Sunday, September 20, 2015

Letting go - One box at a time

You know you are only ready when you are ready. I spent the the day going through boxes and getting rid of things.  It started this morning after I took a ride on my recently resurrected beach bike. I guess the exercise gave me the energy boost I needed to tackle a few other things.

I usually have to trick myself into tackling all day projects. I do this by committing to some small project and then letting it morph into something that takes all day and today it was no different. Today I decided to change the lock on the basement door.  I bought a new lock a few weeks ago after my key kept getting stuck. It was the last of the polished brass knobs left in the house.

I had to kill a fat spider living in the hole where the latch is received. After the death of the spider I quickly finished the installation and was admiring my work when I started looking around. Everything there was covered with dust and spider webs and smelled of mold.

I remembered having such dreams for the this house. I imagined all the great things that would happen here.  So many possibilities  I had dreams of sharing it with someone. I thought at least it would be filled with friends.  I couldn't know what was headed my way or that I would have to create another dream for myself.

Today I decided to clean up the basement. I went through most of the boxes that have been storage there since my roommate move in an then out. I haven't been able to get rid of anything from the past because I wasn't sure who I would become or if the person who liked those things would appear again some day and want her stuff.

I am getting the idea now that she is gone forever. She really did like crafts. Candle making, glass tile mosaics, printing and even a box of stencils with brushes and paints.

I also found boxes of dishes my aunt gave me. I was in my late 20's when she offered me the dishes with tiny pink roses on them.  The edges had are silver plated. They had some chips but I thought they were beautiful and since she was never too generous in life I was thrilled she would give them to me. It made me feel special.

I cherished all things that represented family to me.  I had lost mine and was looking to surround myself with anything that belonged to my family.  After my grandmother died I had a house full of her furniture including a piano.

Over the years I have let go of most of those things including the piano. I didn't realize I still had those dishes.  I thought "what girl would think those dishes were to be cherished?" I think girl is the operative word here.  I have been a girl most of my life looking for something I had lost.

At least now I know I am not a girl anymore. I also know now that none of these physical things can satisfy me. I am not interested in crafts anymore but I still interested in transformations of any kind.

I have transformed myself and my house many times.  I also make a living transforming the spaces of other people.  I feel pretty satisfied with my life today and feel good about letting go of the the girl I use to be one box at at time.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Smart TV - America Ninja Warriors

I have been enjoying my new Smart TV it isn't huge at 32" but bigger than my old 17" TV that I have been watching since I moved here.  I think the TV has made me a little smarter.  Because I can access YouTube through wifi I have been watching non-stop TedTalks.

It is inspiring to here other people inspired about something.  I haven't felt that way about anything in a long time. Some of the talks mostly the ones that last more than the allotted 18 minutes are a little self absorbed.  There was a reason for the time limit. The human attention span drops off in 18 minutes.

I have do have a TV secret pleasure American Ninja Warriors. I love it. I think I love it because it takes multiple skills and mental maturity to push through the obstacles. In seven seasons this is the first time someone has won the million dollars.  They had two finishers for the first time ever.

My Smart TV combined with my Tivo knows I loved this show and has captured every episode available since season one. Of course I have seen all the seasons and watching repeats doesn't interest me.

When I watch this show I think about how thrilling it must be. One of the winners said it was like the greatest playground equipment ever made for adults.

When I was a kid I wasn't too athletic but more like a dare devil. I did set up stunts in our basement with an old mattress and regularly had the wind knocked out of me. My friends were swore to secrecy.  I also had a pull up bar suspended in a door way. It was left there by my uncle. I used it to hang upside down until one day I was too heavy and it fell.

As a kid I became a little less brave after a few trips to the hospital. No broken bones just arms out of place and busted lips. Mostly these trips involved my second cousin and scared my mother. We ultimate stopped visiting with them. After these events my mother guarded me pretty closely and I became less adventurous.

After watching America Ninja Warrior I got the idea that I want to get stronger and try some different kinds of exercise. I surfed the web for mini trampolines last night. I already have a pull up bar in my garage and a jump rope. I could create a little circuit training here in the house.

