Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Resistance - Letting go

I haven't felt I anything much to write about these days.  I have been plugged back into the matrix and just enjoying the normal things life has to offer.  Work has been exceptionally busy but it doesn't seem like a burden to me like it has in the past.

I am happy that I have found my center once again.  It is true that it has taken me a long time to stop resisting this new life that I have been given.  The world seems to offer us two choices either to sit back and relax and let life just flow or to decide what you want and set out to make those dreams come true. The second seems like a lot of work to me.

If you believe in a power greater than yourself then there is nothing to do but enjoy what is right in front of you.  If you feel this life is it you better get busy.

I have come to the conclusion that life is about finding something to do each day that brings you joy or at least entertains you. I have found that thinking that a particular destination will bring you happiness never really works out.  You might have a short time of satisfaction until the mind gets restless again it is never going to be satisfied for very long.

I  have to decide how I want to feel today and what I need to do to make that happen. I am at my best when I stop resisting what I perceive to be unpleasant and just go with the flow.  In the end how much will any of this really matter.

Just for today I will do my best to let go and focus on what is right about my life and not get distracted by what I think isn't working.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Growing - A Flower Bed

I am not sure what I will write about tonight I am spent for the week with one day left to go.  I guess I can tell you that I have found a little project to get excited about I am planting a big flower bed in my front yard.  The grass is half dead and the price was too steep for me to plant new grass.  For a third of the cost I am going to have a spectacular show of something.

I am waking up just like mother nature I can feel it.   I am starting to live life not just tolerate it.  It feels really weird to just do normal things like work and complain about my co-workers just like everyone else does.  I can then come home at the end of the day and put my feet up.  I can even plant a flower bed in my front yard.

Your not really sure just how crazy you are until your not anymore.  That is how it has worked for me. I wasn't making it at all and then barely getting through and then a leveling off occurred that turned into tolerance.  I was tolerating life and feeling guilty the whole time.  I felt like life was wasted on me but I just kept going. Who feels like that? Your suppose to have a zest for life.

I haven't quite made it to zest yet and I hope that who ever is in charge isn't planning to take me out soon because of my lack of enthusiasm for this world I guess I will have to wait and see.

I am just happy to get further and further away from where I was and if it takes a flower bed to inspire me then I am happy to do some digging for real instead of emotionally or spiritually.

I am waking up and missing my old life when I had someone to come home to and a family even if it wasn't really mine. I was good a loving and nurturing and making the world run smoothly for other people but without an audience my talents seem to have faded away. Can I do this for just me?


I feel well today and ready to begin again.  Today it doesn't matter that I am alone I feel good and ready to start planting something new.  Maybe I can make my life into some kind of flower bed.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Dreams - The body - Peace

I slept too long this morning.  I was lost in the dream world and it seemed so interesting I wanted to stay so I did.  The dream had to do with renovating a very old house for some customers the house definitely had some potential but what we were doing felt like a band aid. I decided to exit the dream because I looked down at my bare feet and there was a spider biting my toe.

I wonder about dreams are they some other world that maybe after we die we return there permanently. Maybe they are just clusters of a the parts of our mind that aren't very neat and organized. All our interest and worries jumbled together and we have to be there in person to deal with them.

I have been a little annoyed since I came back to work after taking a week off. I got a taste of what it might be like to take care of some of my own personal priorities.  Maybe that is what the dream was about the biting of the spider a painful wake up call for me bring my focus back to me and maybe even my body.

I have spent a lot of my time dealing with my mind and my emotions.  I finally feel that I have found the answers that will allow me to be free of the need to continue trying to fix myself spiritually. During that process my body was never a priority.  It just followed my mind around without much complaining.

So I have decided to go to a more plant based diet no extremes just more plants.  This past month I have been just eating when I am hungry and mostly just one bigger healthier meal a day.  This has satisfied me and I have lost a few pounds and took the focus off food.  I now think I am ready to go one step further and start focusing on preparing more meals at home and eliminating meat from my diet.

