Friday, February 5, 2016

It is the small stuff - Thinking bigger

Image result for images mountainsSometimes in life some small thing happens and it triggers a wave of emotions and thought that sends your life in different direction. This happened this week. It seems on the surface something silly but in truth is represents exactly where I am in my life right now.

Naturally it has to do with design.  I found some unusual chairs that I thought would be great for my dining table.  I don't really need them but they were a deal.  The store allowed me to take them overnight to see if they would work. 

When I got home from work I was so exited I called my friend who lives on my street and said hey I really want you to come and look at these chairs and tell me what you think. I have to return them in the morning. 

The answer I got was "I am reading can you send me a picture?"  This little moment made me realize just how limited my support system is and that something has to change. Of course my next thought is that I have caused this I have let a lot of people go in my life and that has left me a small group of people to fill what few needs I do have. 

I don't have big needs any more I am not looking for someone to fill a huge void in my life but someone that would be kind to me and give me a little support.  A relationship of give and take that celebrates the friendship.

I am the kind of friend that would do just about anything for anyone of my friends that ask. It would be nice if I thought that this could or would be reciprocated in some way if I needed it to be.  This kind of thinking has hurt me in the past and I thought I had rid myself of these kinds of expectations. 

I survived my life by being autonomous leaving me with the appearance from the outside of not needing anyone.  I have surrounded myself with autonomous people but I am willing to admit that I do have needs and I do have feelings.

This all may sound like no big thing so what my friend wasn't interested in me or excited about something I am excited about.  It tells me I have to change my life and do more reaching out.

I haven't been able to support anyone these past few years.  I was all used up and needed to heal myself but I have done that and I am ready for something more.

I can't undo the past or retrieve those friends I lost along the way but I can make an effort to expand my world. It is too small now and I have to think bigger. 

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Jealousy - None of my business

I am not sure I can do this today put my thoughts out there in the universe I feel a little murky maybe because it is the end of a long week or maybe it is because of the cloudy skies I am not sure.

Image result for images of volcanoesI wanted to write about jealousy something for the most part I don't have a problem with but, every once in a while something or I should say that someone comes along that makes feel a twinge of jealousy. This feeling I have is not about money or possessions but about personalities.

There are big personalities out there they shine brighter than a star and people are mesmerized by their presence. They can do no wrong and if they do wrong they can talk their way right out it and all is forgiven. They are showered with affection and if anyone calls them on their antics they just pretend they don't know what you are talking about.

I always wanted to be them instead of who I am. I wanted to be that light that everyone is drawn to the one that has gifts laid at their feet. I married one of them instead that was the closest I could get to living that dream.  I fell for the shiny light and found myself on the dark side a lot of the time the non public face of that big personality.  People would say to me "how did you catch him"?

That catch nearly did me in and brought out the worst in me. It brought out all those inferior thoughts I had about myself I couldn't compete and and this relationship highlighted what I thought was my own lack of charisma.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am an introvert and I can't immediate cast a spell on the people I meet. After people get to know me they appreciate what I bring to the table and when I am not stressed I can be charming and actually funny.

I don't like feeling that old twinge of jealousy or revisiting the self-doubt of the past.  I don't even like that I feel compelled to tell the person they are not playing by the rules.  To them the rules don't apply and their shell of denial will never be broken.  This part brings out the crazy in me.

Obviously there is someone new in my world and this has brought the past right back to me.  The good news is that I am not the person I use to be. I can see that it is just bringing the past back to me and I can leave it alone. I don't have make them see the light and I don't have to compete with them.

It is really none of my business unless they do something that affects me.  I can then take the opportunity to stand up for myself which I can do that now.  I am not under that spell anymore.

I don't like it but I can deal with it. I know that everyone is a product of their past and how they are is not personal it is just the way they have evolved or not evolved. I have lived in my own world of denial and it worked for me just like it is working for them.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Phone messages and Time travel

I feel like I am in this strange place taking the time to review my life not in a harsh way just as mostly as a spectator.  Today I finally decided to look at my phone and get rid of the saved voice mail messages.  I have a habit of keeping the voice mails I have listened to from the numbers I don't recognize thinking I would go back later and delete them.  I had messages going back three years.

