I had a lot of time on my own this holiday I didn't feel like forcing my plans on the universe and decided to just let life it's natural course. This decision left me empty and a little panicked that my life has become so small. This is just my mind working against me. I decided to try to just relax and accept things the way they are instead of wishing them to magically be different.
When the anxiety of being alone comes to the surface the first thing I want to do is blame myself. I blame where I am on all the bad decisions I have made. Choosing the wrong people to love or picking the road less traveled spiritually and alienating myself from my family.
If only I had done things differently my life would have ended up like one of those holiday TV movies. This thought is about about control I tried that route when I was younger. I was still abandoned by the people that were suppose to love me. At that point with the help of the program I decided to let go and just go where ever life took me. I was happier by far but in the end I was left again. At that point I decided there was something wrong with me. Another lie I told myself.
This is just life and you just have to deal with it. I feel I am ready to enjoy life again and feel another shift happening. With work being slow right now I decided to clean out my office after five years. It was so busy when I started and I have had my head down learning. Where does the time go?
I cleared out all those old files some where I had invested so much time and paperwork in people that never came to anything. This is a little disheartening but I am seasoned now and have a different process for handling customers and purging my files. Ironically the first person I waited on yesterday I had been to their house two years ago and now they are ready. I still had that file. Funny.
Doing nothing is really scary but it can bring on an awakening. Getting past the doer in me is hard with the list of things that I want to do along with with the things that need to be done. I felt frozen even after lecturing myself daily about all the valuable time I was wasting. I did do a few things like baking cookies for the office and on Christmas day going to a friends open house and then to an Al-Anon meeting. It was my home group location and it felt good.
The meeting was on the 12th step and it did give me an opportunity to see just how many awakenings I have had over the years. Some in your face awakenings and some revealed slowly over time. Awakenings require you to step back from your situation sometime willingly and other time by force it seems we have no choice.
Today I am feeling good. Just writing this has made me trust the awkward space between me and myself. It is sometimes ugly being me and I have hurt myself and other people trying to figure things out. It was never intentional or personal just like the people that hurt me. We are just trying to make it through life the best we can even if it isn't always good enough. It is what we have at the moment.
I can see I needed this empty time to evaluate where I have been and where I want to go and make choices in that direction. I don't micro manage my life anymore and I don't let my life run me either so I have come to middle and I can make decision today to my life a little better.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Saturday, December 22, 2018
I am too much. - Feeling and Food
It scares me when I have too much free time. I have worked hard to try to un-clutter my life and do things that feel authentic to me instead of running scared and filling each moment with something. When I was grieving the loss of the life I thought I would have with the people I thought I would have it with I packed my life with any kind of distraction possible. Only when I stopped did the healing start.
Being on my own has given me the opportunity to really wallow in my aloneness to a point of narcissism some might say but it does have healing power. While writing about my childhood I was able to see why I get stuck. It triggered something pretty core to who I am. It has made me see that since the very beginning I have been too much or at least this is the impression I got somewhere early on. I was ADD and my parents were offered medication which they declined. Then my mother got a terminal diagnoses of cancer and I was still a hand full. In my writing I did stay out of the way as much as possible since I knew I was a problem. Spending hours and hours in our basement alone.
Yesterday I was fighting some version of depression. Not the deep down version I experienced years ago but the kind where you just don't have the desire to do anything in particular and since I have deliberately downsized my life I could go with it. It felt pretty awful and my negative inside person wanted to run and also point out how this was going to be what the rest of my life looked like so I better get use to it.
I have learned to trust these days and instead of listening too carefully to that voice I decided to get up make myself a healthy dinner that included steak and big salad. I then went back to my room and watched all the TV I wanted without guilt.
I chose a few different movies at random and was able to pick out phrases that I could relate to. In the movie "To The Bone" about younger people with eating disorders one character said "I don't see the point of life". I recognized this as depression a emotional thought that the brain holds on to that is get worse without food. When I was depressed I didn't eat and when I did it was crap. My thoughts were bad and they repeated over and over. In never linked the food to my feelings.
I thought about when I was stuck the kinds of paralyzing thoughts the kept me there for a long time. I couldn't see a solution to the problem. I didn't want to be where I was but I couldn't change that so I totally shut down. In the movie the doctor says "she has to choose to decide that things can be different." This is what happened to me one day while in a catatonic state sitting on my the floor of my porch a voice said to me. "You are doing this to yourself."
It was a turning point for me. I was choosing to listen to the voice that was telling me that my situation was my fault. I was left because there was something about me that was not lovable. I had proof because everyone that I thought loved and cared about me had left me. Being me was "too much".
This is my core belief about myself that keeps me isolated. I use to do everything for everybody to earn my keep. When I had my meltdown I stopped doing for others and everyone ran away. This only proved my point that I wasn't enough just as I am. Relationships built on what I brought to the table and when I didn't have anything to bring there were only a few left there.
