthusiasm for that idea yesterday so no fireworks.

I am enjoying the part of my life that involves drawing. My ultimate goal is to paint portraits in acrylics. I have been watching this guy on YouTube who uses acrylics like watercolors the same way I do. He shows step by step how to get started.

He mentioned the book Drawing on the Right Side of Brain and how much he loved it. It is an old book from the 90's that makes drawing available for everyone. It proves that it isn't as much about talent as it is about the practice of seeing. The premise is that people are mostly left brain dominant to start with and that society focuses on developing the left and right gets left behind with second grade stick drawings.

I keep running across this idea of left and right brain and it has really helped me to understand why I am always in conflict with myself.  There is actually a power struggle going on up there. The left controls language, numbers and thinks in linear terms. The right abstract and thinks in pictures. The book mentions dreaming as the right brain trying to communicate ideas to left. This explains a lot.

When I want to just trust that things are just as they are suppose to be and I feel peaceful my right brain pipes up with a list of things I should be worried about. I hear "you are crazy not to be worried about this, you better get your butt in gear or disaster will strike." This is how I felt this morning.

I really think I am middle brain with a little more emphasis on the right these days. Sometimes it feels like I am suspended over the space between the two halves. It is really uncomfortable and I am afraid to make any decisions. In the past my left brain had a plan and we were sticking to it like it or not. I can't do that anymore.

I am still moving forward and trying not to take any of my thoughts too seriously. I am getting things done despite my moments of fear. I know deep in my heart that "all is well" and everything will work out. Maybe.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Interpreting Dreams

I have been focused on trying to make a big decision about my life over the past few days and this morning I had a dream that represented just how I feel about making a decision.

I dreamed that I bought a chair. Obviously this is a designers dream when you are purchasing furniture. Anyway I had to take my one chair on a boat to get home and half way there the other two women on the boat said "you know we have to go over a  water fall."

I asked them what I should do about my chair and they said to put it in a sack. There was one there made out of scuba divining material. It just fit and then we went over the water fall and me and my chair got home safely.

I have been listening to Martha Becks book "Steering by Starlight" and she has a dream interpretation segment. She said to pretend you are each of the objects in the dream.

I thought about this. I am the chair alone one of a kind on an adventure. I think I am in danger about to go over a waterfall when I realize I do have water tight protection a thick skin. In the end everything is fine.

I could be the other women who have taken the ride before and willing to give out information to someone who doesn't have any experience.  I could be the boat a sturdy structure that can withstand such a ride and flexible enough to not break apart. I could be me where I am now not sure but willing to take direction.

I am terrible when faced with major decisions. I usually wait too long until something forces my hand. In the program we say "deciding not making a decision is really making decision." Analyses paralysis. None of this helps when I am in the loop of "you must make a decision."

There is no emergency so this week I am going try to put they decision on hold. Give myself a time out to just enjoy an extra day off this week.