In my past I identified myself as a good cook I spent years in the kitchen preparing tasty meals to show my love. When that piece of my life ended I lost that part of me along with many other labels I had given myself. I didn't cook for others anymore and if I did cook the joy wasn't there for me. I just cooked to get by the passion was gone.

While on my healing journey and have reached a place of peace. I no longer feel that I am broken and need to be fixed.  I know I have been looking for someone to love and cherish me but really I needed to love and cherish myself first. I can do that now and stop looking for the external world to show me I am worthy of love.

What does this have to do with diet and food.  I guess it is just me listening to my inner self telling me it is time to start nourishing my body and giving myself the love I so freely gave to others with my cooking. A slow migration towards taking care of myself physically as well as spiritually.

Over the years I have given up things like Diet Coke which I craved. I woke up one morning and was done. Then I gave up sugar in my coffee and then coffee. None of this felt like deprivation I knew in my heart that I was using these things as crutches or little rituals that helped me escape from a life that scared me.

It feels good now to just trust the process and not pressure myself into big changes. My inner spirit will take me where I need to go if I will just stop long enough to listen. That is what time off did for me it gave me a chance to listen.

This is an appropriate theme for Easter a time of year for awakenings. I have given up who I thought I was for a more whole less needy person.  This came with a lot of suffering and has brought me to a place of forgiveness for myself.  I was never enough for me I can see that now and therefore never enough for anyone else. My journey I can see now has been truly a miracle.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Inspired by a chair - stay cation

I was inspired to take the week off.  The timing was as good as it might ever be even if I ended up working an extra day on Sunday to accomplish my escape.

It is a stay cation that is what we call it at work. It seems boring for those that look for the excitement of packing your bags and running around some new place. Eating exotic food and being exhausted for a week and then going back to work to recover.  I have done that many times in my life and that isn't what I need right now.

I live in a beautiful place where the weather is nice most of the time so why not stay home.

This week I wanted to just get up and see what the day might bring.  On Sunday before heading to work I painted the back door.  This was completely spontaneous I was just sitting out there drinking my cup of tea when I thought "I can do that".  I had the paint from the front door and an hour later it was done.

Monday I cleaned the porch I had to the door looked so good it made everything look so bad. After that I went through some boxes from the basement and found a bag of parts that came from my grandmothers house I felt inspired to do a pen and marker drawing of the collection.

Yesterday I had an appointment to get blood work done.  Just a routine test but apparently it had to be done before 9am which I wasn't prepared to do on my week off so I had to reschedule.  After that I met my friend from work and we went to a a hard to get into restaurant by 11am the line was out the door. The food was great and we split dessert.

We then went to a consignment shop where I found a really cool industrial adjustable office chair which I am sitting in right now.  It was marked down so cheap I couldn't resist.  I can always get a deal on modern items because nobody in this town is interested in this style.

I feel inspired just looking at it.  I know if sounds crazy but I love anything that you can tell someone really spent time thinking about the function as well as the design of a piece.  Everything you touch every day was designed by someone or it is naturally created. We would have nothing without designers.  We would be still sitting on the ground or sitting on stumps ( someone even had to think that up).

I think the week so far has been successful in helping me to be inspired. I have had a few moments of fear where my mind started up about being alone with no one to spend my vacation with but those moments passed and I found something else to do.

I think it is healthy to just create a space to let things bubble up even if your thoughts are full of doubt and fear. I know I need more than just weekend to face those thoughts and get past them to a healthier perspective.  If I can trust this process and not run off looking for the next distraction I can find the person I always been beneath the fear.  Before life forced me to become a survivor just getting by.

I have been a designer from the moment I discovered that I could change the way I felt by changing my space I was off and running. I am lucky that I had the courage and felt safe enough to abandon my previous career to work in a profession where I have always belonged.