My sister once told me during a Christmas visit to her house that my husband left me because I was too much. This was a few years ago and after that visit I slipped way back into depression.
I am happy today. You probably thought this was a sad post but after withdrawing yesterday I can see that my belief that I am too much has plagued me most of my life. It is the source of my pain. I might be too much sometis and just like everybody else. I can decide that I am who I am and way I was made.
I can accept myself as I am and not worry how you might feel about me. I always do my best even when it might not be good enough it is all I have. As far as my sister saying I was too much for my active alcoholic husband well he was definitely too much for me in the end. He could charm the world and come home to emotionally abuse me. That was too much.
My gift to you is this holiday is to decide to take care of yourself. See yourself as good enough to be taken care of physically as well as spiritually. Eat well and lay off the carbs and fat is good for you.
Being on my own has given me the opportunity to really wallow in my aloneness to a point of narcissism some might say but it does have healing power. While writing about my childhood I was able to see why I get stuck. It triggered something pretty core to who I am. It has made me see that since the very beginning I have been too much or at least this is the impression I got somewhere early on. I was ADD and my parents were offered medication which they declined. Then my mother got a terminal diagnoses of cancer and I was still a hand full. In my writing I did stay out of the way as much as possible since I knew I was a problem. Spending hours and hours in our basement alone.
Yesterday I was fighting some version of depression. Not the deep down version I experienced years ago but the kind where you just don't have the desire to do anything in particular and since I have deliberately downsized my life I could go with it. It felt pretty awful and my negative inside person wanted to run and also point out how this was going to be what the rest of my life looked like so I better get use to it.
I have learned to trust these days and instead of listening too carefully to that voice I decided to get up make myself a healthy dinner that included steak and big salad. I then went back to my room and watched all the TV I wanted without guilt.
I chose a few different movies at random and was able to pick out phrases that I could relate to. In the movie "To The Bone" about younger people with eating disorders one character said "I don't see the point of life". I recognized this as depression a emotional thought that the brain holds on to that is get worse without food. When I was depressed I didn't eat and when I did it was crap. My thoughts were bad and they repeated over and over. In never linked the food to my feelings.
I thought about when I was stuck the kinds of paralyzing thoughts the kept me there for a long time. I couldn't see a solution to the problem. I didn't want to be where I was but I couldn't change that so I totally shut down. In the movie the doctor says "she has to choose to decide that things can be different." This is what happened to me one day while in a catatonic state sitting on my the floor of my porch a voice said to me. "You are doing this to yourself."
It was a turning point for me. I was choosing to listen to the voice that was telling me that my situation was my fault. I was left because there was something about me that was not lovable. I had proof because everyone that I thought loved and cared about me had left me. Being me was "too much".
This is my core belief about myself that keeps me isolated. I use to do everything for everybody to earn my keep. When I had my meltdown I stopped doing for others and everyone ran away. This only proved my point that I wasn't enough just as I am. Relationships built on what I brought to the table and when I didn't have anything to bring there were only a few left there.
My sister once told me during a Christmas visit to her house that my husband left me because I was too much. This was a few years ago and after that visit I slipped way back into depression.
I am happy today. You probably thought this was a sad post but after withdrawing yesterday I can see that my belief that I am too much has plagued me most of my life. It is the source of my pain. I might be too much sometis and just like everybody else. I can decide that I am who I am and way I was made.
I can accept myself as I am and not worry how you might feel about me. I always do my best even when it might not be good enough it is all I have. As far as my sister saying I was too much for my active alcoholic husband well he was definitely too much for me in the end. He could charm the world and come home to emotionally abuse me. That was too much.
My gift to you is this holiday is to decide to take care of yourself. See yourself as good enough to be taken care of physically as well as spiritually. Eat well and lay off the carbs and fat is good for you.
Saturday, December 15, 2018
Accepting each other - family - So much alike
I spent a few hours on the phone with my sister last night. Our lives have ended up very different and now that we are older we are trying to narrow the gap between us. We have the same genes but had very different life circumstances.
She wanted to never make waves and I was born making them. At first I wanted to be like her but when realized it would never happen I was free to do what I wanted. I remember even now one time coloring together she stayed perfectly in the lines and how beautiful her page looked. My page was terrible my hand always slipped and there was the crayon outside the line. Once that happened my interest in coloring for the moment died and I left the page half done.
I really didn't understand that she was four years older and that her motor skills were ten times what mine were or that she had four more years of practice than I did. I yearned to be just like her because my parents really loved her. I knew this because they constantly said wonderful things about her. She was always respectful to them, she kept her room spotless, she had straight A's and practiced her piano lessons for two hours a day. She was perfect.