I had to listen to a little of each of them to see if there was some reason I was keeping them.  I wasn't prepared for this to turn out to be "this was your life" a little time travel for me which made me feel a little sad. Mostly customers that I don't even remember maybe missed opportunities. Some were just normal problems with customers. It took me back to where I was emotionally back then.

With every message I felt a little regret knowing I wasn't always able to meet some of the expectations of the people on the other end of those calls. I couldn't keep up for the first time in my life I was not 100%.

I did make promises I couldn't keep.  Of course not intentionally I don't think anyone intentionally makes promises that they can't keep. You think you can keep them when you make them but sometimes you just can't be the person you want to be or in my case the person you use to be.

I was overwhelmed at the time and was in survival mode dealing with only what was critical. I am not proud of that time in my life but I understand and forgive myself for it. It has been a humbling experience to admit that I can be human and not live up to the expectations of others.

I have spent my life fixing things and helping people get things done. Making things work pulling things together despite the obstacles. I couldn't this time I couldn't shut out my emotions and soldier on like I usually demanded of myself.  In the end there was nothing to draw on I was all used up.

I am in a good place today and I am trying to find my place again.  I want to enjoy my life and feel that I am enough for me. I can feel that I am getting there today. I can look at where I failed without judgment and see that I did my best and let the rest go.

I have been harsh with myself and frankly harsh with other people in my past.  I had no compassion for myself and therefore I didn't extend it to others very willingly. Over the years I did change and offer compassion to others but I was still at the bottom of that list. I guess now it is my turn.



Friday, January 22, 2016

In the flow sometime means letting go

I have felt lately that I am in the flow.  Moving through life rather effortlessly I don't feel anxious anymore more settled. In my head I am thinking "I am going to make it after all".  It sounds silly but this is how I feel. If I feel resistence then I go in a different direction.

I spoke to my sister last night for a couple of hours and she was telling me how her kids are out doing things. Her daughter leaving for Australia for a year and her son might soon be getting married. She also told me about a trip she took to see my dad's brothers and sisters. I felt left out of her life excluded from the one person who is my closest relative.

She did go on and on about how my dad spent quality time with her kids and what a great caring a loving person he was and how lucky we were that he was loving. At this point I said "not to me" I have forgiven the situation with my dad. I realize now he was actually a very "present" person and if you are not in his presence you don't really exist. I was the child wanting the parent to reach out and show I meant something to him.

Anyway I couldn't continue to listen to her pretend this was both our experience and I finally said something.  I did go on to say that he and I did resolve our issues after I realized that he wasn't capable of understanding what effect he had on my life. Funny thing happen around that time of the converstaion  the phone my battery died. Who knows how long I was talking after that and maybe the universe decided some of what I was saying didn't need to be heard.

It might have seemed like I was mad and hung up.  I couldn't call back until I got a little charge also I have no idea what the last thing she heard me say.  She called me back and we didn't resume the conversation about my dad.

This situation between us needs to be healed. I have never felt wanted by my family and in the early years I made a lot of effort to keep up the connection driving nine hours every year to visit only to be ignored. It wasn't personal but more like indifference so over the years I have stopped going.

I think it is too late.  I can't continue to wish for things to turn out differently for me and my family so I am letting go of the situation. Her calls seem like maintenance to me a way for her to feel like she has done her part by reaching out. I am on the "to do" list an obligation.

This makes me sad and maybe it isn't true but I have got to let it go. I can't fix the past and I don't feel like putting forth any more time an energy to force a solution. It is the way it is and I can't squeeze anything else out of it at this point.

So today I am letting go the relationship and turning it over to God and the universe to decided whether it can be healed or not. I can no longer play the part of the unwanted sister and as long as I am waiting for a miracle I am.  It makes me feel like I am begging - please like me - please want me.

