Monday, March 24, 2014

A New Table Saw - Rejecting the past

So I bought a new table saw today.  I used to have one in my old life but had to leave it behind along with the relationship.  I use to be quite handy and worked part time as a handy person while getting my design degree.

I left a lot of things behind with that relationship including my self confidence. Today I was driving down the road thinking about how I am making my way back to the person I was more than six years ago. The gratitude of this brought tears to my eyes.

I read once that it should take one month for every year you were in the relationship to get over it. It was a 13 year relationship so unless we are using dog years in reverse I am not normal. I am so grateful to just be interested in life again it doesn't really matter to me now.  

I could blame it on my family maybe a bad grieving gene passed down certainly it would be from my mother's side of the family.  I remember my Grandmother crying for literally years after my mother died. Grief over the death of her youngest child is normal but I think it was more than that it was the death of the dream of how her own life would be that was so devastating. My mothers death changed all our lives.

This last break up for me felt like one day I was basking in the comfort of knowing how my life was going to turn out and boom  it ends and my mind, body and soul was forced into the unknown. The stability I dreamed I had started spiraling out of control and the idea that nothing would ever feel the same again was more than I could take.  I resisted reality with every part of myself and when that didn't work I had a breakdown.

We love the people that leave us in death or through the front door but we do stop missing the real person. We paint a rosy picture of them and forget that they left dirty socks on the floor or said hurtful things.  We keep the idea of them alive with a dream of how our lives would be perfect if they were here now.

This is just our way of staying right where we are until we can accept that they are not coming back and we have to create a new dream for ourselves. We have to get past blaming them for leaving us or for not loving us and we have to get past blaming ourselves for not being enough. It takes as long as it takes.

It isn't true that I am returning to the person I was before that person doesn't exist anymore. I am returning to a secure emotional life based on love and respect for myself instead of leaving that in someone else is hands.

I bought a table saw today so I can help my friend install his laminate floor. This shows me that I am no longer rejecting the part of me that I associate with the past. I can see that I have healed the deepest part of me and I am ready to create a new dream for my life.  

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Grace - Something greater than myself

I spent the day working in the yard.  It was really beautiful here and a nice day to get out and get moving.  I cleaned the leaves off the roof and cleaned the gutters. Even though I have have been in the this house six years now it feels like it is new to me.

Sometimes I feel really guilty about the time I was lost in depression. What I have ahead of me is pretty daunting where my house is concerned. It reminds me of when I lived with alcoholism.

When my husband left the house was full of stuff. Years of two really sick people living together. Every room was packed and we even had two broken down cars in the garage.  He walked away and I retreated to my bed. It was too much for me losing him what would I do I couldn't take a breath without him. He was my saviour.

When I crawled out from under that rock and attended my first meeting I began to change. I began to start to take care of myself.  My life stopped revolving around someone else and there wants and needs. I started making decision that were what I needed and from my heart.

It was really scary to be on my own again.  I wasn't making enough money to pay the mortgage let alone the rest of the expenses that went with owning a house.  The program gave me the courage to move forward. It taught me how to believe in the grace of God in my life and there was a lot of grace.

I got two promotions and in one year that doubled my salary. Totally against company policy to get two promotions in one year but somehow it happened to me.

Before the promotions I needed to sell those cars and didn't even have the money for an ad in the paper. One had four flat tires.  I used my bicycle tire pump and pumped those tires up, popped the clutch into neutral and rolled it out into the drive way.  I put a for sale sign on it and the next day someone knocked on the door and offered me 2,000 in cash. The other I sold back to my ex after he totaled his car.

I believed and it worked.  I believed that God was taking care of me. It was just me and him until I met someone and then I shifted some of that faith on to my new love. Little by little I made a life that depended on the people and things around me instead of the grace I had found.

It is good to love and be loved but there must be more a deeper since of trust in yourself and trust in something greater than yourself spiritually. To know yourself to the core to face the secrets you have kept even from yourself. To lay it all out there and accept and love yourself regardless of what you see.

My journey has led me to some pretty awful places but I have no regrets because it has brought me full circle back to myself.  The person I was before I learned life the wrong way. I have found true grace.

Friday, March 14, 2014

I really do like the Blues

I worked from home today for the first time since I started my new job.  If feels weird to me I haven't worked at home since I moved to this house; When I lived with my ex I regularly worked at home and enjoyed getting a break from the office.

For some reason this house doesn't feel a part of me yet. Even though I have been here 6 years now. I think maybe because I was missing five out of the six years. I rejected my new home and my circumstances it all felt wrong like I didn't belong here or anywhere for that matter. So I left emotionally.