I have always been a physical person doing any kind of chore imaginable. Climbing on the roof to knocking down walls. The past few years have made me feel old and tired. I think it is mostly in my head so maybe being inspired by American Ninja Warrior was what I needed to get me going.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Just like riding a bike

I have made it through another week a good week with some successes at work and a few personal accomplishments on the side. Things I have putting off forever and feeling guilty about.

I am attributing my uplifted mood to the lack of rain for the past three days. I have to admit I am just better when I can see the sun at least once a week. I am not sure how people live in areas where it rains a lot.  I already live about as south as I can and still it isn't sunny enough for me sometimes.

Closing a few jobs this week has taken the pressure off of me for at least the weekend which includes today.  My plan for today is to take my old neglected bike to the bike shop to get the tires rotten tires replaced. I haven't touched it since I move here seven years ago.

When I am grieving I divorce the person as well as anything associated with what use to be my life. It is too painful to think about what will never be again. I miss the years that I felt I belonged and thought I knew where I was going and who I was going with. Obviously it was story I created in my own mind for my benefit so I could and did feel safe for many years.

It didn't matter that I felt trapped or unhappy a lot of the time.  It didn't matter that I lived with someone who hid there emotions even to the end when it was over and I was shut down every time I wanted to talk about it. Buried just like every other problem we had together.

In the beginning it felt good being the opposite of the highly charged alcoholic relationship I was use to and I enjoyed not having to manage the emotions of someone else. But after awhile it was like living alone.  Then I began to do a little digging to see if I could resurrect a little bit of emotion this only back fired and I received anger and tears. I let the idea go and practiced acceptance.

I picked that. It was right for me at the time it was the easy way out to be with someone that would basically not challenge me in any way. I chose a mirror of myself shut down and not interested in anything that might bring my own past to the surface.  They were very productive years on the surface I moved, got a degree and changed professions. From the outside all was well.

I guess that is why when it was over I had a lot of catching up to do emotionally and spiritually. It is in my DNA to live a life of spiritual depth. Mostly on my mother's side where life was about God and everyday living interrupted the time we spent with God.

I have unlearned a lot these past seven years.  I have started to accept the pattern I have of resistance together with despair rolling into letting go and acceptance.  When I am down I think "this is all there is" when I am up it sounds more like "this is enough."

So I am getting back on my bike. I have moved past the association of my past with riding a bike. I am no longer rejecting the person I was or the life I use to have.  I threw out everything about me the good and the bad and have been living with a blank slate. Now I am finding the things about me that I still like and that give me pleasure.

Acceptance of myself and the past and acceptance of today just as I am is the key to finding the love and freedom that my heart is looking for. .

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Birthday - Doing my best

Today is my birthday and I am off so of course this leads me to extra reflection. I am asking myself am I happy is this where I want to be?  I was looking forward to my birthday probably for the first time in a long time.

The recent years past I have be sad or at best indifferent to them. This year I felt a little more interested in the celebrating of me until I got a letter attached to an email at work. A customer sent me a five page letter outlining all the things she didn't like about me.

I could go into a long explanation but at this point at this place it doesn't really matter.  We didn't actually even do the job so all this was based on her pre-sale opinion. I didn't take it personally but it has made second guess myself so maybe I did take it a little personal.  I haven't decided whether I will respond or not.

When I met them I thought how they reminded me of customers from my previous job. The kind that needed a lot of one on one attention which in the past I was able to provide. We charged more and had fewer jobs but here the volume is high and I am working 60 hours a week just to keep up.

I didn't think we were a good fit but I decided to just do my best and roll with it. I never know what to do when this happens.

Anyway this has put a damper on my birthday. I am telling myself I should have taken better care of them met their every need. She had been planning this bathroom for 12 years and her expectations were high. Living in the her story.

I know I can't control the thoughts or feelings of others but it still hurts. I will look at my own part in this and do better next time.  I always do my best even if it isn't always good enough for everyone.

Today I am meeting my friends at some one's house and we are making dinner followed by chocolate cake and coconut ice cream.  What more could you ask for?