Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Timeout - The next right thing

I let my mind get the best of me yesterday the second day of my two days off. I felt paralyzed and stayed in bed for a lot of the day. I didn't call anyone because everyone is busy with their own stuff and I feel I have worn out my welcome in the "I am depressed" department.

I think about how complicated my life use to be and how much work I have done to simplify things for myself. I wonder if I have gone too far by eliminating the extras in my life.

Where do I get this over thinking from? Is this a family gene passed down to me from my mother mixed with the obsessive gene passed down from my father. A deadly combination for sure.

My mother's family were thinker's and drinkers. In my opinion this might go hand in hand. I didn't get the drinking gene but sometimes I wish badly to escape my own head and can understand the compulsion and ultimate addiction. Having reached the age of non sleep I have no escape from the thoughts that make me nuts.

My search for the truth has led me down a path of thinking that life is pointless. I know if you are reading this you are thinking hey "you better get some meds".  It might be an anniversary I am coming up on five years of being alone with my ups and downs. I just want to feel like my old self again instead of feeling like my life has no meaning. Where does that thought come from? My mind is trying to kill me.

Don't worry I did call my sponsor today. She said peace and joy are all internal. You can't count on anything external to bring you peace or joy. This of course I know. This is the issue I can't find an internal path to feeling better today.  Since I don't have the answer now I am planning to do the next right thing which is the work sitting my desk.

Someone I knew in AA once told me she put herself in timeout. No thinking. Sometimes for days or even weeks. We make ourselves crazy and we isolate. This is destructive and why we have to let someone know just how bad our thinking has gotten.

I will work through this one more time. It isn't as bad as it was before and overall my life is pretty good. (What? Is that a positive statement?) I have had many incidents of the darkest before the dawn and  I have the tools I need to overcome if I bother to open the toolbox.

Today I will "keep it simple" my favorite of all slogans. I will put myself in timeout and stay in the moment.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

What's next

I have been wanting to write but I didn't want to really put in words what I have been feeling lately. First this time of the year feels good to me. The weather is perfect even though I miss the long daylight hours. I have been busy enough at work to make my days full but have be feeling waves of emptiness at night.

Being single and living alone leaves me many hours of time to fill. I use to just sign up for anything and everything to keep from dealing with the fear an emptiness that I was facing when I was alone. I finally burned myself out and was forced to stop and look at the truth. This is my life now. No it isn't what I expected it would be but nevertheless here I am alone with nothing but an open road ahead of me.

I never really had an idea of what my life would be like but it wasn't this. I look around and see no one that I would like to trade places with. So now the question is what should I do with the rest of my life?

It will be five years Thanksgiving since the end of my last relationship. I have learned a lot and really have grown up for this first time in my life. I have stopped expecting other people to fill the void within me and validate my very existence. I am not blaming anyone for how I feel anymore.

I realize now that the blaming game took up a huge chunk of my life and without it I have endless amounts of free time. This can be good if you are a doer and bad if you are a thinker.

At night when I am alone I think too much and wonder just how did I end up where I am and if this is really God's plan for me. During the daylight hours work distracts me and I feel grateful that I am not where I once was and that I have choices even if I feel lonely some times.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Duck crossing - Timing is everything

I was driving down the road yesterday when three very large ducks decided to cross the road. They weren't in too big of a hurry and really never even took note of me. They were pretty large and with there long necks looked very graceful. I was glad I wasn't lost in some faraway thought it might not have been such a beautiful scene.

My friend and I were on our way back from a sound healing session. Where each person finds there own tone and they express it in unity with the group.  I was nice and a very social afternoon. My philosophy is as always whatever works for you and take what you like and leave the rest.

These days I feel that I am really changing inside. Even some of my biggest angst are fading into the back ground. My sight is getting clearer and clearer and I am willing to let go of some of my most childish thoughts.

During the sound toning exercise she asked us to think of something that embodied complete love. The one thing that made us feel love. My mother popped into my mind. I could see her on her knees praying by the bed. She been gone 39 years and she is still my greatest love.

On the way home my friend said she saw her daughters. We talked about a mother's love and how no other love compares to that.

I don't believe that if my mother had lived that I would be the person that I am today. Her death took me down and built me up at the same time. I had to overcome a lot of things. Even now when I am lonely and tired I wish she was here to comfort me and give advice. Not that I would take it but it would be nice.

Last night around nine I started feeling restless and bored. I decided I needed to get out of the house. I threw on my running cloths and headphones and ran out the door. I ran around my neighborhood until I couldn't run anymore.

Sometimes you just got to get out and run.  It felt like freedom to me and I am grateful I my body goes along with this desire. I feel happy right now and feel my life is about to open up in a good way. God's timing is never off even if from my perspective nothing is happening.

Like those ducks I am not too interested in the reality of my situation I just moving ahead at my own pace and trusting the universe will oblige me.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Not so wild horses and breaking free

This is my second attempt to write since returning from my vacation. I have been in a slumps since getting back I guess I thought my life would magically change or I would magically change while away. Maybe I have.

First I had a great time. My friend is a Hospice nurse and works one week on and one week off so she was able to take the whole week off with me.  I really wasn't counting on that and rented a car that never left the house.

We hiked maybe 30-40 miles over the course of the week. I was able to keep up even with the high altitude. My recent plunge back into running helped me to get ready. Sometimes she did get ahead of me and it felt like I was alone in the woods which was very peaceful. Especially since we talk non stop when we are together.

The second hike was amazing. During the walk we encountered a herd of domestic horses with there trusty guard dog. We know that because his collar said so. We turned the corner and six horses stood on the trail and they just walked right up to us and we petted them. The dog was extremely friendly it was a magical experience.

During our five hour hike up the mountain we encountered rain, hail and sun.  The leaves were turning and the floor of the forest was covered with pink and yellow leave. The trees were at their peak and with the dark evergreens (giant Christmas trees) as the back drop it was heaven. In my mind nothing more beautiful.

The trip was good for me and since I have never gone somewhere just for me. I usually visit family and that ends up being more work than relaxation.

My friend is unique in that she has spent her life moving around. Doing what most people couldn't even imagine doing. She has built her life around freedom. Freedom from things and attachments to places. Ironically she just got married and because  her husband has attachments they have to stay in Salt Lake another two years.

She is learning about staying put and I am dreaming about freeing myself from the idea that I must stay put. I already know about long term commitment and making a home. I have been here since I was 17.

In recent months I have toyed with the idea of moving to Austin. Ironically while at the airport I had dinner with a woman who lives in Austin. She gave me a lot of information and it seems the cost of living is about the same as it is here.

I am not going to start packing tomorrow and I am not naive enough to think any place or point in the future will make me happy for long. It is the idea that I have choices and that moving is just one of them. Starting over someplace new is not a cure but the idea of it does make me think of ways to make my life less tied down.

I need to change things up because my life as it is is not working for me. I will start with the little things and see how I feel and then we will see what happens next.

picture from ravallirepublic.com