Letting go is a step towards freedom for me. Freedom from the pain of wanting something I have no control over and I am ready. In the flow things just work themselves out. Once I am willing to release it without specific conditions or results I can be free.


Sunday, January 17, 2016

Energy - Zombies and lessons to learn

I am exhausted today my first six day week since before the holidays.  It has been nice to have time to contemplate my life a little and do some work on my physical space as well as my mental space. That time has certainly come to an end.

This happens every year around this time other people are out there are also contemplating on changing there own lives or at least there own physical spaces.  It is a good thing for the most part and like it or not I will slowly rise to the occasion.  My coworkers and I all looked like zombies at the end of the day yesterday.

On the mental front my thoughts go back to to "is this all there is?" I have got to do something different if I expect my life to change in any significant way. I feel like I am living on an island alone and visiting the main land only during the work week. I fills my time but is that enough?

I only have today to ponder such serious thoughts because I will be back to work tomorrow. I am going to focus on getting some food in the house today.  My commitment to eat more healthy slipped out the door with the long hours I have been working. I have been stretching my restaurant meals into breakfast, lunch and dinner. A little weird but better than nothing or at least better than fast food.

We have a new person at the office that is stirring things up quite a bit. Their personality is familiar to me coming in like a tornado to have their needs met doing all the talking and leaving everyone with less energy when they leave the room.  They are nice enough but if I plan on getting any work done at the office I will have steer clear as much as I can.  Luckily they are on the other team and that will not be too difficult.

Their energy is weird and a little disturbing to me and I feel ruffled by it. When someone fills the room when they enter and no one else exist.  This feeling is from my past being run over by my husband never actually being able to speak or being listened to ever.

This person wanted to know why everyone didn't seem to warm to them. "Everybody usually likes me" I said "perhaps giving everyone time and reaching out to them would help"  I was told they did not need a lecture that they weren't going to change and that everyone would have to get use to it.

This is where all the work I have done in the program and personally pays off. It is none of my business and I am not responsible for anyone else.  I don't need to be any one's saviour anymore.  I was drawn in for a few minutes the scene seemed so familiar an old pattern of talking someone from the ledge.  Nobody ask me and so I am happy to detach and go on my merry way.

How refreshing that feels to not get caught up in all the drama. It is tempting but I can resist and let things play out without my interference. Everyone has lessons that they have to figure out for themselves and it is none of my business.

I plan on enjoying my one day by taking care of myself by working on my own space and making some yummy food.





Saturday, January 9, 2016

Taking an inventory - Seeing things as they are and not as I wish them to be.

I am in a quiet place these days feeling inspired about my life. For the first time in a long time I am not pushing something back or closing my eyes to what is instead of what I want I would like to be. Taking a objective look at the past and seeing if there is anything I would like to address.

I guess that is what the new year is really for taking inventory.  This isn't an easy task and must be done with patience and compassion.  I have been thinking about one particular issue related to my own indifference to people that probably loved me at some point but with my continuous indifference have moved away emotionally.  This happened while I was in survival mode and had nothing to offer.

I have to say that none of the these people were emotional givers but I always maintained the relationships from my side.  I accepted where they were and was content to be the one who reached out and kept these relationships going. While I was down I decided it was "every man for him or her self".  I was at my most selfish and wanted someone to reach out to me I didn't have the energy to do the reaching.

I have been better for a awhile now but haven't made any effort to do any mending at this point. Distancing myself from the emotions of others is easy for me. It has felt freeing to me not be with people that have been stuck in the same place for a long time.  It doesn't escape me that I was that same person stuck in the same place for a long time.

I have become the "indifference" I have talked about in my own family. I do want to help people when they are stuck in their own repetitive dream but you can't really do that for someone else. People do come to me and tell me their problems and I tell them about my own experience but that is all.  I don't want to be the emotional dumping ground I was in the past. I felt their pain in way that was too draining for me.