I am not saying they didn't love me because they did. The fact that they loved me despite my constant questioning of their authority, messy room, a report card that was celebrated with some "B's" mixed in with "Cs" and the fact that I refused to practice the piano. I never understood why girls were expected to play the piano. Even with that I was still loved not praised but loved anyway.
My sister now says my mother wanted to be a concert pianist. I can see now why my sister pushed to become the perfect piano player my mother imagined her to be. Especially after my mom got sick. My sister was old enough to see that things were not going well while I was told not to worry and I didn't.
While she was being perfect I was exiled to the basement where I built cites out of cardboard with stores and restaurants. I also held art classes there for the neighborhood kids with art supplies stolen from school. I only charged a small fee for the class. I loved art and often won contest at school. My dream was to decorate the bulletin boards at school for the holidays but you had to have grades like my sister's to be chosen. Art wasn't considered a talent like piano in our house but it made me happy.
With our effort to get to know each other my sister and I have found that we are the same in a lot of ways. The death of our mother made us different from other kids we knew a bond we are only sharing now. Ironically who we were as kids reversed when we became adults. When my dad remarried I had to learn to keep quiet and do what I was told perfectly. This was what was needed to be loved in the new household.
My sister's desire to be perfect left her when my mother died. She stopped cleaning her room, playing the piano or even ironing her clothes. With those perfect grades she got scholarship and left for college the summer my father remarried. She stopped trying to fit in and blazed her own path ultimately becoming the youngest female lawyer in her state.
Today we are more comfortable in our own skins and don't worry too about what other people think. The work ethic that was instilled in us by both of our parents has made us successful in whatever we have done professionally. Emotionally we are still a little too self reliant living in that fortress we built so many years ago. Today we are trying to be a little freer and happier and accepting of each other.
She wanted to never make waves and I was born making them. At first I wanted to be like her but when realized it would never happen I was free to do what I wanted. I remember even now one time coloring together she stayed perfectly in the lines and how beautiful her page looked. My page was terrible my hand always slipped and there was the crayon outside the line. Once that happened my interest in coloring for the moment died and I left the page half done.
I really didn't understand that she was four years older and that her motor skills were ten times what mine were or that she had four more years of practice than I did. I yearned to be just like her because my parents really loved her. I knew this because they constantly said wonderful things about her. She was always respectful to them, she kept her room spotless, she had straight A's and practiced her piano lessons for two hours a day. She was perfect.
I am not saying they didn't love me because they did. The fact that they loved me despite my constant questioning of their authority, messy room, a report card that was celebrated with some "B's" mixed in with "Cs" and the fact that I refused to practice the piano. I never understood why girls were expected to play the piano. Even with that I was still loved not praised but loved anyway.
My sister now says my mother wanted to be a concert pianist. I can see now why my sister pushed to become the perfect piano player my mother imagined her to be. Especially after my mom got sick. My sister was old enough to see that things were not going well while I was told not to worry and I didn't.
While she was being perfect I was exiled to the basement where I built cites out of cardboard with stores and restaurants. I also held art classes there for the neighborhood kids with art supplies stolen from school. I only charged a small fee for the class. I loved art and often won contest at school. My dream was to decorate the bulletin boards at school for the holidays but you had to have grades like my sister's to be chosen. Art wasn't considered a talent like piano in our house but it made me happy.
With our effort to get to know each other my sister and I have found that we are the same in a lot of ways. The death of our mother made us different from other kids we knew a bond we are only sharing now. Ironically who we were as kids reversed when we became adults. When my dad remarried I had to learn to keep quiet and do what I was told perfectly. This was what was needed to be loved in the new household.
My sister's desire to be perfect left her when my mother died. She stopped cleaning her room, playing the piano or even ironing her clothes. With those perfect grades she got scholarship and left for college the summer my father remarried. She stopped trying to fit in and blazed her own path ultimately becoming the youngest female lawyer in her state.
Today we are more comfortable in our own skins and don't worry too about what other people think. The work ethic that was instilled in us by both of our parents has made us successful in whatever we have done professionally. Emotionally we are still a little too self reliant living in that fortress we built so many years ago. Today we are trying to be a little freer and happier and accepting of each other.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Empty spaces - Sugar - Keto - Addiction
I have had a lot of space in my life lately. I can't put my finger on why I feel this vast emptiness all around me. It doesn't exactly feel bad it just feels I have stepped back from my life to take a look. I feel strange and un-attached from even myself.
I use to think every feeling I had was emotional or spiritual but now I think is mostly physical. What I am eating or not eating in some cases. I have been on the Keto eating plan for about six weeks virtually no carbs - moderate protein and high fat. I can have sweets if I use Stevia the only sweetener that does not raise blood sugar. The premise behind this way of eating is to make body run on fat for fuel. Starting with consuming high fat and ultimately having your body switch to the fat you are carrying around.
