Thursday, July 29, 2010

Fire on the horizon

I took this picture in the car on my way home yesterday it really doesn't do the beauty of the sunset justice but I like the way it looks. It is distorted but beautiful.

I have been working and trying to focus on getting my finances in order. I am withdrawing from my usual schedule to try to make sense of my life and whether I need to try to find a regular paying job. I worked for many years in corporate america and the thought of going back isn't exactly a dream come true.

A new customer came in today and I did close a deal yesterday so all hope is not lost. Being on commission makes you spend time your not getting paid for to help people save money so you get paid less. This seem counter intuitive to me but this is what I do every day. It is a dilemia for me sometimes. Other times people come in they like me and I give them a fair price for the service I provide and all is well.

So what is the fire on the horizon? I hope it is something magnificent.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Getting to the other side

I took this picture my road trip the other day the view was similar to a picture a friend sent to me not too long ago. I like bridges because they were built by people wanting to make it easier to get across an obstacle and everyone benefits from their hard work.

This blog has been a bridge for me connecting the person I was to the person a am today. It has given me the opportunity to share my personal pain and success while reinventing myself at the same time.

Tonight I watched Madmen and the main character made me realize that I have crossed another bridge. His wife has left him and at the same time he has started a new company. Every one needs him to be the natural leader he has always been and he isn't up to the task. He isn't himself and things are sliding down hill quickly. By the end of the program they are sucking up to customers they don't even want. He makes a great pitch and the clients say they think it is to risky. He stops for a moment and then throws them out of his office and you can see a shift has occurred.

This is where I am today. Something happen to me this weekend that has made me feel enough is enough. I am tired of feeling needy and helpless so I am standing up and dusting myself off and taking my life back. Today I am done with the grief and fear that has paralyzed me and I am ready to move on. So I am going to build my own bridges and toss those whinny customers out of my office.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Finding Center

I did in fact take a little road trip yesterday which was just what the doctor ordered. I was far enough away that it felt like a trip but not so far I didn't want to drive back. I visited a little state park and hiked around the area for a few hours and then a thunder storm passed through and I waited it out under the brush. I have always loved storms even as a child it is the power and the way they always make things feel clean.

When the rained stopped it was really humid and the park was empty and that is how I felt empty. It was a good feeling to not try to distract myself in any way. No phones, no tv, no books, nothing but stillness. This is the place I have been trying to get to for months and after my meltdown it occurred to me that I needed time on my own away from my house and my responsibilities. Sometimes you have to get to that uncomfortable place to move forward and you can't do this if you have entertainment. It pushes back the sometimes uncomfortable truth that you are seeking and ultimately the peace you are looking to find.

So today I am back to the business which is my life. I had a restless night I woke up late went next door to let the neighbors dogs out, carried my dog out schedule my cousins move and then went to work on my day off and you know what I had no resentments. Everyone got taken care of and bonus I didn't actually have to help with the move. So it is all good.

I secretly prayed this morning that I would have to help with the move and surprise they didn't need me. I think the whole weekend covered a lot of steps.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


Tonight I have been thinking a lot about limits. First limits are not necessarily good or bad just like everything else in life it is your point of veiw. This week I reached my limit and had a complete meltdown. This has happened before but for some reason I was surprised by it this time. Once the crisis passed and I picked myself up off the floor literally in this case I had to decide what to do next.

First the crisis was not of epic proportions and the reaction didn't really seem to fit the situation. Yes it is true I have a lot going on I always have a lot going on I like it that way. But every time I decide to pull back and take time to recharge life comes on a little stronger. In my work customers show up out of no where after missing for months and in my personal life previous commitments can't be ignored. It is just life.

For me an introvert I need to recharge and what usually happens is that things start to build up and I don't get the time out I need and then I have a melt down. This time not getting away has to do with my dog whose health is failing and I don't feel I can burden anyone else with her care at this point. I have thought of leaving her at the vet but she would be disoriented and that would be tramatic for her. It not just about her it is that right now my life feels unstable and taking care of her just adds to the overall unstable view I have of of my life. On my best days I know it is just in my head and I am grateful for the life I have but sometimes I feel maxed out and I am scrambling to escape the fear.

So the question is am I really limited or is thought that I am limited what is really hurting me. I tell the people I sponsor we are only limited by our thinking there is always a third option. But when despair arrives you can't see any options that is why it is despair.