I know now that pain is self created by the thoughts our mind is constantly feeding us. Life can be ugly but the pain comes from thinking that I can control this ugliness.  Getting lost in finding a solution instead of accepting what is and letting the situation heal itself. I had to do this when I was at my lowest I had to just stop and say "this is my life this is who I have become" immediately my life got better. The lack of struggle open the door for divine healing instead of my own limited abilities.

This inventory of myself is on going. I didn't do any of what I did intentionally or to hurt anyone I just had to withdrawn and face the truths I had about myself. Cash in all the good things and bad things I believed I was and decide who am I really? None of the things on the list were really tangible just ideas the best one and the worst ones residing in my head.

It seemed crazy to me that I had built my whole existence on these ideas about myself. My mind is strong and some of the ideas I had about myself were harsh and hard to let go of.  Today I focus mostly on the next thing and if the idea of taking an inventory comes up I look at it for awhile and decide whether it warrants any action.

I can be honest with myself now.  I am no longer trying to hide anything from myself.  Taking an inventory can be simple and the point is not to label myself as a "bad person" but to accept who I was at the time and to forgive myself.  I can then consider what amends if any that needs to be made to the anyone else involved.

It is nice to let go of the suffering for today and just live with what is right in front of me.














Monday, January 4, 2016

Painting over the past - No regrets

I have had a productive break and have transformed my house.  I am not sure where this blast of energy came from but I am grateful for it.  I have been tired and my house has been tired too. I felt like I couldn't make a decision about anything so it didn't. The timing just wasn't right I guess.

My design philosophy even before I knew what the word meant was if you don't like where you are and you can't move then work with what you have.  As a kid I got bored with the four walls and my mother would let me do whatever I wanted as long as she didn't have to get involved and it didn't cost any money. A designer was born.

Changing your space can lift your spirits instantly.  Along with the kitchen and powder bath face lift yesterday I painted midnight blue on one wall in my living room . With the rest of the walls white it really makes the furniture pop. I love color.

This change came about after a I purchased a used oriental rug for the dining room.  Painting gave me the opportunity to look at everything see everything in the room up close and personal.  Everything needed a serious cleaning and I ended up re-staining the baseboards and well as giving the furniture a good scrub down.

Even though I have done some things around the house over the years it has been out of necessity and not out of joy. I have mostly rejected this house since I moved here.  I didn't unpack for a long time and I wouldn't even shop at the nearby grocery store. I thought "I don't belong here."

My heart was broken and my life as I knew it was over.  Luckily I have always had divine guidance in my life someone that has kept me from bad decisions and that someone helped me find the perfect house.  Even though I was totally out of my mind I was able to find this house. My friend and my realtor both called me about this house on the same day and it was empty and move in ready.  It had everything on my wish list without exception.

While painting yesterday I was actually able to listen to a few Cd's that my ex and I use listen to all the time.  All the words I know by heart and they gave me comfort instead of pain for the first time.
Those Cd's represent a time when we were close a piece of my life that will never be again. I didn't feel any sadness just acceptance and now it all seems so far away. One song says "time heals the wounds that love made."

How much time nobody can tell you. My personal situation was stretched out by a number of things maybe one being my total emotional shutdown or denial that life as I knew it was over. Even if I really wasn't happy in the life I had before I didn't sign up for this or did I?

I think I can say with confidence that I have recovered. I have returned to a whole person I no longer have pieces missing like I did before.  I can celebrate that I have survived another one of life's trials and I am back on top.

I know my story is isn't unique many people have be left by the one they loved. The difference is that it happen to me at a time when I had just started to trust that it was real this time. It only took me 13 years to relax a little bit.  I know I was my best in that relationship and there was nothing more that I could have done to make it turn out differently.  I have no regrets.

I am happy to feel good for a change and I am ready to go back to work tomorrow. I have spent the holidays working on accepting my home.  After eight years I have decided that I am going to stay. I going to give my house the love that it deserves.  The last bit of healing.