Over the years I have cut out some life time habits. Here in the south we drink sweet tea from about the time we can drink from a cup. I realized more than ten years back that I was giving my body a steady flow of sugar all day everyday so I stopped. I was on Diet Coke when I was with my ex because that was our drug of choice. I remember coming home from a long day at work and sitting down with just me and a diet coke. Sweeteners used in diet drinks is also addictive so I quit.
I thought the Keto eating plan was something that I could do pretty easily. The weirdest thing about it for me is that with the fat you are just not that hungry. When you are running on sugar when you are over the initial buzz or for me sedation you feel hungry again. The other day I watched my co-worker who consistently gains and loses 20 pounds sneaking into the office office of another co-worker who keeps a big candy dish in her office. She does this when she is stressed. I did this with her a few years ago and ended getting the flu they both had. I solved that by buying my own candy. You can't just have a little it starts the craving again.
It is funny or maybe not it is just like any addiction. It starts with a physical craving then all the justifications on why you need it and how you can control it this time. Just a little this time. They say that sugar does to the brain and the liver the same thing that alcohol does. I guess this is why sober folks sometimes have the insatiable sweet tooth. A study of mice given cocaine were offered many other substance and stayed with the cocaine until they were offered sugar and then they switched.
My point to this post is that my brain is changing chemically with this diet. I have lost the actual warm and fuzzy thoughts I used to have around food. I piece of candy is not going to help me make it through boring chores at work and I don't drive home from work thinking about the bag of corn chips I have in my pantry anymore. It is really weird not to want those things.
So I have spaces in my life right now and it feels very strange to me. Yesterday I was uneasy with the space but didn't just fill with something. I did some things around the house but focused on being okay with the anxiousness that space sometimes gives you. I want my life choices to be deliberate and not just cause I need to kill some time.
I haven't been part of the regular world since my first marriage when I tried so hard to create the childhood I lost. When that ended I quit trying at all to make my life look like anything in particular. I could see all the stress of keeping up was mindless and empty in the end. None of what is out there will ever really satisfy us long term. Do what gives you joy with people that you love. Be okay with the empty spaces we know they never last for too long.
I use to think every feeling I had was emotional or spiritual but now I think is mostly physical. What I am eating or not eating in some cases. I have been on the Keto eating plan for about six weeks virtually no carbs - moderate protein and high fat. I can have sweets if I use Stevia the only sweetener that does not raise blood sugar. The premise behind this way of eating is to make body run on fat for fuel. Starting with consuming high fat and ultimately having your body switch to the fat you are carrying around.
Over the years I have cut out some life time habits. Here in the south we drink sweet tea from about the time we can drink from a cup. I realized more than ten years back that I was giving my body a steady flow of sugar all day everyday so I stopped. I was on Diet Coke when I was with my ex because that was our drug of choice. I remember coming home from a long day at work and sitting down with just me and a diet coke. Sweeteners used in diet drinks is also addictive so I quit.
I thought the Keto eating plan was something that I could do pretty easily. The weirdest thing about it for me is that with the fat you are just not that hungry. When you are running on sugar when you are over the initial buzz or for me sedation you feel hungry again. The other day I watched my co-worker who consistently gains and loses 20 pounds sneaking into the office office of another co-worker who keeps a big candy dish in her office. She does this when she is stressed. I did this with her a few years ago and ended getting the flu they both had. I solved that by buying my own candy. You can't just have a little it starts the craving again.
It is funny or maybe not it is just like any addiction. It starts with a physical craving then all the justifications on why you need it and how you can control it this time. Just a little this time. They say that sugar does to the brain and the liver the same thing that alcohol does. I guess this is why sober folks sometimes have the insatiable sweet tooth. A study of mice given cocaine were offered many other substance and stayed with the cocaine until they were offered sugar and then they switched.
My point to this post is that my brain is changing chemically with this diet. I have lost the actual warm and fuzzy thoughts I used to have around food. I piece of candy is not going to help me make it through boring chores at work and I don't drive home from work thinking about the bag of corn chips I have in my pantry anymore. It is really weird not to want those things.
So I have spaces in my life right now and it feels very strange to me. Yesterday I was uneasy with the space but didn't just fill with something. I did some things around the house but focused on being okay with the anxiousness that space sometimes gives you. I want my life choices to be deliberate and not just cause I need to kill some time.
I haven't been part of the regular world since my first marriage when I tried so hard to create the childhood I lost. When that ended I quit trying at all to make my life look like anything in particular. I could see all the stress of keeping up was mindless and empty in the end. None of what is out there will ever really satisfy us long term. Do what gives you joy with people that you love. Be okay with the empty spaces we know they never last for too long.
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