I am glad I took the week of and I think it has helped me to see that I have gotten a lot of things right in my life. Even if I feel alone and sometimes lonely for the most part things are good even if I can't always see that.

Today's happiness inspired by a chair.


Friday, March 4, 2016

Stubborness - Control - desire

I am making an effort to take care of myself this week.  First by going to the dentist and then visiting my counselor for a little check up after last months surge of emotions. In Al-Anon's Blueprint for progress this is some of the questions it ask you. When the last time you have been to the dentist? When is the last time you had physical?  Reading these questions I thought they were ridiculous.

At the time I hadn't really done either I was losing everything and just surviving.  This wasn't unusual for me I thought life was like that.  I thought survival was all you could hope for and the best you could do was brace yourself for the next trauma. Control every minute of every day to prevent something from ruining your life and making sure everything you loved was safe.

This was an exhausting way to live.  When things were going well I attributed it to all my great planning and maintenance but when it wasn't I blamed myself for dropping the ball.  I have spent a lot of my life retracing my steps to see what errors I might of made.  Even last month these kind of thoughts were the cause of my hurting.

Blaming myself for things not going the way I wanted them to somehow feeling like there is something about me that isn't enough. What doesn't work about this thought is it doesn't factor in that I haven't been alone in my relationships.  I can't control the ones I have loved by being so perfect that they would never leave me. People are working with there own inner dialogue and are the center of their own universe and decision are made that hurt other people.

I have made some of those decisions myself.  Unfortunately for me it was only when I was forced when the pain was so great I had to jump ship. I stayed too long every time because I couldn't choose what was best for myself and I didn't want to hurt anyone. I sat by the sidelines hoping things would magically work themselves out.

The other part of this is that I have always been a fighter.  My stubbornness got me through the worst times in my life.  I would dig in and wait out the storm and it worked. Back then I didn't have a choice to leave I wasn't an adult. Stubbornness a trait that served me as a child left me lingering in bad situations as an adult. It never occurred to me that I could make a decision for my own happiness.

It is still hard even today to not somehow blame myself for not trying hard enough or being good enough to be loved by the people of my past.  The difference is today I am no longer lost in these kinds of thoughts too long and I know that it isn't true and thinking this way hurts me.

I can see that my thinking and my desire to control the uncontrollable keeps me stuck. I am trying to solve the past in hopes of having things turn out differently.

I don't know why people do what they do and maybe some of it has to do with me but not all of it. Relationships and situations are always about timing and where everyone is at any given time. Everything can flow smoothly for a long time until someone or something changes and then a shift occurs,

My counselor said that my true desires are surfacing.  They have been put on the back burner simmering waiting for me to acknowledge that I have them. That because nothing else is demanding my attention and I am feeling settled that they are calling for my attention.  I am at a place of action instead of reaction.

This is totally true I am on the hunt for something or someone that inspires me.  I am ready to let go of the thoughts that have held me back and find something more inspiring to do with my life.

Can I really break this pattern of blame and regret? The rehashing of the past has been a constant companion a source of distraction from the boredom of ordinary life.  Maybe I need that wasted energy to focus on making life a little less ordinary and find some inspiration.

I think I am ready to move on once again.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Bragging - Criticism

Ending another long six day work week exhausting but productive.  Every time I think I can work on balancing my life a little better a wave of work crashes over my head.  I think I topped a new record for myself this week in work hours ending yesterday with a 12 hour day.

I am not complaining okay maybe just a little but as long as I can remember I have always liked working. Only a few times when the job was boring or didn't suit my personal temperament did I absolutely hate going to work.  I can think of two jobs that fell into this category and luckily neither lasted too long.

The first was a bookkeeping job at a water bed store in the early 80's.  I got the job through a temp agency it was just me and the owner an ambidextrous guy who could use two adding machines at the same time.  I am fine with numbers I just don't love working with them and within a day we mutually decided this was not the job for me. A dark little office in the back with literally one light bulb hanging from the ceiling with the two of us crowded in there together.  I still pass by that location sometimes it has been a number of things over the years and today they are selling golf carts. 

