Thursday, April 17, 2014

Changes - Death and Love

My roommate is moving out at the end of the month.  I am not sure whether I wrote about this or not.  Her mother sold her house and they are renting a house together.  It is funny when she moved in they could hardly stand each other but she says they have both changed.

It is true she isn't the same person she is was eight months ago. She been working her program and seems more comfortable in her own skin and less angry. I am sure it won't be easy living with her mom day in and day out at least they will have a chance to iron out any final issues.

I haven't been overly friendly with her I have had my own issues to deal with.  With the new job I haven't been home much and when I was I needed to cocoon to recover. I have provided a nice home and tried to be a good roommate.

The timing seems right for me to have my house to myself again. My life is flowing and I am making plans and it feels really good. I will be open to another roommate when the right person comes along.

My best friend bought a house in my neighborhood and is moving in tomorrow. He did live across the street from another one of our friends that has Parkinson's. Her daughter who lives in California was pretty upset about him moving I guess she was depending on him to watch after her mother. She has decided she needs to move back here to look after her mom herself.

We are a little worried for our friend her daughter is a pretty big personality. When she visits our friend seems to disappear. Her daughter and her husband are both in recovery and have been four years clean and sober.  Since my friends house is vacant we are hoping to convince her to rent his house.  This way maybe our friend can keep some of her independence. Maybe this was all a part of a greater plan.

For me I am working way too many hours despite my resolution to take my life back. I haven't seen the light of day since I wrote that post. I am enjoying myself and as long as I get to my art class once a week I can keep up this pace for a while longer.  I do love what I do most of the time and for that I feel grateful.

This weekend a lot of world will be acknowledging Easter. I happy time for the kids and a time for reflection for us adults. Even if you aren't a believer I feel we can all relate in some way to the experience of death and resurrection.

In my own life I have experienced many losses that felt like deaths. Where the loss was so great I thought I would never feel alive again but in time I did heal. A resurrection of my own spirit each time.

I didn't willing experience the deaths in my own life like in the Easter story. To give ones life so selflessly is to rise above human limitations and show the world what real love looks like which I think is the point.


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Admitting there is a problem - Finding balance

I haven't had much spare time lately with work taking over my life which makes me happy but then wears me out. I have been pushing myself a little too hard which has resulted in me being a little under the weather.

I decided mid week that I have to take my life back from my new job. I think it is time to sets some limits even if the result is a financial penalty.  The problem with being on full commission besides the obvious is you are afraid to let anything or anyone go. Your mind tells you "what if you run out of of customers?"

This hasn't ever happened even during the recession there was a trickle but the mind loves to live in fear.  I think for me the worse part is that I really want to help ever customer I speak with but the reality is I can't. There isn't enough time and I am over committed and unfortunately the small jobs can sometimes  fall through the cracks. Then I feel really bad.

I am not alone in this my fellow sales people are dealing with the same thing. Some are better at juggling than others and some just work millions of hours. My juggling skills are rusty and I not sure I even want to juggle again and I am already living at work so what do I do?

My body is already alerting me that something is wrong. My weight rising which is resulting in the return of a few health issues from my distant past.

I will take care of myself right after I close the three deals I have on the table. How many times have I said this in my past? The difference is now I can see what I am doing and I can make a choice before too much time goes by. I can choose to be present and take care of myself.

Can I practice what I preach and let go? Can I choose a life of balance not knowing what the result will be and trust that I will be taken care even if I don't know how?

I am starting here first and admitting there is a problem and then I am letting go and we will see what happens.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Heading in the right direction

Tonights Model in Pastels
I had an easy day today I didn't have to be at work too early and left on time for my drawing class.  I was pretty tired today after my weekend Sunday and Monday.

After a weekend of laying flooring I felt pretty sore I am out of shape. With the new job I have been too busy and stressed to think about eating right or exercising.This crazy time reminds me of when I was working and going to school to get my design degree.

I have put on a few pounds but have decided to give myself a little time adjust to the changes I am going through before forcing myself into some unnatural regimen. The weight is the result of my life being unbalanced and treating the symptom won't help. In time I will find the balance.

Work is already getting easier for me. A friend said to me recently that if you let go your mind will come up with a natural rhythm for getting things done efficiently. I know that is true but I am impatient with my own progress.

On my best days, like today, I believe that most of the time life is flowing in the right direction am when I have the courage to take my paddle out of the water I can trust that I will arrive at my desired destination just in time. The ride won't always be smooth and sometimes it might be lonely but I can always trust that I am always headed in the right direction.

Monday, March 24, 2014

A New Table Saw - Rejecting the past

So I bought a new table saw today.  I used to have one in my old life but had to leave it behind along with the relationship.  I use to be quite handy and worked part time as a handy person while getting my design degree.

I left a lot of things behind with that relationship including my self confidence. Today I was driving down the road thinking about how I am making my way back to the person I was more than six years ago. The gratitude of this brought tears to my eyes.

I read once that it should take one month for every year you were in the relationship to get over it. It was a 13 year relationship so unless we are using dog years in reverse I am not normal. I am so grateful to just be interested in life again it doesn't really matter to me now.  

I could blame it on my family maybe a bad grieving gene passed down certainly it would be from my mother's side of the family.  I remember my Grandmother crying for literally years after my mother died. Grief over the death of her youngest child is normal but I think it was more than that it was the death of the dream of how her own life would be that was so devastating. My mothers death changed all our lives.

This last break up for me felt like one day I was basking in the comfort of knowing how my life was going to turn out and boom  it ends and my mind, body and soul was forced into the unknown. The stability I dreamed I had started spiraling out of control and the idea that nothing would ever feel the same again was more than I could take.  I resisted reality with every part of myself and when that didn't work I had a breakdown.