So to move past my place of doom initially I took off in the middle of the day abandoned my work and went to the movies. I saw Inception and it definitely helped me get away and tomorrow I am taking a little road trip, just for the day. So I am only limited by my thoughts of being limited.

I have choices and choosing to care for my dog for as long as it is best for her is just that a choice. She is happily sleeping waiting for her next meal just what we will do when we are her age.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Living In The Moment

I think for those recovering whether from alcoholism or from the effects of alcoholism living in the moment can be next to impossible.

When I began the journey of recovery I never had a moment where I was truly in the moment ever. I look back now and see that huge spans of time that I can't even remember. When I am in a bad space today it is usually when I am worried about something that is not even happening right now and may never happen. The anxiety this creates can be paralyzing for me and I shut down with fear.

In the beginning of my recovery this was a way of life for me focused on the next thing but now even though I can go there on occasion it isn't my whole world any more and I can enjoy my current situation.

Last night I had an invitation to go on a river cruise at sunset. It was a perfect night and we stayed on the top deck for almost the whole cruise. With the wind in our faces and beauty of the water there was nothing but peace for me. I came home did some Yoga and slept like a baby. This is rare the slept like a baby part and I am grateful today for the ability to live in the moment. Progress not perfection.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Being Boxed In

I watched Oprah the other night and the topic was about why women eat too much. It was particularly interesting and had a spiritual aspect that really for me applies to everything out of balance in my life. It reminded me of when I was 30 pounds heavier had asthma and in a relationship that was literally sucking the life out of me. It was no ones fault I felt trapped spiritually and I used my love of cooking and food to sooth my soul and the stomachs of the people I love to get through it.

I go numb with a variety of things when I don't like where I am it can be a busy schedule or food. Lately I find myself eating unconsciously and then obsessing about gaining weight which makes me want to eat. It was this show that made me think about what is really going on. Really sitting with my feelings and be conscious no matter how painful that is helps me to present and not chase after a quick fix.

When I am in pain looking for a distraction is the first thing on my list but it doesn't solve the real problem it just pushes the problem down further. Like the woman said on the show your body is not craving cheesecake it something deeper.

When I feel boxed in and nothing seems to be changing anytime soon I can only do something about right this minute. Taking a moment to just be and realizing the pain is in the resistance can sometimes sooth me. Other times nothing works and I have to just feel the pain. That sucks but inevitably it usually passes and I move on.

Monday, July 5, 2010

A family Disease

I went to a party yesterday at a house that I had never been to before and when I went in it reminded me of my life living with alcoholism. I don't know the owner but the house was in great disrepair. There were unfinished projects everywhere and you could feel the sadness there.

I remembered living like that when I was living with alcoholism and even recently to some degree during grief. It is a symptom of something deeper than just bad house keeping for me it was part of being unconscious. The pain of the current situation being too great to face and shutting down.

For me both recently and with the alcoholism of the past I just felt like there was no hope yet I kept trying to think my way out of it. The difference between now and then is I have a program and the support of friends in the program to let me know that I am OK and even if maybe I have gone over the edge.

To those living with sickness what ever it may be there is hope and a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. I took this picture on my way home of the sunset behind the palms it was a slice of gratitude after revisiting the past.

Sunday, July 4, 2010


I got up this morning with no real plans for today the thought of freedom crossed my mind and since today is the ultimate celebration of freedom I thought I would write something about it.

We say we want freedom but with freedom we can find ourselves with a lot of uncertainty and fear. The monotony of the every day mundane task whether that is work or chores or even something we use to enjoy provides us with a certain amount of comfort. When things change and we are free to choose something else fear starts to bubble up. There is no security in freedom just endless possibilities good and bad.

I usually don't choose freedom it chooses me. All the big changes in my life were things that were forced on me by someone else's choices. I don't feel like a victim any more in recovery you learn that it all works out. In most cases the writing was on the wall and I didn't want to see it or I wasn't ready to see it. I don't blame myself anymore I realize the result was the same with or without my making the choice. God does for us what we can't do for ourselves.

With freedom there is uncertainty. If you believe that we choose our own path consciously or unconsciously or if you believe that God chooses it for us dealing with the fear of change is part of our human experience. Accepting the ebb and flow of this experience is part of the journey. Pushing through the fear and living in the moment keeps us from going crazy. So just for today we can celebrate the joy of freedom.