The second job was a receptionist job where most of the clients calling were from China, Japan or Korea and I could never translate what they were saying or even pronounce their names.  I did my best and ask for the spelling but even then I could understand the letters they were saying. All this while the phones were ringing off the hook.  I was relieved when I was fired.  

I has always easier for me to admit that I wasn't good at something. A bit harder to was to acknowledge my talents. I was taught that bragging on yourself was impolite and that you needed to wait until someone else pointed out your special gifts. In my family that never really happened it was always about reaching the next level. They were quick with the constructive criticism helping you to do more be more. 

So most of my life has been spent waiting for someone to appreciate me and what I bring to the table. I have been appreciated both at work and in my personal relationships but I depended on it to keep up my confidence. As we all know the praise of others is short lived and when it was gone I was devastated.  In my immaturity I thought that it was my fault and that if I improved myself the next job or relationship would last.  I  would work to improve myself and then find the next person that appreciated me.  

I am just now learning to appreciate myself and not let how I feel about myself be determined by what others think about me. I have always done my best even if sometimes it wasn't good enough. I can admit my part but I can no longer accept full responsibility. I have hurt others just as I have been hurt and for that I am sorry. 

I guess the point of this post is to know yourself and appreciate your worth.  Also know that relationship are like jobs some are short term and some could turn into careers. Know who you are and what works for you and if it doesn't last then move on and don't blame yourself.  

This has been a month of grieving and soul searching and I feel I am ready to appreciate myself and start feeling like I deserve a fuller happier life. I am grateful I have the ability to see the things within myself that causes me suffer and do something about. 

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Rich full life - Mustard seed

I watch a lot of inspirational or motivational speakers who all insist that you must have a plan a list of things you want to achieve or own in order to have a rich full life. I really buy into this kind stuff even though I have never actually had a life plan it always seemed to me that life had a plan for me.

I think my childhood up bringing where with the faith of a mustard seed anything is possible attracts me to this kind of soap box rhetoric.  Putting the onus on me to make my dreams come true and if they don't then I am not doing something right.  This coupled with my analytical mind puts me in a loop of dissatisfaction blaming myself for my lack of success in some areas.

If you heap the fact that at 11 belief and prayer did not keep my mother from dying of cancer complicated this belief in the almighty and set me up for a life time of inner conflict.  To believe or not to believe.

I like the idea that I have this power to change my life or that my belief in a power greater than myself can make things work the way I want them to but what if they don't.  It is exhausting to constantly be monitoring my thoughts so I don't drop the positive ball and it rolls out of my grasp.

Life was easier when I knew less when I was able to just rely on some simple slogan to get through the day. That the world was in perfect order and if I just took one minute at a time everything would work out the best for everyone.

I feel like this inner conflict has kept me stuck for awhile. I feel this is the last conflict that I would like to resolve but I know in my heart that there is no resolution and just the very search for a resolution is causing my suffering.  It is trying to control the uncontrollable or know the unknowable.

I don't feel it is all doom and gloom.  I do believe that we are spirit first an foremost and through circumstances life has heaped on layers of experiences good and bad on each of us. We can spend our lives toting around those experiences lost in our own mental and emotional prison or we can let go and face each day knowing full well that anything can happen good or bad.

It is totally terrifying to just let go and live even if we might not get what we want in the end. For me I have decided to just let go again. The other way is worse for me it is too much to be responsible for every moment of every day.  I think it is in my best for me to step out of this loop and accept what comes my way

I think this direction will lead me to peace and if not it will give me more time to be open to others ready to let go of their own suffering.  The road here has been long and every step I have to admit was absolutely necessary. I will continue to seek out motivational speakers when I feel down but I know they don't have the answer either they are just doing what they do best.

On the outside it might  not seem I have a rich full life but on the inside it is a different story.