This is a great house and now that I am back maybe I can make in mine in my heart. The life I thought I was going to have ended abruptly and it was too much. But at some point you have to move on like it or not.

Tonight I was thinking about how complicated relationships can be after I watched an episode of Parenthood.  A once stable couple on the show is separated. He decided to move out and it seems like divorce is inevitable. She ask him why he isn't fighting for them she says "the person I knew would fight for us."

I said to my husband when he decided to leave. I guess sometimes it is too late to fight or your just too tired. Sometimes there is the dream of something different or someone different that makes people give up.

Today while I was working I was listening to the blues classics and it reminded me of when we were together. We use to go to the Blues festivals and concerts together. I wasn't sure if he really liked the Blues or whether the festivals were an excuse to drink for days. Sitting in the sun with a bunch of drinkers ruined these times for me.

I divorced the Blues when I divorced him but today I realized that I really do like the Blues. Back then my life revolved around him and it was hard for me to know where he ended and I began. I am glad to find the Blues again after 20 years.

It is back to the office tomorrow where I will have no time for thinking or for the Blues.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Sleepless night and barking dogs

I had a night of interrupted sleep at about 4 am I just woke up for no apparent reason.  I turned on my favorite TV preacher which usually puts me back to sleep. The words are so familiar from many sleepless nights that I can usually go back to sleep quickly.

My roommate wakes up at 5 and her dogs likes to bark through breakfast.  When I am normal sleeping I don't hear the dog. After the second waking I began to dream about boats and beaches.  It is sketchy now that the day has passed.

Oddly enough when I woke up I had some sort of bite on the left side of my face. I felt like I had gotten a shot of Novocaine. What a way to start the 8:30 shift. No one noticed but it didn't help my mood.

When I got to work I faced a pile of work and felt like it was too much. Maybe I was tired but my mind was against me telling me I am too old to work this hard and that I would never be able to catch up with my co-workers. By the afternoon I had cleared my desk and it was business as usual.

On my way to an appointment this afternoon I gave myself a pep talk.  This is all temporary the day, the job and even life it is my view of the moments passing that make the difference. Then I addressed the practical stuff. "You have only been there less than 6 months they have been there years and even decades. How can you expect to feel as confident as they do?"

I ended the day with a an impromptu dinner with friends and I am sure I will get some sleep tonight.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Escaping the Mind.

I watched a movie about 11 hikers that died after climbing to the peak of a mountain in the Himalayas. While they were at the top ice sheared their ropes off and they had to climb down not attached to the mountain.

I have often wondered what kind of person does this kind of thing. What makes someone spend a full year planning an expedition and literally months on the actual mountain acclimating at each base camp. This is why they took the risk they didn't want to wait any longer even when they knew it was really too late. It would be after dark when the started to descend and they all knew that it the risk would be greater.

Is this what it takes to make us feel really alive a big goal that involves a lot of danger. I couldn't do it. First I am not into physical suffering of any kind. I guess I prefer emotional suffering instead. Some of the climbers tried to explain that when climbing they felt a sense of purpose all their energy going towards each moment.

It sounded a lot like living in the moment even if it was a very cold moment. Engaged in what they were doing staying focused or risking death.

Life isn't that interesting most of the time. Some of us create elaborate inner worlds that need our constant attention and some of us hike to the top of mountains and face death. No matter what it is entertainment it is what the mind looking for something to do.

I know that my own mind is never satisfied. Even yesterday while I was sitting on the porch enjoying the perfect day immediately my mind started searching for trouble. First it started telling me I couldn't afford to take off and then it started pointing out all the work that needs to be done to the house.

I didn't take the bait but I could see how easy it would be to let my mind have it's way with me. I decide to get out of the house and do some ordinary stuff.

First I got my oil changed then I went to my favorite Middle Eastern lunch spot and had some falafel.  I bought a big bag of basmati rice and replenished my dwindling supply of curry powder. I headed for the the grocery store but not before stopping at Wendy's for a frosty. I am learning to like ordinary.

I enjoyed my ordinary day and didn't let my mind spoil it for me.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Is this a cartoon or is this real?

Something happen today at work two men that work there got into a screaming match on the sales floor and one chased the other into the warehouse and allegedly a fight took place and punches were thrown.

The sales people retreated to my office. I said "I feel like we are working in a cartoon".  The emotions there are so exaggerated they seem unreal to me. I feel like I am watching from a distance.

Luckily there were no customers there during this time. Is this weird or is it just me. I think if I had been in the front of the building when this started I would have said something to them.

The sales people are pretty autonomous and stay under the radar for the most part. I can't help but wonder how I ended up there and for how long. All I know is that I am where I am and I am enjoying the ride cartoon characters and all.