Monday, April 28, 2014

Denial - It is there when we need it

When I first came to the program there was a lot of things I didn't really know and I found there were a lot of things I didn't want to know.  I was living in denial and as the layers of my denial fell away I felt worse about the person I had been up the that time. How could I have deceived myself how could I have not seen how terrible wrong I had been about everything?

Denial for me over the years has become the enemy and seeing things as they are and not as I wish them to be a goal I strive for everyday. Today I realized that denial is really there to protect us until we are ready to see the truth about a situation that could possibly devastate us. We are not ready until we are ready.

We went to my friends house for dinner tonight. She cooked a leg of lamb for a belated Easter feast. She has done this so many times and we have enjoyed many incredible meals there.  My friend has Parkinson's and she is getting more and more fragile every day. She has been functioning independently pretty well but things are now starting to slip.

She like all us hard core Al-Anons she is as tough as nails and would never think of given in to the disease or even asking for help. This changed recently when she had an episode with the battery that stimulates her brain and keeps her from shaking. She accidentally turned one side off and her arm shook wildly until she realized what she had done. She has mentioned this every time I have seen her since and it seems like her own denial is being tested.

As I cleaned her kitchen tonight and I saw how rundown everything was in her house my own denial started breaking down.  While I was depressed these past years I was present in her life but I didn't really see her or acknowledge what was happening to her. I feel ashamed now of my own self absorption.

I know it is just life and I also know that if I could have done better I would have. We all live life today as if everything will always be the same when nothing stays the same. This is how we survive we stop looking at what we aren't ready to see and if we are never ready then it is forced on us. Something happens that we can't deny and we have to deal with. I think we are there in this situation.

I am a strong person and now that my confidence has returned I will be able to offer my support.  My friends and I are moving past denial and into acceptance and we will face whatever comes together.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Changes - Death and Love

My roommate is moving out at the end of the month.  I am not sure whether I wrote about this or not.  Her mother sold her house and they are renting a house together.  It is funny when she moved in they could hardly stand each other but she says they have both changed.

It is true she isn't the same person she is was eight months ago. She been working her program and seems more comfortable in her own skin and less angry. I am sure it won't be easy living with her mom day in and day out at least they will have a chance to iron out any final issues.

I haven't been overly friendly with her I have had my own issues to deal with.  With the new job I haven't been home much and when I was I needed to cocoon to recover. I have provided a nice home and tried to be a good roommate.

The timing seems right for me to have my house to myself again. My life is flowing and I am making plans and it feels really good. I will be open to another roommate when the right person comes along.

My best friend bought a house in my neighborhood and is moving in tomorrow. He did live across the street from another one of our friends that has Parkinson's. Her daughter who lives in California was pretty upset about him moving I guess she was depending on him to watch after her mother. She has decided she needs to move back here to look after her mom herself.

We are a little worried for our friend her daughter is a pretty big personality. When she visits our friend seems to disappear. Her daughter and her husband are both in recovery and have been four years clean and sober.  Since my friends house is vacant we are hoping to convince her to rent his house.  This way maybe our friend can keep some of her independence. Maybe this was all a part of a greater plan.

For me I am working way too many hours despite my resolution to take my life back. I haven't seen the light of day since I wrote that post. I am enjoying myself and as long as I get to my art class once a week I can keep up this pace for a while longer.  I do love what I do most of the time and for that I feel grateful.

This weekend a lot of world will be acknowledging Easter. I happy time for the kids and a time for reflection for us adults. Even if you aren't a believer I feel we can all relate in some way to the experience of death and resurrection.

In my own life I have experienced many losses that felt like deaths. Where the loss was so great I thought I would never feel alive again but in time I did heal. A resurrection of my own spirit each time.

I didn't willing experience the deaths in my own life like in the Easter story. To give ones life so selflessly is to rise above human limitations and show the world what real love looks like which I think is the point.


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Admitting there is a problem - Finding balance

I haven't had much spare time lately with work taking over my life which makes me happy but then wears me out. I have been pushing myself a little too hard which has resulted in me being a little under the weather.

I decided mid week that I have to take my life back from my new job. I think it is time to sets some limits even if the result is a financial penalty.  The problem with being on full commission besides the obvious is you are afraid to let anything or anyone go. Your mind tells you "what if you run out of of customers?"

This hasn't ever happened even during the recession there was a trickle but the mind loves to live in fear.  I think for me the worse part is that I really want to help ever customer I speak with but the reality is I can't. There isn't enough time and I am over committed and unfortunately the small jobs can sometimes  fall through the cracks. Then I feel really bad.

I am not alone in this my fellow sales people are dealing with the same thing. Some are better at juggling than others and some just work millions of hours. My juggling skills are rusty and I not sure I even want to juggle again and I am already living at work so what do I do?

My body is already alerting me that something is wrong. My weight rising which is resulting in the return of a few health issues from my distant past.

I will take care of myself right after I close the three deals I have on the table. How many times have I said this in my past? The difference is now I can see what I am doing and I can make a choice before too much time goes by. I can choose to be present and take care of myself.

Can I practice what I preach and let go? Can I choose a life of balance not knowing what the result will be and trust that I will be taken care even if I don't know how?

I am starting here first and admitting there is a problem and then I am letting go and we will see what happens.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Heading in the right direction

Tonights Model in Pastels
I had an easy day today I didn't have to be at work too early and left on time for my drawing class.  I was pretty tired today after my weekend Sunday and Monday.

After a weekend of laying flooring I felt pretty sore I am out of shape. With the new job I have been too busy and stressed to think about eating right or exercising.This crazy time reminds me of when I was working and going to school to get my design degree.

I have put on a few pounds but have decided to give myself a little time adjust to the changes I am going through before forcing myself into some unnatural regimen. The weight is the result of my life being unbalanced and treating the symptom won't help. In time I will find the balance.

Work is already getting easier for me. A friend said to me recently that if you let go your mind will come up with a natural rhythm for getting things done efficiently. I know that is true but I am impatient with my own progress.

On my best days, like today, I believe that most of the time life is flowing in the right direction am when I have the courage to take my paddle out of the water I can trust that I will arrive at my desired destination just in time. The ride won't always be smooth and sometimes it might be lonely but I can always trust that I am always headed in the right direction.