We love the people that leave us in death or through the front door but we do stop missing the real person. We paint a rosy picture of them and forget that they left dirty socks on the floor or said hurtful things.  We keep the idea of them alive with a dream of how our lives would be perfect if they were here now.

This is just our way of staying right where we are until we can accept that they are not coming back and we have to create a new dream for ourselves. We have to get past blaming them for leaving us or for not loving us and we have to get past blaming ourselves for not being enough. It takes as long as it takes.

It isn't true that I am returning to the person I was before that person doesn't exist anymore. I am returning to a secure emotional life based on love and respect for myself instead of leaving that in someone else is hands.

I bought a table saw today so I can help my friend install his laminate floor. This shows me that I am no longer rejecting the part of me that I associate with the past. I can see that I have healed the deepest part of me and I am ready to create a new dream for my life.  

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Grace - Something greater than myself

I spent the day working in the yard.  It was really beautiful here and a nice day to get out and get moving.  I cleaned the leaves off the roof and cleaned the gutters. Even though I have have been in the this house six years now it feels like it is new to me.

Sometimes I feel really guilty about the time I was lost in depression. What I have ahead of me is pretty daunting where my house is concerned. It reminds me of when I lived with alcoholism.

When my husband left the house was full of stuff. Years of two really sick people living together. Every room was packed and we even had two broken down cars in the garage.  He walked away and I retreated to my bed. It was too much for me losing him what would I do I couldn't take a breath without him. He was my saviour.

When I crawled out from under that rock and attended my first meeting I began to change. I began to start to take care of myself.  My life stopped revolving around someone else and there wants and needs. I started making decision that were what I needed and from my heart.

It was really scary to be on my own again.  I wasn't making enough money to pay the mortgage let alone the rest of the expenses that went with owning a house.  The program gave me the courage to move forward. It taught me how to believe in the grace of God in my life and there was a lot of grace.

I got two promotions and in one year that doubled my salary. Totally against company policy to get two promotions in one year but somehow it happened to me.

Before the promotions I needed to sell those cars and didn't even have the money for an ad in the paper. One had four flat tires.  I used my bicycle tire pump and pumped those tires up, popped the clutch into neutral and rolled it out into the drive way.  I put a for sale sign on it and the next day someone knocked on the door and offered me 2,000 in cash. The other I sold back to my ex after he totaled his car.

I believed and it worked.  I believed that God was taking care of me. It was just me and him until I met someone and then I shifted some of that faith on to my new love. Little by little I made a life that depended on the people and things around me instead of the grace I had found.

It is good to love and be loved but there must be more a deeper since of trust in yourself and trust in something greater than yourself spiritually. To know yourself to the core to face the secrets you have kept even from yourself. To lay it all out there and accept and love yourself regardless of what you see.

My journey has led me to some pretty awful places but I have no regrets because it has brought me full circle back to myself.  The person I was before I learned life the wrong way. I have found true grace.

Friday, March 14, 2014

I really do like the Blues

I worked from home today for the first time since I started my new job.  If feels weird to me I haven't worked at home since I moved to this house; When I lived with my ex I regularly worked at home and enjoyed getting a break from the office.

For some reason this house doesn't feel a part of me yet. Even though I have been here 6 years now. I think maybe because I was missing five out of the six years. I rejected my new home and my circumstances it all felt wrong like I didn't belong here or anywhere for that matter. So I left emotionally.

This is a great house and now that I am back maybe I can make in mine in my heart. The life I thought I was going to have ended abruptly and it was too much. But at some point you have to move on like it or not.

Tonight I was thinking about how complicated relationships can be after I watched an episode of Parenthood.  A once stable couple on the show is separated. He decided to move out and it seems like divorce is inevitable. She ask him why he isn't fighting for them she says "the person I knew would fight for us."

I said to my husband when he decided to leave. I guess sometimes it is too late to fight or your just too tired. Sometimes there is the dream of something different or someone different that makes people give up.

Today while I was working I was listening to the blues classics and it reminded me of when we were together. We use to go to the Blues festivals and concerts together. I wasn't sure if he really liked the Blues or whether the festivals were an excuse to drink for days. Sitting in the sun with a bunch of drinkers ruined these times for me.

I divorced the Blues when I divorced him but today I realized that I really do like the Blues. Back then my life revolved around him and it was hard for me to know where he ended and I began. I am glad to find the Blues again after 20 years.

It is back to the office tomorrow where I will have no time for thinking or for the Blues.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Sleepless night and barking dogs

I had a night of interrupted sleep at about 4 am I just woke up for no apparent reason.  I turned on my favorite TV preacher which usually puts me back to sleep. The words are so familiar from many sleepless nights that I can usually go back to sleep quickly.

My roommate wakes up at 5 and her dogs likes to bark through breakfast.  When I am normal sleeping I don't hear the dog. After the second waking I began to dream about boats and beaches.  It is sketchy now that the day has passed.

Oddly enough when I woke up I had some sort of bite on the left side of my face. I felt like I had gotten a shot of Novocaine. What a way to start the 8:30 shift. No one noticed but it didn't help my mood.

When I got to work I faced a pile of work and felt like it was too much. Maybe I was tired but my mind was against me telling me I am too old to work this hard and that I would never be able to catch up with my co-workers. By the afternoon I had cleared my desk and it was business as usual.

On my way to an appointment this afternoon I gave myself a pep talk.  This is all temporary the day, the job and even life it is my view of the moments passing that make the difference. Then I addressed the practical stuff. "You have only been there less than 6 months they have been there years and even decades. How can you expect to feel as confident as they do?"

I ended the day with a an impromptu dinner with friends and I am sure I will get some sleep tonight.